Apology to the World
I'm feeling like a curse
I feel like I'm getting worse
I'm bored with war in songs
I've been bitter far too long
Come on, prove me wrong
Wow, I almost forgot to blog tonight. I mean, didn't even think of it. Wow. That's like the third time in years I've forgotten, it's such a part of me now.
I seem to be doing an excellent job of screwing up my relationships with people. Probably not all of them even realize that I'm doing that, but a few are acutely aware of my current mission of self-sabotage. I don't even know what's wrong with me lately. I basically just suck? We'll just leave it at that for the time being.
Yesterday after I blogged I went for one of my semi-nightly chats with my Grandma and showed her my print. I talked to her for awhile and decided to skip all my classes except for Printmaking today and sleep instead to enable me to get work done - with the corollary that I actually DID work later. I parked my car at a meter and went to class, then picked up my Mom from work and took her home. Some freak tailgated me worse than ever before and I nearly lost control of the car trying to turn down a road to lose him. Then he tailgated the next car. Dangerous man. (I know it was a man. I could see his face clear as day in my rearview, and his harried gestures. He still tailgated me when I sped up to 70 in a 50 zone briefly to try and peel him off me. Wack.)
When I got home I had a thought that I should call Helen and ask if the CDs they had been planning to lend me were available, and she sounded really down, so I went over there and talked with her for a few hours and then prayed with her and Ken, who also seemed wiped. So at least I did something right today.
Today was another day when I didn't eat until 8pm, and then when I did eat it was a huge burrito of doom that made me sick. Not my Grandma's fault - she made it for me knowing I hadn't eaten all day - I should have cut it in half on sight... Strike two. I've avoided feeling that sick for some time, but I'm back on the destructive cycle with myself in more ways than one it seems. Fiction Family is suiting my mood aplenty just now.
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
Don't get me wrong and think I'm all dark and dreary, I look and sound and act pretty normal and don't feel most of this until I start to blog and realize I really kind of hate myself right now. I've been downright mean to my one friend every time he brings stuff up. I finally figured out why today - it's a matter of having the same insecurity button pushed over and over - but I still feel crappy about the way I keep treating him. It's like verbal diarrhea some days I swear, and I keep shitting on people I care about. Today I caught myself giving unasked for advice instead of just listening someone out and giving them an internet hug and saying it will all be okay. (Granted I'd had someone specifically asking for my advice all afternoon...)
And then I find myself acting really needy in other relationships. Why am I so insecure this week? I haven't got a clue. Things at school are going well and I'm getting work done and I'm sleeping. More than half the major blowouts have been after I had something to eat.
Man, if you see me give me a hug. And forgive me if I hurt you, because I sure seem to be doing that a lot lately. Of course, I always hate myself more at 2am than any other time...
I did get almost all of the BDC Newsletter done tonight, and printed all my show invitations, and uploaded music to my iPod and backed up my jump drive and all sorts of great things that contribute to the self-scheduled work I have to have done by the end of this week.
But what use is it when I feel like this? It's all meaningless. Chasing after the wind.
I just want to get out of here, go somewhere where I can't hurt anyone else. Every conversation I get into I'm petrified I'm going to say something terrible. And then, worst of all, about 20-30% of the time, I do. I'm sorry everyone, I just suck lately. I really do.
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me
I've been waiting for you
I'm going upstairs for some tea, and then to bed.
It's supposed to be springtime. I guess that means I can have a meltdown too.
I feel like I'm getting worse
I'm bored with war in songs
I've been bitter far too long
Come on, prove me wrong
Wow, I almost forgot to blog tonight. I mean, didn't even think of it. Wow. That's like the third time in years I've forgotten, it's such a part of me now.
I seem to be doing an excellent job of screwing up my relationships with people. Probably not all of them even realize that I'm doing that, but a few are acutely aware of my current mission of self-sabotage. I don't even know what's wrong with me lately. I basically just suck? We'll just leave it at that for the time being.
Yesterday after I blogged I went for one of my semi-nightly chats with my Grandma and showed her my print. I talked to her for awhile and decided to skip all my classes except for Printmaking today and sleep instead to enable me to get work done - with the corollary that I actually DID work later. I parked my car at a meter and went to class, then picked up my Mom from work and took her home. Some freak tailgated me worse than ever before and I nearly lost control of the car trying to turn down a road to lose him. Then he tailgated the next car. Dangerous man. (I know it was a man. I could see his face clear as day in my rearview, and his harried gestures. He still tailgated me when I sped up to 70 in a 50 zone briefly to try and peel him off me. Wack.)
When I got home I had a thought that I should call Helen and ask if the CDs they had been planning to lend me were available, and she sounded really down, so I went over there and talked with her for a few hours and then prayed with her and Ken, who also seemed wiped. So at least I did something right today.
Today was another day when I didn't eat until 8pm, and then when I did eat it was a huge burrito of doom that made me sick. Not my Grandma's fault - she made it for me knowing I hadn't eaten all day - I should have cut it in half on sight... Strike two. I've avoided feeling that sick for some time, but I'm back on the destructive cycle with myself in more ways than one it seems. Fiction Family is suiting my mood aplenty just now.
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
Don't get me wrong and think I'm all dark and dreary, I look and sound and act pretty normal and don't feel most of this until I start to blog and realize I really kind of hate myself right now. I've been downright mean to my one friend every time he brings stuff up. I finally figured out why today - it's a matter of having the same insecurity button pushed over and over - but I still feel crappy about the way I keep treating him. It's like verbal diarrhea some days I swear, and I keep shitting on people I care about. Today I caught myself giving unasked for advice instead of just listening someone out and giving them an internet hug and saying it will all be okay. (Granted I'd had someone specifically asking for my advice all afternoon...)
And then I find myself acting really needy in other relationships. Why am I so insecure this week? I haven't got a clue. Things at school are going well and I'm getting work done and I'm sleeping. More than half the major blowouts have been after I had something to eat.
Man, if you see me give me a hug. And forgive me if I hurt you, because I sure seem to be doing that a lot lately. Of course, I always hate myself more at 2am than any other time...
I did get almost all of the BDC Newsletter done tonight, and printed all my show invitations, and uploaded music to my iPod and backed up my jump drive and all sorts of great things that contribute to the self-scheduled work I have to have done by the end of this week.
But what use is it when I feel like this? It's all meaningless. Chasing after the wind.
I just want to get out of here, go somewhere where I can't hurt anyone else. Every conversation I get into I'm petrified I'm going to say something terrible. And then, worst of all, about 20-30% of the time, I do. I'm sorry everyone, I just suck lately. I really do.
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me
I've been waiting for you
I'm going upstairs for some tea, and then to bed.
It's supposed to be springtime. I guess that means I can have a meltdown too.