Dear he who shall not be named,
I'm writing this to you to make it exactly clear how I feel in this moment. I'm pissed. I've honestly never been more disapointed or angry at anyone in my entire life. It baffels me that any living being could exist in such shear disregard and disrespect for others' existences. If a total stranger on the street approached me and said those same words, "my friend just tried to kill herself and I need you," I'd drop whatever it was I was doing and reply, "what can I do to help you?" Yet even a "friend," even someone you have so much history with you cannot bring yourself to be bothered with, and I will never understand that. I'm really angry and I have every right to be. You need to know that. You should also know that I have given you far too many chances to prove to me that you are worthy of my time and energy. You have a pattern of not talking to me for just enough time to have me accept that you must not really want me in your life, and then turn everything upside down by contacting me and slowly taking my guard down to trust you. And then just as quickly as you came back you go away again. Well I'm done. I've held on for all these years, and tolerated this unhealthy, unacceptable behavior because part of me believed there was enough good in you to out weigh the bullshit. Part of me was waiting and wishing you would someday recognize all the nasty things you have done to me and put me through and would have good reasons as to why you did them. I was sure there was some explanation. And I was hanging on waiting, taking blow after blow, because I knew it would come someday. But after this, after the one time in my life I've ever allowed myself to tell you I needed you, I'm done. That one time, and you were too tired. It was too heavy for you. Well I can confidently say there is absolutely no reason you could ever give me that would make that reaction acceptable in that situation. I'm sure you were tired, and maybe it was inconvenient for you, but you know what...it was inconvenient for me too. It was inconvenient to receive a call at 1:00 am from one of my best friends who had downed a bottle of asprin and liquor. It was inconvenient to spend the night in the ER knowing that I would have to go to work the next day on two hours of sleep. It was inconvenient and uncomfortable to hold her while she flailed around during her EKG, and while she spit the charcol she had to drink all over me, and to see the look on her mothers face when she walked in and saw the physical condition her baby was in. All of that was extremely uncomfortable, but you know what? I did it anyway and I'd do it again if I had to because she needed me. And when someone needs you thats what you do as a decent human being. And I needed you. So don't say a thing. I'm no longer interested in hearing your finely crafted excuses. I don't want to hear them anymore. You see, you are never wrong. All those choices you make "living in the moment" add up. Its impossible to make all your choices that way because life is cause and effect. Life happens in more than one moment. Its a series of them that run into one another. A series of decisions that effect each other and other people. And I'm sorry to say that you will be hard pressed to find quality human beings that add something positive to your life who will tolerate that kind of erratic behavior. People don't work that way. Its funny. You say all those pretty words. You say we were young before and I should therefore forgive you because of that. The interesting fact is however, that although you were only 17 then, you're not now, and you are still exactly the same. Honestly I believe you act that way so you aren't forced to deal with your own emotion, but I'm not really writing this to judge or analyze you. I'm writing this to tell you I'm absolutely done. I want nothing more to do with someone I have to try so hard to have in my life. You should be adding positivity to me and instead you are still after almost 5 years adding more pain and grief and disapointment. I'm angry and rather you leave me alone. I no longer yearn to have you in my life in any capacity. I deserve so much more from my friends then you have proven you have the ability to give. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but its the truth and honestly after all you have continually put me through with your self motivated behavior, I find it very difficult to care. Please don't contact me again. Years from now when you are thinking about me, don't contact me. If there is one wish in my life you could ever satisfy, please make it this one. Our time was nice, and now its over. Lets let it end completely please. I hope someday you can learn to be selfless. Learn to really love. I hope someday you can learn to really love, for your sake.