The pain of knowing.
There are very few things in this world that actually cause me angst or uneasiness in myself. Illness of the body isn't too bad, provided I can still read, write and type, I won't worry much about it. Professional angst isn't too much, I've always been of the mind that having multiple professions is necessary, and I've already started down that path, and can't exactly be wronged or work incorrectly without vast error on my part. The very issue of living (as opposed to death and suicide) again doesn't cause me angst, I look towards tomorrow and all the new things it'll bring; lol, yesterday is usually more painful than today, which tends to make tomorrow look greener.
If anything my biggest cause for angst is those around me; friends and family that I've let close to my heart. They're the biggest source of mental unease throughout my life. Caring for them, knowing what they can potentially become, but also knowing what will stop them from reaching their full capability: it can sometimes be too much. I've always wondered why I've constantly associated myself with the mentally incapable or dimwitted; often thinking "why the hell do I always get stuck with the stupid ones?", but still going through with it, despite that thought. I know full well that my leadership capability is derived from my internal wish to see the weak grow and be happy, but i've never really understood why I had that thought. Today, when thinking about this, and crossing over with my consistently growing hatred for the majority of humankind, I realised that the basis has been on how innocent those who are weak are, the same thought is applied to children; they can't not be innocent, they can't commit evil because they don't know it. Any progress they make is indicative of their capability and shows no impression of wanting to best others: there is no selfishness, only the wish to grow and become more. From this I really can't hold myself back from helping out; even if it pains me to do so.
Selfishness in any way shape or form is painful. It annoys the heck out of me that a lot of people can't see this. That the circle of autoevolution demands it, and thus, humanity demands it, is incredibly sad. Hell, one can even say that to be an individual is selfish, and thus is painful, and they'd be right. Its interesting becomes that would imply that to be more of an individual would imply being more selfish and thus be in a position to feel more pain, which I could believe is true. I wonder, if those are who aren't selfish, who often have to be told to be selfish, for their own welfare, feel about that statement? I'll think about this more, I've a feeling that Jesus is in there somewhere, as a prime example of what it means to be incredibly individual yet feel no pain... or not? I wonder if the need to decrease the pain of seeing others in pain due to selfishness, is drawn from wanting to ease their own pain of seeing others in such a situation?
A quote for consideration:
"There are those who look out for themselves, there are those who look out for those around them, and there are those who look out for everyone. Pity the first and the third, for they will need the second to take care of them."
A point for myself; at the moment I can see the limits of my family, and see quite clearly how close that limit is to their potential. I'm sad for my little sister and mom for being very close to theirs. I hope and pray that they can learn to surpass it. Kudos to my other sister, as it seems she's found a new and possibly happier way of reaching her potential. Thanks to the guy upstairs for myself knowing where my potential should be and heading in that direction ;). Not everything can be bad; hope, work and wait.
If anything my biggest cause for angst is those around me; friends and family that I've let close to my heart. They're the biggest source of mental unease throughout my life. Caring for them, knowing what they can potentially become, but also knowing what will stop them from reaching their full capability: it can sometimes be too much. I've always wondered why I've constantly associated myself with the mentally incapable or dimwitted; often thinking "why the hell do I always get stuck with the stupid ones?", but still going through with it, despite that thought. I know full well that my leadership capability is derived from my internal wish to see the weak grow and be happy, but i've never really understood why I had that thought. Today, when thinking about this, and crossing over with my consistently growing hatred for the majority of humankind, I realised that the basis has been on how innocent those who are weak are, the same thought is applied to children; they can't not be innocent, they can't commit evil because they don't know it. Any progress they make is indicative of their capability and shows no impression of wanting to best others: there is no selfishness, only the wish to grow and become more. From this I really can't hold myself back from helping out; even if it pains me to do so.
Selfishness in any way shape or form is painful. It annoys the heck out of me that a lot of people can't see this. That the circle of autoevolution demands it, and thus, humanity demands it, is incredibly sad. Hell, one can even say that to be an individual is selfish, and thus is painful, and they'd be right. Its interesting becomes that would imply that to be more of an individual would imply being more selfish and thus be in a position to feel more pain, which I could believe is true. I wonder, if those are who aren't selfish, who often have to be told to be selfish, for their own welfare, feel about that statement? I'll think about this more, I've a feeling that Jesus is in there somewhere, as a prime example of what it means to be incredibly individual yet feel no pain... or not? I wonder if the need to decrease the pain of seeing others in pain due to selfishness, is drawn from wanting to ease their own pain of seeing others in such a situation?
A quote for consideration:
"There are those who look out for themselves, there are those who look out for those around them, and there are those who look out for everyone. Pity the first and the third, for they will need the second to take care of them."
A point for myself; at the moment I can see the limits of my family, and see quite clearly how close that limit is to their potential. I'm sad for my little sister and mom for being very close to theirs. I hope and pray that they can learn to surpass it. Kudos to my other sister, as it seems she's found a new and possibly happier way of reaching her potential. Thanks to the guy upstairs for myself knowing where my potential should be and heading in that direction ;). Not everything can be bad; hope, work and wait.