The pinacle of self imposed isolation.
I believe i've reached that point in my periodic life where I'm about to jump head over heels into the societal fray. Over the last few years my self imposed isolation has allowed me to think about myself in terms of the life's purpose that I want to follow as well as the numerous restrictions my catholic filipino upbringing has placed upon me. I've regained past capabilities and consolidated my thought processes into something resembling coherence. I now think of myself as someone who's going somewhere and, god willing, will end up where he wants to be, even if he didn't want to go there in the first place.
And all I really want to do right now is to test this person, to see whether or not I've come out of the pasts' challenges as less scarred than I thought would be, with just as much promise and potential as I had during the pasts' high points. I want to break my isolation and see what I can do.
Reaching the need to isolate myself was like reaching that maximum weight that we all have where we immediately realize and act upon the need to lose weight. Totally necessary unless we want to wallow in self loathing and despair, a wasted form of living no matter who you are. Breaking that isolation is like finding yourself rested, fit and brimming with energy and wanting to find your limits. Usually you can test yourself a little at a time, getting a little bit more confident each time you succeed, but imo such actions are ultimately boring. What use is finding out whether or not you can do something, without wanting to know how well you could possibly do it? To live a fulfilling life, I'm going to have to try to pass my limits, essentially to break myself, over and over again.
Is this masochistic behaviour? Probably so, but I've never yet felt good about doing something half heartedly. For me, its always all in, or as little as possible. Hardly ever is either superficially comfortable. Always either excruciatingly painful or blissful euphoria, always indicative of the worth of living.
All that's left for me is to find the societal role I want to play, and where to play it. Once I've got that there'll be no time to look back (at this) till I recuperate once again.
Here's to the successful failure we all want.
And all I really want to do right now is to test this person, to see whether or not I've come out of the pasts' challenges as less scarred than I thought would be, with just as much promise and potential as I had during the pasts' high points. I want to break my isolation and see what I can do.
Reaching the need to isolate myself was like reaching that maximum weight that we all have where we immediately realize and act upon the need to lose weight. Totally necessary unless we want to wallow in self loathing and despair, a wasted form of living no matter who you are. Breaking that isolation is like finding yourself rested, fit and brimming with energy and wanting to find your limits. Usually you can test yourself a little at a time, getting a little bit more confident each time you succeed, but imo such actions are ultimately boring. What use is finding out whether or not you can do something, without wanting to know how well you could possibly do it? To live a fulfilling life, I'm going to have to try to pass my limits, essentially to break myself, over and over again.
Is this masochistic behaviour? Probably so, but I've never yet felt good about doing something half heartedly. For me, its always all in, or as little as possible. Hardly ever is either superficially comfortable. Always either excruciatingly painful or blissful euphoria, always indicative of the worth of living.
All that's left for me is to find the societal role I want to play, and where to play it. Once I've got that there'll be no time to look back (at this) till I recuperate once again.
Here's to the successful failure we all want.