fic for tezawari
Gift fic for: tezawari
From: haruka21
Title: I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: KoyaShige
Warnings: Angst and sexy times ahead.
Summary: When a joke goes to far what will happen to their friendship?
Notes: Entirely written from Shige's POV. The title is from a My Chemical Romance song. Thanks to my beta L and to NEWSFiccon for being so understanding.
It starts out like every problem they’ve ever had does - as a stupid joke. The only difference is that this time they only ‘kind of’ started it.
They had always pushed each other into the spotlight. Always supported and promoted one another. They had even played up their friendship as something more, always making the fans wonder if they were or weren't. But in Shige's mind it was never real. That's why when somebody had suggested that they re-watch (at home, of course) the Winter Party Diamond DVD after their concert meeting in preparation for their meeting the following day, he thinks nothing of it. He just adds it to his to-do list for the night figuring that he'll just be a little sleepier the next day.
When he comes in for the meeting the next afternoon, the only thing that surprises him about the fact that only four out of the six of them had done their "homework" is the ones that did it. He's not surprised that Massu watched it. It seems like a Massu thing to do. But the fact that Yamapi and Ryo are the other two is almost shocking. Koyama makes some lame excuse about not being able to find his copy and Tegoshi acts as if no one really expected him to do it, which Shige thinks is probably true.
When it starts, Shige still thinks nothing of it. If anything, he thinks it's funny.
"I can't believe how gay you and Koyama are on the DVD. I mean saying ‘I love you’ like that. I don't think even Yassu would act that gay," Ryo comments as he takes his seat at the table while they wait for the rest of the staff to come in.
It takes Shige a moment to remember what he is talking about and it's not until he actually glances over at Koyama's face and sees the half smile and embarrassed expression that it comes back to him.
"Oh, you mean when Koyama said he loved me and I said I love you back? What's the big deal? We do love each other," Shige says without a second thought.
"Yeah, but saying it like that could give people the wrong idea don't you think?" Yamapi asks jumping into the conversation.
Shige looks at them both skeptically. This was almost too much. Not only had two of the least invested members followed through on their self-assigned homework, they had also watched the documentary, something Shige himself hadn't bothered to do since that hadn't been the point of the exercise.
"Koyama and I don't have a problem with our love for each other. We know what we mean. Right Koyama?" Shige asks thinking nothing of the nervous little laugh Koyama gives as he answers because the room is starting to fill up.
"No, of course not," Koyama says, "I don't care if everybody knows that I love Shige." Koyama says his voice getting softer as he gets more nervous.
Some of the female staff chuckle at the declaration as everyone finally takes their seats but it's time to get down to business so no one remarks on it and they go straight into the meeting.
In the following days he proceeds to tell Koyama that he loves him numerous times. At first it's just to spite Ryo and Pi. He didn't like the implication they had made. They all did fan service stuff and there was nothing wrong with him and Koyama doing a little. But soon it became more about the cute look on Koyama's face when he said it, that made him keep at it. It seemed like no matter how many times he said it Koyama would blush and get this goofy smile that always made Shige smile too.
After a week though Koyama’s smiles start to falter and the day after that, much to Ryo and Pi's snickering joy, Koyama starts to frown and ignore him whenever he says it. Shige's not sure why he keeps saying it. Even now, as he says it again, and Koyama ignores him, in favor of packing his things up after a long day, he’s not sure why. All he can think about is forcing Koyama to turn his head and look at him and answer him like he did before.
"Why won’t you answer me?" Shige whines.
"I told you before I don't like this joke anymore."
It's the same answer Shige had received the last few times he'd tried. Shige had let it go at that before,since the others had been there, but they were alone now and Shige felt like if he could just get Koyama to say it one more time then that would be enough and he could let the whole thing go.
"Since when is my love for you a joke?" The words had been light almost teasing in his head but when they left his mouth he surprised himself by how serious he sounded. It was like he hadn't realized until now how rejected he had been feeling when Koyama refused to answer.
“Don't keep doing this OK?” was Koyama's reply as he zipped his bag.
“What am I doing? What's with you?”
Koyama doesn't answer him he just slings his bag over his shoulder and leaves the room.
Shige doesn't like this, it feels wrong. It feels like he's causing problems where none existed. He knows he should let it go but some part of needs to hear it one more time.
He decides that tonight isn't the night that it's going to happen though and hurriedly grabs his stuff so that he can follow Koyama and clear the air between them.
That night they have a late dinner together. It hadn't even taken Shige the whole elevator ride down to the parking garage to change Koyama's mood.
Later, though, when Shige goes to sleep he dreams of Koyama.
In the dream he's chasing him. The locations in his mind change over and over, things try and distract him but the urge to catch Koyama is stronger. When Shige finally latches onto Koyama's wrist Koyama stops and smiles at him. And it’s a smile with such a sweet and honest quality to it. Shige lets his hand slide down from Koyama’s wrist and entwines their fingers. Koyama smiles down at their joined hands. Then Shige is running again, pulling Koyama along with him.
He has a purpose but it's more of a feeling than something he can name. He doesn't notice at first but he realizes that people are now chasing after them.
Shige ducks into an alcove and pulls Koyama close. They’re totally inside each other’s personal space but it feels right. Koyama seems about to say something but Shige shushes him as their pursuers run past their hiding spot. Shige can't help looking into Koyama's eyes, they’re intense and begging him for something. He lifts his head and seeks out Koyama's mouth. His lips feel soft and warm against his own. He nips at them and feels Koyama's breath mingle with his own as he opens his mouth and kisses him back fervently.
Suddenly Koyama breaks away and begins to cry. When Shige glances around he sees they’re not alone anymore and they’re no longer hidden in the alcove. They’re now outside in the open, surrounded by people who are pointing and watching as Koyama continues to cry.
He wakes up with a jolt throwing his arms up, as something falls from his nightstand when he knocks it with his arm. Shige rolls over onto his back, his breathing uneven.
At first he can't stop thinking about the way Koyama was crying and what that could mean but then his mind strays from that thought because his hands can still feel Koyama's body heat and his tongue can still remember the way Koyama's felt sliding against it.
It's weird because he's never thought about Koyama that way before, let alone any other guy. Instead of being grossed out though, he just feels kind of weirdly good like when you start a new relationship or are excited about something. It’s like he has a special secret that only he knows. Without thinking he lets his mind wander back to Koyama's kiss and how good it felt. He's not hard but he knows if he keeps going keeps letting his mind wander down this new path he will be without much effort and it's as he starts to contemplate masturbating to thoughts of his friend that he realizes that he's not thinking clearly. He must be still half asleep because these aren't normal thoughts.
A small part of him thinks ‘what's the big deal?’ these are just dreams and fantasies but the rest of him is disturbed by the fact that even a small part of him is willing to give up on heterosexuality so easily. The small part tries some argument about humans being animals but the rest of Shige isn't hearing it and after a moment more of refusing to consider that argument Shige decides to check the time. He reaches for his phone and it’s only after searching in vain for a couple of minutes that he realizes that it was the thing that he had knocked onto the bed earlier.
He's not really shocked to discover that it's 4:30am but he's afraid of what will happen if he goes back to sleep. So it doesn't take him long to decide that fishing is a great idea. And in an effort to erase the memories of something that doesn't even really exist, he gets up, gets dressed, grabs his gear and heads out.
Shige decides to let the sea take his thoughts away while he tries to focus on fishing. He plans on not letting his mind wander back to the dream or even to try and interpret it. The first half hour is the hardest but eventually he’s no longer aware of what he is trying to forget and he relaxes and enjoys himself so much he loses track of time.
When he realizes he's going to be late for work he makes a mad dash home to stow the fish and shower and change. He decides the fish that he caught mean more to him than any bitching he'll receive for being a little late. And besides being late is better than arriving smelling like fish. He'd never hear the end of that either.
He catches a break when their manager calls to let him know that they are holding the meeting because Nishikido's filming is running behind. If it had been any other member, including Yamapi, they would have started without him but they had tried that with Ryo in the past and it just didn’t work. Ryo would arrive, tear down everything they decided on without him and they would have to go over it all again. So they had decided it was a better use of every ones time just to wait on him when at all possible.
Most of the group had decided to stay in the meeting room and wait, only Tegoshi was missing and Shige thought he heard the sound of someone with a ball down the hall. He quietly takes his place on the sofa next to Koyama who was immersed in his newspaper. He had decided on his way in that avoiding Koyama today would only make things worse.
“You’re late,” Koyama states not bothering to look up.
“Yeah, I know,” Shige responds, pulling his laptop out of his bag and making himself comfortable.
They each continue to do their own thing in quiet harmony and Shige starts to think it won’t be that hard to move on from the dream after all, but as soon as he thinks it he realizes he doesn't want to forget it that easily. He hadn't really thought about it all day but it was always lurking in the back of his mind like a bizarre little bubble of happiness. He knows it's stupid to feel this way but he can't help it. He glances to his side at Koyama's thigh so close to his own. If he just moved his leg a little they would be touching. He almost does it but he just can't.
Shige steals a look at Koyama's face. It doesn't make his stomach flip or his heart race, all he really thinks is how cute he looks when he concentrates. Nothing that different to yesterday.
And with that he concludes that it's the way his dream made him feel, as opposed to how Koyama makes him feel, that he was obsessing over all day. It's weird and it doesn't really make sense but somehow it seems like enough and Shige feels like he can finally let it go and separate the two feelings. He turns his attention back to his computer letting himself get lost in his own world until their meeting starts.
“Sir, we've made it to the co-ordinates. Would you like me to stop the engines?”
“What are you talking about Ryo? Why are we out here?” Shige couldn't understand what they were doing on this tug boat and why was Ryo so gross? He looked like he hadn't showered in weeks and he smelled like it too.
“Well sir,” Ryo said making ‘sir’ sound like it was synonymous for ‘shit for brains’, “You asked us to bring you out to where she was last seen.”
“Where who was last seen?”
“The fish, the fish!” Ryo yells, “I mean really!” He mumbles loudly enough to be heard, “Why do I always ended up with the stupid ones?”
Before Shige could find a retort, Koyama comes running up behind him and bumps into him slightly, “Shige I don't like this. Can we not do this?” Koyama pleads. The terror on his face clearly evident in his voice as well.
“Koyama what is going on? Where are we? What's wrong with Ryo? Why is he dressed like that? Why doesn't he know who I am?”
“Shige ... please,” Koyama begs, ignoring all of Shige’s questions, “Let's not do this. I really think something bad is going to happen.”
“Damn it Koyama what the hell is going on? What are you even talking about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!”
“Shige why aren't you listening to me?” Tears of panic start to form in Koyama's eyes and he grabs Shige and starts to shake him, “I'm not ready for this. I think something bad is going to happen. Please Shige, please,” and he adds, with a heart wrenching sob, “Don't make me do this.”
Shige is so horrified by Koyama's state, he's rendered almost speechless. He's seen Koyama scared before but nothing ever approaching this intensity.
He still doesn't understand what is going but he instinctively moves to comfort Koyama. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. He starts to make comforting noises and strokes his hair in what he hopes is a soothing way but Koyama struggles against him and pulls free from Shige's arms. Shige notices a guy who looks a lot like Tegoshi, though without a shirt and sporting a weird tattoo of a small dog that kind of looks like Teeny, approach Ryo.
“Cap’n we've spotted ‘er, if we are going to catch ‘er we bet’er get’n position now.”
“Shige, Shige, Shige it's here why did you do this to me? Hurry Shige! Let's go to the dingy! Maybe if we leave the ship now we can still be safe.”
Shige let himself be pulled to the back of the boat where he assumed the dingy is. He's curious about this giant fish but he's more concerned about Koyama.
When they reached the end of the deck where you could access the water, a large commotion can be heard from the front of the boat. Shige looked towards it hoping to get a glimpse of the fish but it had only been another crewman, a dirty looking version of Yamapi who had disturbed some the crew’s gear when he knocked it over with his hook arm.
A sudden pull on his left hand draws his attention back to Koyama who has hold of it. Shige has to brace himself to keep from falling over board as he looks down to see if Koyama has tripped.
What he sees instead takes his breath away completely.
Lying on the wooden deck was half of Koyama's body. Something had severed him from the waist down. The look of shock that Koyama must have experienced as it happened was still visible on his face. Tears from Shige's own eyes mingle with the ones in Koyama's as he kneels over his body and takes him into his arms. Shige let out a wail of anguish.
Suddenly Shige is awake and gasping for air. The large gulps he's taking seem to refuse to fill his lungs. He realizes he's crying when he tries to wipe the sweat from his face and feels the wetness on his cheeks. He has nightmares sometimes but they are usually about ghosts or inanimate objects coming to life. This is different though. He'd really felt like he'd lost Koyama.
He knew it was a dream but he had to speak to him even if it was just to hear him get annoyed at him for calling in the middle of the night. Shige grabs his phone and quickly dials Koyama's number. He can feel his hands shaking. He tries calm himself down before Koyama picks up the phone but he can't quite stop crying.
“SSSHHHIIIIIIIIIGGGEEEEEEE!” Koyama says in a loud happy voice, presumably having checked his caller id on his cellphone before he answered.
Shige can hear from all the background noise that Koyama is definitely not alone and that he's at some club or some kind of party. He doesn't know what to say. He hadn't had a plan when he'd called. His only mission had been to confirm that Koyama was not really that disturbingly vivid corpse from his dream.
He knew what he really wants to do, he wants to ask Koyama to come over to his house. He wants Koyama to hold him in his arms and comfort him to tell him that he was just being silly because it was only a dream, that he was alive and well and nothing like that could ever happen.
But how could he? They didn't have that kind of relationship. Sure if he was hurt Koyama would come running but what he wants is something you can only ask of a lover and ...
“Shige? Are you there?”
“Koyaaamaa-san who are you talking to?” A high female voice asks from the background.
Involuntarily a small choked sob escapes and Shige quickly pushes end on his call. It hadn't even occurred to him that he might be interrupting something, that Koyama would be busy with someone else. His phone starts to vibrate in his hand. A knot of panic begins to form in his stomach. He can't answer it.
Right now he can't even stop crying. What could he say? ‘Sorry to interrupt you while your sexing up some slut but I had a bad dream and I want you to come over and make me feel better’? No, clearly he wouldn't be what Koyama wanted right now. He didn't have the right equipment. Shige throws his phone down on his bed and just gives in and cries. His bed intermittently vibrates as he weeps into his pillow and when it stops, he cries even harder.
Shige walks into the meeting room sporting a pair of large black sunglasses. He'd only gotten about an hour’s more fitful sleep after that phone call and even after a shower this morning his eyes still gave away that he'd spent the better part of the night crying.
Apparently he was the second to arrive, the first being Koyama who is on him before he's even made it all the way into the room.
“Shige I tried to call you back last night what happened?”
“What do you mean?” Shige had practiced his excuse on the way to work. He was using all of acting skills to give his voice just the right inflection when he spoke but he could tell from Koyama's face that he wasn't being totally convincing.
“You called me last night.”
“No, I didn't.”
“Yes you did, and when I tried to call you back you never picked up.”
“Oh, you know what, I bet I know what happened. I found my iPhone in my bed this morning. I must have called you by accident. You know how iPhone's can be,” Shige knew that Koyama didn't know how iPhone's were, which is exactly why he'd thought this idea might have worked. He could tell it hadn't.
“Shige I can't beli ...”
“Good morning Shige, Koyama,” came Massu's low morning voice as he entered the room. Shige was happy for the distraction and responded in kind.
But Koyama used that moment to whisper in Shige's ear, “I heard you on the phone.”
Shige's lack of sleep and overloaded emotions were taking there toll on him.
“I didn't fucking call you! OK? Just leave me the hell alone!”
Massu gives Koyama a look - ‘what the hell crawled up his ass?‘ but instead of responding with a sympathetic look - ‘I know’, Massu gets more of a - ‘mind your own fucking business’ message, so he moves his bag and takes himself off to a corner away from the crazy.
Shige flings himself onto the couch. He doesn't understand what he's doing or why he is treating Koyama this way. Koyama is right, he called him. He'd wanted him there last night but he hadn't come, he'd been with some stupid bitch who he'd probably fucked senseless and left before she even got cold.
“Shige,” Koyama says carefully, “Don't be mad. You’re probably right, it probably was that iPhone thing.”
“Don’t patronize me Koyama! You already said you didn't believe me.”
“Come on Shige, don't be like this.”
Shige realizes that how big of a wreck he is is clearly evident, because Koyama is only ever this patronizing and accommodating when he thinks Shige really needs to be right.
Knowing that he's got to at least appear civil or the meeting today, their last for almost a week, will get nowhere, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his nerves.
“Koyama how about you do me a favor?” Shige can still hear the tension in his own voice but he continues, “Just let me sleep until all the other members get here and then I’ll be good as new.”
“OK,” Koyama says still using that overly agreeable tone, “Whatever you need.”
Shige doesn't wait to see if Koyama has anymore to add he puts his legs up on the couch and turns his face away from the room.
“Aren't you going to take off your glasses?”
Shige doesn't reply. He just lies all the way down and rests his head on the arm rest. He had only planned to lie there but in a surprisingly short amount of time he's asleep.
He can hear them talking about him. It's Massu and Koyama and they are arguing over whether or not the meeting should be rescheduled.
“Look Koyama, I've known Shige just as long as you have and he wouldn't want us to push this meeting back. And even if we wanted to, we can't. It has to be today in order to fit around everyone’s schedule.”
“What's this bullshit about Shige being too mental to have our meeting?” Shige hears Ryo grumble as he enters the room.
Shige wishes he could disappear. If he didn't know he'd regret the consequences he'd just let them decide his fate while he kept pretending to be asleep.
“I'm not 'too mental’ to have our meeting,” Shige says his voice still husky with sleep.
He realizes as he turns over that the reason their voices had woken him was because they'd all gathered where Koyama was standing to argue, and Koyama had been guarding him like a human shield.
All five turn their attention to Shige upon hearing his voice, ”And Massu is right. I don't want to reschedule anything. Koyama's just overreacting.”
Shige glances at the members to see their reactions to his words. Koyama looks hurt and Massu looks triumphant, the rest just look relieved.
“When,“ Koyama says in a quiet voice, “have I ever overreacted about work?”
Massu’s look of triumph melts away at Koyama's words to be replaced with a look of doubt. Ryo also starts to look less sure. The other two look like they just want to believe Shige.
Tegoshi decides now is the time to put his two cents in and what he says is both helpful and clearly self motivated, “Shige knows himself best. It's up to him whether or not he thinks he can work.”
“I agree,” Yamapi adds, “I wouldn't want anyone to force me not to work if I said I could”.
“Then it's settled,” Shige says standing up and straightening his shirt, “Lets start the meeting.”
Koyama looks like he wants to argue but when all the others start to move into position around the table and Massu let's the rest of the staff know they are ready, he gives up, taking a position close to Shige's side.
Shige still isn't really sure what he's doing or what's wrong with him. He knows that it has to be more than the dream that's bothering him but he's afraid of what he'll see if he looks too closely, so his main goal for now is to just to get through this meeting in a productive fashion and then get the hell out of there. He knows if he doesn't lay out his ideas during this meeting they wont be able to be considered since construction will be underway by the time they meet again. And with that in mind Shige shifts his concentration to the meeting and tries to forget everything else.
By the time they break for lunch Koyama's confidence in Shige's well being has apparently improved enough that, instead of giving him sidelong looks carefully watching for Shige’s impending meltdown, he's moved on to babying him and trying to raise his spirits.
Since lunch is catered they all end up eating together in the same room and by the time lunch is over Koyama has everyone cracking up and joining in. The mood now is so much lighter than when they first gathered to start back that it is almost unbelievable that they are the same group of people.
When they break again several hours later Shige almost feels normal again. He's not forcing himself anymore. He wants to laugh and smile and knows that he owes all of that to Koyama. Shige can't help but think how lucky he is to have someone like Koyama in his life. Some one that cares enough to ...
“Shige,” Koyama says with a flirty laugh, “Shige, I love you.”
And all at once all the happiness Shige had just been feeling is gone.
“Hey you two, get a room!” Yamapi yells from across the room.
“Oi Shige, aren't you going to answer my feelings?” Koyama asks.
Shige tries to keep his tone light but he knows he's failed but he hopes his voice doesn’t betray the tears that are threatening to fall. He knows if they do the stupid sunglasses that he’s obstinately kept on all day will hide them from view. “Koyama that joke isn't funny anymore.”
Ryo bursts into laughter and he and Yamapi start making jokes about them getting divorced.
Shige doesn't look at them or at Koyama. He can't. He keeps his eyes trained on a snack wrapper that some one has left on the table. He reads it over and over again never actually comprehending what it says as he tries to get his emotions together.
When the staff finally call them back to restart he reads it one more time finally registering what it says ‘Same great taste in an all new wrapper’. If he had any humor left in him he might have laughed.
Shige throws himself down on his bed. He feels totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. He'd rushed out after they'd finally finished. Now all he wanted to do was sleep.
It’s dark and he's all alone. Nobody cares, nobody understand how he feels. He starts to cry and the tears pour down his cheeks.
He doesn't feel him at first. The touch is too light, too unobtrusive. But when he takes him in his arms Shige can feel it immediately. It’s a feeling of comfort and love. He buries his head in Koyama's neck and lets him stroke his hair. Shige already feels better. He doesn't need to cry anymore. He's found the one person who understands him the one person that loves him the way that he is.
But it's all wrong. They aren't suppose to feel this way about each other. They don't get to be together. Shige starts to pull away.
“Wait, Shige,” Koyama whispers as he pulls him in close. Then the only thing in Shige's world are Koyama's lips warm and confident on his own. Hungry for as much of him as he'll let him take, Shige moans when Koyama's tongue laps it's way into his mouth. There is an urgency to his kisses but the quality never falters.
They pull apart each taking large gulps of air.
“Shige,” Koyama says, his desire and his want evident in his voice and his eyes, “Just for tonight let’s forget who we are and be who we want to be.”
Shige can only nod. He feels like at this moment if Koyama asked him to follow him to hell he would.
Koyama brings his lips back to Shige’s and kisses him with more passion and Shige throws himself into it as well trying to make up for all of the nights that won’t come after this one.
Their clothes melt away and they are on a bed now. Shige runs his hands all over Koyama's smooth tan skin. His palms tingle with the almost electric sexual heat it gives off. And the slick heat of Koyama's tongue as he works his way down Shige's chest is setting him on fire.
When Koyama goes lower and lower, and reaches his groin the world stops. He feels the heat of Koyama's breath then the hot wetness of Koyama's tongue as it slides from the base of his cock to the tip. When Shige moans he repeats it again, then encircles the tip with his whole mouth, sucking on the head.
Shige thrusts his hips up trying to get more. More of this new sensation. More of this closeness. More of Koyama's heat. He can feel his orgasm building. He chants Koyama's name, still bucking up to meet him but no matter how hard he tries he can't quite meet him the way that he wants.
He comes anyway with an unintentional ‘I love you Kei’ as he does. Shige worries about what Koyama will think about his ‘I love you’ but more than that there is a weird feeling of discomfort in his lower region. Shige reaches out to Koyama but nothing is there.
He looks around the room. He's alone again in the dark and he finally recognizes that he's in his bedroom. It takes him a moment to fully understand where he is and what is going on. The mess in his boxers helps him clear things up faster than anything else. Somehow he's not surprised that it turned out this way. He doesn't even bother to clean himself properly, he just uses a couple of tissues out of the box on the nightstand and changes his underwear.
Shige spends the next two days lying in bed. He doesn't shower. He doesn't eat. Doesn't answer his phone. He doesn't do anything but lie there and think about how fucked up his life is. And when he can't keep his eyes open a second longer he dreams.
It's the afternoon of the third day when Koyama comes knocking. After repeatedly ignoring his calls Shige had finally texted him the previous night saying that he was fine and asking just to be left alone.
The intercom chimes twice but Shige doesn't move. He's has no plans to get it. Whoever it is hadn't even called first to see if he was home, so why should he care if they are inconvenienced by him not being there.
When there’s a knock on the door he still doesn't move. Maybe it's someone from maintenance. He tries to be extra quiet. If they can't hear him then maybe they will go away. But as he lies there it occurs to him that if it is the maintenance people (and really it had to be to get through the security doors) they probably have a key to his apartment and will just let themselves in if they think he's not home.
He stinks, he's not wearing proper clothes and he doesn't even want to think about what his hair looks like but that will just make it easier to say ‘I'm sick can you please come back later’.
Shige only opens the door a crack trying to let as little of his person be seen as possible. When he sees Koyama standing there instead of some uncaring handyman he almost slams the door shut by reflex.
“How did you get through the security door?”
“One of your neighbors let me in. Shige, can I come in?”
There is a frown on Koyama's face and Shige realizes he must look worse than he thought.
“I'd rather you didn't,” he says looking down at his bare feet, “I don't feel well.”
“Please,” is all Koyama says in response.
Shige's not sure what to do. He's not ready for this. He was suppose to have two more days. Two more days to get his emotions under control and squash down these feelings.
He's not sure what will happen if he let's Koyama in. What if he breaks down?
“I think it's a bad idea,” Shige says starting to make the small opening even smaller, “We can talk at the meeting,” and he lets the door shut.
“Shige ... Shige,” Koyama pleads through door as he knocks, “What did I do? How can I fix this?”
“You didn't do anything, there isn't anything to fix,” Shige answers.
“Then why am I talking to you through your door? Why can't I come inside? Shige we aren't like this. This isn't us.”
“Please just give me until the meeting in two days,” he begs, “Then everything will be OK.”
Shige can feel his eyes welling up with tears.
“It wont be OK Shige! This is ridiculous! I'm not leaving until you let me in.”
Shige just stands there and lets the tears fall. When had he become like this? So tired and weak, so emotionally overwrought. Recently it feels like his whole world has been turned upside down and no matter how hard he tries he can't put it right again.
Slowly Shige opens the door. Koyama looks surprised as he gets a proper look at his face but he doesn't comment, he just moves inside quickly and takes off his shoes.
Shige heads to the living room and lays down on his couch. It feels like nothing can ever be good again. During these days of self pity he had finally opened Pandora's box and admitted to himself that he was in love with Koyama, that he had been in love with Koyama for some time. That apparently he was in love with Koyama so much that his subconscious refused to let him ignore it any longer.
While he was lying in bed he had analyzed his actions and reactions over and over again. And now he finally saw things clearly and honestly instead of turning a blind eye to them like he had so many times before.
He hears Koyama approaching the couch and he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at him just yet.
“Shige,” Koyama says and Shige can tell by his voice that he's very close but he is still surprised when his hand gently brushes through his hair. Shige stubbornly keeps his eyes closed.
“Don't cry,” he says in a soft voice, “It will be OK. Just tell what's wrong and I promise I'll help you.”
Things will never be OK again Shige thinks to himself. Koyama has no idea what he is saying. No idea how Shige has ruined everything by falling in love with him. Shige's only answer is to cry harder.
“Come here Shige,” Koyama says pulling him into his arms. And Shige lets himself be pulled into Koyama's embrace. He buries his face in his shoulder and cries because he'll never be what Koyama wants. He cries because this might be the last time they are close like this. And he cries because even if he wants to keep trying to hide it from Koyama, he knows that he will tell him tonight. He has to tell him that he loves him and when Koyama rejects him he doesn't think he will ever be able to get over it.
They sit that way for a long time. Shige’s not sure how long but Koyama had continued to hold and comfort him long after he had stopped crying. The air in the room had taken on a stillness that made it seem like time had stopped and he could hear Koyama's heart beating from where his ear pressed against his shoulder. He actually felt better. It wasn't like all of his problems were solved or he didn't know that tonight was going to end badly but he had felt so lost lately so on the edge of falling off the deep end that even a little attention was a major comfort. He wasn't in any hurry though, to pull away or talk it out.
“Shige?” Koyama asked softly, like he thought maybe he had fallen asleep.
“Uhn,” Shige grunted.
“You stink.”
There was a pause of dead silence then Shige let out a croaky laugh.
“Thanks” he said in a hoarse voice.
“Come with me,” Koyama says getting to his feet. Shige can only groan as Koyama pulls him up by his wrists and drags him to the bathroom.
“Take your clothes off,” Koyama says as he gets some towels and turns on the water heater. When he comes back into changing room Shige is still dressed and just standing there watching him.
“Are you going to get undressed or do I have to help you with that too?” Koyama asks as he starts to take his own pants off.
“What ... are you doing?”
“What does it look like I'm doing? I am going to give you a bath.”
“Then why are you taking your clothes off?”
“So I don't get wet. What? I'm still wearing my underwear.”
“Koyama I don't need you to give me a bath. I can ...”
“It's fine Shige,” Koyama says simply, ignoring him and pulling his shirt over his head.
When Koyama makes for his boxers he just grinds out, “Fine,“ as those are removed too.
Koyama pulls him, now naked, into the shower area of his bathroom and sits him down on the small stool kept near the bath. It feels weird to be in his own bathroom with Koyama like this. Koyama has washed his back for him before but it was usually in a large bath or at his mother's house when he was younger. There is a privacy here that is very different from those other places.
Without any preamble, Koyama turns on the water and gently runs it over his back. Once Shige is completely wet, including his hair, he hangs the shower head up and starts to lather shampoo in his hair. Koyama's hands massage the shampoo into his scalp in small circular motions that feels so good he might melt. Shige can't help but lean in to it.
“Does it feel good?” Koyama asks him with a smile in his voice as a shiver runs through his body.
“Uh hun,” Shige says afraid if he says more his voice will let Koyama know exactly how good he's starting to feel.
“Lean your head back,” Koyama says as he cups his hand on Shige's forehead and runs water in his hair. He conditions his hair in the same way but it's faster and not quite as arousing.
When the washcloth touches his back Shige feels relief wash over him. Koyama had picked one of the abrasive ones that he uses to scrub his skin instead of a soft cloth. If Shige concentrates on the rough fabric he'll only have lose his dignity once tonight.
But of course nothing in his life can ever be easy and when Koyama lathers the body soap on the cloth it's just the right amount painful pleasure. Koyama moves his hands in maddening circles that go lower and lower with every pass his hand makes. Shige squeezes his legs shut trying to hide his hard on.
Next, Koyama discards the cloth and begins to massage the soap with his bare hands. Shige can't ever remember Koyama doing that before but the way his long fingers caress him is too nice for him to worry about it further.
“Do you like it Shige?” Shige doesn't bother to try to articulate a response he just lets his eyes drift close and moans as an answer.
“OK, I'm finished with the back. Lets do the front.”
Shige's eyes pop open and he clenches thighs even tighter.
“Wha ... what the hell are you talking about? Why would you need to do the front? I ...”
“Shige,” Koyama says facing him his eyes dark as he takes one of Shige's hands into his own, “I want you too,” he says and then he pushes Shige's hand into his clothed erection.
Shige stares at him opened mouth not sure what to say. He doesn't move, he doesn't know what to do. He feels it though, like it's burning his hand. Hot and hard, similar to his own but so very different. It's not the first time he'd ever touched it but it was never hard like this and he'd never done it on purpose.
Shige gives him an experimental squeeze.
“Ahn ... Shige,” Koyama moans softly. Shige likes the way his name sounds when Koyama says it like that and he likes the way his face contorts into a look of pleasure that he's never seen before.
Hesitantly he lets his thumb trace over cotton covered hardness. He feels himself get bolder the more enticing noises Koyama makes. He's all but jerking him off and starting to contemplate sticking his hand inside Koyama's boxer briefs when Koyama's hand stills his own.
“Shige,” he says his voice deep and breathless, “If you keep doing that I wont be able to wash your front.”
Shige doesn't know what to say to that so he just lets his hand fall away from Koyama and waits. This seems to be what Koyama wants because he soon picks up the washcloth and lathers it again. He starts with Shige’s shoulders, working patterns down his chest with the soap. The scratchy cloth sends a jolt down his body every time it catches on one of his nipples.
Shige lets his hand tentatively touch Koyama's bare chest. It seems so different now. He’s full of thoughts he wouldn't have even let himself entertain before, about how soft his skin feels and wondering how it would taste.
Koyama puts down the washcloth again and puts a large quantity of soap in his hand. At first Shige thinks he's just going to soap up his legs, but after he reaches his knees his hands continue up and start to gently soap the outer part of his thighs.
The teasing caress of Koyama's hands has Shige unconsciously parting his legs and his cock springs free, begging for Koyama's touch.
Still Koyama continues to soap his thighs, now soaping the insides rather than touching the one part that wants his touch the most - the part that is throbbing and leaking and begging for his hands.
“Oh God Kei, please just touch me.”
And he does and Shige almost comes from the contact. Koyama's soap slicked hands sliding up and down his shaft bringing him to a new ecstasy. He wants to let go and just come but he wants feel Koyama let go too.
He pulls at Koyama's underwear and tries to pull them off but Koyama just bats his hands away.
“At least take off your underwear. It's not fair that I'm the only one naked.”
“If I take them off I wont get to finish cleaning you.”
“I don't care if you finish cleaning me.”
“But I want to take care of you.”
Shige stops and lets that sink in. He'd been so busy letting Koyama ‘take care of him’ he hadn't really looked at things clearly.
What exactly were they doing?
Shige didn't necessarily want to stop but he wasn't looking for pity either. Was this just some new weird extension of their friendship? Was Koyama actually turned on by him or was he imagining he was with someone else while he bathed him and was that why he didn't want to be touched.
“Koyama ... what exactly is this? Why do you need to take care of me?” Shige asks letting all of his newly found fears show in his voice.
“Because - I love you.”
Shige wants to believe that Koyama means that in a way that is so much more than the joking confessions they had shared, but how could he?
“Shige, I thought you would never return my feelings. But the way you’ve been acting lately, and then when you wouldn't say you loved me back - I, I thought maybe there was a small chance that you loved me the way I loved you. Shige. I'll always care about you, no matter what your answer is but I'm right aren’t I? You’re in love with me at least a little bit, aren't you?”
“So, you’re saying that you love me?” Shige repeats not believing his ears.
Koyama looks nervous but nods.
“And you've been in love with me for some time?”
Koyama licks his lips like his mouth has gone dry but still responds without faltering, “Yes.”
Shige is once again stunned into silence. This was the last thing he had expected. It was hard to know what to do.
“What about that girl?”
“What girl?” Koyama asks his brow furrowing.
“The one I heard the night I called you - and hung up.”
“So you admit you called me!”
“Of course I called you. What about her?”
“What her?”
“The one that was all 'Koyamaaaaa-san?'” Shige says making his voice high.
Koyama chuckles but quickly answers, “I'm not sure who that was but there is nobody that I’m with or that I even think about the way I think about you.”
“Then why can't I touch you?”
“I already told you why.”
“You really want me?”
“Shige you know I want you.”
Shige knows what he wants to say but Koyama's open declarations of love seem to be making it harder instead of easier.
“Is it OK if I kiss you?”
Koyama nods and Shige leans in to gently press their lips together. It's weird considering they’ve both explored parts of each others bodies that they have never touched before tonight, but this kiss feels right. It feels like it's the beginning of a new chapter in their lives that they are about to start together.
There is strangeness to kissing his best friend but it also feels good. Shige breaks the kiss after a moment. He knows Koyama is waiting for him to respond and he knows the longer he waits the harder it will be.
The three little words that started it all were now part of the gateway to their new life together. There doesn't seem to be an easy way to say I love you. So Shige just says it.
“I love you too.”
Koyama pulls him back in almost before the word have fully left his mouth. His kiss is passionate like he's trying to let Shige know exactly how long he has been waiting to hear Shige tell him that.
Shige lets his hands roam Koyama's body while his tongue turns his brains into mush.
When Shige's hands find their way to the waistband of Koyama's underwear again he just moans into Shige's mouth. When Shige slowly pulls them down and takes Koyama in hand, he doesn't try to stop him. He lets his hand slide up and down Koyama's length enjoying Koyama’s instant reaction as he trembles in his hand.
Koyama's hands return to Shige's own need and it feels like it's a battle to see who will lose control first.
Shige feels like he's at a disadvantage because Koyama already has him quite worked up but he tries to keep the rhythm they are making together.
Too soon Shige’s senses start to overload and he loses the ability to do anything but feel. Koyama seems to understand this and breaks their kiss, pulling him closer. He joins their hands together and takes both of them in hand. They moan in unison as their cocks meet for the first time. The extra heat pulsating against his own inflamed flesh feels so good.
Shige knows he's not reciprocating the way he wants to but it's taking all his resolve to try and not come until he thinks Koyama is ready. But his control is slipping as Koyama makes use of the only areas of Shige's body not covered in soap. He starts nipping and sucking on his ears and neck until Shige thinks he might go crazy from all the stimulation.
“Come for me Shige” Koyama breathes in his ear as he strokes them faster, “I want to see what my hands make you feel.” His hot breath and even hotter words combined with the increased speed of his hand make it impossible for Shige to hold out any longer. With a moan that vibrates off the walls and bounces around the small room, Shige comes all over their joined hands.
Koyama guides him back against the wall without breaking contact. He continues to whisper heated words into Shige's ear but Shige is to busy feeling to understand. He does recognize the moment though when he feels Koyama begin to tense up and he soon comes with a loud moan as well.
Shige holds the door open for Koyama as they enter the meeting room. They’re not the first but Tegoshi and Massu are too preoccupied with there own things to do more than acknowledge them as they arrive.
They sit close together on a couch. Shige immediately leans his head on Koyama's shoulder while he pulls out his newspaper. Shige is more than happy to sit just like this occasionally reading snippets of some article that catches his eye while they wait.
Yamapi arrives 5 minutes before the meeting is scheduled to start. Seeing the surprised looks he blurts out, “I had an interview down the hall before this. I trust everyone made good use of their solo time.”
Shige gives Koyama sideways look and smiles.
“I see those two have made up and are gayer than ever,” Ryo observes as he walks through the door.
“No gayer than you in that pudding movie,” Yamapi says and everybody but Ryo laughs.
He looks a little hurt but Yamapi shoves him in a playful way and Ryo retorts, “At least I'm not some loser anorexic boxer.”
“Hey!” Pi says, “Joe is a national icon.”
“Who said I was talking about your movie character?”
They keep trading barbs as they move to the meeting table basically announcing that now they have arrived the meeting can start.
Shige sighs and moves to get up but Koyama pulls him back and whispers so that no one else will hear, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Hurry up you two lovebirds,” Ryo snipes from across the room. Shige just smiles.
From: haruka21
Title: I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: KoyaShige
Warnings: Angst and sexy times ahead.
Summary: When a joke goes to far what will happen to their friendship?
Notes: Entirely written from Shige's POV. The title is from a My Chemical Romance song. Thanks to my beta L and to NEWSFiccon for being so understanding.
It starts out like every problem they’ve ever had does - as a stupid joke. The only difference is that this time they only ‘kind of’ started it.
They had always pushed each other into the spotlight. Always supported and promoted one another. They had even played up their friendship as something more, always making the fans wonder if they were or weren't. But in Shige's mind it was never real. That's why when somebody had suggested that they re-watch (at home, of course) the Winter Party Diamond DVD after their concert meeting in preparation for their meeting the following day, he thinks nothing of it. He just adds it to his to-do list for the night figuring that he'll just be a little sleepier the next day.
When he comes in for the meeting the next afternoon, the only thing that surprises him about the fact that only four out of the six of them had done their "homework" is the ones that did it. He's not surprised that Massu watched it. It seems like a Massu thing to do. But the fact that Yamapi and Ryo are the other two is almost shocking. Koyama makes some lame excuse about not being able to find his copy and Tegoshi acts as if no one really expected him to do it, which Shige thinks is probably true.
When it starts, Shige still thinks nothing of it. If anything, he thinks it's funny.
"I can't believe how gay you and Koyama are on the DVD. I mean saying ‘I love you’ like that. I don't think even Yassu would act that gay," Ryo comments as he takes his seat at the table while they wait for the rest of the staff to come in.
It takes Shige a moment to remember what he is talking about and it's not until he actually glances over at Koyama's face and sees the half smile and embarrassed expression that it comes back to him.
"Oh, you mean when Koyama said he loved me and I said I love you back? What's the big deal? We do love each other," Shige says without a second thought.
"Yeah, but saying it like that could give people the wrong idea don't you think?" Yamapi asks jumping into the conversation.
Shige looks at them both skeptically. This was almost too much. Not only had two of the least invested members followed through on their self-assigned homework, they had also watched the documentary, something Shige himself hadn't bothered to do since that hadn't been the point of the exercise.
"Koyama and I don't have a problem with our love for each other. We know what we mean. Right Koyama?" Shige asks thinking nothing of the nervous little laugh Koyama gives as he answers because the room is starting to fill up.
"No, of course not," Koyama says, "I don't care if everybody knows that I love Shige." Koyama says his voice getting softer as he gets more nervous.
Some of the female staff chuckle at the declaration as everyone finally takes their seats but it's time to get down to business so no one remarks on it and they go straight into the meeting.
In the following days he proceeds to tell Koyama that he loves him numerous times. At first it's just to spite Ryo and Pi. He didn't like the implication they had made. They all did fan service stuff and there was nothing wrong with him and Koyama doing a little. But soon it became more about the cute look on Koyama's face when he said it, that made him keep at it. It seemed like no matter how many times he said it Koyama would blush and get this goofy smile that always made Shige smile too.
After a week though Koyama’s smiles start to falter and the day after that, much to Ryo and Pi's snickering joy, Koyama starts to frown and ignore him whenever he says it. Shige's not sure why he keeps saying it. Even now, as he says it again, and Koyama ignores him, in favor of packing his things up after a long day, he’s not sure why. All he can think about is forcing Koyama to turn his head and look at him and answer him like he did before.
"Why won’t you answer me?" Shige whines.
"I told you before I don't like this joke anymore."
It's the same answer Shige had received the last few times he'd tried. Shige had let it go at that before,since the others had been there, but they were alone now and Shige felt like if he could just get Koyama to say it one more time then that would be enough and he could let the whole thing go.
"Since when is my love for you a joke?" The words had been light almost teasing in his head but when they left his mouth he surprised himself by how serious he sounded. It was like he hadn't realized until now how rejected he had been feeling when Koyama refused to answer.
“Don't keep doing this OK?” was Koyama's reply as he zipped his bag.
“What am I doing? What's with you?”
Koyama doesn't answer him he just slings his bag over his shoulder and leaves the room.
Shige doesn't like this, it feels wrong. It feels like he's causing problems where none existed. He knows he should let it go but some part of needs to hear it one more time.
He decides that tonight isn't the night that it's going to happen though and hurriedly grabs his stuff so that he can follow Koyama and clear the air between them.
That night they have a late dinner together. It hadn't even taken Shige the whole elevator ride down to the parking garage to change Koyama's mood.
Later, though, when Shige goes to sleep he dreams of Koyama.
In the dream he's chasing him. The locations in his mind change over and over, things try and distract him but the urge to catch Koyama is stronger. When Shige finally latches onto Koyama's wrist Koyama stops and smiles at him. And it’s a smile with such a sweet and honest quality to it. Shige lets his hand slide down from Koyama’s wrist and entwines their fingers. Koyama smiles down at their joined hands. Then Shige is running again, pulling Koyama along with him.
He has a purpose but it's more of a feeling than something he can name. He doesn't notice at first but he realizes that people are now chasing after them.
Shige ducks into an alcove and pulls Koyama close. They’re totally inside each other’s personal space but it feels right. Koyama seems about to say something but Shige shushes him as their pursuers run past their hiding spot. Shige can't help looking into Koyama's eyes, they’re intense and begging him for something. He lifts his head and seeks out Koyama's mouth. His lips feel soft and warm against his own. He nips at them and feels Koyama's breath mingle with his own as he opens his mouth and kisses him back fervently.
Suddenly Koyama breaks away and begins to cry. When Shige glances around he sees they’re not alone anymore and they’re no longer hidden in the alcove. They’re now outside in the open, surrounded by people who are pointing and watching as Koyama continues to cry.
He wakes up with a jolt throwing his arms up, as something falls from his nightstand when he knocks it with his arm. Shige rolls over onto his back, his breathing uneven.
At first he can't stop thinking about the way Koyama was crying and what that could mean but then his mind strays from that thought because his hands can still feel Koyama's body heat and his tongue can still remember the way Koyama's felt sliding against it.
It's weird because he's never thought about Koyama that way before, let alone any other guy. Instead of being grossed out though, he just feels kind of weirdly good like when you start a new relationship or are excited about something. It’s like he has a special secret that only he knows. Without thinking he lets his mind wander back to Koyama's kiss and how good it felt. He's not hard but he knows if he keeps going keeps letting his mind wander down this new path he will be without much effort and it's as he starts to contemplate masturbating to thoughts of his friend that he realizes that he's not thinking clearly. He must be still half asleep because these aren't normal thoughts.
A small part of him thinks ‘what's the big deal?’ these are just dreams and fantasies but the rest of him is disturbed by the fact that even a small part of him is willing to give up on heterosexuality so easily. The small part tries some argument about humans being animals but the rest of Shige isn't hearing it and after a moment more of refusing to consider that argument Shige decides to check the time. He reaches for his phone and it’s only after searching in vain for a couple of minutes that he realizes that it was the thing that he had knocked onto the bed earlier.
He's not really shocked to discover that it's 4:30am but he's afraid of what will happen if he goes back to sleep. So it doesn't take him long to decide that fishing is a great idea. And in an effort to erase the memories of something that doesn't even really exist, he gets up, gets dressed, grabs his gear and heads out.
Shige decides to let the sea take his thoughts away while he tries to focus on fishing. He plans on not letting his mind wander back to the dream or even to try and interpret it. The first half hour is the hardest but eventually he’s no longer aware of what he is trying to forget and he relaxes and enjoys himself so much he loses track of time.
When he realizes he's going to be late for work he makes a mad dash home to stow the fish and shower and change. He decides the fish that he caught mean more to him than any bitching he'll receive for being a little late. And besides being late is better than arriving smelling like fish. He'd never hear the end of that either.
He catches a break when their manager calls to let him know that they are holding the meeting because Nishikido's filming is running behind. If it had been any other member, including Yamapi, they would have started without him but they had tried that with Ryo in the past and it just didn’t work. Ryo would arrive, tear down everything they decided on without him and they would have to go over it all again. So they had decided it was a better use of every ones time just to wait on him when at all possible.
Most of the group had decided to stay in the meeting room and wait, only Tegoshi was missing and Shige thought he heard the sound of someone with a ball down the hall. He quietly takes his place on the sofa next to Koyama who was immersed in his newspaper. He had decided on his way in that avoiding Koyama today would only make things worse.
“You’re late,” Koyama states not bothering to look up.
“Yeah, I know,” Shige responds, pulling his laptop out of his bag and making himself comfortable.
They each continue to do their own thing in quiet harmony and Shige starts to think it won’t be that hard to move on from the dream after all, but as soon as he thinks it he realizes he doesn't want to forget it that easily. He hadn't really thought about it all day but it was always lurking in the back of his mind like a bizarre little bubble of happiness. He knows it's stupid to feel this way but he can't help it. He glances to his side at Koyama's thigh so close to his own. If he just moved his leg a little they would be touching. He almost does it but he just can't.
Shige steals a look at Koyama's face. It doesn't make his stomach flip or his heart race, all he really thinks is how cute he looks when he concentrates. Nothing that different to yesterday.
And with that he concludes that it's the way his dream made him feel, as opposed to how Koyama makes him feel, that he was obsessing over all day. It's weird and it doesn't really make sense but somehow it seems like enough and Shige feels like he can finally let it go and separate the two feelings. He turns his attention back to his computer letting himself get lost in his own world until their meeting starts.
“Sir, we've made it to the co-ordinates. Would you like me to stop the engines?”
“What are you talking about Ryo? Why are we out here?” Shige couldn't understand what they were doing on this tug boat and why was Ryo so gross? He looked like he hadn't showered in weeks and he smelled like it too.
“Well sir,” Ryo said making ‘sir’ sound like it was synonymous for ‘shit for brains’, “You asked us to bring you out to where she was last seen.”
“Where who was last seen?”
“The fish, the fish!” Ryo yells, “I mean really!” He mumbles loudly enough to be heard, “Why do I always ended up with the stupid ones?”
Before Shige could find a retort, Koyama comes running up behind him and bumps into him slightly, “Shige I don't like this. Can we not do this?” Koyama pleads. The terror on his face clearly evident in his voice as well.
“Koyama what is going on? Where are we? What's wrong with Ryo? Why is he dressed like that? Why doesn't he know who I am?”
“Shige ... please,” Koyama begs, ignoring all of Shige’s questions, “Let's not do this. I really think something bad is going to happen.”
“Damn it Koyama what the hell is going on? What are you even talking about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!”
“Shige why aren't you listening to me?” Tears of panic start to form in Koyama's eyes and he grabs Shige and starts to shake him, “I'm not ready for this. I think something bad is going to happen. Please Shige, please,” and he adds, with a heart wrenching sob, “Don't make me do this.”
Shige is so horrified by Koyama's state, he's rendered almost speechless. He's seen Koyama scared before but nothing ever approaching this intensity.
He still doesn't understand what is going but he instinctively moves to comfort Koyama. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. He starts to make comforting noises and strokes his hair in what he hopes is a soothing way but Koyama struggles against him and pulls free from Shige's arms. Shige notices a guy who looks a lot like Tegoshi, though without a shirt and sporting a weird tattoo of a small dog that kind of looks like Teeny, approach Ryo.
“Cap’n we've spotted ‘er, if we are going to catch ‘er we bet’er get’n position now.”
“Shige, Shige, Shige it's here why did you do this to me? Hurry Shige! Let's go to the dingy! Maybe if we leave the ship now we can still be safe.”
Shige let himself be pulled to the back of the boat where he assumed the dingy is. He's curious about this giant fish but he's more concerned about Koyama.
When they reached the end of the deck where you could access the water, a large commotion can be heard from the front of the boat. Shige looked towards it hoping to get a glimpse of the fish but it had only been another crewman, a dirty looking version of Yamapi who had disturbed some the crew’s gear when he knocked it over with his hook arm.
A sudden pull on his left hand draws his attention back to Koyama who has hold of it. Shige has to brace himself to keep from falling over board as he looks down to see if Koyama has tripped.
What he sees instead takes his breath away completely.
Lying on the wooden deck was half of Koyama's body. Something had severed him from the waist down. The look of shock that Koyama must have experienced as it happened was still visible on his face. Tears from Shige's own eyes mingle with the ones in Koyama's as he kneels over his body and takes him into his arms. Shige let out a wail of anguish.
Suddenly Shige is awake and gasping for air. The large gulps he's taking seem to refuse to fill his lungs. He realizes he's crying when he tries to wipe the sweat from his face and feels the wetness on his cheeks. He has nightmares sometimes but they are usually about ghosts or inanimate objects coming to life. This is different though. He'd really felt like he'd lost Koyama.
He knew it was a dream but he had to speak to him even if it was just to hear him get annoyed at him for calling in the middle of the night. Shige grabs his phone and quickly dials Koyama's number. He can feel his hands shaking. He tries calm himself down before Koyama picks up the phone but he can't quite stop crying.
“SSSHHHIIIIIIIIIGGGEEEEEEE!” Koyama says in a loud happy voice, presumably having checked his caller id on his cellphone before he answered.
Shige can hear from all the background noise that Koyama is definitely not alone and that he's at some club or some kind of party. He doesn't know what to say. He hadn't had a plan when he'd called. His only mission had been to confirm that Koyama was not really that disturbingly vivid corpse from his dream.
He knew what he really wants to do, he wants to ask Koyama to come over to his house. He wants Koyama to hold him in his arms and comfort him to tell him that he was just being silly because it was only a dream, that he was alive and well and nothing like that could ever happen.
But how could he? They didn't have that kind of relationship. Sure if he was hurt Koyama would come running but what he wants is something you can only ask of a lover and ...
“Shige? Are you there?”
“Koyaaamaa-san who are you talking to?” A high female voice asks from the background.
Involuntarily a small choked sob escapes and Shige quickly pushes end on his call. It hadn't even occurred to him that he might be interrupting something, that Koyama would be busy with someone else. His phone starts to vibrate in his hand. A knot of panic begins to form in his stomach. He can't answer it.
Right now he can't even stop crying. What could he say? ‘Sorry to interrupt you while your sexing up some slut but I had a bad dream and I want you to come over and make me feel better’? No, clearly he wouldn't be what Koyama wanted right now. He didn't have the right equipment. Shige throws his phone down on his bed and just gives in and cries. His bed intermittently vibrates as he weeps into his pillow and when it stops, he cries even harder.
Shige walks into the meeting room sporting a pair of large black sunglasses. He'd only gotten about an hour’s more fitful sleep after that phone call and even after a shower this morning his eyes still gave away that he'd spent the better part of the night crying.
Apparently he was the second to arrive, the first being Koyama who is on him before he's even made it all the way into the room.
“Shige I tried to call you back last night what happened?”
“What do you mean?” Shige had practiced his excuse on the way to work. He was using all of acting skills to give his voice just the right inflection when he spoke but he could tell from Koyama's face that he wasn't being totally convincing.
“You called me last night.”
“No, I didn't.”
“Yes you did, and when I tried to call you back you never picked up.”
“Oh, you know what, I bet I know what happened. I found my iPhone in my bed this morning. I must have called you by accident. You know how iPhone's can be,” Shige knew that Koyama didn't know how iPhone's were, which is exactly why he'd thought this idea might have worked. He could tell it hadn't.
“Shige I can't beli ...”
“Good morning Shige, Koyama,” came Massu's low morning voice as he entered the room. Shige was happy for the distraction and responded in kind.
But Koyama used that moment to whisper in Shige's ear, “I heard you on the phone.”
Shige's lack of sleep and overloaded emotions were taking there toll on him.
“I didn't fucking call you! OK? Just leave me the hell alone!”
Massu gives Koyama a look - ‘what the hell crawled up his ass?‘ but instead of responding with a sympathetic look - ‘I know’, Massu gets more of a - ‘mind your own fucking business’ message, so he moves his bag and takes himself off to a corner away from the crazy.
Shige flings himself onto the couch. He doesn't understand what he's doing or why he is treating Koyama this way. Koyama is right, he called him. He'd wanted him there last night but he hadn't come, he'd been with some stupid bitch who he'd probably fucked senseless and left before she even got cold.
“Shige,” Koyama says carefully, “Don't be mad. You’re probably right, it probably was that iPhone thing.”
“Don’t patronize me Koyama! You already said you didn't believe me.”
“Come on Shige, don't be like this.”
Shige realizes that how big of a wreck he is is clearly evident, because Koyama is only ever this patronizing and accommodating when he thinks Shige really needs to be right.
Knowing that he's got to at least appear civil or the meeting today, their last for almost a week, will get nowhere, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his nerves.
“Koyama how about you do me a favor?” Shige can still hear the tension in his own voice but he continues, “Just let me sleep until all the other members get here and then I’ll be good as new.”
“OK,” Koyama says still using that overly agreeable tone, “Whatever you need.”
Shige doesn't wait to see if Koyama has anymore to add he puts his legs up on the couch and turns his face away from the room.
“Aren't you going to take off your glasses?”
Shige doesn't reply. He just lies all the way down and rests his head on the arm rest. He had only planned to lie there but in a surprisingly short amount of time he's asleep.
He can hear them talking about him. It's Massu and Koyama and they are arguing over whether or not the meeting should be rescheduled.
“Look Koyama, I've known Shige just as long as you have and he wouldn't want us to push this meeting back. And even if we wanted to, we can't. It has to be today in order to fit around everyone’s schedule.”
“What's this bullshit about Shige being too mental to have our meeting?” Shige hears Ryo grumble as he enters the room.
Shige wishes he could disappear. If he didn't know he'd regret the consequences he'd just let them decide his fate while he kept pretending to be asleep.
“I'm not 'too mental’ to have our meeting,” Shige says his voice still husky with sleep.
He realizes as he turns over that the reason their voices had woken him was because they'd all gathered where Koyama was standing to argue, and Koyama had been guarding him like a human shield.
All five turn their attention to Shige upon hearing his voice, ”And Massu is right. I don't want to reschedule anything. Koyama's just overreacting.”
Shige glances at the members to see their reactions to his words. Koyama looks hurt and Massu looks triumphant, the rest just look relieved.
“When,“ Koyama says in a quiet voice, “have I ever overreacted about work?”
Massu’s look of triumph melts away at Koyama's words to be replaced with a look of doubt. Ryo also starts to look less sure. The other two look like they just want to believe Shige.
Tegoshi decides now is the time to put his two cents in and what he says is both helpful and clearly self motivated, “Shige knows himself best. It's up to him whether or not he thinks he can work.”
“I agree,” Yamapi adds, “I wouldn't want anyone to force me not to work if I said I could”.
“Then it's settled,” Shige says standing up and straightening his shirt, “Lets start the meeting.”
Koyama looks like he wants to argue but when all the others start to move into position around the table and Massu let's the rest of the staff know they are ready, he gives up, taking a position close to Shige's side.
Shige still isn't really sure what he's doing or what's wrong with him. He knows that it has to be more than the dream that's bothering him but he's afraid of what he'll see if he looks too closely, so his main goal for now is to just to get through this meeting in a productive fashion and then get the hell out of there. He knows if he doesn't lay out his ideas during this meeting they wont be able to be considered since construction will be underway by the time they meet again. And with that in mind Shige shifts his concentration to the meeting and tries to forget everything else.
By the time they break for lunch Koyama's confidence in Shige's well being has apparently improved enough that, instead of giving him sidelong looks carefully watching for Shige’s impending meltdown, he's moved on to babying him and trying to raise his spirits.
Since lunch is catered they all end up eating together in the same room and by the time lunch is over Koyama has everyone cracking up and joining in. The mood now is so much lighter than when they first gathered to start back that it is almost unbelievable that they are the same group of people.
When they break again several hours later Shige almost feels normal again. He's not forcing himself anymore. He wants to laugh and smile and knows that he owes all of that to Koyama. Shige can't help but think how lucky he is to have someone like Koyama in his life. Some one that cares enough to ...
“Shige,” Koyama says with a flirty laugh, “Shige, I love you.”
And all at once all the happiness Shige had just been feeling is gone.
“Hey you two, get a room!” Yamapi yells from across the room.
“Oi Shige, aren't you going to answer my feelings?” Koyama asks.
Shige tries to keep his tone light but he knows he's failed but he hopes his voice doesn’t betray the tears that are threatening to fall. He knows if they do the stupid sunglasses that he’s obstinately kept on all day will hide them from view. “Koyama that joke isn't funny anymore.”
Ryo bursts into laughter and he and Yamapi start making jokes about them getting divorced.
Shige doesn't look at them or at Koyama. He can't. He keeps his eyes trained on a snack wrapper that some one has left on the table. He reads it over and over again never actually comprehending what it says as he tries to get his emotions together.
When the staff finally call them back to restart he reads it one more time finally registering what it says ‘Same great taste in an all new wrapper’. If he had any humor left in him he might have laughed.
Shige throws himself down on his bed. He feels totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. He'd rushed out after they'd finally finished. Now all he wanted to do was sleep.
It’s dark and he's all alone. Nobody cares, nobody understand how he feels. He starts to cry and the tears pour down his cheeks.
He doesn't feel him at first. The touch is too light, too unobtrusive. But when he takes him in his arms Shige can feel it immediately. It’s a feeling of comfort and love. He buries his head in Koyama's neck and lets him stroke his hair. Shige already feels better. He doesn't need to cry anymore. He's found the one person who understands him the one person that loves him the way that he is.
But it's all wrong. They aren't suppose to feel this way about each other. They don't get to be together. Shige starts to pull away.
“Wait, Shige,” Koyama whispers as he pulls him in close. Then the only thing in Shige's world are Koyama's lips warm and confident on his own. Hungry for as much of him as he'll let him take, Shige moans when Koyama's tongue laps it's way into his mouth. There is an urgency to his kisses but the quality never falters.
They pull apart each taking large gulps of air.
“Shige,” Koyama says, his desire and his want evident in his voice and his eyes, “Just for tonight let’s forget who we are and be who we want to be.”
Shige can only nod. He feels like at this moment if Koyama asked him to follow him to hell he would.
Koyama brings his lips back to Shige’s and kisses him with more passion and Shige throws himself into it as well trying to make up for all of the nights that won’t come after this one.
Their clothes melt away and they are on a bed now. Shige runs his hands all over Koyama's smooth tan skin. His palms tingle with the almost electric sexual heat it gives off. And the slick heat of Koyama's tongue as he works his way down Shige's chest is setting him on fire.
When Koyama goes lower and lower, and reaches his groin the world stops. He feels the heat of Koyama's breath then the hot wetness of Koyama's tongue as it slides from the base of his cock to the tip. When Shige moans he repeats it again, then encircles the tip with his whole mouth, sucking on the head.
Shige thrusts his hips up trying to get more. More of this new sensation. More of this closeness. More of Koyama's heat. He can feel his orgasm building. He chants Koyama's name, still bucking up to meet him but no matter how hard he tries he can't quite meet him the way that he wants.
He comes anyway with an unintentional ‘I love you Kei’ as he does. Shige worries about what Koyama will think about his ‘I love you’ but more than that there is a weird feeling of discomfort in his lower region. Shige reaches out to Koyama but nothing is there.
He looks around the room. He's alone again in the dark and he finally recognizes that he's in his bedroom. It takes him a moment to fully understand where he is and what is going on. The mess in his boxers helps him clear things up faster than anything else. Somehow he's not surprised that it turned out this way. He doesn't even bother to clean himself properly, he just uses a couple of tissues out of the box on the nightstand and changes his underwear.
Shige spends the next two days lying in bed. He doesn't shower. He doesn't eat. Doesn't answer his phone. He doesn't do anything but lie there and think about how fucked up his life is. And when he can't keep his eyes open a second longer he dreams.
It's the afternoon of the third day when Koyama comes knocking. After repeatedly ignoring his calls Shige had finally texted him the previous night saying that he was fine and asking just to be left alone.
The intercom chimes twice but Shige doesn't move. He's has no plans to get it. Whoever it is hadn't even called first to see if he was home, so why should he care if they are inconvenienced by him not being there.
When there’s a knock on the door he still doesn't move. Maybe it's someone from maintenance. He tries to be extra quiet. If they can't hear him then maybe they will go away. But as he lies there it occurs to him that if it is the maintenance people (and really it had to be to get through the security doors) they probably have a key to his apartment and will just let themselves in if they think he's not home.
He stinks, he's not wearing proper clothes and he doesn't even want to think about what his hair looks like but that will just make it easier to say ‘I'm sick can you please come back later’.
Shige only opens the door a crack trying to let as little of his person be seen as possible. When he sees Koyama standing there instead of some uncaring handyman he almost slams the door shut by reflex.
“How did you get through the security door?”
“One of your neighbors let me in. Shige, can I come in?”
There is a frown on Koyama's face and Shige realizes he must look worse than he thought.
“I'd rather you didn't,” he says looking down at his bare feet, “I don't feel well.”
“Please,” is all Koyama says in response.
Shige's not sure what to do. He's not ready for this. He was suppose to have two more days. Two more days to get his emotions under control and squash down these feelings.
He's not sure what will happen if he let's Koyama in. What if he breaks down?
“I think it's a bad idea,” Shige says starting to make the small opening even smaller, “We can talk at the meeting,” and he lets the door shut.
“Shige ... Shige,” Koyama pleads through door as he knocks, “What did I do? How can I fix this?”
“You didn't do anything, there isn't anything to fix,” Shige answers.
“Then why am I talking to you through your door? Why can't I come inside? Shige we aren't like this. This isn't us.”
“Please just give me until the meeting in two days,” he begs, “Then everything will be OK.”
Shige can feel his eyes welling up with tears.
“It wont be OK Shige! This is ridiculous! I'm not leaving until you let me in.”
Shige just stands there and lets the tears fall. When had he become like this? So tired and weak, so emotionally overwrought. Recently it feels like his whole world has been turned upside down and no matter how hard he tries he can't put it right again.
Slowly Shige opens the door. Koyama looks surprised as he gets a proper look at his face but he doesn't comment, he just moves inside quickly and takes off his shoes.
Shige heads to the living room and lays down on his couch. It feels like nothing can ever be good again. During these days of self pity he had finally opened Pandora's box and admitted to himself that he was in love with Koyama, that he had been in love with Koyama for some time. That apparently he was in love with Koyama so much that his subconscious refused to let him ignore it any longer.
While he was lying in bed he had analyzed his actions and reactions over and over again. And now he finally saw things clearly and honestly instead of turning a blind eye to them like he had so many times before.
He hears Koyama approaching the couch and he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at him just yet.
“Shige,” Koyama says and Shige can tell by his voice that he's very close but he is still surprised when his hand gently brushes through his hair. Shige stubbornly keeps his eyes closed.
“Don't cry,” he says in a soft voice, “It will be OK. Just tell what's wrong and I promise I'll help you.”
Things will never be OK again Shige thinks to himself. Koyama has no idea what he is saying. No idea how Shige has ruined everything by falling in love with him. Shige's only answer is to cry harder.
“Come here Shige,” Koyama says pulling him into his arms. And Shige lets himself be pulled into Koyama's embrace. He buries his face in his shoulder and cries because he'll never be what Koyama wants. He cries because this might be the last time they are close like this. And he cries because even if he wants to keep trying to hide it from Koyama, he knows that he will tell him tonight. He has to tell him that he loves him and when Koyama rejects him he doesn't think he will ever be able to get over it.
They sit that way for a long time. Shige’s not sure how long but Koyama had continued to hold and comfort him long after he had stopped crying. The air in the room had taken on a stillness that made it seem like time had stopped and he could hear Koyama's heart beating from where his ear pressed against his shoulder. He actually felt better. It wasn't like all of his problems were solved or he didn't know that tonight was going to end badly but he had felt so lost lately so on the edge of falling off the deep end that even a little attention was a major comfort. He wasn't in any hurry though, to pull away or talk it out.
“Shige?” Koyama asked softly, like he thought maybe he had fallen asleep.
“Uhn,” Shige grunted.
“You stink.”
There was a pause of dead silence then Shige let out a croaky laugh.
“Thanks” he said in a hoarse voice.
“Come with me,” Koyama says getting to his feet. Shige can only groan as Koyama pulls him up by his wrists and drags him to the bathroom.
“Take your clothes off,” Koyama says as he gets some towels and turns on the water heater. When he comes back into changing room Shige is still dressed and just standing there watching him.
“Are you going to get undressed or do I have to help you with that too?” Koyama asks as he starts to take his own pants off.
“What ... are you doing?”
“What does it look like I'm doing? I am going to give you a bath.”
“Then why are you taking your clothes off?”
“So I don't get wet. What? I'm still wearing my underwear.”
“Koyama I don't need you to give me a bath. I can ...”
“It's fine Shige,” Koyama says simply, ignoring him and pulling his shirt over his head.
When Koyama makes for his boxers he just grinds out, “Fine,“ as those are removed too.
Koyama pulls him, now naked, into the shower area of his bathroom and sits him down on the small stool kept near the bath. It feels weird to be in his own bathroom with Koyama like this. Koyama has washed his back for him before but it was usually in a large bath or at his mother's house when he was younger. There is a privacy here that is very different from those other places.
Without any preamble, Koyama turns on the water and gently runs it over his back. Once Shige is completely wet, including his hair, he hangs the shower head up and starts to lather shampoo in his hair. Koyama's hands massage the shampoo into his scalp in small circular motions that feels so good he might melt. Shige can't help but lean in to it.
“Does it feel good?” Koyama asks him with a smile in his voice as a shiver runs through his body.
“Uh hun,” Shige says afraid if he says more his voice will let Koyama know exactly how good he's starting to feel.
“Lean your head back,” Koyama says as he cups his hand on Shige's forehead and runs water in his hair. He conditions his hair in the same way but it's faster and not quite as arousing.
When the washcloth touches his back Shige feels relief wash over him. Koyama had picked one of the abrasive ones that he uses to scrub his skin instead of a soft cloth. If Shige concentrates on the rough fabric he'll only have lose his dignity once tonight.
But of course nothing in his life can ever be easy and when Koyama lathers the body soap on the cloth it's just the right amount painful pleasure. Koyama moves his hands in maddening circles that go lower and lower with every pass his hand makes. Shige squeezes his legs shut trying to hide his hard on.
Next, Koyama discards the cloth and begins to massage the soap with his bare hands. Shige can't ever remember Koyama doing that before but the way his long fingers caress him is too nice for him to worry about it further.
“Do you like it Shige?” Shige doesn't bother to try to articulate a response he just lets his eyes drift close and moans as an answer.
“OK, I'm finished with the back. Lets do the front.”
Shige's eyes pop open and he clenches thighs even tighter.
“Wha ... what the hell are you talking about? Why would you need to do the front? I ...”
“Shige,” Koyama says facing him his eyes dark as he takes one of Shige's hands into his own, “I want you too,” he says and then he pushes Shige's hand into his clothed erection.
Shige stares at him opened mouth not sure what to say. He doesn't move, he doesn't know what to do. He feels it though, like it's burning his hand. Hot and hard, similar to his own but so very different. It's not the first time he'd ever touched it but it was never hard like this and he'd never done it on purpose.
Shige gives him an experimental squeeze.
“Ahn ... Shige,” Koyama moans softly. Shige likes the way his name sounds when Koyama says it like that and he likes the way his face contorts into a look of pleasure that he's never seen before.
Hesitantly he lets his thumb trace over cotton covered hardness. He feels himself get bolder the more enticing noises Koyama makes. He's all but jerking him off and starting to contemplate sticking his hand inside Koyama's boxer briefs when Koyama's hand stills his own.
“Shige,” he says his voice deep and breathless, “If you keep doing that I wont be able to wash your front.”
Shige doesn't know what to say to that so he just lets his hand fall away from Koyama and waits. This seems to be what Koyama wants because he soon picks up the washcloth and lathers it again. He starts with Shige’s shoulders, working patterns down his chest with the soap. The scratchy cloth sends a jolt down his body every time it catches on one of his nipples.
Shige lets his hand tentatively touch Koyama's bare chest. It seems so different now. He’s full of thoughts he wouldn't have even let himself entertain before, about how soft his skin feels and wondering how it would taste.
Koyama puts down the washcloth again and puts a large quantity of soap in his hand. At first Shige thinks he's just going to soap up his legs, but after he reaches his knees his hands continue up and start to gently soap the outer part of his thighs.
The teasing caress of Koyama's hands has Shige unconsciously parting his legs and his cock springs free, begging for Koyama's touch.
Still Koyama continues to soap his thighs, now soaping the insides rather than touching the one part that wants his touch the most - the part that is throbbing and leaking and begging for his hands.
“Oh God Kei, please just touch me.”
And he does and Shige almost comes from the contact. Koyama's soap slicked hands sliding up and down his shaft bringing him to a new ecstasy. He wants to let go and just come but he wants feel Koyama let go too.
He pulls at Koyama's underwear and tries to pull them off but Koyama just bats his hands away.
“At least take off your underwear. It's not fair that I'm the only one naked.”
“If I take them off I wont get to finish cleaning you.”
“I don't care if you finish cleaning me.”
“But I want to take care of you.”
Shige stops and lets that sink in. He'd been so busy letting Koyama ‘take care of him’ he hadn't really looked at things clearly.
What exactly were they doing?
Shige didn't necessarily want to stop but he wasn't looking for pity either. Was this just some new weird extension of their friendship? Was Koyama actually turned on by him or was he imagining he was with someone else while he bathed him and was that why he didn't want to be touched.
“Koyama ... what exactly is this? Why do you need to take care of me?” Shige asks letting all of his newly found fears show in his voice.
“Because - I love you.”
Shige wants to believe that Koyama means that in a way that is so much more than the joking confessions they had shared, but how could he?
“Shige, I thought you would never return my feelings. But the way you’ve been acting lately, and then when you wouldn't say you loved me back - I, I thought maybe there was a small chance that you loved me the way I loved you. Shige. I'll always care about you, no matter what your answer is but I'm right aren’t I? You’re in love with me at least a little bit, aren't you?”
“So, you’re saying that you love me?” Shige repeats not believing his ears.
Koyama looks nervous but nods.
“And you've been in love with me for some time?”
Koyama licks his lips like his mouth has gone dry but still responds without faltering, “Yes.”
Shige is once again stunned into silence. This was the last thing he had expected. It was hard to know what to do.
“What about that girl?”
“What girl?” Koyama asks his brow furrowing.
“The one I heard the night I called you - and hung up.”
“So you admit you called me!”
“Of course I called you. What about her?”
“What her?”
“The one that was all 'Koyamaaaaa-san?'” Shige says making his voice high.
Koyama chuckles but quickly answers, “I'm not sure who that was but there is nobody that I’m with or that I even think about the way I think about you.”
“Then why can't I touch you?”
“I already told you why.”
“You really want me?”
“Shige you know I want you.”
Shige knows what he wants to say but Koyama's open declarations of love seem to be making it harder instead of easier.
“Is it OK if I kiss you?”
Koyama nods and Shige leans in to gently press their lips together. It's weird considering they’ve both explored parts of each others bodies that they have never touched before tonight, but this kiss feels right. It feels like it's the beginning of a new chapter in their lives that they are about to start together.
There is strangeness to kissing his best friend but it also feels good. Shige breaks the kiss after a moment. He knows Koyama is waiting for him to respond and he knows the longer he waits the harder it will be.
The three little words that started it all were now part of the gateway to their new life together. There doesn't seem to be an easy way to say I love you. So Shige just says it.
“I love you too.”
Koyama pulls him back in almost before the word have fully left his mouth. His kiss is passionate like he's trying to let Shige know exactly how long he has been waiting to hear Shige tell him that.
Shige lets his hands roam Koyama's body while his tongue turns his brains into mush.
When Shige's hands find their way to the waistband of Koyama's underwear again he just moans into Shige's mouth. When Shige slowly pulls them down and takes Koyama in hand, he doesn't try to stop him. He lets his hand slide up and down Koyama's length enjoying Koyama’s instant reaction as he trembles in his hand.
Koyama's hands return to Shige's own need and it feels like it's a battle to see who will lose control first.
Shige feels like he's at a disadvantage because Koyama already has him quite worked up but he tries to keep the rhythm they are making together.
Too soon Shige’s senses start to overload and he loses the ability to do anything but feel. Koyama seems to understand this and breaks their kiss, pulling him closer. He joins their hands together and takes both of them in hand. They moan in unison as their cocks meet for the first time. The extra heat pulsating against his own inflamed flesh feels so good.
Shige knows he's not reciprocating the way he wants to but it's taking all his resolve to try and not come until he thinks Koyama is ready. But his control is slipping as Koyama makes use of the only areas of Shige's body not covered in soap. He starts nipping and sucking on his ears and neck until Shige thinks he might go crazy from all the stimulation.
“Come for me Shige” Koyama breathes in his ear as he strokes them faster, “I want to see what my hands make you feel.” His hot breath and even hotter words combined with the increased speed of his hand make it impossible for Shige to hold out any longer. With a moan that vibrates off the walls and bounces around the small room, Shige comes all over their joined hands.
Koyama guides him back against the wall without breaking contact. He continues to whisper heated words into Shige's ear but Shige is to busy feeling to understand. He does recognize the moment though when he feels Koyama begin to tense up and he soon comes with a loud moan as well.
Shige holds the door open for Koyama as they enter the meeting room. They’re not the first but Tegoshi and Massu are too preoccupied with there own things to do more than acknowledge them as they arrive.
They sit close together on a couch. Shige immediately leans his head on Koyama's shoulder while he pulls out his newspaper. Shige is more than happy to sit just like this occasionally reading snippets of some article that catches his eye while they wait.
Yamapi arrives 5 minutes before the meeting is scheduled to start. Seeing the surprised looks he blurts out, “I had an interview down the hall before this. I trust everyone made good use of their solo time.”
Shige gives Koyama sideways look and smiles.
“I see those two have made up and are gayer than ever,” Ryo observes as he walks through the door.
“No gayer than you in that pudding movie,” Yamapi says and everybody but Ryo laughs.
He looks a little hurt but Yamapi shoves him in a playful way and Ryo retorts, “At least I'm not some loser anorexic boxer.”
“Hey!” Pi says, “Joe is a national icon.”
“Who said I was talking about your movie character?”
They keep trading barbs as they move to the meeting table basically announcing that now they have arrived the meeting can start.
Shige sighs and moves to get up but Koyama pulls him back and whispers so that no one else will hear, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Hurry up you two lovebirds,” Ryo snipes from across the room. Shige just smiles.