Gift fic for ryogrande
Title: This Ugly Yet Beautiful World
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Koyama/Yamapi, one sided Koyama/Tegoshi
Warnings: Fragmented storyline, mentions of het, talk on sexual preferences
Summary: “What can I say, I’m a super good, super bad superman.” Yamapi might be right about that.
Notes: Enjoy, ryogrande!
For the longest time, Yamapi always shines.
He’s pretty amazing, their Yamashita Tomohisa-he runs off to Italy and gets a tan, goes up on stage and smiles, he wins hearts like he breathes oxygen.
Koyama watches, holds his hand and tells him, “I think you’re special.”
“Special how?” Yamapi asks him.
“Special like how you always amaze me,” Koyama says, meaning each and every word.
Yamapi drinks it all in, hand warm and eyes gazing at Koyama, always a distance away. “Kei-chan is too kind to me. You’re too nice to everyone,” he says. “But that’s okay, I don’t think it’d be the same if you weren’t.”
*
Koyama likes to think that Johnny gave them all a gift: each other. He’s not sure if under any other circumstance, it would have been the nine-eight-six of them. But this is where he is now, with NEWS.
He likes NEWS. Loves them, almost unconditionally.
“But that’s how it is with Kei-chan,” Yamapi says, when the subject comes around. “Koyama is like the glue that holds us together. If Ryo is the one that pushes us forward, it’s Koyama who makes sure we can all stay together. I like that about Koyama.”
He has fears that NEWS will end. Sometimes, Koyama worries that Yamapi will one day drift away and across the skies towards a bigger and brighter galaxy. But he never says it, just smiles and pours Yamapi more tear. “I like that Yamashita-kun is always so strong.”
“NEWS makes me strong,” Yamapi tells him, serious. “You make me strong.”
*
People like to say that Koyama’s full of ‘feelings’ and that he cries bucket sized tears at the littlest of things, like abandoned puppies or when Tegoshi trips over and falls flat on his face (then again, they had only just started out). Sometimes, Koyama thinks they’re right.
He cries when Yamapi returns from Italy. Alone.
“I couldn’t,” Yamapi whispers into his ear. He’s on Koyama’s doorstep, suitcase at his feet. “I just-it just didn’t. I couldn’t.”
“You’re back.”
“Don’t cry, Kei-chan.”
“I’m Koyama, I cry over everything,” Koyama insists, wiping the tears away. “I’m happy.”
“I’m back,” Yamapi echoes, arms wrapped around Koyama.
*
Boy met girl sometime in the past and the girl took him to Paris and Okinawa and Italy. The boy smiled, lets his friends talk about his gorgeous girlfriend and boy managed to break the heart of the person who will always be with him.
Koyama likes love stories. He just doesn’t like the endings. Sometimes they’re happy, sometimes they’re sad.
“We aren’t a love story,” Yamapi promises.
“We can’t be,” Koyama agrees. They sit on the pavement, Yamapi smoking and Koyama staring at the buildings and the skies. Usually, people take breaks and go to the bathroom or to the rooftops or to the cafeteria. They come to the back of the building, staring at grey pavement and how the sun is constantly blocked out by Tokyo’s skyscrapers.
“In love stories, people break up,” Yamapi muses. He leans back for a second, looking up so the daylight hits his face, the glisten of sun shines in his hair. “Break ups aren’t for us, Koyama.”
“Really?” Koyama asks, wondering why his heart flutters like little butterfly wings. “What makes you so sure?”
Yamapi smiles. “Are you worried, Koyama?”
“I always worry.”
“Maybe I’m a bad person, because I like it when you worry,” Yamapi admits sheepishly. “Because nothing would be right if you didn’t worry over things, Koyama. Because I want to be the one to fix the things that worry you.”
“Thank you,” Koyama replies.
Yamapi leans his head on Koyama’s shoulder, pointing up at a building. “I bet you, if that building moved, the sun would shine right on us. Let’s go see where the sun is shining.” He grabs Koyama by the arm, pulling him up and walking off and leaving a cigarette stub on the ground.
*
He worries that one day, fate will take Yamapi away.
Everyone knows that Yamapi’s got a great destiny, he’s the type of guy who can go further and further-the boy who used to hang around the cows in Chiba turned into the man who makes the world his stage when wearing a sequin adorned jacket.
Koyama stands in the wings, holding his breath until Yamapi comes off stage, sweaty and exhausted and saying, “I’m glad you’re watching me, Kei-chan.”
*
If someone asked him, Koyama would say, “No, I’m fine with Yamashita-kun doing what he wants. He’s a good person and responsible.” That’s what he says, each and every time.
“It’s killing you,” Shige tells him. He never intrudes, plays the role of the observant best friend but Katou Shigeaki is smarter than that. He knows when to poke and prod, when to step back and when to let Koyama come over and curl up on his sofa. “Don’t let it hurt you too much, Kei. I’d say it’s not worth it, but it’s not up to me to decide.”
“It’s nothing,” Koyama insists, denial his only defence.
“It’s whatever you want it to be. Do you think he knows?”
So does Yamapi know? Koyama never really asked. Whatever it is, they don’t define it, don’t try and interpret it so they can make it the writing on the wall.
“He’s not originally mine. And I’m not originally his.”
Shige sits down next to Koyama, surveying him carefully. “So you think it’s okay, even if he leaves because you were both alone from the start?”
“What makes you say that?”
Shige just smiles. “I’m your best friend. I just know these things. That’s my job, to know what you don’t.”
It’s a good thing too, because perhaps Shige is right.
*
“I love you.”
Yamapi looks at him, face unreadable and eyes blank.
“I’ll always love you,” Koyama tries.
*
“Would you love me in the morning?” Yamapi asks.
Koyama’s not sure if that’s the answer to his confession.
“Sometimes, people leave in the mornings,” Yamapi continues, speaking of a story he’ll never tell.
*
Yamapi does cry. He wakes up from the most horrible nightmares and calls Koyama. They speak late into the night, until the tiniest streaks of sunlight creep through the blinds and they’re too exhausted to go to work.
At work, Yamapi sleeps on the sofa in their dressing room, head in Koyama’s lap. He doesn’t wake up from bad dreams.
Koyama’s glad, stroking Yamapi’s hair and wondering if this is what guardian angels do.
*
“Can I be more selfish?” Tegoshi asks Koyama, trying to figure out how to tie a tie for their photoshoot. “Kei-chan, you wouldn't be mad, would you?” He taps Koyama on the shoulder, pointing to his tie.
“You’re always self centred, but that’s just Tegoshi.”
“My type of selfish doesn’t hurt people, Kei-chan. But sometimes, I worry that the more you look after Yamashita-kun, the less you’ll love the rest of us,” Tegoshi says, tone sombre like he’s saying goodbye. He gives Koyama a quick hug and breathes in his scent, right in the crook of his neck. “Don’t stop loving the rest of us. Stop falling in love, Kei-chan.”
“I won’t ever stop,” Koyama promises, patting Tegoshi’s hair. “We’re forever. Precious and forever,” he says.
Tegoshi looks up at him, a smile that could be one thousand watts lighting up the room. “I was lying. Don’t stop caring for Yamashita-kun.”
“You know I can’t. And you weren’t lying. But that’s okay. It’s alright if you’re scared. We’re all scared,” Koyama admits, helping Tegoshi with his tie.
“It’s a different type of scared, Kei-chan. I think Yamashita-kun will take you away from all of us. Don’t leave us, just yet.”
“It’s not like that.”
“But you want it to be,” Tegoshi says, unthinkingly.
Koyama blinks. “Yes. I do.”
For a moment, Tegoshi pouts but then the smile is back. “I guess it’s okay. It’d have to be someone special like Yamashita-kun if it’s Kei-chan. So I suppose that makes it alright.”
Because it’s Tegoshi, Koyama decides to take the leap. He pats Tegoshi on the head-habit, it’ll never die out. “So it’s okay. That it’s Yamashita-kun?” Not some girl, he fails to add. Not some girl he can settle down with and get married to.
Tegoshi studies him for a minute. “I think it’s okay. That’s what’s important, right?”
Koyama hugs Tegoshi, never so thankful for the baby boy in a man’s body.
*
Yamapi’s eating cotton candy.
“I’ll give you half if you shut up and don't tell anyone,” Yamapi promises, holding out the plastic bag of pink confectionary.
“Why would I tell?” Koyama wonders, tearing off a piece and letting it melt on his tongue.
“I don’t know. I was eating chocolate once, Ryo-chan ran around and told Jin and then I had no more chocolate. They took away my chocolate. And ate it. Without me.”
“I’ll keep it a secret then,” Koyama laughs.
“You’re the best, you know that?” Yamapi murmurs.
“Really?”
Yamapi’s smile is honest, reaches his eyes this time. “Yes. Of course. You really are the best.”
*
“Hey, has anyone seen my cotton candy?” Massu asks.
Koyama gapes at Yamapi who makes a ‘shh’ motion with his finger.
“Maybe the fairies wanted their floss back,” Yamapi says with the straightest face possibly.
“I assisted your crime,” Koyama hisses to Yamapi, slightly dismayed. “Really, how could you.”
“I wanted fairy floss, I’ll buy him gyoza later.”
“You’re not a very good guy,” Koyama tells Yamapi.
Yamapi winks. “Really now.”
*
Koyama ends up buying the gyoza. He buys everyone gyoza and they eat lots of gyoza and he looks on as Tegoshi and Massu talk about their plans for their tour, how KoyaShige should make a guest appearance-
“Yamashita-kun and Nishikido-kun, you both should come if you have time,” Massu adds because Tegoshi is far too busy helping Ryo shove gyoza into Shige’s mouth.
“We should, yeah,” Yamapi agrees. “We’re really proud of you guys.”
“RyoPi and KoyaShige guest appearances, it has to go into the DVD so we get a cut,” Shige insists before Ryo shoves one more gyoza into his mouth. “Mphf!”
“What was that, are you trying to say something, Shige?” Ryo snickers.
“Mmphf mmph mpf!”
“Please stop stuffing food into my mouth,” Koyama translates.
They play party games later, because this is probably a chance to celebrate. Party games that are like-
“Who the fuck plays Pin the Horn on the Unicorn?” Ryo snaps as he wanders around the room, blindfolded with a paper unicorn horn in his hand. “Where am I going? Someone help me!”
“Go forward,” Yamapi calls out.
Ryo promptly walks right into the wall.
*
“You’re a pretty bad guy,” Koyama says to Yamapi, when they’re cleaning up and Ryo is yelling at Shige to take down the tinsel they stuck up-to make the room festive and fun because it's a celebration (actually, that was Koyama’s idea).
“What can I say, I’m a super good, super bad superman,” Yamapi laughs.
“I like that,” Koyama blurts out unthinkingly. But that doesn’t seem to really have any impact-the remind of his confession makes him wince and turn his back to Yamapi so he can take the paper unicorn off the wall.
“It’s good you do,” Yamapi says quietly.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask you why?” Koyama murmurs, looking at the unicorn that Tegoshi drew. It’s a terribly ugly unicorn and there’re only two horns on it and none of those horns are on the head. Massu’s is stuck on one of the front legs and Yamapi’s is stuck on the unicorn butt. Koyama’s is on the edge of the paper.
“I like that you like me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, but I guess that’s alright,” Koyama laughs. He hands Yamapi the unicorn drawing. “Want to keep it? It’s Tegoshi’s masterpiece!”
“I might, actually. It’s a game that you came up with, after all.”
Koyama’s heart races like horses at the derby.
*
“You told him.”
Koyama stares at Shige, the ramen noodles slipping from his chopsticks. “How do you know these things?”
“Because you let Nishikido-kun kiss the wall and let me get force fed. You told him.”
“Are you sure you aren’t psychic, Shige?”
“If I were, you’d work it into the next KoyaShige routine, wouldn’t you?” Shige says seriously.
Koyama nods.
He groans. “No, Koyama. I am not psychic. But you did tell him.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“I don’t know.”
Shige pays for ramen that night.
*
“Do you think I shouldn’t have told him, Shige?”
“I wouldn’t know. I’m not an expert on this type of stuff.”
“It’d help,” Koyama muses, “if people came along with handbooks. Maybe that way, I wouldn’t have to wonder if I said the wrong thing. Or if I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Well, the world would probably be less crazy.”
No, Koyama thinks. The world will always be crazy. He doesn’t mind it that way. He remembers talking to Yamapi about it once, their beautiful and crazy lives filled with studios and flashing lights. Koyama remembers Yamapi leaning close, saying that he once thought of leaving but something pulled him back.
“I don’t think it’d be the same, if the world weren’t crazy. It wouldn’t be exciting, would it?” Shige mutters.
“I don’t really get it, but sure,” Koyama agrees.
*
“Because there’d be no colour in life,” Yamapi says simply. He answers what Shige can’t and sits in Koyama’s genkan, head in his hands. “I drank too much. Jin called a drinking game. Shots. Lots of them.” He’s smiling, though it’s a bit tired and weakened from a night out.
“And who won?” Koyama prods, helping Yamapi with his shoes.
“Jin. Ryo was knocked out before I was-I mean, don’t tell him I said this, but he’s kind of tiny.”
“Want me to draw you a bath?”
“Later. Just sit with me?” Yamapi requests softly. “I wouldn’t mind if we just sat down for a bit.”
So they sit. Yamapi’s fingers trace into the wooden floorboards, head hung low and hair flopping and dishevelled. Although, there’s nothing tense about him so that’s perhaps a good thing.
“If there’s no life or colour in this world, then I don’t know what I’d do,” he confesses quietly. “I don’t know what I’d do if I weren’t me.”
Koyama waits for him to continue.
“I think things could have been so different,” he says nothing but implies absolutely everything, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “I think if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be here.” With you, perhaps. With the same people. Yamapi gives nothing away.
“You shouldn’t regret. Life is too short for things like that,” Koyama says softly.
“It’s not regret, Kei.” Yamapi props his chin onto Koyama’s shoulder, blows softly onto his cheek so warm breath hits him. “It’s just that I’ve done things in life far too early and the things I wish to do, it’s far too late.”
“You know, it’s strange. Because I’m older than you, but I’ve always thought that you were able to do so much. You’re Yamapi, I think I believe in you a lot more than I care to admit. I think we all do.”
“Pressure,” Yamapi laughs.
“I’ll catch you if you trip over.”
“Then maybe I might want to fall.”
Koyama’s not quite sure if that’s a confession.
*
“I think I made the choice myself; become an idol, reach for greater heights, be Yamapi.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“I don’t know why I chose it. Sometimes, I think I do. Sometimes I don’t.”
*
On some occasions, Koyama just wants to keep Yamapi to himself. He wants to tell the world that Tomohisa isn’t available and they can cope with it. The world can keep spinning on its axis without Yamashita Tomohisa.
“I wouldn’t mind, you know,” Yamapi says. He crawls into bed right next to Koyama. “I think the world could cope without Koyama Keiichirou.”
“And you, do you think you can cope without me?”
“No. I can’t,” Tomohisa tells him before they fall asleep.
*
Catch me, Koyama wants to tell him.
Are you falling even harder, Yamapi’s smile asks him.
*
Massu is pretty simple. Actually, it’s more like Massu just hands Koyama some fairy floss and points Koyama to Yamapi.
“Oh and, tell him stealing is bad.”
“Thank you,” Koyama says, blinking.
“You know, we’ve always been a family. I think it’d be good,” Massu says, shrugging. He doesn’t go into specifications-maybe Tegoshi told him or perhaps he guessed. Or maybe Massu’s always known and doesn’t mind.
“I hope it’ll be good. Not everyone will see it as good.”
“You’re one of the best people anyone could ever know, Kei-chan. I don’t think it matters if anyone else says it isn’t good.”
“Even if I let Yamashita-kun steal your fairy floss?”
“Mmhm.”
*
If he asks Yamapi, ‘how is she’ then Koyama thinks that everything would fall apart. They don’t talk about her. He doesn’t even know about Paris or Italy or Okinawa or even why.
He wants to ask though. Why.
“Because she’s hot, because Pi’s an idiot and you’re equally as stupid,” Ryo says flatly, right to Koyama’s face over beer and yakisoba. “Get it together already. I don’t have time between Kanjani and caring about you idiots and my drama to worry about this. I need to sleep, you know.”
“I’m so touched that Ryo-chan is worried about us,” Koyama teases.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You have no idea how much of a pain in the ass Pi is when he’s all ‘oh, woe is me for being so fabulously Yamapeen-ish with someone who cares for me and people adoring me and yet I can’t get over whatever’s plaguing my mind at night so I call Ryo and ask him for help and then whine when Ryo hangs up’,” Ryo snaps.
Koyama stares.
“You. Have. No. Idea.”
“Uh.”
“YOU HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY?” Ryo says rather hysterically, voice going up several octaves as he turns to look at Koyama with the crazed expression of a serial killer. “YOU REALLY DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?”
“Ryo-chan, people are staring.”
“For the love of everything cute and sweet on this earth, I hope that you two figure it out. Seriously. I can’t stand one more ‘Oh Ryo-chan, my life is ever so hard, I am the Yamapeen and I can’t decide what to do with myself’ conversation. Okay, and don’t forget that I also have to listen to Jin worrying about Pi. Do I look like an Agony Aunt? That’s meant to be your job, Koyama!”
“It can’t be that bad.”
“Yes. It is. I think that’s why Jin decided that going to Europe was a fantastic idea. I probably should have joined him. I make a great samurai.”
Koyama laughs and orders them more yakisoba. “You’re a good friend, Ryo-chan.”
“I know. So be a good friend in return and fix Pi!”
*
Yamapi’s probably a bit broken.
Koyama thinks it’s okay because nobody’s perfect and he thinks that it’d be good if he can be the missing parts that Yamapi’s lost.
He wants to bring Yamapi to places where they can see the autumn sky and the wind carries their winds far out to the oceans. It’d be possible, maybe in a few years or in another lifetime but Koyama wants to see Yamapi stretch and laugh so loud in a place no one can judge them.
“If you took me somewhere, I want it to be where the moon is. That’s where the stars and clouds are. That’s where you are,” Tomohisa says to him. He’s lying on his back, on the jimusho rooftop and staring up at the blue skies. No cigarette, no can of coffee. Just lying there, almost at peace.
“How far away is that?” Koyama asks, lying down so he can prop his head on Yamapi’s stomach.
“I don’t know. We’d have to be pretty brave.”
It’s their final frontier, a secret wish and Koyama smiles. “Yeah, we would. Are you that brave?”
“You make me brave.”
*
It’s easier to recognise when Yamapi smiles because it’s scripted or when the cameras are rolling or when he’s actually smiling because he’s happy and his heart wants to soar.
Koyama feels it, the happiness radiating and starts smiling himself.
Shige casts him knowing looks and then asks Ryo why is he scowling like that because Shige, unlike Ryo, knows how to be subtle.
*
“Are you S or M?”
“What?” Koyama asks, confused.
Yamapi stirs the soup in the pot, staring at it. “Hey, more salt or less?”
“More, you barely added enough. What do you mean S or M?”
“Do you want to be in heaven or hell? Would you rather sadistic love or some sort of sweet chain?”
“Yamashita-kun-”
“I’m serious. What are you, Koyama?” He adds another pinch of salt. “Taste this, will you?”
It’s a bit bland. “I don't know, what do you think I am?”
“I think only a masochist could love like you do.” Yamapi adds more salt. “Maybe I’m a little bit S. It’d make sense, wouldn’t it?”
*
It hurts, Koyama’s kindness whispers.
Yamapi’s soft glances and acceptance just smiles and binds them closer, promising he won’t let go.
*
Tegoshi’s pretty unaware of personal space. He’s also unaware of a lot of things, far too aware of everything else and perhaps the worst part is that he likes to play dumb. Or maybe that’s a weapon.
He loops arms around Koyama, smiling and waiting for an offer for lunch, a lift home, something kind and generous.
Koyama tries to look over at Yamapi, tries to say sorry-they know that Tegoshi has a blonde or a brunette, someone cute waiting for him, waiting to baby him and let him cuddle up to them. And yet, it happens. This happens.
“Tegoshi,” Koyama says gently.
“You told him, didn’t you?” Tegoshi murmurs, so quietly and intimately into Koyama’s ear. “Don’t be mad, Massu guessed. We talked about it.” He presses his nose right onto Koyama’s cheek, laughing softly. “Oh Kei-chan. I just want you to be happy because you make everyone else happy.”
Funnily, it’s nice. Hugging Tegoshi is like clinging to a hot water bottle on a rainy night.
“If I were a girl, would you love me?” Tegoshi asks, almost serious.
Koyama can't help but chuckle, smoothing out Tegoshi’s hair. “Where’s this coming from?”
“Please love him properly, before you forget to love the rest of us. I’m selfish but I’m trying to help.”
Koyama smiles, hugging Tegoshi once more. “I wish it worked like that, Nyan.”
*
He doesn’t recall ever fighting with Yamapi over anything. Not even when they’re stressed for live concerts, when Yamapi forgets to tidy up his side of the dressing room or he keeps forgetting to pack underwear in his luggage and Koyama always ends up buying him underwear from the conbini-he doesn’t really recall them arguing. Ever.
Maybe they should fight over this.
There’s something worth fighting for, after all.
Still. He should ask Yamapi one day, why her? Why someone else, why not-
“Stop thinking about it, it’ll just manifest and you’ll explode and then I have to listen to Shige complain about cleaning little pieces of Koyama off the walls and floors,” Ryo insists.
“I’m not thinking about it.”
“Yes and Sousuke was a friendly, young man who handed out lollipops.”
“He gave a little boy bread.”
“For fuck’s sake, Koyama.”
“Have you been talking to Shige about this?”
“Yes. And for once, he’s not completely off base and stupid!”
“Shige isn’t stupid. He graduated with a law degree.”
“Yes and I’m in two bands. Your point?”
Koyama stammers and just pokes Ryo in the sides. “Ryo-chan.”
“Why the hell are you two so-urgh, I hate this. You two are just going to end up confused and sad until you just, argh! Sort it out and when you two are happy together, I can say I told you so!”
It’s caught in his throat but somehow; the words pry themselves out of Koyama’s mouth, “But what about her?”
“What about everyone else, what about the other girls he’s seen, the other boys who’s confused him-what about the time he tripped and kissed Jin because they fell to the floor? What about when Yu and him decided to test out what type of kisses look great on camera-why the fuck would it matter, Koyama?”
“Because,” Koyama tries. “It matters.”
“To who? You? Him?”
“No, just-”
“Then fuck it,” Ryo snaps. “God, this is why you don’t talk to Shige about this. He’ll logic his way through your problems and you’ll still be stuck.”
“And I presume you have a better solution?” Koyama says weakly.
“YES, SCREW HIS BRAINS OUT,” Ryo explodes.
Koyama stares.
“Well, you could start with uh, asking him what he wants as well,” Ryo amends. “That could work.”
*
There has to be a way to either deal with it or get over it.
He said it, he said those three words and-
“If we were on the wing of goodbye, would you fly first or would I?” Yamapi asks him.
They’re lying side by side in bed; Yamapi’s face barely inches apart from Koyama’s. It’s late, it’s dark, it’s just the two of them being stuck in whatever god forsaken limbo kindness and affection threw them into so long ago.
“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“Every time one of us cried, we held each other. Did you know that?”
“That makes us sound like girls.”
“Guys are allowed to cry. Only in front of important people, but don’t tell anyone I told you that,” Yamapi adds, face dead serious. “I’ve cried on national television.”
“In front of a friend who meant a lot to you,” Koyama says gently.
“I don’t think I’d like it if either of us say goodbye,” Yamapi says aloud, touching his fingers to Koyama’s face. “I don’t know what’d happen.”
“What’s making you think about that?”
“I had a choice, so long ago to be stuck in monotony for the rest of my life but I chose not to. I think I’m a stupid liar, Koyama. I think I’m controlled by this life, but I wouldn’t be able to live without this. I chose this life because there’s something in it, there’s colour, there’s fun, there’s you. If not, I’d just be bored and stuck and stagnant. I don’t know how I’d live with that.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re sticking around,” Koyama tells Yamapi, not sure if he should move any closer.
“You have no idea, Kei. Everything would change if you weren’t there.”
How?
“You know, the moon we see in Japan is the same moon I saw in Europe.”
“Well, there’s only one moon.”
“A million stars, a million clouds, hundreds of millions of people. If we’re one in a million, then there must be a few more like us.”
Koyama likes it, when Yamapi’s a dreamer, when Yamapi starts living and taking peeks at hope and fantasy.
“Yes, there are,” Koyama agrees.
“I guess it’s pretty good I know you first, huh,” Yamapi murmurs. “Goodnight, Kei-chan.”
*
“I know you’re the guy who cares so damn much about every single thing on the planet, but this is to the extreme. Are you a masochist?” Shige exclaims.
“He asked me the same thing.”
“Oh, gross.”
“Not like that! Just. Am I?”
“Well, if you’re still stuck in this whatever the hell relationship that’s clearly not a relationship because even I don’t know what to say.”
“Oh, Ryo-chan had suggestions.”
“Of course he did,” Shige says rather murderously under his breath. He pulls a book out of his bookshelf, flicking through it impatiently. It’s some fiction book, some book that everyone else would find too hard because Shige seems to appreciate more than simplicity. Shige’s pretty interesting, to be quite honest. “So. What did he say?”
“Yamapi?”
“No. Nishikido.”
“Uh, something about-”
“He said to screw yourselves to happiness, didn’t he?”
“Ah. Uhm.”
Shige rolls his eyes, continuing with his book. Last week, he was reading Norwegian Wood. Now it’s Lolita. “That might work for the Nishikidos of the world, but you don’t need to go along with what he tells you. But doing what you do clearly isn’t working. I don’t know how to help.”
Koyama sighs. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”
“Oh Keiichirou,” Shige says sympathetically.
“I know.”
*
Massu buys him chocolate and sighs. “Food doesn’t help. But this might cheer you up.”
“Is it possible to be so hopelessly devoted?” Koyama asks, sighing. “Maybe I’m silly.”
“You aren’t silly,” Massu says firmly. “You’re just a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and Yamashita-kun just doesn’t know how to look after it properly.”
“He doesn’t seem like the type.”
“They never do,’ Massu murmurs.
*
“Massu?” Yamapi guesses.
Koyama just ‘mm’s, moves over on the couch and breaks off a small bit, offering it to him. “You going to tell on me?” he teases.
“No.” Yamapi leans close, takes the chocolate from Koyama’s fingers with his mouth, tongue darting out to lick at the fingers.
Koyama jolts away, stares and stares and stares.
“That’s great chocolate.”
“Uhm, sure.”
*
Shige looks ready to have an aneurism. “He ate the chocolate out of your hand and you didn’t think to say, HEY ABOUT THE TIME I TOLD YOU LOVED YOU, DO YOU LOVE ME BACK?”
“It’s not like that,” Koyama insists. “Maybe things are meant to be like this.”
“But is that what you want?” Shige presses. “You know, you’re the type of person who gives away parts of you until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to see nothing left of you.”
“I’m fine,” Koyama protests.
Shige shoots him a very unimpressed stare. “Have you talked to Tegoshi?”
“Why?”
“Well, he’s good at this type of stuff, getting what he wants. But I think this is the one thing he’s losing.”
*
Tegoshi’s confession is in front of everyone, unsubtle and demanding, “I’d take you away from him, you know.”
Yamapi looks up from where he’s packing up his things, Shige drops the drink he’s holding and Massu just gapes. Ryo looks ready to cut someone because it’s probably adding to his laundry list to things to worry about.
“Tegoshi,” Koyama starts gently.
“I would. Kei-chan loves us all but sometimes, it’s divided. Stop dividing it. Love me. Choose me.” Tegoshi’s stubborn-his affection, his determination, its hot and warm like the sun’s flames.
“Isn’t that selfish?” Yamapi asks lightly.
“We’re all selfish. I’m just willing to admit it,” Tegoshi says plainly.
“You’re not being fair to Koyama,” and it’s like Yamapi’s trying to put down his foot as Leader, pull out the red card that he usually keeps hidden.
“Is this about Kei-chan or you, Yamashita-kun?”
Cold fury radiates from Yamapi-no one dares to move a muscle as he looks at Tegoshi, jaw clenched and hand slowly curling and uncurling.
“Let’s go,” he says to Koyama.
“Yamapi-”
“I said. Let’s. Go.”
*
His nails are biting into Koyama’s wrist, dragging them to the bus, to the train, a hat over his head and Yamapi’s hunched over on the train seat, saying nothing and refusing to even look at Koyama.
Koyama stands in front of him, gripping onto the handle above him.
“Would you choose him?” Yamapi finally asks.
“Didn’t you drive today?”
“He asked you to choose him. Would you?”
“Your car-”
“If I asked you to choose me, would you choose me?”
*
“You said you loved me.”
“Love. I still do.”
“So, choose me.”
*
“I can’t.”
*
Yamapi pushes him into the house, slams the door behind them and pulls Koyama close by his shirt collar.
“Love me then. Take me then. Give yourself to me if you love me,” Yamapi demands. Their mouths collide in a searing kiss, Yamapi shoving them right against the wooden door so hard that Koyama’s head smacks it with light thud. “Because you have no idea how much I need you.”
“You don’t tell me,” Koyama protests.
Yamapi pauses, just that little bit away from a kiss, only enough to make conversation. “I can’t,” he mocks. He’s a pretty bad guy.
They kiss, Yamapi’s fingers raking through Koyama’s hair and Koyama’s arms pulling him closer by the waist. It’s not soft affection but it’s all desperation and demand.
Koyama thinks that he can taste the sleepless nights, the confusion-he’s falling hard, Yamapi’s mouth on his and a firm body in his hands. He wonders what it’d be like, slipping his fingers under Yamapi’s t-shirt to touch warm skin.
He thinks of Yamapi putting claims all over him, Yamapi’s icy cold anger at Tegoshi, Yamapi, Yamapi, Yamapi.
“If I hadn’t said anything, what would you have told him?” Yamapi asks, taking Koyama’s face in his hands. “Would you have let it happen, let him get what he wants?” He doesn’t say Tegoshi’s name, eyes full of confusion, dark with arousal. “If I had done this earlier, would you have told him no right away?” He kisses Koyama, firm and rakes his teeth over Koyama’s lower lip.
No. I would have given you anything you wanted. Anything.
“Anything?”
“I said that out loud?” Koyama murmurs. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise to me.” And it’s another hot kiss with tongue and teeth and Yamapi unbuckling his pants. “Don’t apologise for something you don’t understand.”
Koyama’s hand grabs Yamapi’s, stilling all motions of zippers coming undone and their eyes meet. For a second, Koyama has him. Then he loses Yamapi to the rest of the world.
“Why are you stopping me?”
“Not like this.”
Yamapi steps back, tossing his head, agitated and almost like a caged lion. “What the hell?”
“Pi-”
“Do not. Try and reject me. Don’t.”
“Yamapi-”
“What the hell not?” he asks, tore up and crazy. “Why stop me, isn’t this what you want? What I want?”
“Why are you questioning even yourself?” Koyama replies simply.
“Because whenever my world shook, you never moved. You always have the answers. Please, answer me now.”
“Not like this,” Koyama repeats, wondering if he can hear a heart break.
“Get out.”
“Tomohisa.”
“I said, get out!”
*
Shige makes them tea. It’s strange, because once a girl from university turned him down and it was Koyama who made them tea and poured crackers into a bowl. Shige heats up leftover curry rice, sits them down in front of the television and puts on a movie.
“But.”
Shige looks at Koyama, confused.
“I still love him.”
*
To make matters worse, Ryo is livid. He refuses to talk to anyone but Massu because “Massu isn’t a stupid idiot, you hear that Pi? Massu isn’t a stupid idiot like you and I hope you know you’re a stupid idiot.” Ryo is not very helpful.
Unfortunately for Ryo, Massu doesn’t want to play along and he buys everyone bento and candy. He has Shige sit with Tegoshi, Yamapi sit with Ryo and Massu happily eats lunch with Koyama. Thinking about it, Massu’s probably better at this than any of them.
“It’s not your fault that you’re lovable,” Massu says comfortingly to Koyama.
“IT’S HIS FAULT FOR BEING A STUPID IDIOT,” Ryo scowls from where he’s eavesdropping.
“Nishikido-kun will shut up now.”
“Nishikido-kun is not going to shut up!”
“Do you hear that, Kei-chan? I think the wind is billowing very strong today,” Massu says firmly.
And for some reason, Koyama can’t help but laugh and bury his face into Massu’s strong shoulders.
*
“He broke it off in Italy, you know,” Ryo tells Koyama before they go home. “With her. He broke it off and told me that he wanted to be a better person.”
“I don’t understand, Ryo-chan.”
“Of course you don’t understand. You’re both stupid idiots. God.”
*
It takes Yamapi exactly one day before he asks Koyama, right in front of everyone, “Do you like boys or do you just love me?”
“I love you,” Koyama says, wondering why everyone else needs to hear this.
“I like how you looked at me. You made me think I could be someone worthwhile. Like I wanted to try to be that someone.”
“You always have.”
“I wanted to be someone to you. I still do.”
Yamapi leaves before anyone can answer and it’s Shige who decides to speak up.
“Wow.”
“I am surrounded by idiots,” Ryo groans.
*
Tegoshi follows Koyama home, despite Massu’s sighs and cajoling and Shige and Ryo’s offers to buy him dinner. He follows Koyama, sits in his car, fiddles with the radio and then gives up, listening to his iPod. He stops, talks about soccer, asks Koyama can he play with Nyanta and then when they get home, leaves his shoes lying around the genkan and pesters Koyama all whilst he cooks dinner.
“There’s different types of love in this world,” Tegoshi says after dinner when he’s got Nyanta in his lap. They’re drinking hot chocolate together and Tegoshi is hugging Koyama’s cat like Nyanta has all the answers to their problems.
Nyanta meows, nuzzling Tegoshi happily.
“Tegoshi, I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this.”
“Kei-chan, you’re the most amazing person in this world. You make everyone around you want to be a better person. Don’t ever change. Nothing would be the same if Kei-chan weren’t here.”
Tegoshi plops Nyanta into Koyama’s lap.
“Tegoshi?”
“Yes, Kei-chan?”
“Do you like boys or is it that you just like me?”
“I like Kei-chan.”
It’s a stunning echo of the conversation he had with Yamapi. But thinking about it, it’s different. Koyama thinks Tegoshi’s right. There are different types of love in the world. “Thank you,” Koyama says, smiling. “For what it’s worth, I do love you. But not in the way you want me to.”
“If Yamashita-kun doesn’t do anything, maybe in a few years, I’m going to come chasing after you. I’ll be more grown up so if that time comes, please take me seriously.”
“I’ll wait for you to grow up then,” Koyama promises.
“You don’t have a choice,” Tegoshi laughs. “I won’t let you have that choice.”
*
“Why do you love me?” he asks Tegoshi.
*
“Because you make me want to be a better person,” Yamapi tells him.
“So why her?”
“Because I don’t know,” Yamapi admits. “I think it wasn’t fair to her.”
Koyama thinks of the times he had a girlfriend, of when he had crushes on the girl in school who sat next to him and wore sweet, floral perfume. That was just hopeless infatuation. And it wasn’t ever fair because they broke apart because they grew up. They were just kids.
And-
“It wasn’t right with her,” Yamapi says.
“So what happens if one day, it’s not right with you or not right with me?”
“I don’t know. I never thought of all that. Did you?”
Koyama doesn’t say anything.
“Did you ever think we were possible?”
“I used to think we were impossible because sometimes, I didn’t know,” Koyama admits.
“Didn’t you know, Kei-chan? Impossible is wrong because it’s the fact that ‘I’m possible’ exists.”
*
They still sometimes hold hands.
At one point, Yamapi just grabs onto Koyama’s shirtsleeve and walks down to the carpark, clinging to Koyama’s shirtsleeve like a kid.
He’s a bit cute like that.
*
Koyama worries that he stung Yamapi with rejection, that Yamapi’s starting to falter when it comes to believe that when Koyama said always, Koyama really does mean always. But still, Koyama knows better. He thinks that sometimes it’s better to let it be.
“Why did you stop me?” Yamapi finally asks, trying to act casual but shifts around like he’s got ants in his pants. This is him, acting.
“Because I just couldn’t. It didn’t, I couldn’t-”
Yamapi’s mouth covers his, never mind they’re in his kitchen, that he’s backed Koyama up so Koyama’s smack bang against the counter.
The kiss is desperate, hot and downright consuming-Yamapi takes Koyama’s face into his hands, pressing a chaste kiss to the tip of Koyama’s nose, stroking Koyama’s lips with a thumb before they kiss again, full of scandal and promise.
“You can,” Yamapi whispers. “With me, you can.”
“With you,” Koyama repeats-he wets his lower lip, a small self conscious lick that Yamapi watches with dark eyes, “I can, with you,” he says slowly, knowing exactly where this is going.
Slowly, Koyama’s hand trails one slow line down Yamapi’s chest and to the hem of his shirt.
This is the hardest part, the bit where Yamapi watches and Koyama hesitates and then, everything shatters like glass when Yamapi pushes Koyama flat onto the kitchen counter and goes straight for the throat. Yamapi would make a fantastic serial killer.
Teeth rake over tanned skin and then Koyama’s the one who hitches up Yamapi’s t-shirt, hands immediately working soft patterns into the taunt muscles of his back-they’re fucking wound up, Yamapi’s entire body flexing as he tries to get close, the two of them trying to find a deep, sweet friction.
It’s a rush of heat and Yamapi rubbing and grinding and the two of them gasping and licking and kissing and then, it’s more than clear.
“No. Not like this,” Koyama says once more.
“Why not? Why the hell not?” Yamapi mutters, lip curling in irritation. “Why, Koyama?”
For some reason, it’s almost cute that Yamapi sulks. Maybe because Yamapi’s the last person on the earth to expect things to be given to him. But maybe this is it, the one thing that’ll elude him.
Koyama’s not sure why, but he might stick to that. The eluding, that is.
“I’ll go,” Koyama says quietly, sitting up and pushing Yamapi back slowly.
“You should,” Yamapi mumbles.
“Tomo.”
“What?”
“I do love you.”
“I know. Just in whatever way it is,” Yamapi sighs. “In this way that’s all drawn out and screwing us into the wall.”
“Something like that,” Koyama agrees.
*
And it’s no surprise that Ryo drags Yamapi and Koyama out of the meeting room, just to yell at them and hurl abuse like, “you stupid fucking idiots, why can’t you just sort this out, I’m going to have a cardiac arrest, dealing with Pi’s late night whining and oh my god, I have a drama and then there’s always Kanjani saying something about okonomiyaki in Tokyo giving them indigestion, I do not have time for this!”
Koyama tries to calm him down, puts a hand on Ryo’s shoulder, only for it to be smacked away. “Ryo-chan, we appreciate your concern, really.”
“CONCERN? I’M SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS THAT MY STOCKS ARE FLYING SO HIGH THAT I’M A FUCKING WALL STREETER.”
Massu pokes his head out of the room. “Nishikido-kun, if you want to yell, please do it somewhere else.”
Yamapi just looks rather unmoved. “It’s not my fault.”
“It’s not,” Koyama agrees. “I stopped him.”
“Yes, he stopped me.”
“DO YOU NOT HAVE HORMONES?” Ryo roars at Koyama, eyes wild and crazy.
“He kissed back,” Yamapi says, not that it helps.
“Then what’s the problem?” Tegoshi asks, popping his head out of the room as well. “Kei-chan loves me but not like how he loves you.”
“Not helping, Tegoshi,” Ryo says through gritted teeth.
“I do love him,” Koyama confirms.
“And he likes you,” Shige points out, also sticking his head out of the room.
To be quite honest, it’s quite ridiculous with Koyama, Yamapi and Ryo in a hallway, Massu, Tegoshi and Shige all with their bodies and heads half out of the room.
“Yes, I do,” Yamapi says quietly.
“SO? WHY ARE YOU TWO NOT FUCKING LIKE BUNNIES ON SPEED? WHY MUST YOU TWO MAKE IT SO STUPID AND FULL OF FEELING AND LOVE AND EMOTION, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THE ENTIRE KLEENEX THING, JUST USE ONCE THEN THROW AWAY?” Ryo explodes.
“Because, we just couldn’t,” Yamapi sighs.
“We really couldn't,” Koyama agrees.
*
You’re the only one I love like this, Koyama thinks.
Yamapi waits for him, breath caught and yearning.
*
When they’re having lunch, Ryo picks up his phone and growls, “I’ve given up, I’m going to the new N in KAT-TUN and there’s nothing you can do to help Kamenashi from stopping me. I’m serious.” He then shoves the phone to Yamapi.
“Hey,” Yamapi laughs.
Koyama looks on curious. In the background, Tegoshi makes a face, Massu shakes his head and Shige rolls his eyes.
Whoever said that NEWS knows no such thing as coordination?
“No. What-hey, no! No, no-what? No. Yes? Oh, that sounds cool. Oh, no. Yes. Hold on, but what if you go commando? Oh? Really? I’ll send you some. Hm. Maybe, but only if you scream “FIRE FIRE” but then again, people might call you a public disturbance. Yes, I know. How? Oh, seriously?”
Ryo mouths, “Jin,” at Koyama before miming a gagging motion.
“Koyama? Yeah, he’s here, right next to me. Oh, okay.” Yamapi takes a moment to smile at Koyama. “Jin wants to say hi, here.” He hands Koyama the phone, turning to look at Ryo who’s practically one step away from breathing fire or making like Godzilla and destroying Tokyo. “What?”
“Stupid idiot,” Ryo hisses.
“Hello,” Akanishi Jin drawls into the phone, trying very hard not to laugh. “How are you, Koyama?”
“Good, thank you. How is Akanishi-kun? Working hard? Good luck on your US debut. How was Europe?”
“Great. They overcook their steaks in London though, but that could be personal preference,” Jin muses. “But speaking of personal preferences,” he says slyly, he’s probably smiling over there in LA. “What are yours, Koyama?”
“Oh, I’m a cat person,” Koyama jokes.
“Really? Well, I won’t hold it against you,” Jin laughs. “What I will hold against you is that I have to listen to Ryo-chan’s insane rants, which by the way are very long and angry. Half the time, he leaves my ears ringing.”
“He tends to do that,” Koyama agrees.
“I KNOW YOU TWO ARE TALKING ABOUT ME, I DO NOT LIKE IT,” Ryo fumes.
“Is he hopping up and down and about to throw something?”
“Yep,” Koyama confirms.
Jin chuckles. “Damn, he really might try and be the N in KAT-TUN. I probably should warn Kame.”
“But, having Nakamaru-kun would be such fun, it’ll be like Shounen Club all over again.”
“You don’t get it, I’ll be on the other side of the world when World War III erupts between Ryo-chan and Ueda. Not only will I not get the fun of calling myself a hero for stopping it, but I won’t get to record it on video!”
“Oh. I’m sure Kamenashi-kun and Koki-kun will more than happily share.”
“Yes, but then I’ll have to buy them a year’s worth of hair product,” Jin sighs. “It’s nice talking to you, but I probably should let you go back to NEWS. But hey? Can you do me a favour?”
“Uhm, depends.”
“Ah, it’s pretty big. Really, really big. I don’t think I can trust anyone else with it. But I think you’re probably the best man for the job,” Jin contemplates. “So, yeah. Help me out? Please?”
“I’m always happy to help, I’ll do my best.”
“Pi’s my best friend. No one can take care of him like you can. Yoroshiku.”
“Ah, domo?” Koyama says, trying to fight the smile off his face. “I’ll do my best.”
“Thank you very much,” Jin says, formally. “Tell everyone I say hello.” And then he hangs up.
*
Not once does Koyama regret loving Yamapi. He doesn’t blame himself, doesn’t hate himself, doesn’t cut himself up on the inside over loving someone and not being able to make it right or make it how they want it. It’s just how they are, how it is.
Progress, Koyama muses, they’ve made progress.
“If it were like this everyday, with you and me forever with the great wall between us, would you be happy?” Yamapi asks him.
“I’m happy because you’re in my life,” Koyama says truthfully. “Since whenever I started loving you, I’ve been happy when you’re healthy, been sad when you’re worried and been glad that you exist in the same world as I do.”
Yamapi rolls around so he can loop an arm around Koyama’s waist. The sheets rustle underneath them. It’s too hot and sticky on a summer’s night to be so close, but if they’re too far apart, Yamapi looks like the ground is shaking underneath him.
“I hated being defined by Yamapi,” Tomohisa tells him quietly. “I think you changed that. You made me want to be someone who always flew with my head in the clouds.”
“Don’t look down, Tomohisa. Just keep spreading your wings.”
“If I’m a star, you’re a cloud. You hide me when it’s storming and on the nights when I can’t take it.”
Koyama nods.
Yamapi kisses him. “Keiichirou, I do love you.”
“Be a salary man, I’ll be a ramen cook,” Koyama tells him.
Tomohisa nods. Keiichirou smiles.
*
It’s perhaps for the better that Koyama’s a good guy; Yamapi might be a bad one.
“Don’t look at other people like how you look at me,” Yamapi says, shoving Koyama towards Ryo’s car with the keys in his hands. “Don’t cook lunch for everyone. Cook lunch for me. Can I be more selfish, Koyama? You wouldn’t get angry, would you?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“I’m kidnapping you, okay? Let’s go.”
So they run away, to a place where Koyama’s the best guy in the world-
“Because I need the best guy to stop a bad guy like me from being absolutely crazy,” Yamapi says, when the sea is stretched before them, the ocean so close that if Koyama were to wind down the windows, they can taste salt in the air.
*
They could drive to Disneyland, but it’d be closed.
Nightfall in Chiba, Yamapi’s cigarette the smallest glow in the car as they stare at where the moon and stars glisten over the ocean.
Koyama stares at the water, through the windscreen and thinks of what lies on the other side. He’d have to be brave to cross the ocean, he thinks.
Yamapi’s brave.
Yamapi’s the bravest guy he knows.
*
“When you look at me, it’s like I’m someone important.”
Koyama waits.
“When you love, it’s like I don’t have to do anything in return.”
Koyama nods.
“I’m a pretty bad guy,” Yamapi murmurs. “And I still want you to love me like that.”
Koyama unbuckles his seatbelt, crosses over the gears and dumps himself right into Yamapi’s lap, unbuckling Yamapi’s seatbelt and taking the cigarette from his fingers.
“I kidnapped you,” Yamapi continues, as though whatever brave motion Koyama’s taking is absolutely nothing.
Koyama sucks in some nicotine, exhales and smiles. “You’re a really bad guy,” Koyama agrees, crushing the cigarette in the ashtray. “Sometimes I should just stop being a good guy. I let you steal Massu’s fairy floss.” And he kisses Yamapi, hands in his hair and decides he might want to be an accomplice once more.
*
“You’re not going to stop me this time?”
“I was the one who started it.”
And that’s the difference, isn’t it?
Yamapi kisses him-when he pulls back, his eyes are almost shining with a new light.
“We don’t get to break up,” Koyama promises him.
“We’re going to be alright,” Yamapi agrees.
*
If he could trace every muscle on Yamapi’s body, if he could have it all, Koyama thinks he’d be the greediest guy alive.
“Last chance to back out,” Yamapi warns.
Koyama smiles, hands running one line over pectorals and abs and down to Yamapi’s waistband. “Alright.”
And he kisses him, unbuckling belt and pulling open a zipper.
*
“I mean it.”
Yamapi’s secretly good, underneath it all. He probably would warn a girl before he came in her mouth.
Koyama kinda likes it.
*
They should start slow, soft fluttering caresses and gentle kisses, promises of forever and cherishing every kiss.
Yamapi’s probably a sadist on the inside, nails digging into Koyama’s side, scraping and kissing and biting and pulling at hair. He’s pretty good at it, this type of rough, hot want that’s driven by the need for skin on skin-he’s an expert at finding everything in between love, fashion and fame with hands that stroke Koyama and drive him distraction.
“We should really put the seat back,” Koyama realises, eyes fluttering shut as Yamapi touches him, strokes him, makes him forget the outside world except that he’s straddling Yamapi and that yes, please keep going. Please.
“Next time,” Yamapi murmurs, kissing him on the throat. “We can do it in the backseat next time if you want.”
Koyama wants to tease him, want to ask if Yamapi’s planning ahead but god, all he can does is hitch his hips and thrust himself right into Yamapi’s hand and find some sort of heat, some touch and friction.
There’s a hand on his back, pulling him close and Koyama grinds down, thrusts forward, just tries to do something and then there’s Yamapi-perfect, amazing Yamapi who’s head rolls back when Koyama grinds his ass right into Yamapi’s fucking hard-on-
“I’ve thought about this for a freaking long time. You have no idea,” Yamapi groans, trying to find something in the glove compartment of the car.
“This?”
“Mmm. Usually it’s somewhere else.”
“Tell me,” Koyama murmurs, right into Yamapi’s ear with a shuddering gasp when Yamapi suddenly thrusts upwards, pitching him forward so Koyama smacks right against the steering wheel.
“I could show you.”
*
“Yeah, like that,” Koyama gasps.
Yamapi’s two fingers deep, forehead presses against Koyama’s as he chuckles, kisses Koyama on the lips, on the jaw, twists his hand, nails catching something that has Koyama gasping and whimpering. He’s barely got them out of their jeans, half the heat from leather seats on denim, half of the want from lust and lack of restraint.
“Like this?” And Yamapi drives his fingers in deeper, watching-how can he be so calm?-and waiting when Koyama nods frantically, trying to push down onto him, find the sweet spot that Yamapi’s discovered.
“Please?”
“Why are you begging?”
“Because I want you.”
“I want you too,” Yamapi confesses.
A little bit of sugar, a little bit of rush and it’s all a thrill for the two of them, another kiss, another thrust, one hand tearing open a condom packet and then a pause.
“Do you think people can see us?” Yamapi murmurs.
“It’s pretty dark out there,” Koyama replies. “Why?”
“I wonder if you’ve let anyone else see you like this,” half a question, half a statement, something Yamapi probably won’t delve into right now.
“And what about you?” Koyama says, stroking Yamapi’s face with fingertips and rubbing his thumb along the curve of his cheekbone. He takes in a steady breath, smiling faintly. “Doesn’t matter, does it? All that stuff, all the things before this.” You’re a super star, Koyama thinks. It doesn’t matter who sees-Koyama’s always going to be the only one who understands where all that shining light comes from.
And it seems, perhaps, Yamapi understands.
“Should we even be talking?” Koyama adds, whine colouring his last words when Yamapi withdraws his fingers. “I mean-”
“You always talk,” Yamapi says, right before he thrusts in-oh, like that. He kisses Koyama, mouth stifling the moan, the gasp, the sudden surprise that they’ve been prepared for. He stills, just so they can sink into the heat and take a second to get it all back together.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
Koyama nods, rocks his hips back and forth, gasps and pants escaping from the effort. He’d worry, he really would, but he doesn’t with Yamapi’s hand on his dick, with the darkness surrounding the two of them alone where the ocean waves crash upon each other and the stars shine in the sky outside the car. He stops worrying, starts falling deep in the ripples of desire, pleasure, kisses Yamapi, touches his hair, promises the world to him-
“Do you love me?” Yamapi gasps, hand tightening right around Koyama.
Koyama nods, frantic.
Yamapi thrusts upwards, starts going with the motions of it, having had enough of going along for the ride and thrusts Koyama right into his hand, tugging and pulling and fast. “Say it. Please.”
And there’s the difference, when it’s just said in passion, when it’s just said in hallways, when it’s the two of them consumed by a build up of emotion and restrained affection-
“Do you love me as well?” Koyama asks.
Yamapi grunts, making an amazing noise when Koyama tightens right around him.
“How did you do that?” he hisses, using his free hand to yank at Koyama’s hair.
Koyama tries to laugh, despite it all and lets Yamapi angle his head back for a harsh kiss. “I do love you, Tomohisa.” I can do anything because I think you’re the one I want to be beside, keeping up with you-he has a million years of confessions to say, all the things he locks away and suddenly, it’s getting harder, getting hotter, focus slipping away.
Yamapi angles his hips, hits a spot deep in Koyama that has him turning into a mess of pleas and begging for more, don’t stop, not now, yes, now, please. Yamapi’s always been somewhere in between obedient idol and charismatic friend so right now, he’s in the deep end, some mess of late acknowledged lover.
“I love you too,” and they both come, hard, with unrestrained and wordless gasps and that should be the end of it all.
It’s not-Koyama’s limp against Yamapi, leaning and almost cuddling, even when Yamapi slowly pulls out.
“I mean it,” Yamapi mutters.
Koyama smiles, snuggles his face into the crook of Yamapi’s neck and wraps an arm around his waist. “It’ll be different this time. It’s okay.”
*
“I’ve always loved you,” Yamapi says.
Koyama nods, waiting.
“I still do,” Yamapi tries.
*
“With me, you can,” Koyama says.
*
“I hate you both,” Ryo snaps. “You completely defiled my car.”
“Thank you. You’re a good friend, Ryo-chan.”
Tegoshi sits down on the couch, leans his head onto Koyama’s shoulder. “Happy, Kei-chan?”
Koyama watches Massu and Shige argue with Yamapi over the selection of bento-there’s only one with gyoza and the answer to life is clearly janken. “I’m happy,” he says.
Later, after lunch, Yamapi hugs him, calls him “Kei-chan” like it’s all back to normal. Except, really, it’s not.
It’s Koyama, it’s Yamapi, it’s the two of them reaching an understanding beyond wishes and imagination.
“Will you always keep watching me?” Yamapi asks him, wide eyes and perfect idol. “I think I need Koyama to still be there,” he’s still a guy, with a heart, still a kid with his dreams.
“I’ve always been here,” Koyama reassures. “Be a superstar, Tomohisa.” They’re both pretty amazing, Koyama thinks. They can make it, survive, love-all with consequence but it never really deters them. It doesn’t matter what they do, good or bad. “You can do anything.”
“As long as you’re there,” Yamapi reminds. “I need you there.”
They don’t get breaks up, don’t get dates-that’s something else. It’s not a boy and a boy, a guy and a girl, not really anything but-
Yamapi’s his shining star and Koyama’s his only one.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Koyama/Yamapi, one sided Koyama/Tegoshi
Warnings: Fragmented storyline, mentions of het, talk on sexual preferences
Summary: “What can I say, I’m a super good, super bad superman.” Yamapi might be right about that.
Notes: Enjoy, ryogrande!
For the longest time, Yamapi always shines.
He’s pretty amazing, their Yamashita Tomohisa-he runs off to Italy and gets a tan, goes up on stage and smiles, he wins hearts like he breathes oxygen.
Koyama watches, holds his hand and tells him, “I think you’re special.”
“Special how?” Yamapi asks him.
“Special like how you always amaze me,” Koyama says, meaning each and every word.
Yamapi drinks it all in, hand warm and eyes gazing at Koyama, always a distance away. “Kei-chan is too kind to me. You’re too nice to everyone,” he says. “But that’s okay, I don’t think it’d be the same if you weren’t.”
*
Koyama likes to think that Johnny gave them all a gift: each other. He’s not sure if under any other circumstance, it would have been the nine-eight-six of them. But this is where he is now, with NEWS.
He likes NEWS. Loves them, almost unconditionally.
“But that’s how it is with Kei-chan,” Yamapi says, when the subject comes around. “Koyama is like the glue that holds us together. If Ryo is the one that pushes us forward, it’s Koyama who makes sure we can all stay together. I like that about Koyama.”
He has fears that NEWS will end. Sometimes, Koyama worries that Yamapi will one day drift away and across the skies towards a bigger and brighter galaxy. But he never says it, just smiles and pours Yamapi more tear. “I like that Yamashita-kun is always so strong.”
“NEWS makes me strong,” Yamapi tells him, serious. “You make me strong.”
*
People like to say that Koyama’s full of ‘feelings’ and that he cries bucket sized tears at the littlest of things, like abandoned puppies or when Tegoshi trips over and falls flat on his face (then again, they had only just started out). Sometimes, Koyama thinks they’re right.
He cries when Yamapi returns from Italy. Alone.
“I couldn’t,” Yamapi whispers into his ear. He’s on Koyama’s doorstep, suitcase at his feet. “I just-it just didn’t. I couldn’t.”
“You’re back.”
“Don’t cry, Kei-chan.”
“I’m Koyama, I cry over everything,” Koyama insists, wiping the tears away. “I’m happy.”
“I’m back,” Yamapi echoes, arms wrapped around Koyama.
*
Boy met girl sometime in the past and the girl took him to Paris and Okinawa and Italy. The boy smiled, lets his friends talk about his gorgeous girlfriend and boy managed to break the heart of the person who will always be with him.
Koyama likes love stories. He just doesn’t like the endings. Sometimes they’re happy, sometimes they’re sad.
“We aren’t a love story,” Yamapi promises.
“We can’t be,” Koyama agrees. They sit on the pavement, Yamapi smoking and Koyama staring at the buildings and the skies. Usually, people take breaks and go to the bathroom or to the rooftops or to the cafeteria. They come to the back of the building, staring at grey pavement and how the sun is constantly blocked out by Tokyo’s skyscrapers.
“In love stories, people break up,” Yamapi muses. He leans back for a second, looking up so the daylight hits his face, the glisten of sun shines in his hair. “Break ups aren’t for us, Koyama.”
“Really?” Koyama asks, wondering why his heart flutters like little butterfly wings. “What makes you so sure?”
Yamapi smiles. “Are you worried, Koyama?”
“I always worry.”
“Maybe I’m a bad person, because I like it when you worry,” Yamapi admits sheepishly. “Because nothing would be right if you didn’t worry over things, Koyama. Because I want to be the one to fix the things that worry you.”
“Thank you,” Koyama replies.
Yamapi leans his head on Koyama’s shoulder, pointing up at a building. “I bet you, if that building moved, the sun would shine right on us. Let’s go see where the sun is shining.” He grabs Koyama by the arm, pulling him up and walking off and leaving a cigarette stub on the ground.
*
He worries that one day, fate will take Yamapi away.
Everyone knows that Yamapi’s got a great destiny, he’s the type of guy who can go further and further-the boy who used to hang around the cows in Chiba turned into the man who makes the world his stage when wearing a sequin adorned jacket.
Koyama stands in the wings, holding his breath until Yamapi comes off stage, sweaty and exhausted and saying, “I’m glad you’re watching me, Kei-chan.”
*
If someone asked him, Koyama would say, “No, I’m fine with Yamashita-kun doing what he wants. He’s a good person and responsible.” That’s what he says, each and every time.
“It’s killing you,” Shige tells him. He never intrudes, plays the role of the observant best friend but Katou Shigeaki is smarter than that. He knows when to poke and prod, when to step back and when to let Koyama come over and curl up on his sofa. “Don’t let it hurt you too much, Kei. I’d say it’s not worth it, but it’s not up to me to decide.”
“It’s nothing,” Koyama insists, denial his only defence.
“It’s whatever you want it to be. Do you think he knows?”
So does Yamapi know? Koyama never really asked. Whatever it is, they don’t define it, don’t try and interpret it so they can make it the writing on the wall.
“He’s not originally mine. And I’m not originally his.”
Shige sits down next to Koyama, surveying him carefully. “So you think it’s okay, even if he leaves because you were both alone from the start?”
“What makes you say that?”
Shige just smiles. “I’m your best friend. I just know these things. That’s my job, to know what you don’t.”
It’s a good thing too, because perhaps Shige is right.
*
“I love you.”
Yamapi looks at him, face unreadable and eyes blank.
“I’ll always love you,” Koyama tries.
*
“Would you love me in the morning?” Yamapi asks.
Koyama’s not sure if that’s the answer to his confession.
“Sometimes, people leave in the mornings,” Yamapi continues, speaking of a story he’ll never tell.
*
Yamapi does cry. He wakes up from the most horrible nightmares and calls Koyama. They speak late into the night, until the tiniest streaks of sunlight creep through the blinds and they’re too exhausted to go to work.
At work, Yamapi sleeps on the sofa in their dressing room, head in Koyama’s lap. He doesn’t wake up from bad dreams.
Koyama’s glad, stroking Yamapi’s hair and wondering if this is what guardian angels do.
*
“Can I be more selfish?” Tegoshi asks Koyama, trying to figure out how to tie a tie for their photoshoot. “Kei-chan, you wouldn't be mad, would you?” He taps Koyama on the shoulder, pointing to his tie.
“You’re always self centred, but that’s just Tegoshi.”
“My type of selfish doesn’t hurt people, Kei-chan. But sometimes, I worry that the more you look after Yamashita-kun, the less you’ll love the rest of us,” Tegoshi says, tone sombre like he’s saying goodbye. He gives Koyama a quick hug and breathes in his scent, right in the crook of his neck. “Don’t stop loving the rest of us. Stop falling in love, Kei-chan.”
“I won’t ever stop,” Koyama promises, patting Tegoshi’s hair. “We’re forever. Precious and forever,” he says.
Tegoshi looks up at him, a smile that could be one thousand watts lighting up the room. “I was lying. Don’t stop caring for Yamashita-kun.”
“You know I can’t. And you weren’t lying. But that’s okay. It’s alright if you’re scared. We’re all scared,” Koyama admits, helping Tegoshi with his tie.
“It’s a different type of scared, Kei-chan. I think Yamashita-kun will take you away from all of us. Don’t leave us, just yet.”
“It’s not like that.”
“But you want it to be,” Tegoshi says, unthinkingly.
Koyama blinks. “Yes. I do.”
For a moment, Tegoshi pouts but then the smile is back. “I guess it’s okay. It’d have to be someone special like Yamashita-kun if it’s Kei-chan. So I suppose that makes it alright.”
Because it’s Tegoshi, Koyama decides to take the leap. He pats Tegoshi on the head-habit, it’ll never die out. “So it’s okay. That it’s Yamashita-kun?” Not some girl, he fails to add. Not some girl he can settle down with and get married to.
Tegoshi studies him for a minute. “I think it’s okay. That’s what’s important, right?”
Koyama hugs Tegoshi, never so thankful for the baby boy in a man’s body.
*
Yamapi’s eating cotton candy.
“I’ll give you half if you shut up and don't tell anyone,” Yamapi promises, holding out the plastic bag of pink confectionary.
“Why would I tell?” Koyama wonders, tearing off a piece and letting it melt on his tongue.
“I don’t know. I was eating chocolate once, Ryo-chan ran around and told Jin and then I had no more chocolate. They took away my chocolate. And ate it. Without me.”
“I’ll keep it a secret then,” Koyama laughs.
“You’re the best, you know that?” Yamapi murmurs.
“Really?”
Yamapi’s smile is honest, reaches his eyes this time. “Yes. Of course. You really are the best.”
*
“Hey, has anyone seen my cotton candy?” Massu asks.
Koyama gapes at Yamapi who makes a ‘shh’ motion with his finger.
“Maybe the fairies wanted their floss back,” Yamapi says with the straightest face possibly.
“I assisted your crime,” Koyama hisses to Yamapi, slightly dismayed. “Really, how could you.”
“I wanted fairy floss, I’ll buy him gyoza later.”
“You’re not a very good guy,” Koyama tells Yamapi.
Yamapi winks. “Really now.”
*
Koyama ends up buying the gyoza. He buys everyone gyoza and they eat lots of gyoza and he looks on as Tegoshi and Massu talk about their plans for their tour, how KoyaShige should make a guest appearance-
“Yamashita-kun and Nishikido-kun, you both should come if you have time,” Massu adds because Tegoshi is far too busy helping Ryo shove gyoza into Shige’s mouth.
“We should, yeah,” Yamapi agrees. “We’re really proud of you guys.”
“RyoPi and KoyaShige guest appearances, it has to go into the DVD so we get a cut,” Shige insists before Ryo shoves one more gyoza into his mouth. “Mphf!”
“What was that, are you trying to say something, Shige?” Ryo snickers.
“Mmphf mmph mpf!”
“Please stop stuffing food into my mouth,” Koyama translates.
They play party games later, because this is probably a chance to celebrate. Party games that are like-
“Who the fuck plays Pin the Horn on the Unicorn?” Ryo snaps as he wanders around the room, blindfolded with a paper unicorn horn in his hand. “Where am I going? Someone help me!”
“Go forward,” Yamapi calls out.
Ryo promptly walks right into the wall.
*
“You’re a pretty bad guy,” Koyama says to Yamapi, when they’re cleaning up and Ryo is yelling at Shige to take down the tinsel they stuck up-to make the room festive and fun because it's a celebration (actually, that was Koyama’s idea).
“What can I say, I’m a super good, super bad superman,” Yamapi laughs.
“I like that,” Koyama blurts out unthinkingly. But that doesn’t seem to really have any impact-the remind of his confession makes him wince and turn his back to Yamapi so he can take the paper unicorn off the wall.
“It’s good you do,” Yamapi says quietly.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask you why?” Koyama murmurs, looking at the unicorn that Tegoshi drew. It’s a terribly ugly unicorn and there’re only two horns on it and none of those horns are on the head. Massu’s is stuck on one of the front legs and Yamapi’s is stuck on the unicorn butt. Koyama’s is on the edge of the paper.
“I like that you like me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, but I guess that’s alright,” Koyama laughs. He hands Yamapi the unicorn drawing. “Want to keep it? It’s Tegoshi’s masterpiece!”
“I might, actually. It’s a game that you came up with, after all.”
Koyama’s heart races like horses at the derby.
*
“You told him.”
Koyama stares at Shige, the ramen noodles slipping from his chopsticks. “How do you know these things?”
“Because you let Nishikido-kun kiss the wall and let me get force fed. You told him.”
“Are you sure you aren’t psychic, Shige?”
“If I were, you’d work it into the next KoyaShige routine, wouldn’t you?” Shige says seriously.
Koyama nods.
He groans. “No, Koyama. I am not psychic. But you did tell him.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“I don’t know.”
Shige pays for ramen that night.
*
“Do you think I shouldn’t have told him, Shige?”
“I wouldn’t know. I’m not an expert on this type of stuff.”
“It’d help,” Koyama muses, “if people came along with handbooks. Maybe that way, I wouldn’t have to wonder if I said the wrong thing. Or if I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Well, the world would probably be less crazy.”
No, Koyama thinks. The world will always be crazy. He doesn’t mind it that way. He remembers talking to Yamapi about it once, their beautiful and crazy lives filled with studios and flashing lights. Koyama remembers Yamapi leaning close, saying that he once thought of leaving but something pulled him back.
“I don’t think it’d be the same, if the world weren’t crazy. It wouldn’t be exciting, would it?” Shige mutters.
“I don’t really get it, but sure,” Koyama agrees.
*
“Because there’d be no colour in life,” Yamapi says simply. He answers what Shige can’t and sits in Koyama’s genkan, head in his hands. “I drank too much. Jin called a drinking game. Shots. Lots of them.” He’s smiling, though it’s a bit tired and weakened from a night out.
“And who won?” Koyama prods, helping Yamapi with his shoes.
“Jin. Ryo was knocked out before I was-I mean, don’t tell him I said this, but he’s kind of tiny.”
“Want me to draw you a bath?”
“Later. Just sit with me?” Yamapi requests softly. “I wouldn’t mind if we just sat down for a bit.”
So they sit. Yamapi’s fingers trace into the wooden floorboards, head hung low and hair flopping and dishevelled. Although, there’s nothing tense about him so that’s perhaps a good thing.
“If there’s no life or colour in this world, then I don’t know what I’d do,” he confesses quietly. “I don’t know what I’d do if I weren’t me.”
Koyama waits for him to continue.
“I think things could have been so different,” he says nothing but implies absolutely everything, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “I think if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be here.” With you, perhaps. With the same people. Yamapi gives nothing away.
“You shouldn’t regret. Life is too short for things like that,” Koyama says softly.
“It’s not regret, Kei.” Yamapi props his chin onto Koyama’s shoulder, blows softly onto his cheek so warm breath hits him. “It’s just that I’ve done things in life far too early and the things I wish to do, it’s far too late.”
“You know, it’s strange. Because I’m older than you, but I’ve always thought that you were able to do so much. You’re Yamapi, I think I believe in you a lot more than I care to admit. I think we all do.”
“Pressure,” Yamapi laughs.
“I’ll catch you if you trip over.”
“Then maybe I might want to fall.”
Koyama’s not quite sure if that’s a confession.
*
“I think I made the choice myself; become an idol, reach for greater heights, be Yamapi.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“I don’t know why I chose it. Sometimes, I think I do. Sometimes I don’t.”
*
On some occasions, Koyama just wants to keep Yamapi to himself. He wants to tell the world that Tomohisa isn’t available and they can cope with it. The world can keep spinning on its axis without Yamashita Tomohisa.
“I wouldn’t mind, you know,” Yamapi says. He crawls into bed right next to Koyama. “I think the world could cope without Koyama Keiichirou.”
“And you, do you think you can cope without me?”
“No. I can’t,” Tomohisa tells him before they fall asleep.
*
Catch me, Koyama wants to tell him.
Are you falling even harder, Yamapi’s smile asks him.
*
Massu is pretty simple. Actually, it’s more like Massu just hands Koyama some fairy floss and points Koyama to Yamapi.
“Oh and, tell him stealing is bad.”
“Thank you,” Koyama says, blinking.
“You know, we’ve always been a family. I think it’d be good,” Massu says, shrugging. He doesn’t go into specifications-maybe Tegoshi told him or perhaps he guessed. Or maybe Massu’s always known and doesn’t mind.
“I hope it’ll be good. Not everyone will see it as good.”
“You’re one of the best people anyone could ever know, Kei-chan. I don’t think it matters if anyone else says it isn’t good.”
“Even if I let Yamashita-kun steal your fairy floss?”
“Mmhm.”
*
If he asks Yamapi, ‘how is she’ then Koyama thinks that everything would fall apart. They don’t talk about her. He doesn’t even know about Paris or Italy or Okinawa or even why.
He wants to ask though. Why.
“Because she’s hot, because Pi’s an idiot and you’re equally as stupid,” Ryo says flatly, right to Koyama’s face over beer and yakisoba. “Get it together already. I don’t have time between Kanjani and caring about you idiots and my drama to worry about this. I need to sleep, you know.”
“I’m so touched that Ryo-chan is worried about us,” Koyama teases.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You have no idea how much of a pain in the ass Pi is when he’s all ‘oh, woe is me for being so fabulously Yamapeen-ish with someone who cares for me and people adoring me and yet I can’t get over whatever’s plaguing my mind at night so I call Ryo and ask him for help and then whine when Ryo hangs up’,” Ryo snaps.
Koyama stares.
“You. Have. No. Idea.”
“Uh.”
“YOU HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY?” Ryo says rather hysterically, voice going up several octaves as he turns to look at Koyama with the crazed expression of a serial killer. “YOU REALLY DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?”
“Ryo-chan, people are staring.”
“For the love of everything cute and sweet on this earth, I hope that you two figure it out. Seriously. I can’t stand one more ‘Oh Ryo-chan, my life is ever so hard, I am the Yamapeen and I can’t decide what to do with myself’ conversation. Okay, and don’t forget that I also have to listen to Jin worrying about Pi. Do I look like an Agony Aunt? That’s meant to be your job, Koyama!”
“It can’t be that bad.”
“Yes. It is. I think that’s why Jin decided that going to Europe was a fantastic idea. I probably should have joined him. I make a great samurai.”
Koyama laughs and orders them more yakisoba. “You’re a good friend, Ryo-chan.”
“I know. So be a good friend in return and fix Pi!”
*
Yamapi’s probably a bit broken.
Koyama thinks it’s okay because nobody’s perfect and he thinks that it’d be good if he can be the missing parts that Yamapi’s lost.
He wants to bring Yamapi to places where they can see the autumn sky and the wind carries their winds far out to the oceans. It’d be possible, maybe in a few years or in another lifetime but Koyama wants to see Yamapi stretch and laugh so loud in a place no one can judge them.
“If you took me somewhere, I want it to be where the moon is. That’s where the stars and clouds are. That’s where you are,” Tomohisa says to him. He’s lying on his back, on the jimusho rooftop and staring up at the blue skies. No cigarette, no can of coffee. Just lying there, almost at peace.
“How far away is that?” Koyama asks, lying down so he can prop his head on Yamapi’s stomach.
“I don’t know. We’d have to be pretty brave.”
It’s their final frontier, a secret wish and Koyama smiles. “Yeah, we would. Are you that brave?”
“You make me brave.”
*
It’s easier to recognise when Yamapi smiles because it’s scripted or when the cameras are rolling or when he’s actually smiling because he’s happy and his heart wants to soar.
Koyama feels it, the happiness radiating and starts smiling himself.
Shige casts him knowing looks and then asks Ryo why is he scowling like that because Shige, unlike Ryo, knows how to be subtle.
*
“Are you S or M?”
“What?” Koyama asks, confused.
Yamapi stirs the soup in the pot, staring at it. “Hey, more salt or less?”
“More, you barely added enough. What do you mean S or M?”
“Do you want to be in heaven or hell? Would you rather sadistic love or some sort of sweet chain?”
“Yamashita-kun-”
“I’m serious. What are you, Koyama?” He adds another pinch of salt. “Taste this, will you?”
It’s a bit bland. “I don't know, what do you think I am?”
“I think only a masochist could love like you do.” Yamapi adds more salt. “Maybe I’m a little bit S. It’d make sense, wouldn’t it?”
*
It hurts, Koyama’s kindness whispers.
Yamapi’s soft glances and acceptance just smiles and binds them closer, promising he won’t let go.
*
Tegoshi’s pretty unaware of personal space. He’s also unaware of a lot of things, far too aware of everything else and perhaps the worst part is that he likes to play dumb. Or maybe that’s a weapon.
He loops arms around Koyama, smiling and waiting for an offer for lunch, a lift home, something kind and generous.
Koyama tries to look over at Yamapi, tries to say sorry-they know that Tegoshi has a blonde or a brunette, someone cute waiting for him, waiting to baby him and let him cuddle up to them. And yet, it happens. This happens.
“Tegoshi,” Koyama says gently.
“You told him, didn’t you?” Tegoshi murmurs, so quietly and intimately into Koyama’s ear. “Don’t be mad, Massu guessed. We talked about it.” He presses his nose right onto Koyama’s cheek, laughing softly. “Oh Kei-chan. I just want you to be happy because you make everyone else happy.”
Funnily, it’s nice. Hugging Tegoshi is like clinging to a hot water bottle on a rainy night.
“If I were a girl, would you love me?” Tegoshi asks, almost serious.
Koyama can't help but chuckle, smoothing out Tegoshi’s hair. “Where’s this coming from?”
“Please love him properly, before you forget to love the rest of us. I’m selfish but I’m trying to help.”
Koyama smiles, hugging Tegoshi once more. “I wish it worked like that, Nyan.”
*
He doesn’t recall ever fighting with Yamapi over anything. Not even when they’re stressed for live concerts, when Yamapi forgets to tidy up his side of the dressing room or he keeps forgetting to pack underwear in his luggage and Koyama always ends up buying him underwear from the conbini-he doesn’t really recall them arguing. Ever.
Maybe they should fight over this.
There’s something worth fighting for, after all.
Still. He should ask Yamapi one day, why her? Why someone else, why not-
“Stop thinking about it, it’ll just manifest and you’ll explode and then I have to listen to Shige complain about cleaning little pieces of Koyama off the walls and floors,” Ryo insists.
“I’m not thinking about it.”
“Yes and Sousuke was a friendly, young man who handed out lollipops.”
“He gave a little boy bread.”
“For fuck’s sake, Koyama.”
“Have you been talking to Shige about this?”
“Yes. And for once, he’s not completely off base and stupid!”
“Shige isn’t stupid. He graduated with a law degree.”
“Yes and I’m in two bands. Your point?”
Koyama stammers and just pokes Ryo in the sides. “Ryo-chan.”
“Why the hell are you two so-urgh, I hate this. You two are just going to end up confused and sad until you just, argh! Sort it out and when you two are happy together, I can say I told you so!”
It’s caught in his throat but somehow; the words pry themselves out of Koyama’s mouth, “But what about her?”
“What about everyone else, what about the other girls he’s seen, the other boys who’s confused him-what about the time he tripped and kissed Jin because they fell to the floor? What about when Yu and him decided to test out what type of kisses look great on camera-why the fuck would it matter, Koyama?”
“Because,” Koyama tries. “It matters.”
“To who? You? Him?”
“No, just-”
“Then fuck it,” Ryo snaps. “God, this is why you don’t talk to Shige about this. He’ll logic his way through your problems and you’ll still be stuck.”
“And I presume you have a better solution?” Koyama says weakly.
“YES, SCREW HIS BRAINS OUT,” Ryo explodes.
Koyama stares.
“Well, you could start with uh, asking him what he wants as well,” Ryo amends. “That could work.”
*
There has to be a way to either deal with it or get over it.
He said it, he said those three words and-
“If we were on the wing of goodbye, would you fly first or would I?” Yamapi asks him.
They’re lying side by side in bed; Yamapi’s face barely inches apart from Koyama’s. It’s late, it’s dark, it’s just the two of them being stuck in whatever god forsaken limbo kindness and affection threw them into so long ago.
“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“Every time one of us cried, we held each other. Did you know that?”
“That makes us sound like girls.”
“Guys are allowed to cry. Only in front of important people, but don’t tell anyone I told you that,” Yamapi adds, face dead serious. “I’ve cried on national television.”
“In front of a friend who meant a lot to you,” Koyama says gently.
“I don’t think I’d like it if either of us say goodbye,” Yamapi says aloud, touching his fingers to Koyama’s face. “I don’t know what’d happen.”
“What’s making you think about that?”
“I had a choice, so long ago to be stuck in monotony for the rest of my life but I chose not to. I think I’m a stupid liar, Koyama. I think I’m controlled by this life, but I wouldn’t be able to live without this. I chose this life because there’s something in it, there’s colour, there’s fun, there’s you. If not, I’d just be bored and stuck and stagnant. I don’t know how I’d live with that.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re sticking around,” Koyama tells Yamapi, not sure if he should move any closer.
“You have no idea, Kei. Everything would change if you weren’t there.”
How?
“You know, the moon we see in Japan is the same moon I saw in Europe.”
“Well, there’s only one moon.”
“A million stars, a million clouds, hundreds of millions of people. If we’re one in a million, then there must be a few more like us.”
Koyama likes it, when Yamapi’s a dreamer, when Yamapi starts living and taking peeks at hope and fantasy.
“Yes, there are,” Koyama agrees.
“I guess it’s pretty good I know you first, huh,” Yamapi murmurs. “Goodnight, Kei-chan.”
*
“I know you’re the guy who cares so damn much about every single thing on the planet, but this is to the extreme. Are you a masochist?” Shige exclaims.
“He asked me the same thing.”
“Oh, gross.”
“Not like that! Just. Am I?”
“Well, if you’re still stuck in this whatever the hell relationship that’s clearly not a relationship because even I don’t know what to say.”
“Oh, Ryo-chan had suggestions.”
“Of course he did,” Shige says rather murderously under his breath. He pulls a book out of his bookshelf, flicking through it impatiently. It’s some fiction book, some book that everyone else would find too hard because Shige seems to appreciate more than simplicity. Shige’s pretty interesting, to be quite honest. “So. What did he say?”
“Yamapi?”
“No. Nishikido.”
“Uh, something about-”
“He said to screw yourselves to happiness, didn’t he?”
“Ah. Uhm.”
Shige rolls his eyes, continuing with his book. Last week, he was reading Norwegian Wood. Now it’s Lolita. “That might work for the Nishikidos of the world, but you don’t need to go along with what he tells you. But doing what you do clearly isn’t working. I don’t know how to help.”
Koyama sighs. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”
“Oh Keiichirou,” Shige says sympathetically.
“I know.”
*
Massu buys him chocolate and sighs. “Food doesn’t help. But this might cheer you up.”
“Is it possible to be so hopelessly devoted?” Koyama asks, sighing. “Maybe I’m silly.”
“You aren’t silly,” Massu says firmly. “You’re just a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and Yamashita-kun just doesn’t know how to look after it properly.”
“He doesn’t seem like the type.”
“They never do,’ Massu murmurs.
*
“Massu?” Yamapi guesses.
Koyama just ‘mm’s, moves over on the couch and breaks off a small bit, offering it to him. “You going to tell on me?” he teases.
“No.” Yamapi leans close, takes the chocolate from Koyama’s fingers with his mouth, tongue darting out to lick at the fingers.
Koyama jolts away, stares and stares and stares.
“That’s great chocolate.”
“Uhm, sure.”
*
Shige looks ready to have an aneurism. “He ate the chocolate out of your hand and you didn’t think to say, HEY ABOUT THE TIME I TOLD YOU LOVED YOU, DO YOU LOVE ME BACK?”
“It’s not like that,” Koyama insists. “Maybe things are meant to be like this.”
“But is that what you want?” Shige presses. “You know, you’re the type of person who gives away parts of you until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to see nothing left of you.”
“I’m fine,” Koyama protests.
Shige shoots him a very unimpressed stare. “Have you talked to Tegoshi?”
“Why?”
“Well, he’s good at this type of stuff, getting what he wants. But I think this is the one thing he’s losing.”
*
Tegoshi’s confession is in front of everyone, unsubtle and demanding, “I’d take you away from him, you know.”
Yamapi looks up from where he’s packing up his things, Shige drops the drink he’s holding and Massu just gapes. Ryo looks ready to cut someone because it’s probably adding to his laundry list to things to worry about.
“Tegoshi,” Koyama starts gently.
“I would. Kei-chan loves us all but sometimes, it’s divided. Stop dividing it. Love me. Choose me.” Tegoshi’s stubborn-his affection, his determination, its hot and warm like the sun’s flames.
“Isn’t that selfish?” Yamapi asks lightly.
“We’re all selfish. I’m just willing to admit it,” Tegoshi says plainly.
“You’re not being fair to Koyama,” and it’s like Yamapi’s trying to put down his foot as Leader, pull out the red card that he usually keeps hidden.
“Is this about Kei-chan or you, Yamashita-kun?”
Cold fury radiates from Yamapi-no one dares to move a muscle as he looks at Tegoshi, jaw clenched and hand slowly curling and uncurling.
“Let’s go,” he says to Koyama.
“Yamapi-”
“I said. Let’s. Go.”
*
His nails are biting into Koyama’s wrist, dragging them to the bus, to the train, a hat over his head and Yamapi’s hunched over on the train seat, saying nothing and refusing to even look at Koyama.
Koyama stands in front of him, gripping onto the handle above him.
“Would you choose him?” Yamapi finally asks.
“Didn’t you drive today?”
“He asked you to choose him. Would you?”
“Your car-”
“If I asked you to choose me, would you choose me?”
*
“You said you loved me.”
“Love. I still do.”
“So, choose me.”
*
“I can’t.”
*
Yamapi pushes him into the house, slams the door behind them and pulls Koyama close by his shirt collar.
“Love me then. Take me then. Give yourself to me if you love me,” Yamapi demands. Their mouths collide in a searing kiss, Yamapi shoving them right against the wooden door so hard that Koyama’s head smacks it with light thud. “Because you have no idea how much I need you.”
“You don’t tell me,” Koyama protests.
Yamapi pauses, just that little bit away from a kiss, only enough to make conversation. “I can’t,” he mocks. He’s a pretty bad guy.
They kiss, Yamapi’s fingers raking through Koyama’s hair and Koyama’s arms pulling him closer by the waist. It’s not soft affection but it’s all desperation and demand.
Koyama thinks that he can taste the sleepless nights, the confusion-he’s falling hard, Yamapi’s mouth on his and a firm body in his hands. He wonders what it’d be like, slipping his fingers under Yamapi’s t-shirt to touch warm skin.
He thinks of Yamapi putting claims all over him, Yamapi’s icy cold anger at Tegoshi, Yamapi, Yamapi, Yamapi.
“If I hadn’t said anything, what would you have told him?” Yamapi asks, taking Koyama’s face in his hands. “Would you have let it happen, let him get what he wants?” He doesn’t say Tegoshi’s name, eyes full of confusion, dark with arousal. “If I had done this earlier, would you have told him no right away?” He kisses Koyama, firm and rakes his teeth over Koyama’s lower lip.
No. I would have given you anything you wanted. Anything.
“Anything?”
“I said that out loud?” Koyama murmurs. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise to me.” And it’s another hot kiss with tongue and teeth and Yamapi unbuckling his pants. “Don’t apologise for something you don’t understand.”
Koyama’s hand grabs Yamapi’s, stilling all motions of zippers coming undone and their eyes meet. For a second, Koyama has him. Then he loses Yamapi to the rest of the world.
“Why are you stopping me?”
“Not like this.”
Yamapi steps back, tossing his head, agitated and almost like a caged lion. “What the hell?”
“Pi-”
“Do not. Try and reject me. Don’t.”
“Yamapi-”
“What the hell not?” he asks, tore up and crazy. “Why stop me, isn’t this what you want? What I want?”
“Why are you questioning even yourself?” Koyama replies simply.
“Because whenever my world shook, you never moved. You always have the answers. Please, answer me now.”
“Not like this,” Koyama repeats, wondering if he can hear a heart break.
“Get out.”
“Tomohisa.”
“I said, get out!”
*
Shige makes them tea. It’s strange, because once a girl from university turned him down and it was Koyama who made them tea and poured crackers into a bowl. Shige heats up leftover curry rice, sits them down in front of the television and puts on a movie.
“But.”
Shige looks at Koyama, confused.
“I still love him.”
*
To make matters worse, Ryo is livid. He refuses to talk to anyone but Massu because “Massu isn’t a stupid idiot, you hear that Pi? Massu isn’t a stupid idiot like you and I hope you know you’re a stupid idiot.” Ryo is not very helpful.
Unfortunately for Ryo, Massu doesn’t want to play along and he buys everyone bento and candy. He has Shige sit with Tegoshi, Yamapi sit with Ryo and Massu happily eats lunch with Koyama. Thinking about it, Massu’s probably better at this than any of them.
“It’s not your fault that you’re lovable,” Massu says comfortingly to Koyama.
“IT’S HIS FAULT FOR BEING A STUPID IDIOT,” Ryo scowls from where he’s eavesdropping.
“Nishikido-kun will shut up now.”
“Nishikido-kun is not going to shut up!”
“Do you hear that, Kei-chan? I think the wind is billowing very strong today,” Massu says firmly.
And for some reason, Koyama can’t help but laugh and bury his face into Massu’s strong shoulders.
*
“He broke it off in Italy, you know,” Ryo tells Koyama before they go home. “With her. He broke it off and told me that he wanted to be a better person.”
“I don’t understand, Ryo-chan.”
“Of course you don’t understand. You’re both stupid idiots. God.”
*
It takes Yamapi exactly one day before he asks Koyama, right in front of everyone, “Do you like boys or do you just love me?”
“I love you,” Koyama says, wondering why everyone else needs to hear this.
“I like how you looked at me. You made me think I could be someone worthwhile. Like I wanted to try to be that someone.”
“You always have.”
“I wanted to be someone to you. I still do.”
Yamapi leaves before anyone can answer and it’s Shige who decides to speak up.
“Wow.”
“I am surrounded by idiots,” Ryo groans.
*
Tegoshi follows Koyama home, despite Massu’s sighs and cajoling and Shige and Ryo’s offers to buy him dinner. He follows Koyama, sits in his car, fiddles with the radio and then gives up, listening to his iPod. He stops, talks about soccer, asks Koyama can he play with Nyanta and then when they get home, leaves his shoes lying around the genkan and pesters Koyama all whilst he cooks dinner.
“There’s different types of love in this world,” Tegoshi says after dinner when he’s got Nyanta in his lap. They’re drinking hot chocolate together and Tegoshi is hugging Koyama’s cat like Nyanta has all the answers to their problems.
Nyanta meows, nuzzling Tegoshi happily.
“Tegoshi, I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this.”
“Kei-chan, you’re the most amazing person in this world. You make everyone around you want to be a better person. Don’t ever change. Nothing would be the same if Kei-chan weren’t here.”
Tegoshi plops Nyanta into Koyama’s lap.
“Tegoshi?”
“Yes, Kei-chan?”
“Do you like boys or is it that you just like me?”
“I like Kei-chan.”
It’s a stunning echo of the conversation he had with Yamapi. But thinking about it, it’s different. Koyama thinks Tegoshi’s right. There are different types of love in the world. “Thank you,” Koyama says, smiling. “For what it’s worth, I do love you. But not in the way you want me to.”
“If Yamashita-kun doesn’t do anything, maybe in a few years, I’m going to come chasing after you. I’ll be more grown up so if that time comes, please take me seriously.”
“I’ll wait for you to grow up then,” Koyama promises.
“You don’t have a choice,” Tegoshi laughs. “I won’t let you have that choice.”
*
“Why do you love me?” he asks Tegoshi.
*
“Because you make me want to be a better person,” Yamapi tells him.
“So why her?”
“Because I don’t know,” Yamapi admits. “I think it wasn’t fair to her.”
Koyama thinks of the times he had a girlfriend, of when he had crushes on the girl in school who sat next to him and wore sweet, floral perfume. That was just hopeless infatuation. And it wasn’t ever fair because they broke apart because they grew up. They were just kids.
And-
“It wasn’t right with her,” Yamapi says.
“So what happens if one day, it’s not right with you or not right with me?”
“I don’t know. I never thought of all that. Did you?”
Koyama doesn’t say anything.
“Did you ever think we were possible?”
“I used to think we were impossible because sometimes, I didn’t know,” Koyama admits.
“Didn’t you know, Kei-chan? Impossible is wrong because it’s the fact that ‘I’m possible’ exists.”
*
They still sometimes hold hands.
At one point, Yamapi just grabs onto Koyama’s shirtsleeve and walks down to the carpark, clinging to Koyama’s shirtsleeve like a kid.
He’s a bit cute like that.
*
Koyama worries that he stung Yamapi with rejection, that Yamapi’s starting to falter when it comes to believe that when Koyama said always, Koyama really does mean always. But still, Koyama knows better. He thinks that sometimes it’s better to let it be.
“Why did you stop me?” Yamapi finally asks, trying to act casual but shifts around like he’s got ants in his pants. This is him, acting.
“Because I just couldn’t. It didn’t, I couldn’t-”
Yamapi’s mouth covers his, never mind they’re in his kitchen, that he’s backed Koyama up so Koyama’s smack bang against the counter.
The kiss is desperate, hot and downright consuming-Yamapi takes Koyama’s face into his hands, pressing a chaste kiss to the tip of Koyama’s nose, stroking Koyama’s lips with a thumb before they kiss again, full of scandal and promise.
“You can,” Yamapi whispers. “With me, you can.”
“With you,” Koyama repeats-he wets his lower lip, a small self conscious lick that Yamapi watches with dark eyes, “I can, with you,” he says slowly, knowing exactly where this is going.
Slowly, Koyama’s hand trails one slow line down Yamapi’s chest and to the hem of his shirt.
This is the hardest part, the bit where Yamapi watches and Koyama hesitates and then, everything shatters like glass when Yamapi pushes Koyama flat onto the kitchen counter and goes straight for the throat. Yamapi would make a fantastic serial killer.
Teeth rake over tanned skin and then Koyama’s the one who hitches up Yamapi’s t-shirt, hands immediately working soft patterns into the taunt muscles of his back-they’re fucking wound up, Yamapi’s entire body flexing as he tries to get close, the two of them trying to find a deep, sweet friction.
It’s a rush of heat and Yamapi rubbing and grinding and the two of them gasping and licking and kissing and then, it’s more than clear.
“No. Not like this,” Koyama says once more.
“Why not? Why the hell not?” Yamapi mutters, lip curling in irritation. “Why, Koyama?”
For some reason, it’s almost cute that Yamapi sulks. Maybe because Yamapi’s the last person on the earth to expect things to be given to him. But maybe this is it, the one thing that’ll elude him.
Koyama’s not sure why, but he might stick to that. The eluding, that is.
“I’ll go,” Koyama says quietly, sitting up and pushing Yamapi back slowly.
“You should,” Yamapi mumbles.
“Tomo.”
“What?”
“I do love you.”
“I know. Just in whatever way it is,” Yamapi sighs. “In this way that’s all drawn out and screwing us into the wall.”
“Something like that,” Koyama agrees.
*
And it’s no surprise that Ryo drags Yamapi and Koyama out of the meeting room, just to yell at them and hurl abuse like, “you stupid fucking idiots, why can’t you just sort this out, I’m going to have a cardiac arrest, dealing with Pi’s late night whining and oh my god, I have a drama and then there’s always Kanjani saying something about okonomiyaki in Tokyo giving them indigestion, I do not have time for this!”
Koyama tries to calm him down, puts a hand on Ryo’s shoulder, only for it to be smacked away. “Ryo-chan, we appreciate your concern, really.”
“CONCERN? I’M SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS THAT MY STOCKS ARE FLYING SO HIGH THAT I’M A FUCKING WALL STREETER.”
Massu pokes his head out of the room. “Nishikido-kun, if you want to yell, please do it somewhere else.”
Yamapi just looks rather unmoved. “It’s not my fault.”
“It’s not,” Koyama agrees. “I stopped him.”
“Yes, he stopped me.”
“DO YOU NOT HAVE HORMONES?” Ryo roars at Koyama, eyes wild and crazy.
“He kissed back,” Yamapi says, not that it helps.
“Then what’s the problem?” Tegoshi asks, popping his head out of the room as well. “Kei-chan loves me but not like how he loves you.”
“Not helping, Tegoshi,” Ryo says through gritted teeth.
“I do love him,” Koyama confirms.
“And he likes you,” Shige points out, also sticking his head out of the room.
To be quite honest, it’s quite ridiculous with Koyama, Yamapi and Ryo in a hallway, Massu, Tegoshi and Shige all with their bodies and heads half out of the room.
“Yes, I do,” Yamapi says quietly.
“SO? WHY ARE YOU TWO NOT FUCKING LIKE BUNNIES ON SPEED? WHY MUST YOU TWO MAKE IT SO STUPID AND FULL OF FEELING AND LOVE AND EMOTION, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THE ENTIRE KLEENEX THING, JUST USE ONCE THEN THROW AWAY?” Ryo explodes.
“Because, we just couldn’t,” Yamapi sighs.
“We really couldn't,” Koyama agrees.
*
You’re the only one I love like this, Koyama thinks.
Yamapi waits for him, breath caught and yearning.
*
When they’re having lunch, Ryo picks up his phone and growls, “I’ve given up, I’m going to the new N in KAT-TUN and there’s nothing you can do to help Kamenashi from stopping me. I’m serious.” He then shoves the phone to Yamapi.
“Hey,” Yamapi laughs.
Koyama looks on curious. In the background, Tegoshi makes a face, Massu shakes his head and Shige rolls his eyes.
Whoever said that NEWS knows no such thing as coordination?
“No. What-hey, no! No, no-what? No. Yes? Oh, that sounds cool. Oh, no. Yes. Hold on, but what if you go commando? Oh? Really? I’ll send you some. Hm. Maybe, but only if you scream “FIRE FIRE” but then again, people might call you a public disturbance. Yes, I know. How? Oh, seriously?”
Ryo mouths, “Jin,” at Koyama before miming a gagging motion.
“Koyama? Yeah, he’s here, right next to me. Oh, okay.” Yamapi takes a moment to smile at Koyama. “Jin wants to say hi, here.” He hands Koyama the phone, turning to look at Ryo who’s practically one step away from breathing fire or making like Godzilla and destroying Tokyo. “What?”
“Stupid idiot,” Ryo hisses.
“Hello,” Akanishi Jin drawls into the phone, trying very hard not to laugh. “How are you, Koyama?”
“Good, thank you. How is Akanishi-kun? Working hard? Good luck on your US debut. How was Europe?”
“Great. They overcook their steaks in London though, but that could be personal preference,” Jin muses. “But speaking of personal preferences,” he says slyly, he’s probably smiling over there in LA. “What are yours, Koyama?”
“Oh, I’m a cat person,” Koyama jokes.
“Really? Well, I won’t hold it against you,” Jin laughs. “What I will hold against you is that I have to listen to Ryo-chan’s insane rants, which by the way are very long and angry. Half the time, he leaves my ears ringing.”
“He tends to do that,” Koyama agrees.
“I KNOW YOU TWO ARE TALKING ABOUT ME, I DO NOT LIKE IT,” Ryo fumes.
“Is he hopping up and down and about to throw something?”
“Yep,” Koyama confirms.
Jin chuckles. “Damn, he really might try and be the N in KAT-TUN. I probably should warn Kame.”
“But, having Nakamaru-kun would be such fun, it’ll be like Shounen Club all over again.”
“You don’t get it, I’ll be on the other side of the world when World War III erupts between Ryo-chan and Ueda. Not only will I not get the fun of calling myself a hero for stopping it, but I won’t get to record it on video!”
“Oh. I’m sure Kamenashi-kun and Koki-kun will more than happily share.”
“Yes, but then I’ll have to buy them a year’s worth of hair product,” Jin sighs. “It’s nice talking to you, but I probably should let you go back to NEWS. But hey? Can you do me a favour?”
“Uhm, depends.”
“Ah, it’s pretty big. Really, really big. I don’t think I can trust anyone else with it. But I think you’re probably the best man for the job,” Jin contemplates. “So, yeah. Help me out? Please?”
“I’m always happy to help, I’ll do my best.”
“Pi’s my best friend. No one can take care of him like you can. Yoroshiku.”
“Ah, domo?” Koyama says, trying to fight the smile off his face. “I’ll do my best.”
“Thank you very much,” Jin says, formally. “Tell everyone I say hello.” And then he hangs up.
*
Not once does Koyama regret loving Yamapi. He doesn’t blame himself, doesn’t hate himself, doesn’t cut himself up on the inside over loving someone and not being able to make it right or make it how they want it. It’s just how they are, how it is.
Progress, Koyama muses, they’ve made progress.
“If it were like this everyday, with you and me forever with the great wall between us, would you be happy?” Yamapi asks him.
“I’m happy because you’re in my life,” Koyama says truthfully. “Since whenever I started loving you, I’ve been happy when you’re healthy, been sad when you’re worried and been glad that you exist in the same world as I do.”
Yamapi rolls around so he can loop an arm around Koyama’s waist. The sheets rustle underneath them. It’s too hot and sticky on a summer’s night to be so close, but if they’re too far apart, Yamapi looks like the ground is shaking underneath him.
“I hated being defined by Yamapi,” Tomohisa tells him quietly. “I think you changed that. You made me want to be someone who always flew with my head in the clouds.”
“Don’t look down, Tomohisa. Just keep spreading your wings.”
“If I’m a star, you’re a cloud. You hide me when it’s storming and on the nights when I can’t take it.”
Koyama nods.
Yamapi kisses him. “Keiichirou, I do love you.”
“Be a salary man, I’ll be a ramen cook,” Koyama tells him.
Tomohisa nods. Keiichirou smiles.
*
It’s perhaps for the better that Koyama’s a good guy; Yamapi might be a bad one.
“Don’t look at other people like how you look at me,” Yamapi says, shoving Koyama towards Ryo’s car with the keys in his hands. “Don’t cook lunch for everyone. Cook lunch for me. Can I be more selfish, Koyama? You wouldn’t get angry, would you?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“I’m kidnapping you, okay? Let’s go.”
So they run away, to a place where Koyama’s the best guy in the world-
“Because I need the best guy to stop a bad guy like me from being absolutely crazy,” Yamapi says, when the sea is stretched before them, the ocean so close that if Koyama were to wind down the windows, they can taste salt in the air.
*
They could drive to Disneyland, but it’d be closed.
Nightfall in Chiba, Yamapi’s cigarette the smallest glow in the car as they stare at where the moon and stars glisten over the ocean.
Koyama stares at the water, through the windscreen and thinks of what lies on the other side. He’d have to be brave to cross the ocean, he thinks.
Yamapi’s brave.
Yamapi’s the bravest guy he knows.
*
“When you look at me, it’s like I’m someone important.”
Koyama waits.
“When you love, it’s like I don’t have to do anything in return.”
Koyama nods.
“I’m a pretty bad guy,” Yamapi murmurs. “And I still want you to love me like that.”
Koyama unbuckles his seatbelt, crosses over the gears and dumps himself right into Yamapi’s lap, unbuckling Yamapi’s seatbelt and taking the cigarette from his fingers.
“I kidnapped you,” Yamapi continues, as though whatever brave motion Koyama’s taking is absolutely nothing.
Koyama sucks in some nicotine, exhales and smiles. “You’re a really bad guy,” Koyama agrees, crushing the cigarette in the ashtray. “Sometimes I should just stop being a good guy. I let you steal Massu’s fairy floss.” And he kisses Yamapi, hands in his hair and decides he might want to be an accomplice once more.
*
“You’re not going to stop me this time?”
“I was the one who started it.”
And that’s the difference, isn’t it?
Yamapi kisses him-when he pulls back, his eyes are almost shining with a new light.
“We don’t get to break up,” Koyama promises him.
“We’re going to be alright,” Yamapi agrees.
*
If he could trace every muscle on Yamapi’s body, if he could have it all, Koyama thinks he’d be the greediest guy alive.
“Last chance to back out,” Yamapi warns.
Koyama smiles, hands running one line over pectorals and abs and down to Yamapi’s waistband. “Alright.”
And he kisses him, unbuckling belt and pulling open a zipper.
*
“I mean it.”
Yamapi’s secretly good, underneath it all. He probably would warn a girl before he came in her mouth.
Koyama kinda likes it.
*
They should start slow, soft fluttering caresses and gentle kisses, promises of forever and cherishing every kiss.
Yamapi’s probably a sadist on the inside, nails digging into Koyama’s side, scraping and kissing and biting and pulling at hair. He’s pretty good at it, this type of rough, hot want that’s driven by the need for skin on skin-he’s an expert at finding everything in between love, fashion and fame with hands that stroke Koyama and drive him distraction.
“We should really put the seat back,” Koyama realises, eyes fluttering shut as Yamapi touches him, strokes him, makes him forget the outside world except that he’s straddling Yamapi and that yes, please keep going. Please.
“Next time,” Yamapi murmurs, kissing him on the throat. “We can do it in the backseat next time if you want.”
Koyama wants to tease him, want to ask if Yamapi’s planning ahead but god, all he can does is hitch his hips and thrust himself right into Yamapi’s hand and find some sort of heat, some touch and friction.
There’s a hand on his back, pulling him close and Koyama grinds down, thrusts forward, just tries to do something and then there’s Yamapi-perfect, amazing Yamapi who’s head rolls back when Koyama grinds his ass right into Yamapi’s fucking hard-on-
“I’ve thought about this for a freaking long time. You have no idea,” Yamapi groans, trying to find something in the glove compartment of the car.
“This?”
“Mmm. Usually it’s somewhere else.”
“Tell me,” Koyama murmurs, right into Yamapi’s ear with a shuddering gasp when Yamapi suddenly thrusts upwards, pitching him forward so Koyama smacks right against the steering wheel.
“I could show you.”
*
“Yeah, like that,” Koyama gasps.
Yamapi’s two fingers deep, forehead presses against Koyama’s as he chuckles, kisses Koyama on the lips, on the jaw, twists his hand, nails catching something that has Koyama gasping and whimpering. He’s barely got them out of their jeans, half the heat from leather seats on denim, half of the want from lust and lack of restraint.
“Like this?” And Yamapi drives his fingers in deeper, watching-how can he be so calm?-and waiting when Koyama nods frantically, trying to push down onto him, find the sweet spot that Yamapi’s discovered.
“Please?”
“Why are you begging?”
“Because I want you.”
“I want you too,” Yamapi confesses.
A little bit of sugar, a little bit of rush and it’s all a thrill for the two of them, another kiss, another thrust, one hand tearing open a condom packet and then a pause.
“Do you think people can see us?” Yamapi murmurs.
“It’s pretty dark out there,” Koyama replies. “Why?”
“I wonder if you’ve let anyone else see you like this,” half a question, half a statement, something Yamapi probably won’t delve into right now.
“And what about you?” Koyama says, stroking Yamapi’s face with fingertips and rubbing his thumb along the curve of his cheekbone. He takes in a steady breath, smiling faintly. “Doesn’t matter, does it? All that stuff, all the things before this.” You’re a super star, Koyama thinks. It doesn’t matter who sees-Koyama’s always going to be the only one who understands where all that shining light comes from.
And it seems, perhaps, Yamapi understands.
“Should we even be talking?” Koyama adds, whine colouring his last words when Yamapi withdraws his fingers. “I mean-”
“You always talk,” Yamapi says, right before he thrusts in-oh, like that. He kisses Koyama, mouth stifling the moan, the gasp, the sudden surprise that they’ve been prepared for. He stills, just so they can sink into the heat and take a second to get it all back together.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
Koyama nods, rocks his hips back and forth, gasps and pants escaping from the effort. He’d worry, he really would, but he doesn’t with Yamapi’s hand on his dick, with the darkness surrounding the two of them alone where the ocean waves crash upon each other and the stars shine in the sky outside the car. He stops worrying, starts falling deep in the ripples of desire, pleasure, kisses Yamapi, touches his hair, promises the world to him-
“Do you love me?” Yamapi gasps, hand tightening right around Koyama.
Koyama nods, frantic.
Yamapi thrusts upwards, starts going with the motions of it, having had enough of going along for the ride and thrusts Koyama right into his hand, tugging and pulling and fast. “Say it. Please.”
And there’s the difference, when it’s just said in passion, when it’s just said in hallways, when it’s the two of them consumed by a build up of emotion and restrained affection-
“Do you love me as well?” Koyama asks.
Yamapi grunts, making an amazing noise when Koyama tightens right around him.
“How did you do that?” he hisses, using his free hand to yank at Koyama’s hair.
Koyama tries to laugh, despite it all and lets Yamapi angle his head back for a harsh kiss. “I do love you, Tomohisa.” I can do anything because I think you’re the one I want to be beside, keeping up with you-he has a million years of confessions to say, all the things he locks away and suddenly, it’s getting harder, getting hotter, focus slipping away.
Yamapi angles his hips, hits a spot deep in Koyama that has him turning into a mess of pleas and begging for more, don’t stop, not now, yes, now, please. Yamapi’s always been somewhere in between obedient idol and charismatic friend so right now, he’s in the deep end, some mess of late acknowledged lover.
“I love you too,” and they both come, hard, with unrestrained and wordless gasps and that should be the end of it all.
It’s not-Koyama’s limp against Yamapi, leaning and almost cuddling, even when Yamapi slowly pulls out.
“I mean it,” Yamapi mutters.
Koyama smiles, snuggles his face into the crook of Yamapi’s neck and wraps an arm around his waist. “It’ll be different this time. It’s okay.”
*
“I’ve always loved you,” Yamapi says.
Koyama nods, waiting.
“I still do,” Yamapi tries.
*
“With me, you can,” Koyama says.
*
“I hate you both,” Ryo snaps. “You completely defiled my car.”
“Thank you. You’re a good friend, Ryo-chan.”
Tegoshi sits down on the couch, leans his head onto Koyama’s shoulder. “Happy, Kei-chan?”
Koyama watches Massu and Shige argue with Yamapi over the selection of bento-there’s only one with gyoza and the answer to life is clearly janken. “I’m happy,” he says.
Later, after lunch, Yamapi hugs him, calls him “Kei-chan” like it’s all back to normal. Except, really, it’s not.
It’s Koyama, it’s Yamapi, it’s the two of them reaching an understanding beyond wishes and imagination.
“Will you always keep watching me?” Yamapi asks him, wide eyes and perfect idol. “I think I need Koyama to still be there,” he’s still a guy, with a heart, still a kid with his dreams.
“I’ve always been here,” Koyama reassures. “Be a superstar, Tomohisa.” They’re both pretty amazing, Koyama thinks. They can make it, survive, love-all with consequence but it never really deters them. It doesn’t matter what they do, good or bad. “You can do anything.”
“As long as you’re there,” Yamapi reminds. “I need you there.”
They don’t get breaks up, don’t get dates-that’s something else. It’s not a boy and a boy, a guy and a girl, not really anything but-
Yamapi’s his shining star and Koyama’s his only one.