fic for rockthecliche
Gift Fic for: rockthecliche
From: zheinpathos
Title: Drawing Circles
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: RyoMassu
Summary: Massu's sketchbooks bore witness to his confusion.
Notes: Translation of "code" from here. Title based on this video.
To rockthecliche, I'm not sure if I understood your requests correctly, but I hope you like this! ♥ Much love to the people whose real-life stories have been the inspiration for this fic and to my lovely betas. ♥
Spring
Massu thought art schools were totally overrated. As a design student in an arts school, he felt he had the right to say this, especially since he didn't see anything that made him different from other university students, at least, as far as he knew. The only thing that set him apart was his unique sense of fashion and color combinations, but being around people walking around in much stranger-looking clothes made this argument null and void. He thought that his roommate, a law student named Shige, was infinitely more interesting than him, even if Shige talked and acted like a forty-year-old man.
His string of thought broke as Massu stepped into yet another puddle of mud, worsening his already ruined favorite pair of sneakers. He swore he felt insects biting every square inch of exposed (and some unexposed) skin, and he found himself cursing his very interesting roommate again as he wandered aimlessly in the forest he'd managed to get himself lost in, the map Shige gave him crumpled and useless in his fist and his useless phone in his pocket.
He was about to give up and wait for Shige to come find him when he felt someone tap his shoulder. Hoping it was Shige, he turned, but it turned out to be a stranger. The (good looking, in Massu's opinion) stranger smiled and asked if he was ok.
By this time, Massu didn't care who it was as long as someone was willing to get him out of this hell-hole, so he asked the guy to please lead him to a place where there weren't any insects and, hopefully, a place with cell phone reception.
When the stranger smiled at him, Massu felt his face burn as he returned it.
A month, and half a sketchpad later, Massu was beating himself over the head for not asking the stranger's name back in that forest. He could only look at the sketches he had done of that man, and he couldn't tell anyone that the person in his sketches was a real person without knowing the stranger's name. Massu thought that there was no chance for him to ever meet the man again.
--
Strangely enough though, the universe (or Tegoshi) had a different idea.
Tegoshi was Massu's friend from high school, and although they'd ended up going to different universities, fate (or probably Tegoshi) hadn't wanted them to lose their friendship. Massu ended up getting into one school, and that art school was a block away from Tegoshi's, so they often met at a cafe between their schools.
One day, at the time when cherry blossoms scattered everywhere, Tegoshi arrived with two other people. One of them was Tegoshi's sempai and neighbor, Yamashita Tomohisa, who had a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and wanted to be called Yamapi. The other one was Yamashita's roommate and a music major in the same school as Massu.
His name was Nishikido Ryo. He was who Massu had been calling "The Stranger in his Sketchpad".
--
Massu learned early on that Ryo wasn't always as nice as he was back when Massu was lost in that forest.
Since then, Tegoshi always made it a point to invite Yamapi and Ryo whenever he invited Massu, Shige and Shige's best friend, Koyama, to hang out. The first time they went shopping, Ryo left in a huff after Massu spent thirty minutes trying to decide between a rainbow-colored army print pair of pants and a rainbow-colored plaid pair of shorts. Yamapi and Tegoshi ran after him, probably to explain that Massu isn't slow to annoy you, he's just really indecisive. Massu doubted that it would be enough to get rid of Ryo's irritation.
When they met up in a restaurant two hours later (Massu decided against both pairs and got a pair of cargo shorts instead), Massu still felt bad about Ryo's outburst, despite Tegoshi and Yamapi's assurance that Ryo wasn't really angry, just impatient.
When Ryo decided that he was full, Massu stared at the half-finished plate of gyoza Ryo left. He didn't know whether Ryo noticed him looking or not, but a minute later, Ryo passed the plate to the still-hungry Yamapi.
Massu didn't even acknowledge the plate Koyama slid towards him.
--
When the examination season arrived, their group outings turned into outings with just Massu and Ryo. With the others scrambling to get some serious studying done, the two art school students were left alone. They were thankful that their school gave out more practical tests or projects, but that also gave them too much time to waste.
That day, the two of them were together at a cafe while they waited for the others to crack and come out with them.
Massu still wasn't used to the smell of cigarettes, even though hung out a lot with Shige and Koyama, who were both smokers (although he supposed the two of them were nice enough to smoke far away enough for him not smell it). Ryo wasn't as considerate, so when he lit up, Massu took it as a cue for him to break away and start shopping. He was surprised Ryo offered to go with him, and even more surprised that Ryo actually put out his stick.
Even though Massu was the one to suggest they go shopping, Massu lagged behind as Ryo walked briskly in front of him. Massu didn't really want to jog after him, as he liked to walk leisurely when he shopped, but Ryo looked back to him and jerked his head--a signal that Ryo wasn't gonna wait very long for Massu. Still, Massu was surprised to see Ryo actually stop and wait for him.
When he finally caught up to Ryo, Massu felt Ryo's hand bump his hand. Massu blushed furiously, even though he knew that it probably meant nothing. He almost jumped out of his skin when he noticed Ryo move a bit closer to him. The street was nearly deserted, being a weekday, so there wasn't any reason for Ryo to move so closely. His heart was thundering in his chest, making breathing hard. He was afraid Ryo would notice his reactions, but the other said nothing.
He wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved.
Summer
Massu stopped in the middle of the stairway when he saw a familiar mop of dark hair. Leaning on the wall across the bottom of the stairs was Ryo. To say that Massu was confused would be an understatement; normally, a student standing there wouldn't be strange, but a music major like Ryo had no business in the design building. Massu assumed that maybe Ryo had a friend around the building, so he continued walking.
He was about to take a turn when he saw Ryo raise his head and meet his eyes. Ryo jerked his head, a signal Massu interpreted to mean follow me before he started to walk towards the building entrance. Massu continued to follow him wordlessly, his voice caught in his throat. They were walking outside the campus when Massu finally found his voice, asking Ryo what was going on.
Ryo answered with one word: home.
--
They continued to walk home together from then, their paths splitting only at the corner of Massu's street. They didn't talk much during these walks, and frankly, Massu didn't know what to say. It wasn't uncomfortable, but Massu kept having this urge to hold Ryo's hand until they had to go their separate ways.
But one rainy day, as they huddled under Massu's umbrella, Ryo grabbed the hand that was wrapped around the handle and intertwined their fingers. Massu felt his heart skip a beat and his face burn. No one was around to see them, but Massu couldn't help feeling nervous. What if someone they knew saw them? What was Ryo thinking? What did this mean? Did Ryo find out about his crush?
Massu found that he really didn't want to let Ryo's small hand go. He liked the feeling of holding someone's hand, and for a moment, Massu wondered if this was how it felt to hold a girl's hand. He'd never held one, not like this. Massu snuck a peek at Ryo's face--it betrayed nothing, as if Ryo always held hands with his friends, not mattering if they were a guy or a girl.
He felt Ryo's fingers slowly slip away. Massu looked up to see that the rain had stopped just as they reached Massu's street. Ryo went on without looking behind him, leaving Massu to watch him walk away in the humid summer night.
Later, Shige got home to see brushes and paints littered all over Massu's side of the apartment. His roommate was asleep on the floor, surrounded by several paintings and sketches; all the drawings had the same dark-skinned and dark-haired subject.
--
When Tegoshi suddenly burst into the apartment one day, Massu heard Shige and Koyama laugh from the living room. He vaguely listened to Tegoshi's excited voice as he moved his fingers across his "school" sketchpad, looking intently at the carefully (and "artfully") stacked books on the kitchen table.
He was concentrating so hard on his sketch that he didn't notice someone else's presence in the kitchen. When he put down his pencil to stretch his fingers, someone poked him hard in the side, causing him to squeal.
He turned to glare at his offender but stopped. Ryo and Yamapi were laughing by the counter, obviously enjoying the way Massu reacted, but Massu wasn't paying attention to that.
Ryo's carefree expression, bathed in the colors of late summer, made him want to grab his "Ryo" sketchpad (the second one) and his paints, but he was too embarrassed to let Ryo know about that. He was half-tempted to just ask Ryo to be his model, but the mere thought made him want to hide his head under the ground.
--
It soon became a normal thing to find Ryo, Yamapi, Tegoshi or Koyama randomly hanging out in Massu and Shige's room. It was ironic how a large group of college students (and one graduate student, in Koyama's case) could manage to stay quiet in one room and actually get work done. Tegoshi, Shige and Koyama usually crowded around the living room surrounded by 2-inch thick tomes and piles of notes while Yamapi usually read presentations and graphs on his laptop as he chewed on bread and sat on the floor. Ryo and Massu would stay in the kitchen as they worked, with Ryo's ears covered with sound-canceling headsets as he fiddled with something on his laptop.
Massu loved drawing during these times. Not only did the ambiance made him want to work more, but he was also given an unobstructed view of Ryo's different facial expressions as he worked.
Today, Ryo was uncharacteristically surrounded by books, his notes covering all spare surfaces of the kitchen table. Ryo looked like he was about to burst with the amount of technical terms he was forced to memorize, so Massu let him be and just propped the sketchpad on his lap.
Massu jumped when Ryo suddenly stood up and stomped towards the living room. He heard Ryo ask Shige if he could borrow his guitar for a moment. Massu assumed that Shige agreed because after a few moments, the room was filled with music. After carefully placing the sketchpad on top of Ryo's notes, taking care not to mess them up, Massu entered the living room.
The sight of Ryo concentrating on the sounds coming from Shige's well-used guitar and of the others listening to it with their eyes closed and their bodies relaxed urged Massu to grab his sketchpad, flip to a blank page and start sketching.
Autumn
Their shared umbrella couldn't protect them from the strong winds brought about by the typhoon season. Ryo unconsciously moved closer to Massu, making Massu feel warm despite the harsh wind and the rain. Yet, Massu felt the tension coming from Ryo's shoulders; it was as if Ryo was trying to stop himself from doing something.
Massu tried to be nonchalant as he put his hand on Ryo's shoulder, pulling the smaller man closer under the pretense of trying to keep Ryo as far away from the rain as possible, but Ryo quickly pushed it off. Massu watched as Ryo ran through the strong wind and the rain.
Why Ryo acted this way around him was beyond his comprehension--he was sweet the first minute, cold the next; he would drop boulder-sized hints, then say something that would completely demolish these. He wanted to believe that Ryo liked him, but he wasn't even sure if Ryo was gay.
He could just be seeing what he wanted to see.
--
Ryo's story came out of the blue, and he wasn't the one to tell it--Yamapi was.
It was a rare night with all six of them free of any kind of school-work for the weekend, so they took the opportunity to finally have a night of uncontrolled drinking at Massu and Shige's shared apartment. Massu didn't like the taste of hard liquor, so he stuck with the weaker drinks. By the time midnight rolled around, everyone else were drunk, or well on their way at least. Except for Yamapi.
Massu watched as Yamapi and Ryo down another shot of tequila. Ryo soon joined Tegoshi, Koyama and Shige in their puppy pile, but not before slurring a few choice curses at Yamapi's strength with liquor. Yamapi just laughed and walked to the kitchen. He returned to the room with a glass filled ice and carefully walked around sleeping bodies, towards the sofa where Massu was sipping his third bottle of beer. He sat down beside Massu with a small nod and a smile, which Massu returned.
Massu wasn't as comfortable with Yamapi as he was with the others, but something about the night made Yamapi more approachable, warmer than his cold black eyes made him believe. So he told Yamapi about him and Ryo--about their walks, about how he liked Ryo, about how he has managed to fill two and a half sketchbooks with nothing but drawings of Ryo. Massu was half-afraid that Yamapi would be disgusted at him, being gay, and walk away, but Yamapi listened, humming quietly and nodding at appropriate places.
Even more surprising was Yamapi's response.
After Yamapi had finally succumbed to sleep, Massu remained seated at the same spot as he stared blankly in the darkness and thought of Yamapi's words.
When someone acts strong, it's only to hide the fact that they're weak. He puts on this strong front, saying that he doesn't want a relationship, but it's there because he doesn't want to get hurt. He is still wounded, bleeding. It's only fair to say he doesn't want it to happen again, not so soon. This is why I take care of him. I look at him as a younger brother, even though he's older. He knows he won't get hurt, not by me.
Hidden within those strong walls he had put up was his wish to fall in love again. It was now up to the person who loved him to break down all those defenses and make him believe again. That person had to be able to heal him, to make him whole again, put him back together, strengthen him. And someone as kind and gentle as Massu could do that, right?
--
Ryo's hand was cold, reflecting the steady drop in temperature, as Massu held it in his hand. They walked along the empty corridors of the music building. Massu was curious as to why Ryo asked him to come with him, but he didn't dare to break the comfortable silence between them.
Ryo quickly let go when people exited one of the classrooms in the corridor. This bothered Massu a bit; it was as if Ryo was ashamed to let people see them together. But then, they weren't together, not in the sense Massu wished it to be. He wanted to ask so badly, but he knew how much that would bother Ryo.
He snapped out of his reverie when Ryo stopped in front of a small, empty guitar room and pushed the door open. Ryo let Massu in before closing the door behind him. Massu took a seat as Ryo sat down on a chair across him and propped his guitar on his lap. Massu briefly wondered why Ryo had to take him to an empty classroom for this, which he could have done at his apartment.
Then Ryo started singing.
I'll show you that I can protect every element that colors you.
I'll be by your side no matter what.
I will take away every little thing that saddens you.
So my unconditional love.
Massu sat there motionless and open-mouthed. The song sounded heartfelt, full of longing. It was something that only the person who Ryo loved was allowed to hear. Was he even supposed to hear this song? Was it directed at him?
Ryo looked up from the guitar, his cheeks red and his expression shy, as he asked Massu what he thought of the song.
Massu wanted to ask if that he could consider the song to be his, but he couldn't; it would be too presumptuous, too forward. So he just opted to state the obvious: It was beautiful.
Winter
Months of watching Massu wallow around like a love-sick puppy finally made Shige snap. He grabbed Massu's newly bought sketchpad from Massu's lap and tossed it to some random place over his shoulder as he glared at Massu. It took half an hour of persuading and pep-talking to just ask Ryo if he's actually interested or he's just leading you on before Shige gave up and stomped to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Massu sat there, unmoving as he stared at the sketchpad, its bindings still intact and opened to a blank page. He wanted to tell Shige, he really did, but Shige wouldn't understand why he was so unwilling to ask. Massu was in no position to tell him the reason behind it either, just the usual reasons: we're just friends, or it's simply wishful thinking on my part, and even he's not gay.
Ryo wasn't ready to trust someone else with his heart, this much Massu understood.
Massu didn't know what he and Ryo were exactly. Were they going out? Were they be considered "together"? Did Ryo even like him? He was unwilling to destroy what little relationship they had, if one could call whatever they had a relationship, just because he wanted some reassurance about Ryo's feelings.
It was already winter--nearly a year had passed ever since Massu met Ryo that day in spring, yet Massu felt like he was the only one who actually liked the other in whatever he and Ryo had. He recalled Yamapi's and Shige's words as he picked up the sketchpad. He flipped it open to the latest sketch.
He decided that before he filled the fourth sketchpad up, he would confess.
--
There was nothing romantic about how Massu finally confessed--no romantic dinner over candlelight, no white Christmas. He just blurted it out one night on their usual way home the night before winter break started, after worrying about it all week and nearly driving Shige and Koyama (who had assumed the role of supportive big brother after Shige told him about Massu's crush) insane with his indecisiveness. His face was totally red and his grip on Ryo's hand was tight as he said "I like you" as casually as possible despite the quavering in his voice and his heart thundering in his chest
He expected Ryo to either laugh at him and outright reject him (if he read the signals wrong), or to maybe, maybe, accept his feelings and return them.
What he didn't expect was for Ryo to not say a word as he pulled his hand away from Massu's. Massu's heart clenched as he watched Ryo walk faster, further away from him.
When Massu opened the door, Shige took one look at Massu and quickly left Massu alone, for which Massu was grateful. He didn't want anyone watching him as he pulled out the sketchbooks and looked through them through his tears. He wanted to throw them out so he could let his heart heal, but he just clutched them tighter against his chest, unwilling to throw out all the emotions and that little spark of hope that resided in them.
--
Over the next days after school resumed, Ryo stood at his usual spot at the bottom of the stairs.
Massu had been successful in avoiding him for about a week, but this time, Ryo was looking up the stairs, directly at him.
Massu wanted to run away, or maybe for the ground (or the stairs) to open up and swallow him, but it was too late. Massu found himself rooted at the spot, his broken heart thundering in his chest, his whole body trembling, as he watched Ryo walk toward him. Thankfully, the stairs was crowded, and it only took a few people shoving him to get a move on for Massu to recover and hide in the (thankfully colorful) crowd, letting the rush of people sweep him away. Away from Ryo.
His heart wasn't ready to meet Ryo again.
--
Ryo managed to catch up to him on his way home. Massu wanted to walk faster, away from Ryo, but he couldn't. It felt strange, how things seemingly went back to normal, even though Massu knew that couldn't be the case after he had destroyed what little relationship they'd had.
Massu stiffened as he felt Ryo thread his fingers through Massu's, as if what happened the week before never happened.
He clutched desperately at Ryo's hand as he tried to sort through his thoughts.
What was Ryo thinking? Hadn't Ryo already rejected him, on the very same street they were walking through? But Ryo never rejected him, not explicitly.
Ryo ran away after he confessed. Yet, Ryo had waited for him at the bottom of the stairs for a week.
He was holding Massu's hand now.
Massu didn't notice that they'd arrived at the usual place they parted until Ryo stopped walking. Massu gave Ryo a shaky smile as he let Ryo's hand go. He turned and walked away from Ryo without asking the questions he sorely wanted to ask.
He'd already said his part. It was Ryo's turn.
--
As the temperature grew warmer, Massu felt calmer. His heart stopped hurting as he finally came to terms with how Ryo acted towards him, as if the raging fire inside him had mellowed down, yet continued to burn like a small warm flame. Massu still held the small hope that maybe the possibility of never meeting again would spur Ryo to talk, but he knew Ryo wasn't like that. He accepted the fact the Ryo might never do anything, and that they might part as friends. He hadn't opened his sketchbooks since he'd confessed, but he hadn't thrown them out either. He felt that maybe one day, he could show them to Ryo.
They still walked home together, and Ryo still held his hand.
Massu used to watch Ryo continue walking without looking back as soon as they reached his street, but now he too would continue walking, never looking back.
He never knew that if he had, he would've seen Ryo watching him as he walked away.
Spring
The streets turned pink as spring--the season when Massu had first met Ryo that day in the woods--arrived.
The six of them sat on a blanket Koyama stole from Shige's closet as they watched the small petals fall around them, drinking together and simply enjoying the small get-together they were having before Yamapi and Ryo's graduation. Being there and hanging out with friends filled Massu with simple joy.
Massu felt Shige nudge him. Massu smiled gently at Shige's and Koyama's worrying faces before quietly thanking Koyama for the food he had brought from his house. Massu had told them about what had happened with Ryo and his decision to not do anything about it anymore, and begged them not to worry about him or Ryo, but he knew them well enough that they still would. Even more so now, since they saw for themselves how Ryo chose to sit right next to him, close enough for their shoulders to bump. If he had never confessed, he probably would have turned beet red, probably would have acted awkwardly.
Massu felt Ryo move his hand on top of his. He looked at their hands curiously, wondering why Ryo would do this despite the presence of people all around them, yet he knew better than to interpret it as anything else but a friendly gesture.
Which was why he was surprised when Ryo stood up and pulled him away from the others, towards the more secluded part of the park.
--
They sat down side by side by the roots of a gnarled old tree, their backs against the rough trunk. Ryo still hadn't let go of Massu's hand, so Massu moved their entwined hands between them. Massu looked down at the cup he was still holding and was pleasantly surprised to see a cherry blossom petal floating on its surface--a sign of good luck--and quickly drank its contents. As he put down the cup, he glanced at Ryo and saw the other averting his eyes, from their joined hands to somewhere far away and back again, as if he were troubled by something. Massu shifted his eyes to watch the others having fun from far away as he gently gave Ryo's hand a squeeze, silently cheering him on.
Ryo whispered Massu's name, his voice slightly quavering and his hand gripping Massu's tight. Massu turned his head to look at Ryo's slightly terrified face, their noses just a few inches away from each other's. He gently smiled at Ryo with a questioning hmm?
Ryo tried opening his mouth to say something, then quickly closed it as his eyes shifted to look at something else apart from Massu's face. He started talking about how annoying Yamapi had become around him, how trying to figure out what to do after graduation was annoying, how he found a part-time job at a studio, how he wanted to study some more, and a lot of other things that Massu had and had not heard from him before. Massu smiled and made agreeing noises as he watched the other people in the park have fun and squeezed Ryo's slightly shivering and cold hand back, knowing full well that Ryo blabbered when he was nervous.
Ryo suddenly stopped talking, so Massu turned to look at him again.
Then Ryo kissed him--chaste, slightly nervous kisses that seemed to tell him things that Ryo couldn't say out loud.
Kiss. "I love you too." Kiss. "I'm sorry." Kiss. "I'm scared." Kiss. "Please don't stop loving me.
Ryo took a shuddering breath as he started to pull back, but Massu moved his hand to Ryo's quivering back, pulling them closer together, and replied in kind.
Kiss. "Thank you." Kiss. "I understand." Kiss. "I won't hurt you." Kiss. "I won't stop."
As they pulled apart, Ryo whispered I trust you into Massu's ear. Massu smiled as he pulled Ryo closer. He felt Ryo shiver under his arm when a small gust of cold wind passed by them, bringing with it the scent of flowers and new beginnings.
From: zheinpathos
Title: Drawing Circles
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: RyoMassu
Summary: Massu's sketchbooks bore witness to his confusion.
Notes: Translation of "code" from here. Title based on this video.
To rockthecliche, I'm not sure if I understood your requests correctly, but I hope you like this! ♥ Much love to the people whose real-life stories have been the inspiration for this fic and to my lovely betas. ♥
Spring
Massu thought art schools were totally overrated. As a design student in an arts school, he felt he had the right to say this, especially since he didn't see anything that made him different from other university students, at least, as far as he knew. The only thing that set him apart was his unique sense of fashion and color combinations, but being around people walking around in much stranger-looking clothes made this argument null and void. He thought that his roommate, a law student named Shige, was infinitely more interesting than him, even if Shige talked and acted like a forty-year-old man.
His string of thought broke as Massu stepped into yet another puddle of mud, worsening his already ruined favorite pair of sneakers. He swore he felt insects biting every square inch of exposed (and some unexposed) skin, and he found himself cursing his very interesting roommate again as he wandered aimlessly in the forest he'd managed to get himself lost in, the map Shige gave him crumpled and useless in his fist and his useless phone in his pocket.
He was about to give up and wait for Shige to come find him when he felt someone tap his shoulder. Hoping it was Shige, he turned, but it turned out to be a stranger. The (good looking, in Massu's opinion) stranger smiled and asked if he was ok.
By this time, Massu didn't care who it was as long as someone was willing to get him out of this hell-hole, so he asked the guy to please lead him to a place where there weren't any insects and, hopefully, a place with cell phone reception.
When the stranger smiled at him, Massu felt his face burn as he returned it.
A month, and half a sketchpad later, Massu was beating himself over the head for not asking the stranger's name back in that forest. He could only look at the sketches he had done of that man, and he couldn't tell anyone that the person in his sketches was a real person without knowing the stranger's name. Massu thought that there was no chance for him to ever meet the man again.
--
Strangely enough though, the universe (or Tegoshi) had a different idea.
Tegoshi was Massu's friend from high school, and although they'd ended up going to different universities, fate (or probably Tegoshi) hadn't wanted them to lose their friendship. Massu ended up getting into one school, and that art school was a block away from Tegoshi's, so they often met at a cafe between their schools.
One day, at the time when cherry blossoms scattered everywhere, Tegoshi arrived with two other people. One of them was Tegoshi's sempai and neighbor, Yamashita Tomohisa, who had a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and wanted to be called Yamapi. The other one was Yamashita's roommate and a music major in the same school as Massu.
His name was Nishikido Ryo. He was who Massu had been calling "The Stranger in his Sketchpad".
--
Massu learned early on that Ryo wasn't always as nice as he was back when Massu was lost in that forest.
Since then, Tegoshi always made it a point to invite Yamapi and Ryo whenever he invited Massu, Shige and Shige's best friend, Koyama, to hang out. The first time they went shopping, Ryo left in a huff after Massu spent thirty minutes trying to decide between a rainbow-colored army print pair of pants and a rainbow-colored plaid pair of shorts. Yamapi and Tegoshi ran after him, probably to explain that Massu isn't slow to annoy you, he's just really indecisive. Massu doubted that it would be enough to get rid of Ryo's irritation.
When they met up in a restaurant two hours later (Massu decided against both pairs and got a pair of cargo shorts instead), Massu still felt bad about Ryo's outburst, despite Tegoshi and Yamapi's assurance that Ryo wasn't really angry, just impatient.
When Ryo decided that he was full, Massu stared at the half-finished plate of gyoza Ryo left. He didn't know whether Ryo noticed him looking or not, but a minute later, Ryo passed the plate to the still-hungry Yamapi.
Massu didn't even acknowledge the plate Koyama slid towards him.
--
When the examination season arrived, their group outings turned into outings with just Massu and Ryo. With the others scrambling to get some serious studying done, the two art school students were left alone. They were thankful that their school gave out more practical tests or projects, but that also gave them too much time to waste.
That day, the two of them were together at a cafe while they waited for the others to crack and come out with them.
Massu still wasn't used to the smell of cigarettes, even though hung out a lot with Shige and Koyama, who were both smokers (although he supposed the two of them were nice enough to smoke far away enough for him not smell it). Ryo wasn't as considerate, so when he lit up, Massu took it as a cue for him to break away and start shopping. He was surprised Ryo offered to go with him, and even more surprised that Ryo actually put out his stick.
Even though Massu was the one to suggest they go shopping, Massu lagged behind as Ryo walked briskly in front of him. Massu didn't really want to jog after him, as he liked to walk leisurely when he shopped, but Ryo looked back to him and jerked his head--a signal that Ryo wasn't gonna wait very long for Massu. Still, Massu was surprised to see Ryo actually stop and wait for him.
When he finally caught up to Ryo, Massu felt Ryo's hand bump his hand. Massu blushed furiously, even though he knew that it probably meant nothing. He almost jumped out of his skin when he noticed Ryo move a bit closer to him. The street was nearly deserted, being a weekday, so there wasn't any reason for Ryo to move so closely. His heart was thundering in his chest, making breathing hard. He was afraid Ryo would notice his reactions, but the other said nothing.
He wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved.
Summer
Massu stopped in the middle of the stairway when he saw a familiar mop of dark hair. Leaning on the wall across the bottom of the stairs was Ryo. To say that Massu was confused would be an understatement; normally, a student standing there wouldn't be strange, but a music major like Ryo had no business in the design building. Massu assumed that maybe Ryo had a friend around the building, so he continued walking.
He was about to take a turn when he saw Ryo raise his head and meet his eyes. Ryo jerked his head, a signal Massu interpreted to mean follow me before he started to walk towards the building entrance. Massu continued to follow him wordlessly, his voice caught in his throat. They were walking outside the campus when Massu finally found his voice, asking Ryo what was going on.
Ryo answered with one word: home.
--
They continued to walk home together from then, their paths splitting only at the corner of Massu's street. They didn't talk much during these walks, and frankly, Massu didn't know what to say. It wasn't uncomfortable, but Massu kept having this urge to hold Ryo's hand until they had to go their separate ways.
But one rainy day, as they huddled under Massu's umbrella, Ryo grabbed the hand that was wrapped around the handle and intertwined their fingers. Massu felt his heart skip a beat and his face burn. No one was around to see them, but Massu couldn't help feeling nervous. What if someone they knew saw them? What was Ryo thinking? What did this mean? Did Ryo find out about his crush?
Massu found that he really didn't want to let Ryo's small hand go. He liked the feeling of holding someone's hand, and for a moment, Massu wondered if this was how it felt to hold a girl's hand. He'd never held one, not like this. Massu snuck a peek at Ryo's face--it betrayed nothing, as if Ryo always held hands with his friends, not mattering if they were a guy or a girl.
He felt Ryo's fingers slowly slip away. Massu looked up to see that the rain had stopped just as they reached Massu's street. Ryo went on without looking behind him, leaving Massu to watch him walk away in the humid summer night.
Later, Shige got home to see brushes and paints littered all over Massu's side of the apartment. His roommate was asleep on the floor, surrounded by several paintings and sketches; all the drawings had the same dark-skinned and dark-haired subject.
--
When Tegoshi suddenly burst into the apartment one day, Massu heard Shige and Koyama laugh from the living room. He vaguely listened to Tegoshi's excited voice as he moved his fingers across his "school" sketchpad, looking intently at the carefully (and "artfully") stacked books on the kitchen table.
He was concentrating so hard on his sketch that he didn't notice someone else's presence in the kitchen. When he put down his pencil to stretch his fingers, someone poked him hard in the side, causing him to squeal.
He turned to glare at his offender but stopped. Ryo and Yamapi were laughing by the counter, obviously enjoying the way Massu reacted, but Massu wasn't paying attention to that.
Ryo's carefree expression, bathed in the colors of late summer, made him want to grab his "Ryo" sketchpad (the second one) and his paints, but he was too embarrassed to let Ryo know about that. He was half-tempted to just ask Ryo to be his model, but the mere thought made him want to hide his head under the ground.
--
It soon became a normal thing to find Ryo, Yamapi, Tegoshi or Koyama randomly hanging out in Massu and Shige's room. It was ironic how a large group of college students (and one graduate student, in Koyama's case) could manage to stay quiet in one room and actually get work done. Tegoshi, Shige and Koyama usually crowded around the living room surrounded by 2-inch thick tomes and piles of notes while Yamapi usually read presentations and graphs on his laptop as he chewed on bread and sat on the floor. Ryo and Massu would stay in the kitchen as they worked, with Ryo's ears covered with sound-canceling headsets as he fiddled with something on his laptop.
Massu loved drawing during these times. Not only did the ambiance made him want to work more, but he was also given an unobstructed view of Ryo's different facial expressions as he worked.
Today, Ryo was uncharacteristically surrounded by books, his notes covering all spare surfaces of the kitchen table. Ryo looked like he was about to burst with the amount of technical terms he was forced to memorize, so Massu let him be and just propped the sketchpad on his lap.
Massu jumped when Ryo suddenly stood up and stomped towards the living room. He heard Ryo ask Shige if he could borrow his guitar for a moment. Massu assumed that Shige agreed because after a few moments, the room was filled with music. After carefully placing the sketchpad on top of Ryo's notes, taking care not to mess them up, Massu entered the living room.
The sight of Ryo concentrating on the sounds coming from Shige's well-used guitar and of the others listening to it with their eyes closed and their bodies relaxed urged Massu to grab his sketchpad, flip to a blank page and start sketching.
Autumn
Their shared umbrella couldn't protect them from the strong winds brought about by the typhoon season. Ryo unconsciously moved closer to Massu, making Massu feel warm despite the harsh wind and the rain. Yet, Massu felt the tension coming from Ryo's shoulders; it was as if Ryo was trying to stop himself from doing something.
Massu tried to be nonchalant as he put his hand on Ryo's shoulder, pulling the smaller man closer under the pretense of trying to keep Ryo as far away from the rain as possible, but Ryo quickly pushed it off. Massu watched as Ryo ran through the strong wind and the rain.
Why Ryo acted this way around him was beyond his comprehension--he was sweet the first minute, cold the next; he would drop boulder-sized hints, then say something that would completely demolish these. He wanted to believe that Ryo liked him, but he wasn't even sure if Ryo was gay.
He could just be seeing what he wanted to see.
--
Ryo's story came out of the blue, and he wasn't the one to tell it--Yamapi was.
It was a rare night with all six of them free of any kind of school-work for the weekend, so they took the opportunity to finally have a night of uncontrolled drinking at Massu and Shige's shared apartment. Massu didn't like the taste of hard liquor, so he stuck with the weaker drinks. By the time midnight rolled around, everyone else were drunk, or well on their way at least. Except for Yamapi.
Massu watched as Yamapi and Ryo down another shot of tequila. Ryo soon joined Tegoshi, Koyama and Shige in their puppy pile, but not before slurring a few choice curses at Yamapi's strength with liquor. Yamapi just laughed and walked to the kitchen. He returned to the room with a glass filled ice and carefully walked around sleeping bodies, towards the sofa where Massu was sipping his third bottle of beer. He sat down beside Massu with a small nod and a smile, which Massu returned.
Massu wasn't as comfortable with Yamapi as he was with the others, but something about the night made Yamapi more approachable, warmer than his cold black eyes made him believe. So he told Yamapi about him and Ryo--about their walks, about how he liked Ryo, about how he has managed to fill two and a half sketchbooks with nothing but drawings of Ryo. Massu was half-afraid that Yamapi would be disgusted at him, being gay, and walk away, but Yamapi listened, humming quietly and nodding at appropriate places.
Even more surprising was Yamapi's response.
After Yamapi had finally succumbed to sleep, Massu remained seated at the same spot as he stared blankly in the darkness and thought of Yamapi's words.
When someone acts strong, it's only to hide the fact that they're weak. He puts on this strong front, saying that he doesn't want a relationship, but it's there because he doesn't want to get hurt. He is still wounded, bleeding. It's only fair to say he doesn't want it to happen again, not so soon. This is why I take care of him. I look at him as a younger brother, even though he's older. He knows he won't get hurt, not by me.
Hidden within those strong walls he had put up was his wish to fall in love again. It was now up to the person who loved him to break down all those defenses and make him believe again. That person had to be able to heal him, to make him whole again, put him back together, strengthen him. And someone as kind and gentle as Massu could do that, right?
--
Ryo's hand was cold, reflecting the steady drop in temperature, as Massu held it in his hand. They walked along the empty corridors of the music building. Massu was curious as to why Ryo asked him to come with him, but he didn't dare to break the comfortable silence between them.
Ryo quickly let go when people exited one of the classrooms in the corridor. This bothered Massu a bit; it was as if Ryo was ashamed to let people see them together. But then, they weren't together, not in the sense Massu wished it to be. He wanted to ask so badly, but he knew how much that would bother Ryo.
He snapped out of his reverie when Ryo stopped in front of a small, empty guitar room and pushed the door open. Ryo let Massu in before closing the door behind him. Massu took a seat as Ryo sat down on a chair across him and propped his guitar on his lap. Massu briefly wondered why Ryo had to take him to an empty classroom for this, which he could have done at his apartment.
Then Ryo started singing.
I'll show you that I can protect every element that colors you.
I'll be by your side no matter what.
I will take away every little thing that saddens you.
So my unconditional love.
Massu sat there motionless and open-mouthed. The song sounded heartfelt, full of longing. It was something that only the person who Ryo loved was allowed to hear. Was he even supposed to hear this song? Was it directed at him?
Ryo looked up from the guitar, his cheeks red and his expression shy, as he asked Massu what he thought of the song.
Massu wanted to ask if that he could consider the song to be his, but he couldn't; it would be too presumptuous, too forward. So he just opted to state the obvious: It was beautiful.
Winter
Months of watching Massu wallow around like a love-sick puppy finally made Shige snap. He grabbed Massu's newly bought sketchpad from Massu's lap and tossed it to some random place over his shoulder as he glared at Massu. It took half an hour of persuading and pep-talking to just ask Ryo if he's actually interested or he's just leading you on before Shige gave up and stomped to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Massu sat there, unmoving as he stared at the sketchpad, its bindings still intact and opened to a blank page. He wanted to tell Shige, he really did, but Shige wouldn't understand why he was so unwilling to ask. Massu was in no position to tell him the reason behind it either, just the usual reasons: we're just friends, or it's simply wishful thinking on my part, and even he's not gay.
Ryo wasn't ready to trust someone else with his heart, this much Massu understood.
Massu didn't know what he and Ryo were exactly. Were they going out? Were they be considered "together"? Did Ryo even like him? He was unwilling to destroy what little relationship they had, if one could call whatever they had a relationship, just because he wanted some reassurance about Ryo's feelings.
It was already winter--nearly a year had passed ever since Massu met Ryo that day in spring, yet Massu felt like he was the only one who actually liked the other in whatever he and Ryo had. He recalled Yamapi's and Shige's words as he picked up the sketchpad. He flipped it open to the latest sketch.
He decided that before he filled the fourth sketchpad up, he would confess.
--
There was nothing romantic about how Massu finally confessed--no romantic dinner over candlelight, no white Christmas. He just blurted it out one night on their usual way home the night before winter break started, after worrying about it all week and nearly driving Shige and Koyama (who had assumed the role of supportive big brother after Shige told him about Massu's crush) insane with his indecisiveness. His face was totally red and his grip on Ryo's hand was tight as he said "I like you" as casually as possible despite the quavering in his voice and his heart thundering in his chest
He expected Ryo to either laugh at him and outright reject him (if he read the signals wrong), or to maybe, maybe, accept his feelings and return them.
What he didn't expect was for Ryo to not say a word as he pulled his hand away from Massu's. Massu's heart clenched as he watched Ryo walk faster, further away from him.
When Massu opened the door, Shige took one look at Massu and quickly left Massu alone, for which Massu was grateful. He didn't want anyone watching him as he pulled out the sketchbooks and looked through them through his tears. He wanted to throw them out so he could let his heart heal, but he just clutched them tighter against his chest, unwilling to throw out all the emotions and that little spark of hope that resided in them.
--
Over the next days after school resumed, Ryo stood at his usual spot at the bottom of the stairs.
Massu had been successful in avoiding him for about a week, but this time, Ryo was looking up the stairs, directly at him.
Massu wanted to run away, or maybe for the ground (or the stairs) to open up and swallow him, but it was too late. Massu found himself rooted at the spot, his broken heart thundering in his chest, his whole body trembling, as he watched Ryo walk toward him. Thankfully, the stairs was crowded, and it only took a few people shoving him to get a move on for Massu to recover and hide in the (thankfully colorful) crowd, letting the rush of people sweep him away. Away from Ryo.
His heart wasn't ready to meet Ryo again.
--
Ryo managed to catch up to him on his way home. Massu wanted to walk faster, away from Ryo, but he couldn't. It felt strange, how things seemingly went back to normal, even though Massu knew that couldn't be the case after he had destroyed what little relationship they'd had.
Massu stiffened as he felt Ryo thread his fingers through Massu's, as if what happened the week before never happened.
He clutched desperately at Ryo's hand as he tried to sort through his thoughts.
What was Ryo thinking? Hadn't Ryo already rejected him, on the very same street they were walking through? But Ryo never rejected him, not explicitly.
Ryo ran away after he confessed. Yet, Ryo had waited for him at the bottom of the stairs for a week.
He was holding Massu's hand now.
Massu didn't notice that they'd arrived at the usual place they parted until Ryo stopped walking. Massu gave Ryo a shaky smile as he let Ryo's hand go. He turned and walked away from Ryo without asking the questions he sorely wanted to ask.
He'd already said his part. It was Ryo's turn.
--
As the temperature grew warmer, Massu felt calmer. His heart stopped hurting as he finally came to terms with how Ryo acted towards him, as if the raging fire inside him had mellowed down, yet continued to burn like a small warm flame. Massu still held the small hope that maybe the possibility of never meeting again would spur Ryo to talk, but he knew Ryo wasn't like that. He accepted the fact the Ryo might never do anything, and that they might part as friends. He hadn't opened his sketchbooks since he'd confessed, but he hadn't thrown them out either. He felt that maybe one day, he could show them to Ryo.
They still walked home together, and Ryo still held his hand.
Massu used to watch Ryo continue walking without looking back as soon as they reached his street, but now he too would continue walking, never looking back.
He never knew that if he had, he would've seen Ryo watching him as he walked away.
Spring
The streets turned pink as spring--the season when Massu had first met Ryo that day in the woods--arrived.
The six of them sat on a blanket Koyama stole from Shige's closet as they watched the small petals fall around them, drinking together and simply enjoying the small get-together they were having before Yamapi and Ryo's graduation. Being there and hanging out with friends filled Massu with simple joy.
Massu felt Shige nudge him. Massu smiled gently at Shige's and Koyama's worrying faces before quietly thanking Koyama for the food he had brought from his house. Massu had told them about what had happened with Ryo and his decision to not do anything about it anymore, and begged them not to worry about him or Ryo, but he knew them well enough that they still would. Even more so now, since they saw for themselves how Ryo chose to sit right next to him, close enough for their shoulders to bump. If he had never confessed, he probably would have turned beet red, probably would have acted awkwardly.
Massu felt Ryo move his hand on top of his. He looked at their hands curiously, wondering why Ryo would do this despite the presence of people all around them, yet he knew better than to interpret it as anything else but a friendly gesture.
Which was why he was surprised when Ryo stood up and pulled him away from the others, towards the more secluded part of the park.
--
They sat down side by side by the roots of a gnarled old tree, their backs against the rough trunk. Ryo still hadn't let go of Massu's hand, so Massu moved their entwined hands between them. Massu looked down at the cup he was still holding and was pleasantly surprised to see a cherry blossom petal floating on its surface--a sign of good luck--and quickly drank its contents. As he put down the cup, he glanced at Ryo and saw the other averting his eyes, from their joined hands to somewhere far away and back again, as if he were troubled by something. Massu shifted his eyes to watch the others having fun from far away as he gently gave Ryo's hand a squeeze, silently cheering him on.
Ryo whispered Massu's name, his voice slightly quavering and his hand gripping Massu's tight. Massu turned his head to look at Ryo's slightly terrified face, their noses just a few inches away from each other's. He gently smiled at Ryo with a questioning hmm?
Ryo tried opening his mouth to say something, then quickly closed it as his eyes shifted to look at something else apart from Massu's face. He started talking about how annoying Yamapi had become around him, how trying to figure out what to do after graduation was annoying, how he found a part-time job at a studio, how he wanted to study some more, and a lot of other things that Massu had and had not heard from him before. Massu smiled and made agreeing noises as he watched the other people in the park have fun and squeezed Ryo's slightly shivering and cold hand back, knowing full well that Ryo blabbered when he was nervous.
Ryo suddenly stopped talking, so Massu turned to look at him again.
Then Ryo kissed him--chaste, slightly nervous kisses that seemed to tell him things that Ryo couldn't say out loud.
Kiss. "I love you too." Kiss. "I'm sorry." Kiss. "I'm scared." Kiss. "Please don't stop loving me.
Ryo took a shuddering breath as he started to pull back, but Massu moved his hand to Ryo's quivering back, pulling them closer together, and replied in kind.
Kiss. "Thank you." Kiss. "I understand." Kiss. "I won't hurt you." Kiss. "I won't stop."
As they pulled apart, Ryo whispered I trust you into Massu's ear. Massu smiled as he pulled Ryo closer. He felt Ryo shiver under his arm when a small gust of cold wind passed by them, bringing with it the scent of flowers and new beginnings.