PK
P-R-E-A-C-H-E-R K-I-D Do you know what that mean?
Sorry, it fit the beat so I couldn't resist.
Something about me I'm not sure I've ever mentioned before...I grew up as a PK. My father is a retired Southern Baptist preacher. That is something I rarely bring up to people, after years of dealing with their reactions and judgments about it. Not sure why I'm even bringing it up now, but it just crossed my mind and I thought I'd share today.
I grew up dealing with people setting very high standards for me and for my family. We were not supposed to be human, apparently. As a teenager, I always felt like all eyes were on me to be perfect. I was expected to never cuss, swear, drink, etc. I'm sure many thought I was not even supposed to ever have a good time. Yes, I do understand that as the pastor's family, we were naturally expected to be examples of the faith and pure living, etc. But imagine going through high school feeling as if any wrong move you ever made would reflect on your parents or your family in a way that could actually even ruin your father's reputation and career. I love and respect my father very much and would have been devastated if I ever disappointed him, so I did feel like I walked a tightrope for many years. Dealing with that growing up has a lot to do with why I am still so careful even now sometimes about revealing myself, my true thoughts and feelings, to others. Many would think that being a PK would make one a trusting person. Actually, I think the opposite is true. I grew up feeling like I could not open up or trust anyone to let them see me as myself...as a flawed individual who sometimes screws up with human emotions and urges and needs. The judgment and the expectations were always there, even among my best friends. It was constant pressure to be perfect to try to live up to that. It took many years and maturity, but I have finally at least overcome that and I allow myself to be that flawed person now.
The reactions or attitudes people have even now are a bit amusing to me. Sometimes I get the "You're kidding, I never would have guessed." Sometimes I still get the judgment. Sometimes people think that I must be very naive', even to the point of thinking they can pull things over on me or lie to me. I just let them believe it. It's rather amusing sometimes, actually, to let someone think they are getting away with something. Most everyone has their little "tells", and all one has to do is watch for those to know if they are being lied to. (Hmmm, I wonder what my tells are.)
Anyway...growing up in the church also eventually led to me not really wanting to be a regular member of a church any more. I do believe in God and I do try to live a good life according to my beliefs. But I witnessed and was a victim of so much hypocrisy in "organized religion" that it really turned me off to trying to be a part of a church any more. I try my best not to judge people, as I know what it is like to be judged. Although it is preached so much that you are not to judge, unfortunately I think the most judgmental people are usually found in the church. I'm sure I do not live up to the standards that many people would say I should, but the only standards I have to live up to are my own. I still have pretty high standards for myself, anyway, but I no longer worry about what other people think of them. I am only responsible for my own life, as they are for theirs. My only regret is that it did take me so many years to come to that comfort level and self assurance. Take me or leave me. This is what I am.
Sorry, it fit the beat so I couldn't resist.
Something about me I'm not sure I've ever mentioned before...I grew up as a PK. My father is a retired Southern Baptist preacher. That is something I rarely bring up to people, after years of dealing with their reactions and judgments about it. Not sure why I'm even bringing it up now, but it just crossed my mind and I thought I'd share today.
I grew up dealing with people setting very high standards for me and for my family. We were not supposed to be human, apparently. As a teenager, I always felt like all eyes were on me to be perfect. I was expected to never cuss, swear, drink, etc. I'm sure many thought I was not even supposed to ever have a good time. Yes, I do understand that as the pastor's family, we were naturally expected to be examples of the faith and pure living, etc. But imagine going through high school feeling as if any wrong move you ever made would reflect on your parents or your family in a way that could actually even ruin your father's reputation and career. I love and respect my father very much and would have been devastated if I ever disappointed him, so I did feel like I walked a tightrope for many years. Dealing with that growing up has a lot to do with why I am still so careful even now sometimes about revealing myself, my true thoughts and feelings, to others. Many would think that being a PK would make one a trusting person. Actually, I think the opposite is true. I grew up feeling like I could not open up or trust anyone to let them see me as myself...as a flawed individual who sometimes screws up with human emotions and urges and needs. The judgment and the expectations were always there, even among my best friends. It was constant pressure to be perfect to try to live up to that. It took many years and maturity, but I have finally at least overcome that and I allow myself to be that flawed person now.
The reactions or attitudes people have even now are a bit amusing to me. Sometimes I get the "You're kidding, I never would have guessed." Sometimes I still get the judgment. Sometimes people think that I must be very naive', even to the point of thinking they can pull things over on me or lie to me. I just let them believe it. It's rather amusing sometimes, actually, to let someone think they are getting away with something. Most everyone has their little "tells", and all one has to do is watch for those to know if they are being lied to. (Hmmm, I wonder what my tells are.)
Anyway...growing up in the church also eventually led to me not really wanting to be a regular member of a church any more. I do believe in God and I do try to live a good life according to my beliefs. But I witnessed and was a victim of so much hypocrisy in "organized religion" that it really turned me off to trying to be a part of a church any more. I try my best not to judge people, as I know what it is like to be judged. Although it is preached so much that you are not to judge, unfortunately I think the most judgmental people are usually found in the church. I'm sure I do not live up to the standards that many people would say I should, but the only standards I have to live up to are my own. I still have pretty high standards for myself, anyway, but I no longer worry about what other people think of them. I am only responsible for my own life, as they are for theirs. My only regret is that it did take me so many years to come to that comfort level and self assurance. Take me or leave me. This is what I am.