fic for track_04 (part 2)
> back to part 1
He left straight away, determined to fully enjoy the rare treat of being away from work during work hours, and wondering if maybe he’d run into Massu while he was over there. It was really just a simple in and out trip, so he doubted that he would, but it didn’t hurt to hope.
Tegoshi wasn’t sure if it was because he was prejudiced, but the atmosphere in the other laboratory felt much lighter and freer than back at the company. He knew for a fact that almost none of the people working here were aware of the underground going-ons in the other building - the company liked to keep a close eye on those who did - and that a lot of them were doing this job simply because they wanted to make people’s lives better.
His chances of seeing Massu while he was here diminished even further once he talked to the young woman at reception, and she told him with a bright, professional smile, that she had the documents he’d come to collect right here, waiting for him. He’d hoped that he’d be sent to pick them up from elsewhere, have a chance to go wandering around in search of Massu, but no such luck.
He accepted the folder full of signed documents, and then before he could stop himself, found his mouth asking, “Actually, if it’s not too much trouble… could you tell me if Yoshimoto Ren is in today?”
He felt like he was being too suspicious asking after him like that, but the receptionist’s smile didn’t falter for a second.
“Of course, just a moment.”
Tegoshi waited while she picked up the phone and dialed, listening to the half of the conversation he could hear that he was pretty sure wasn’t with Massu.
He was proven correct when she put the phone down and told him, “He’s in today, but he’s not available at the moment. He might just be on a quick break though, so if you want to wait…”
“Oh, no, it’s okay,” Tegoshi assured her, matching her smile with his own, “I just wanted to say hello.”
That information was all he actually needed. Tegoshi had been here before, and knew fairly well where the outside break area was. He left reception, following the path from his memory, and stepped out a door leading out the side of the structure.
It was fairly silent out, and Tegoshi wondered for a moment if maybe Massu was taking his break inside, when he thought he heard a snatch of hushed conversation.
His curiosity was piqued, and he followed the soft voices around the bend of the building, stopping short when he saw who was there.
Massu was, as he’d anticipated, but so was Nishikido Ryo. The two of them were sitting together on a bench, Ryo holding a lit cigarette in his hand, and their heads were so close that they must’ve been sharing the same air. Ryo was speaking in a low hum, in such a way that Tegoshi couldn’t pick up on his words, and from his body language, Massu seemed so comfortable and relaxed to be pressed up against Ryo like that. Too close for co-workers, Tegoshi thought, and he felt jealousy sinking its claws into him again.
Part of him thought that he should just walk away, leave the two of them on their own and pretend he never saw anything, but the other part insisted that there was nothing going on that he needed to worry about interrupting, and that walking away would be like admitting there was.
As usual, he chose the less socially tactful option.
“Massu!”
Both Ryo and Massu sat up straight and moved a visible inch apart. Ryo brought his cigarette to his lips casually, as though nothing had happened, but there was guilt and a just-caught-out look painted across both their faces that made Tegoshi squirm inside.
“Tegoshi?” Fortunately, Massu didn’t seem disappointed that he’d interrupted them. “What’re you doing here?”
“I came over to pick up some things. Thought I’d see if you were around and say hi.” Then he turned to Ryo and said in the most innocent voice he could muster, “This entire facility is a no smoking area.”
Ryo fixed him with a stare and lifted his cigarette back to his lips, sucking in, then blowing out purposefully, not taking his eye off Tegoshi the entire time.
“If my cigarette ever causes the facility to blow up, I’ll make sure not to do it again,” he said pointedly.
Massu let out an uncomfortable laugh, and Tegoshi’s personal opinion of Ryo dropped a few notches.
“Well, uh. We’d better get back to work soon,” Massu said, so tentatively that it almost sounded as though he was asking for permission rather than making a statement.
“After I’ve finished this,” Ryo said, and Massu nodded meekly, eyes flicking back and forth between him and Tegoshi.
“It was nice of you to come and say hi, Tegoshi. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
Tegoshi, for all his faults, knew a cue to leave when he heard it, and he shot Massu the most charming grin he could muster.
“Definitely. See you then.” He thought about saying goodbye to Ryo too, just to be polite, but of course it didn’t happen.
Tegoshi felt a little tense during the drive back to the company. Ryo and Massu didn’t seem like normal co-workers to him, and it made him unsettled. Now that he thought about it, Ryo did seem like the type who could swing either way, so a relationship developing between him and Massu wasn’t out of the question.
It put him in a foul mood for the rest of the day. He needed Massu, more than he could imagine Ryo ever needing him. Massu was the one thing in Tegoshi’s life that was holding him up above the tide of hopelessness he’d been drowning in before they’d met, and he didn’t want to share him with someone else.
He was starting to get a bit jittery by the time Wednesday rolled around, and could only hope that having lunch alone with Massu would calm his nerves.
Today, they went back to a restaurant they’d already been to on Massu’s behest, because he’d discovered the last time they went that they made really good gyoza.
“It’s my favorite food,” he explained, and Tegoshi was all too happy to go along with his wishes if it meant making Massu happy.
He was pleased that he had when Massu cleared his throat during lunch and then made a lot of awkward, hesitant noises, before he finally asked, “I was just wondering. I need to be here early on Friday for a meeting with my supervisor and one of the executives, but it takes forever to get here from my house.”
Tegoshi listened patiently, refusing to jump to conclusions and get excited about what he thought Massu might be implying. He couldn’t stop his heart from beating faster, though, as he waited for him to continue.
“So, if I stayed over at your place again tomorrow night, would it be too troublesome? It’s just that you live much closer, so…”
“No, you can stay,” Tegoshi said hurriedly, interrupting him. “That’s totally fine. Mom will be really happy. Is there anything you want for dinner? She’d be glad to make it.”
Massu looked like he was thinking hard for a moment, then said, “gyoza,” and started to laugh. Tegoshi laughed too, wondering if he’d ever get the grin off his face.
Tegoshi’s mother really did make gyoza for Massu in the end, which had the two of them in hysterics, because both of them knew he’d half been joking.
The same as last time, the mood between the three of them was comfortable and cheery, and Tegoshi marveled at how easily Massu fit into their home and family, almost as if he was meant to be there.
He listened, only with half an ear, as Massu told his mother the story of how he ended up joining the company, and it was too late to stop him before he asked, “so, how long has Tegoshi been working there?”
Tegoshi watched as a glazed look came into his mother’s eyes. She hardly talked about her husband, or any situation relating to him, and the circumstances in which Tegoshi had begun working at the company certainly fell under that. But then she shook her head, a determined expression taking over her face.
“About two years. When his father… left, the company offered him a position. Yuya had to give up nursing, even though he loved it. It’s sad, really…” Her voice was shaking as she said it, but in Tegoshi’s eyes, it was a big step for her.
He loved his mother. That was another reason he could never run away like his father had tried to. Even if he could manage to escape and survive, he couldn’t leave his mother alone as the sole person to pay back the debt their family owed.
“You were doing nursing?” Massu sounded surprised, like he hadn’t thought Tegoshi seemed the type to train as a nurse.
“For just over a year,” Tegoshi replied. “But, well… we owed the company a lot when dad left, so I had to step in, and it’s a fulltime job.”
Massu’s face looked strangely blank for a moment, something Tegoshi wasn’t used to at all.
“That’s a shame,” he said, but it sounded like his mind was elsewhere.
Tegoshi filled his mouth with rice and chewed slowly, not paying attention as his mother changed the topic and began to chatter about something more light-hearted.
He hated thinking about what he’d had to give up. Of course, he didn’t mind that he’d had to give things up to support his mother. He was a man, and he firmly believed that was what men were supposed to do. He just hated what he’d had to give it up for.
He suddenly felt the burning ache to share all this with Massu; how he’d had to let go of his dreams, how he’d slowly forced himself to fall out of contact with all the friends he’d made on the course, because for once in his life, he'd felt ashamed. Ashamed of what he was doing; ashamed that he was using everything he’d learned at school to harm people instead of help them.
But, he realized, looking at Massu's cheerful face as he discussed oldies music with Tegoshi's mother, he couldn't. For the same reason he couldn't escape from his job, he also lacked the freedom to tell anyone about it. Not only would he be putting himself in danger, but he'd also be risking Massu's life as well.
He was too scared to run the risk of ending up as the one on the medical stretcher, the one shut away in the observation rooms, waiting to be killed when his usefulness ran out. The thought of Massu being in that position was no more pleasant, and Tegoshi knew that no matter what he wanted, no matter how Massu's mere presence made his whole life that much easier to take, he still had to go this alone.
“You seem tired, Yuya,” his mother interrupted his train of thought, and Tegoshi realized belatedly that he'd been sitting there, staring into space. “Do you want to get ready for bed?”
“No, I'm fine,” he assured her. “I'm just thinking.”
He forced himself to cheer up and enjoy the rest of dinner, then went to run the bath while Massu offered to help his mother with the dishes.
They let Massu have the first bath that night, seeing as he was their guest, and Tegoshi went up to his room while he waited, stepping over piles of his belongings to lie down on the bed.
He really needed to do something about this room, he thought, but he had no motivation to get started, and by the time Massu was knocking on his door to let him know he was out of the bath, Tegoshi hadn’t moved from the spot on his bed.
“Tegoshi?”
He looked up, feeling his heart stop for a moment, before it resumed beating at double speed.
Aside from the ridiculously garish colors of the shorts and T-shirt he was wearing, Massu just out of the bath was mesmerizing. Hair wet, face flushed from heat, and Tegoshi hadn’t realized that he was so muscular under his suit and tie.
“Yeah?” He tore his eyes away from Massu’s calves to look him in the face. “You’re done?”
Massu didn’t reply, brow furrowing as he looked around Tegoshi’s room.
“This is…”
“A dump. I know,” Tegoshi hurried to assure him. “I’ve been looking for my wallet, but I can’t find it, even after turning the whole place upside down.”
He couldn’t figure out if the appalled expression on Massu’s face as he surveyed the area was amusing or insulting.
“You won’t find anything if your room isn’t tidy,” Massu told him. “Try cleaning up. That might work better than… digging.”
Tegoshi rolled over on his bed so he was lying on his stomach and propped himself up with his arms.
“Do you want to give me a hand then?” He asked, not paying any mind to the social faux pas of asking your guest to help you clean your room.
Massu seemed surprised as well, but for entirely different reasons.
“You don’t mind me touching your stuff?” His eyebrows practically rose into his hairline. “I mean… I can clean, I don’t mind. But is that okay?”
Tegoshi gave him a strange look, but chose not to inquire further.
“I don’t mind if you touch my things,” he said, feeling another wave of affection for Massu. He really was kind; Tegoshi didn’t know anyone else who’d come over to his house and then agree to help clean up for him.
“Nothing lying around that I, uh… shouldn’t see?”
“Massu, I live with my mother.” Tegoshi shot him a meaningful look, and Massu chuckled, half embarrassed, half amused.
“Okay. Well, I’ll make a start cleaning, but you can go and take your bath if you like.”
“Is that okay?” Tegoshi asked dubiously. Asking someone to help him and then leaving them to do all the work seemed a bit too shameless, even for him.
“It’s fine. I won’t be done by the time you get back, but it might seem a little less overwhelming for you by then.”
Not one to turn down good will when it was offered to him, Tegoshi offered Massu a thankful smile, and couldn’t resist patting him on the shoulder.
“Thanks. I won’t be long.”
He meant to stay true to his word, but after cleaning off in the shower and sinking into the hot bath water, it was so easy to relax and let his mind wander. By the time he finally got out, toweled himself dry and changed into his sleepwear, a lot more time had passed than he’d realized.
Massu was still there in his room though, pausing in his work to acknowledge Tegoshi’s return.
“I haven’t put anything away yet,” he apologized, “but I’ve sorted everything into piles.”
He gestured around the room, to the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed, the pile of books and CDs on his desk, and the pile of paper next to it. But the floor was visible again, and that’s what really counted.
“Also,” Massu continued, “guess what I found.”
Tegoshi’s face lit up when he saw what was in Massu’s hand.
“My wallet!” He took it from him, beaming from ear to ear. “Thank you so much, Massu. Where did you find it?”
Massu motioned toward the space around the desk. “On the floor. Buried.”
Tegoshi breathed a sigh of relief, unconsciously clutching the wallet to his chest. Now that it wasn’t lost anymore, he was ready to leave his room in its current state, but Massu seemed reluctant to stop now that he’d started. Tegoshi ended up sitting on his bed, chatting rather than helping, and giving Massu directions when he wasn’t sure where something went.
Tegoshi drew the line at letting him organize his CDs alphabetically by artist, though, gently suggesting that it was time they went to bed.
“I’m so glad you found it,” Tegoshi said for about the fifth time since he’d been reunited with his wallet, as they bid each other goodnight. “And thanks for cleaning up for me.”
Massu shook his head. “It’s alright. Tidying is kind of therapeutic for me anyway.”
Tegoshi stopped just short of saying, ‘and you’re therapeutic for me’, instead telling him, “I’ll see you in the morning,”.
That night, he fell asleep with a smile on his face, knowing that his wallet was on the table next to him, and that Massu was sleeping only a few rooms away.
---
Now that he had his own swipe card back, it was nice not having to come in to work early, and certainly nice not to have to spend more time down in the lab than was absolutely necessary.
He got some strange looks over the next few days, from people who were used to him being sullen and unfriendly, but he didn’t pay them any attention. He’d long since stopped caring what people at work thought.
On a lesser level, it was the return of his wallet that had him in such high spirits, but mostly it was because of Massu staying at his house. Tegoshi hadn’t really thought about it at the time, but now he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it was a sign that Massu was interested in him, as more than a colleague. He found himself thinking that perhaps it was time for him to try asking Massu if he wanted to hang out on the weekend again.
By the time Wednesday came, Tegoshi was dying to ask him. He was a little antsy that morning, impatient to leave, and ended up catching the bus to work half an hour earlier than he usually would.
Traffic was particularly bad that day, crawling along at a snail’s pace, and walking probably would’ve been faster.
Things got steadily worse from there.
For the most part, Tegoshi had forgotten his worries about Ryo and his involvement with Massu, pushing the scene from the other day into the far corners of his brain and leaving it there. He hadn’t completely erased it from his mind, but that made it no less of a blow to the heart when he arrived at work just in time to see the two of them turn up together.
As ridiculous as it was, Tegoshi’s first response was ‘that’s not fair’. Wednesdays were his day with Massu, and as far as Tegoshi knew, Ryo wasn’t even supposed to be here.
He stood there in the middle of the street, watching them walk along, both talking comfortably with smiles on their faces, shoulders bumping and hands brushing.
They were too close, he found himself thinking again, and his stomach twisted. Too close for it to just be a regular relationship between co-workers.
It took him until they’d disappeared into the building to realize that he was still standing in the middle of the street, forcing people walk around him.
The first thing he did when he got to his floor was check the company planner to see if he could find any reason for Ryo being here. Hopefully, whatever he’d come to the main building for, it wouldn’t interrupt Tegoshi’s weekly lunch date with Massu. If Massu ditched him for Ryo or invited Ryo along, Tegoshi knew he’d be in a foul mood for the rest of the day.
He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not to find out what he did. The meeting room on this floor had been booked, and it came back to Tegoshi that today was the day the executives were having another of their meetings with Ryo - officially it was a meeting to discuss the possibility of transferring to another of the company laboratories in Japan; unofficially, it was a chance to test Ryo, asking him carefully selected questions to work out if he was the right person to let in on the company secret.
So while that explained why he was here outside of his usual monthly visit, it still didn’t explain why he was here long before the meeting was due to start, and at the same time as Massu no less. Fortunately, the meeting started at about the same time as Massu and Tegoshi usually went on lunch break, which meant Ryo wouldn’t interrupt their usual routine, but he was still left wondering about their relationship.
They were far too friendly with each other, considering how recently they’d met. It was almost as though they’d known one another before Massu had begun working for the company, but everything the two of them had said implied that Ryo had known Massu for as long as Tegoshi had. Did that mean they had some kind of secret between them that they were keeping from everyone else?
He was all ready to be wary of the two of them, but caught himself at the last moment. What was he thinking? He was jealous, and that was that. Coming up with stupid conspiracies as to why Ryo and Massu were so familiar with one another wasn’t going to change that, or anything else about the situation. The only secret they possibly wanted to keep was that they were in a relationship, and Tegoshi knew he’d be stupid to think otherwise.
He was convinced that he’d spend the entire lunch break being grumpy and unresponsive, but in the end, Massu did manage to make him smile and get him talking like normal, and Tegoshi couldn’t help but cheer up. Massu was like magic.
He’d briefly considered going back on his plan to readdress the idea of meeting up after the working week was over, but after a bit of food and some good conversation, Tegoshi couldn’t think of any reason why he shouldn’t go through with it.
“We should really do something on the weekend some time,” he said, forward as ever. “You’ve seen my house. I want to see yours.”
Massu smiled, eyes crinkling at the edges. “It’s not much of a house.”
“Still. I want to see it.” He could see the hesitation in Massu’s face, and instead of backing down, continued to prod gently. “You can’t be busy all weekend, right?”
A waitress came to take their dishes away, and Massu paused to thank her before looking back at Tegoshi with a rare decisive expression.
“I’ll check my schedule tomorrow and see how much work I have to do. If I have time, then okay. Let’s make plans.”
Tegoshi’s heart leapt.
Ryo was still in the meeting with Miyagi and the other executives when Tegoshi got back from lunch, allowing him to loiter around in the copy room, exchanging idle chitchat with Koyama and ignoring his work. He enjoyed executive meetings and the feeling of freedom it gave him when all the company directors were locked away in a little room.
Tegoshi knew that he wasn’t really under constant surveillance at work; in fact, he was probably watched more closely when he was outside of the office than when he was in it - it was a preventative measure, to assure none of the staff went to the authorities, and it had taken Tegoshi almost four months to dispel the feeling of eyes on his back, watching his every move. But even so, Miyagi’s oppressive presence weighed him down, and without it there, Tegoshi felt more cheerful and buoyant.
However, those feelings weren’t quite enough to outweigh his curiosity and stop him from lingering around, attempting to gauge the results of the meeting once it was over. He watched Ryo leave, ignoring the small pang of jealousy simply from seeing him that bubbled away inside like an upset stomach.
Listening in, everything they said was, of course, rather cryptic, but Tegoshi caught Miyagi telling Suzuki-sensei that ‘it seemed like he might have a young genius on his team shortly’, and that was enough to ensure Tegoshi that things had gone well for them on the Ryo front.
It made him a bit angry, and the reason why only hit him once he’d packed his briefcase and was out the door on his way to the bus stop.
Massu obviously trusted Ryo - that much was clear from the way he behaved around him during the moments when Tegoshi had watched them interact - and so,in a way, it felt to him like Ryo was deceiving Massu. Tegoshi had never been asked to sit in on any of the meetings, but he was familiar with some of the questions that were posed to the people like Ryo in order to test where they stood on the subject of human rights versus the advancement of research in the field. If Ryo had answered them in a way that made Miyagi think it would be safe to let him in on the company secret, then Tegoshi was sure that he was just as much of a disgusting person as every other one of the scientists who worked down there.
Massu, on the other hand, would never approve of the kind of thing that went on in the basement of the building; his nature made that much obvious. Tegoshi could only imagine how betrayed he’d feel if he knew that Ryo not only condoned it, but would actually be willing to help further it.
On top of it all, it only helped to fuel his envy. He knew it was true that he was also helping to advance the company’s cause, but it wasn’t of his own free will. And so it made him furious that scum like Ryo could so easily get close to Massu, while it had proved far more difficult for Tegoshi who was nauseated by the entire idea of using unwilling test subjects.
In true Tegoshi fashion, he brooded over it, sinking into a deeper funk as the evening went on, until his phone chimed, signaling that he’d received a message.
‘I have a bit of free time this Saturday evening if you still want to come over,’ it read, with Massu’s name sitting above under the sender I.D.
Tegoshi’s eyes lit up and his grin almost split his face. It seemed like he was finally beginning to get somewhere.
Of course, he wasn’t able to celebrate for long. His life had been a tumultuous ride of ups and downs for the past what felt like forever, and there was no reason for it to stop just because he’d finally been invited to his love interest’s house.
He knew something big was going on the moment he stepped into Miyagi’s office on Thursday morning and was asked to close the door behind him and take a seat.
Tegoshi was immediately on edge. Miyagi usually liked to keep his door open, giving the impression of someone who had nothing to hide, so for him to ask Tegoshi to shut it, whatever they were about to discuss must be highly classified.
He tried not to look too nervous as he sat, grateful that the desk was there to provide a barrier between the two of them, and waited for whatever was to come.
Miyagi gave him a long, searching look that almost had Tegoshi squirming in his seat, before he asked, “tell me, Tegoshi-kun. Are you particularly close with Yoshimoto Ren?”
Of all the things Tegoshi had been expecting, that certainly wasn’t one of them. He fought to hide his surprise, wondering where on earth this could be going, and tried to reply with an even tone.
“I suppose that we’re friends. We spend a little time together outside of work.”
“I see.” Miyagi looked deeply contemplative, frown lines mixing with the age lines on his face. Then after a moment, he added, “and have you noticed anything suspicious about him?”
This time Tegoshi failed to smother his look of surprise, and his eyebrows rose.
“Suspicious?”
Miyagi nodded. “Others in the company think, and I agree, that he’s not always where he’s supposed to be when he’s at work. Have you ever found this?”
“No, I…” Tegoshi began to say, but then paused, remembering the circumstances under which Massu had first come to his house. “… well. Maybe a little.”
“I see.” Miyagi’s expression didn’t change. “You know what the consequences of leaking information about the company are, don’t you, Tegoshi-kun.”
‘How could I forget,’ Tegoshi thought, bitter, but he couldn’t say that aloud. “I do.”
“Okay. Good.” He kept staring, but obviously not finding any hint of deception in Tegoshi’s features, Miyagi’s expression eased a bit. “Well, in that case, your relationship could be an advantage. Keep an eye on him. Keep track of any suspicious behavior, any at all, and make sure you report it back to me.”
The idea troubled Tegoshi, made him feel like he was a double agent. He didn’t want to feed anyone information about someone he called his friend, but considering the circumstances, what choice did he have?
“I understand,” he said, and that was all it took for Miyagi to let him go.
It almost made Tegoshi want to cancel his whole arrangement for Saturday. He’d been so excited about finally getting Massu to agree to spend time with him on the weekend, and now the visit had been turned into nothing more than an opportunity for Tegoshi to become his company’s spy.
What was worse, now that the idea had been planted in his head, he wouldn’t be able to ignore it, and even little normal things that Massu did would end up looking suspicious in Tegoshi’s eyes.
And what if it turned out to be true? To him, Massu was someone simple, comforting, someone good in a world that was anything but. If he wasn’t who he said he was, just like everyone else around him, what would Tegoshi do then?
For the first time since Massu had come into his life, when he went down to the lab, the thought of him didn’t comfort Tegoshi at all. Without that to hide behind, the old feelings all came rushing back as he prepared his needle; disgust, pity, hopelessness, anger, guilt, twisting together in his stomach into one big, nauseating knot.
He wasn’t sure why he did it today, when he was a vulnerable, guilt-ridden mess with nothing to hold him up, but he looked at the first test subject; really looked at him, right into his eyes.
He was a boy, not much younger than Tegoshi himself, worn around the edges like all of them, and much in need of a haircut and a shave.
There was fear in his face - how could there not be? - but along with it, there was resignation. He wasn’t screaming or crying or trying to plead through his gag; he was just lying there, knowing he was trapped, ready to die, and when Tegoshi’s gloved hand touched his arm, brushing over the vein in the crook of his elbow, the boy squeezed his eyes shut tight.
“I’m sorry,” Tegoshi whispered for the first time in over a year, as the needle pricked skin, and he couldn’t figure out why it felt like he was apologizing to himself.
---
Despite everything, he couldn’t help but be a little excited on Saturday, as the two hour train trip to Massu’s house neared its end. He was still anxious after his short meeting with Miyagi, but that couldn’t completely outweigh the anticipation of finally being able to spend time with Massu at the weekend.
As it turned out, Massu lived on the third floor of an apartment complex in Shizuoka. Tegoshi thought it was a bit small as he looked around it after he’d been let in, but it was probably the right size for someone who was living alone. Tegoshi just had a preference for wide, open spaces.
Massu himself was dressed in what may have been the most unsightly pair of shorts to ever grace the face of the earth, and a T-shirt that didn’t quite go with them - not that there would be many items of clothing in the world that would, when the shorts barely went with themselves.
“I told you it wasn’t much,” Massu said when Tegoshi finally managed to get his eyes off his clothes and had given his apartment the once over.
“I told you that didn’t matter,” Tegoshi replied. Then he added, “So, are you going to offer me a drink or something?”
Massu quirked an eyebrow at him, but his lips visibly twitched into a small smile. “Do you want tea?”
Tegoshi nodded, and Massu set off into the kitchen, then backtracked to tell him, “ah, and you can sit down if you want. Just, you know, get comfortable.”
Massu obviously wasn’t used to having people over, Tegoshi concluded as he relaxed on the couch in the living area, curling up with his feet under him. He probably didn’t have much time to entertain guests with all the work he needed to do, but that was alright; his awkwardness was sweet in its own way.
Everything he’d said checked out so far, Tegoshi found himself thinking absentmindedly, and then he grimaced. He didn’t want to be thinking those kinds of thoughts right now.
The afternoon felt a lot like their lunch breaks together, aside from the brief, somewhat tense moment when Massu came back with their tea, and immediately went stony-faced and asked Tegoshi to get his feet off the couch, please.
Without a need to keep their eye on the clock, they lost track of time, and it was dark before they realized it. They only noticed that dinner time had snuck up on them when Tegoshi’s stomach let out a loud grumble of complaint, interrupting their conversation.
“Are you hungry?” Massu asked needlessly, and Tegoshi nodded.
“Very.”
Despite his claims about his lack of cooking ability the first time the two of them had discussed food, the simple omurice that Massu made tasted perfectly fine, and Tegoshi’s praises as they ate it weren’t forced at all. He helped with the dishes afterwards, and the two of them retired to the couch again once they were all clean and put away, Tegoshi surreptitiously moving in a little closer than he’d been that afternoon.
“Sorry there isn’t much to do here,” Massu apologized, but Tegoshi shook his head.
“I’m not bored.”
It was true; even though Tegoshi preferred to be active and didn’t usually like sitting still for long, he was quite happy to stay here on the couch, furtively leaning into Massu just that tiny bit more than he should.
Somehow, it seemed as though there was a different feeling in the room now, compared to before they’d had dinner; to Tegoshi at least, the atmosphere seemed more tranquil and relaxed, with almost a dream-like quality, similar to the moment of crossing from consciousness into sleep.
He knew that it was getting late, and that he should be watching the time to make sure he didn’t miss the last train home, but it felt so good to be alone with Massu, without any time limits or restrictions.
Maybe he’d let him stay the night if he didn’t leave in time, Tegoshi thought. He smiled at the idea, unaware that their conversation had died off and that his eyes were drooping. His head dropped onto Massu’s shoulder before he even realized he was slumping, but Massu made no move to push him off or sit him back up, and so Tegoshi left it there. It was a strange sensation, though not an unwelcome one, to be torn between feeling peaceful and drowsy, or filled with nervous anticipation by the intimacy of their position.
“Tegoshi?” Massu called his name after a few minutes, in the soft kind of voice used to check whether someone is asleep. “Are you still awake?”
Tegoshi wasn’t sure what came over him, but at that moment, it just felt right to turn his head toward Massu and lean in to kiss him.
He didn’t get very far; Massu let out a short, shocked noise and tipped backwards, losing his balance and toppling over onto the couch. He scrambled back up, not going as far as to move away from Tegoshi completely, but putting at least a good ten inches of space between them.
“Tegoshi, what, what, what’re you…”
It was unusual for Tegoshi to ever be truly embarrassed, but right now he could feel the blood rushing for his face and staining his cheeks scarlet.
“I’m sorry, that was…” he trailed off, trying not to cringe. “I wasn’t thinking.”
Massu wasn’t quite meeting his eyes, and instead had his gaze fixed firmly on Tegoshi’s chin. He was blushing too, cheeks bright red like a pair of apples, clearly uncomfortable, but at least not trying to kick him out.
“I didn’t realize you… that is, I mean…”
“No, no, that’s okay,” Tegoshi assured him, wishing there was some way to make the situation less awkward. “I shouldn’t have assumed that you like men.”
Silence settled in the room like a heavy, omnipotent presence, until Massu spoke again, so softly that it almost seemed like he didn’t really want Tegoshi to hear what he was saying.
“It’s not that. It’s not that, it’s just. I mean, you wouldn’t be wrong if you thought that, I just.” He stopped and cleared his throat, then tried again. “There’s someone. I mean, I have someone.”
Tegoshi sat tense and still, and then as though he hadn’t already made the situation bad enough as it already was, put the thought that had been in his mind all this time into words. “You mean Nishikido-kun.”
He saw Massu’s mouth open a little, but then he stopped and shut it again, not bothering to deny it. He didn’t have to say anything. That was enough to confirm it for Tegoshi.
He took a deep breath, trying to order his thoughts and steady himself. “Would you like me to leave?”
Massu bit his lip, still not looking him in the face. “You don’t have to. Only if you want.”
It didn’t make him feel as bad as a straight yes would have, for which he was grateful, but Tegoshi didn’t think either of them would be comfortable with him staying here for any longer.
“I’ll go,” he said firmly, and stood. Massu did as well, following awkwardly behind him as he headed for the door. “Thanks again for dinner.”
“That’s okay.” Massu shrugged and scuffed his foot against the floor. “I guess I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“I guess.” Tegoshi repeated, not knowing whether that made him feel better or worse. “Bye.”
It was only once he was a good distance away that the shock of rejection wore off, replaced by anger and a million things he wanted to say; like how Ryo was dirt, didn’t deserve him, that Massu would drop him in a second if he knew what Ryo was really like. He wanted to expose him, tell Massu what a filthy liar and disgusting human being his boyfriend really was, but without any proof or any excuse he could give safely, there was nothing Tegoshi could do but accept defeat.
He spent most of Sunday morning lying listlessly around his room, feeling like a teenager experiencing his first heartbreak, before picking up his old soccer ball for the first time in a couple of years and heading out to kick away his frustration. It turned out the ball was a bit flat from so many months of neglect, only causing his irritation to mount instead, and he gave it a hard boot across the field, not bothering to retrieve it before he left.
It was more difficult than usual to dredge up the will to go to work the next day, and he’d have been tempted to stay in bed if he hadn’t had the motivation of a huge debt he needed to pay back.
The whole thing came to a head sooner than he’d expected when he called into Miyagi’s office once he arrived.
“Any information on Yoshimoto?” Miyagi asked him almost immediately, and Tegoshi’s already crumbling self-control collapsed.
“Not much, other than that he’s fucking your precious Nishikido Ryo,” he snapped, feeling numb with horror the second the words were out of his mouth.
That wasn’t the kind of thing anyone said to their boss, much less to a boss who could lord perfectly feasible death threats over your head.
But Miyagi just cocked an eyebrow and looked at Tegoshi quizzically.
“That’s not really the sort of information we were looking for, but perhaps it could be useful. In the meantime, keep digging,” he said, and then launched smoothly into giving Tegoshi his schedule for the morning.
He spent most of the day in a haze, progressing slowly with his work and barely speaking, much like his behavior during the first three months of the job. Koyama seemed worried, but with Tegoshi effectively ignoring everyone around him, there was little he could do.
Tuesday was much the same, and he spent it going through the motions, waiting for the hours to tick by so he could go home and go back to sleep.
He felt a little happier when he woke the next day, and it took him until he was on the bus to work to discover that it was because he knew he’d be seeing Massu at lunch. It made him a little angry that, after all that had happened over the past few days or so, he was still so reliant on Massu for his peace of mind, but what could he do about it?
Miyagi wasn’t there when Tegoshi got to work, which was a little unusual, but he wasn’t going to question a good thing; not if it meant he could get away with shutting himself away in his office and not talking to anyone until lunch.
He’d been staring blankly at the same document on his computer screen for the past quarter of an hour when the phone on his desk rang.
“Hello, Miyagi Pharmaceutical Corporation. This is Tegoshi speaking. How can I help you?”
“Tegoshi-kun, I’d like to have a word with you.”
Tegoshi’s lip curled, but he supposed it would’ve been too much to ask for Miyagi to be away for the whole day without prior notice.
He glanced at his clock. Just past midday. Hopefully this wouldn’t take too long, or he’d end up being late to see Massu.
Tegoshi could tell from the moment when he entered the office that Miyagi looked unusually serious today, and the urge to back right out of the room again hit him more strongly than usual.
“Please close the door behind you and sit down, Tegoshi-kun.” He sounded distracted, like he had a lot on his mind, and it made Tegoshi a little anxious. Naturally, he didn’t care about Miyagi or anything that might be troubling him, but the peculiarity of it unnerved him.
Tegoshi sat in the chair opposite the desk, staring at the polished wooden surface and waiting for Miyagi to explain to him why he was here.
He took his time, doing nothing but shuffle through some papers for a few moments before clearing his throat.
“Would you happen to know anyone by the name of Masuda Takahisa?”
Tegoshi frowned, going through the jumble of names in his head and trying to recall a Masuda.
“Was that the man we talked to about the research grant last year?”
“No. That was Masuda Hirosuke,” Miyagi said, but he seemed oddly pleased that the name hadn’t rung any bells for Tegoshi. “Take a look at these if you would.”
He pushed the papers he’d been flipping through before across the desk. Tegoshi picked them up, eyeing them with only mild interested until he turned the page over and saw the photo.
“Massu?”
Masuda Takahisa, born in Tokyo, 26 years old. Tegoshi’s mouth opened and closed of its own accord, moving without making a single sound. He fumbled the documents, hands trembling so violently he couldn’t hold them steady, and scanned the rows of tiny text, trying to make sense of it all.
For once, Miyagi did him a favor.
“It turns out that Yoshimoto Ren doesn’t have a degree in pharmaceutical science at all. It turns out that he doesn’t even exist.” He paused, motioning for Tegoshi to give the papers back, which he did without a word.
“But Massu is… Massu…” Tegoshi shook his head, numb with disbelief.
“He’s an undercover agent, working to expose our company. Our contacts in the government did a bit of research on him and dug up the details, but the real question is, who leaked the information in the first place.”
“You think it was me?” Tegoshi asked, and he was suddenly terrified. He hadn’t endured this place for the past two years, spent so long feeling miserable and guilty and disgusted with himself to die because of something he hadn’t done. He was scared for himself, scared for his mother who’d be left all alone with the remainder of her husband’s debt hanging over her.
Miyagi leant back in his chair and exhaled heavily.
“To be honest with you, Tegoshi-kun, we don’t. You’re still very much under surveillance, and if you were the one who’d contacted his service, we’d have solid evidence of it.” He was still frowning, and Tegoshi realized that they had absolutely no idea who it was who’d tipped the authorities off. “What I really wanted to talk to you about was how we’re going to deal with Masuda.”
A chill cut through Tegoshi’s body and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rising.
“Deal with…” he repeated, as realization slowly dawned on him. “You don’t mean…”
“It’ll be difficult to cover. If an agent goes missing in the middle of a case, naturally foul play will be suspected. But we’re already making arrangements with our contacts in the government to see what they can do. After all, bad press for us is bad press for them.”
“Wait,” Tegoshi interrupted, trying not to panic. “When are you going to… I mean, what are you going to do with…”
“We’re already holding him,” Miyagi affirmed, and Tegoshi felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “We’ve called someone in to interrogate him, but whether he talks or not, we’re going to get rid of him in the end. When that time comes, you’ll treat him like any other test subject, of course, but I wanted to make sure you were aware of what was going on first.”
His heart clenched and his throat felt like it had closed up. Miyagi said it so matter-of-factly, as if it should just be that easy for Tegoshi to swallow; like it was simply just one more person to add to the list of everyone he’d ever sent down that track so far.
He couldn’t understand why Miyagi didn’t realize that this was completely different; they were going to kill Massu. They were going to kill him, and Tegoshi was going to be the first one to pull the trigger. And it wouldn’t matter when the bullet finally hit, because he’d still be the one Massu blamed right up until the end.
“I think I need to excuse myself,” Tegoshi forced his mouth to say, and Miyagi didn’t try to stop him.
He went back to his office, pacing back and forth in front of his desk, unable to sit down. It felt like he needed to stay moving, to be doing something, to stay in control.
He didn’t get any work whatsoever finished for the rest of the day, couldn’t even try. He couldn’t stay still long enough to use the computer, and he couldn’t form sentences coherently enough to interact with anyone. Even when he tried to organize files, his brain wouldn’t register what was on the page, and he ended up shuffling through the same bits of paper, over and over again, until it was time to go home.
He didn’t eat that night, managing to string together enough words to tell his mother he had a stomach ache and going to straight to bed. It turned into a long night. He didn’t get so much as a moment of sleep, unable to find a comfortable position and too preoccupied to doze off once he did. When the sun started to rise just a little after half past 5, he decided there was no point in trying anymore and just got up.
He had no reason to stay around and wait for his mother to get up, Tegoshi decided, since she’d just worry about him not eating breakfast and try to convince him to take the day off. Instead, he wrote her a note saying that he’d left early, and then spent the next hour and a half before his bus came aimlessly wandering the neighborhood.
Up until that point, Tegoshi hadn’t thought he’d experience a worse time in his life than the first week he’d spent working at the company, but he was proven wrong in one day.
He still couldn’t concentrate on his work, and even passed out on his desk for a few moments toward the end of the day. He was too scared to ask about Massu - Masuda? - and how his interrogation was coming along, but from the way Miyagi’s brow seemed to be permanently wrinkled, and how his lips were pulled into a tight frown, Tegoshi assumed it wasn’t going well. Massu was, after all, a special agent. They trained them to resist interrogation, and breaking him wouldn’t be easy, no matter what they did.
It was terrifying to think about. A company who would kidnap and inject people with viruses certainly wouldn’t be below torturing someone for information, but Tegoshi wanted to believe that they wouldn’t go that far - they liked to pretend to be humane, even if they were far from it.
He wondered how long they’d keep Massu for if he didn’t talk; if they’d make it a long, drawn out process, or if they’d recognize someone who wouldn’t crack and give up accordingly.
He wasn’t sure which one he’d prefer.
> go to part 3