MP: To do or not to do: that is the question.
Holy frijoles, it's actually morning (sort of). Technically it's just after noon, and I woke up at 11:00-ish, so this isn't the first thing I've done this morning, but it's close. I already installed some software updates on my computer, read a couple of New York Times articles on line, read entries in my friends' journals, replied to email from an inquiry about Scarlet Spiral applications, pruned spam from Spiral (blog spam comments are really, really irritating), read personal email, brushed my teeth, got dressed, made tea, and even made the bed and located the missing USB microphone for an attempt at recording myself singing later.
My my, so accomplished.
Let's list the other things I hope to do today: Reply to all my wonderful friends who gave me encouragement, offers of company for Thanksgiving, etc. Take at least one of the prompts I got on my "please help me write" post. Deal with the bank stuff I didn't deal with yesterday. Do more car research. Call Claudia and D'Anne and ask them if they'll record at church on Sunday when I'm singing. Have dinner with Kathleen, who is visiting from Seattle. Locate the missing medicine and do my breathing treatments.
And the things I'm not going to get done today: Reply to the nasty email from my ex. Resolve the bank issues he's upset about. Resolve the insurance issues I'm fretting about. Clean the rat cages. Bleach my roots and reapply blue dye to my hair. Write all the prompts I got. Get caught up in my RPs. Make a decision about Scarlet Spiral.
OK, here's the thing about Scarlet Spiral: kilerkki, my co-moderator and writing partner, the Raidou to my Genma, is leaving. The community is low-energy and troubled. And I'm sitting on a decision I don't want to make. I've been fretting about it for weeks, refraining from posting here about it because I didn't want to upset people, but you know, what? They all know at this point, and I'm still unresolved, so I'm going to write about it as my morning page exercise, because maybe it will help me with the decision.
I'm discouraged about Spiral. I'm not the only one who says the writing has been lackluster of late, with a few notable exceptions. This point is not up for debate. It's gotten dull. The most interesting thread currently is the Root of All Evil thread, which I was working on with Ki, and which, since she's leaving, is going to be the last one of its kind. She's said she'll finish it with me, which I'm glad of, but after that, for her at least, Spiral is over.
And I've been disengaged for a couple of months now. Why? I have some threads I'm actually interested in, so you'd think I'd just keep going. But I'm so discouraged about Ki leaving, and I've known it was coming for a long time now, that my enthusiasm is gone. And it's not just that. I'm discouraged about the writing. I'm discouraged about the direction things have gone. I find management of Spiral getting harder and harder, as it grows bigger and bigger. It feels like I'm trying to turn an aircraft carrier.
And if I'm honest here, I'm unhappy with the players. I'm upset at the divisiveness and the clique formation. I'm upset at the apathy from other players who've let their involvement die. I'm upset at having had to referee interpersonal issues. This is hard to write, since I consider all of the players friends. I'm not trying to cast broad brush accusations. Really, a lot of the blame rests with me as a moderator, for letting things get out of hand in the first place.
But I think I need to be honest with myself here. Part of the reason I'm seriously considering resigning from Spiral myself is because I'm feeling burned out and worn down and unhappy. I don't want to let it go, but I don't want to destroy my friendships, either, and I fear that's where this will go if I keep struggling to pretend things are alright.
Ki says the decision of whether to close Spiral and call it an end is mine to make. I don't like being responsible for this decision. But I also know that sometimes the right thing to do as a leader isn't necessarily what you'd like.
Here are the choices I see:
Declare an end date for Spiral, finish threads, and close it at that point.
Pros: The pain is over. The project is completed and stands as a finished work that is for the most part excellent. People can move on to other things.
Cons: Something I've deeply loved is over. The community is disbanded.
Resign from Spiral and let it continue or die without me.
Pros: My personal pain is over.
Cons: Something I've deeply loved is over for me. I'm abdicating my responsibility. It might continue to die, rudderless and drifting. Quality might decline further.
Resign as moderator but remain a player.
Pros: My stress at being responsible for it is gone, but I don't lose the game.
Cons: I'm way too deeply involved to feel good about handing it over to someone else. I'm abdicating my responsibility. It might continue to die, rudderless and drifting. Quality might decline further. Interpersonal issues between players might continue to be a problem, but I'll no longer be in a position to put the brakes on things.
Recruit one of the other players to be co-moderator with me in Ki's place.
Pros: I get to continue. It might get better again. Having an active co-moderator will help me not feel like it's all on me.
Cons: I keep the stress I have as a moderator. I still need to resolve all the other issues facing Spiral. I have to recruit someone to be co-mod who I can trust to be fair and impartial, active and involved.
Moderate by myself and continue as is.
Pros: I get to continue. It might get better again.
Cons: I increase the stress I have as a moderator. I still need to resolve all the other issues facing Spiral.
Put Spiral on Hiatus.
Pros: It's a halfway step to closing it. We all take a declared break and see if that improves things.
Cons: Trial separations almost always lead to divorce. It's putting off the inevitable without really taking any steps to fix things.
Start over. Spiral Redux. We create a new RP comm with the same structure. ANBU right after Kyuubi. We can reapply with our existing characters, but it's fresh slate.
Pros: Shiney and new. Characters we love we can keep. Old character entanglements are wiped clean.
Cons: It's a lot of work to create a new comm.
Okay. There's the list.
I'm soliciting opinions, especially from other players.
Thankful for: My biggest crises are existential, not physical. I'm not alone. Angsty music is available on Last.fm which suits my mood.
Tasks: Bank. Answering comments and emails. Car research.
My my, so accomplished.
Let's list the other things I hope to do today: Reply to all my wonderful friends who gave me encouragement, offers of company for Thanksgiving, etc. Take at least one of the prompts I got on my "please help me write" post. Deal with the bank stuff I didn't deal with yesterday. Do more car research. Call Claudia and D'Anne and ask them if they'll record at church on Sunday when I'm singing. Have dinner with Kathleen, who is visiting from Seattle. Locate the missing medicine and do my breathing treatments.
And the things I'm not going to get done today: Reply to the nasty email from my ex. Resolve the bank issues he's upset about. Resolve the insurance issues I'm fretting about. Clean the rat cages. Bleach my roots and reapply blue dye to my hair. Write all the prompts I got. Get caught up in my RPs. Make a decision about Scarlet Spiral.
OK, here's the thing about Scarlet Spiral: kilerkki, my co-moderator and writing partner, the Raidou to my Genma, is leaving. The community is low-energy and troubled. And I'm sitting on a decision I don't want to make. I've been fretting about it for weeks, refraining from posting here about it because I didn't want to upset people, but you know, what? They all know at this point, and I'm still unresolved, so I'm going to write about it as my morning page exercise, because maybe it will help me with the decision.
I'm discouraged about Spiral. I'm not the only one who says the writing has been lackluster of late, with a few notable exceptions. This point is not up for debate. It's gotten dull. The most interesting thread currently is the Root of All Evil thread, which I was working on with Ki, and which, since she's leaving, is going to be the last one of its kind. She's said she'll finish it with me, which I'm glad of, but after that, for her at least, Spiral is over.
And I've been disengaged for a couple of months now. Why? I have some threads I'm actually interested in, so you'd think I'd just keep going. But I'm so discouraged about Ki leaving, and I've known it was coming for a long time now, that my enthusiasm is gone. And it's not just that. I'm discouraged about the writing. I'm discouraged about the direction things have gone. I find management of Spiral getting harder and harder, as it grows bigger and bigger. It feels like I'm trying to turn an aircraft carrier.
And if I'm honest here, I'm unhappy with the players. I'm upset at the divisiveness and the clique formation. I'm upset at the apathy from other players who've let their involvement die. I'm upset at having had to referee interpersonal issues. This is hard to write, since I consider all of the players friends. I'm not trying to cast broad brush accusations. Really, a lot of the blame rests with me as a moderator, for letting things get out of hand in the first place.
But I think I need to be honest with myself here. Part of the reason I'm seriously considering resigning from Spiral myself is because I'm feeling burned out and worn down and unhappy. I don't want to let it go, but I don't want to destroy my friendships, either, and I fear that's where this will go if I keep struggling to pretend things are alright.
Ki says the decision of whether to close Spiral and call it an end is mine to make. I don't like being responsible for this decision. But I also know that sometimes the right thing to do as a leader isn't necessarily what you'd like.
Here are the choices I see:
Pros: The pain is over. The project is completed and stands as a finished work that is for the most part excellent. People can move on to other things.
Cons: Something I've deeply loved is over. The community is disbanded.
Pros: My personal pain is over.
Cons: Something I've deeply loved is over for me. I'm abdicating my responsibility. It might continue to die, rudderless and drifting. Quality might decline further.
Pros: My stress at being responsible for it is gone, but I don't lose the game.
Cons: I'm way too deeply involved to feel good about handing it over to someone else. I'm abdicating my responsibility. It might continue to die, rudderless and drifting. Quality might decline further. Interpersonal issues between players might continue to be a problem, but I'll no longer be in a position to put the brakes on things.
Pros: I get to continue. It might get better again. Having an active co-moderator will help me not feel like it's all on me.
Cons: I keep the stress I have as a moderator. I still need to resolve all the other issues facing Spiral. I have to recruit someone to be co-mod who I can trust to be fair and impartial, active and involved.
Pros: I get to continue. It might get better again.
Cons: I increase the stress I have as a moderator. I still need to resolve all the other issues facing Spiral.
Pros: It's a halfway step to closing it. We all take a declared break and see if that improves things.
Cons: Trial separations almost always lead to divorce. It's putting off the inevitable without really taking any steps to fix things.
Pros: Shiney and new. Characters we love we can keep. Old character entanglements are wiped clean.
Cons: It's a lot of work to create a new comm.
Okay. There's the list.
I'm soliciting opinions, especially from other players.
Thankful for: My biggest crises are existential, not physical. I'm not alone. Angsty music is available on Last.fm which suits my mood.
Tasks: Bank. Answering comments and emails. Car research.