I have too many brown shoes and not enough black shoes, it turns out.
Now that I've resolved to go biking this weekend to some places I want to go, the weather has dropped from 73F earlier this week to 34F right now and a low of 16F tomorrow. This is not the climate change I was promised by all those buds and blossoms! (I mean, maybe it is. It is. But still, it was nice while it lasted.)
I missed my monthly check-in at the end of February, as well as my opportunity to listen to Dar Williams' "February" during that month, but here are both. I did a little bit more cooking last month, which was very satisfying. I think the big theme for me is going to be remembering to do things that feel good, honestly -- it's not just something you save for extraordinary or special occasions. This goes for having a clean/neat apartment, yoga, biking, makeup, hair, good outfits, swing dancing, massages, anything that's delightful.
Money became a little bit of a thing; I justified a fairly major purchase (shoes) with a fairly minor accomplishment (transcription), and now I'm a little spooked about managing how I make myself happy. I did, however, buy a new, $10 set of standard black markers of differing widths and it's made me optimistic that comics may be in my future again. I also had a protracted freakout that was starting to feel like long, multi-day panic attacks about the work of building my career. One thing that's been really dragging me down and confusing me is this sense that I have often been told I'm already too good [at X] to need help that others need more, which inevitably means I... don't actually get the help that I need and don't believe I can ask for it, especially professionally. (Prime example: The teacher of my grad school capstone course took me aside near the beginning and told me I should be teaching it. He meant it as a compliment, but goddammit, I was there to learn, to be pushed and challenged. I also had to be one of the best in the room at Mic, not just by dint of my position but also because nobody there freaking knew anything or cared that they didn't. See also. And dating. The ongoing feeling that my best will never be good enough, even when my competition is totally mediocre. They got the help and I didn't.)
I've also been struggling with jealousy at friends who have been working hard and consistently and with support and not only have been getting markedly better at what they do, but are getting recognized and published for it. "Why not me?!" I cry, literally alone in my apartment eating whole pints of Chubby Hubby. Then, when I finally confronted the actual requirements of this article I've been agonizing over since Thanksgiving, I realized two things. 1) Actually checking on the publication for the style of their articles, which I almost always do but somehow didn't for this one, would have shown me that I needed to write a totally different piece than the one I thought I did, and it's actually going to be much more interesting and fun. 2) I am out of practice.
Obviously grandiosity and a sense of persecution can be expressions of depression. I knew that even while expressing them, but that's the thing -- depression lies but you're convinced it's all true and no one else can see it or talk you out of it.
Good things, though: I finished my memoir class and not only have been encouraged to actually focus on expanding what I wrote about into a book, but I have support and accountability from the other classmates, as well as
hope, yay! I am working my way up to building a schedule that incorporates everything I want to do with myself, personally and professionally, and I'm trying to give myself the structure that I know I thrive under (not too much, but definitely not too little). I've seen a lot of my friends, and I'm leaving my apartment more. I accomplished three victory rolls at once, which I'd never done before. My crusty bread cookbook finally arrived yesterday, and I'm eager to try that out. I've been reading more and more books. And I think I'm doing a better job of managing my exposure to the news, though I'm by no means totally free of it yet. I'm hoping March actually does the "out like a lamb" thing. If I get used to real planning, I might even be able to take a trip somewhere interesting sooner rather than later.
Some links I'm thinking about:
Productivity & Workflow: Quit Procrastinating & Start Writing is a one-day class I'm strongly contemplating. There's another in April on being a freelance writer which could be more helpful for me than just winging it and trying to read a lot of blog posts. But on that note, there's also How I Make Money While Traveling the World Full-Time: Behind the Scenes with a Location Independent Writer. Maybe I should just start with some submissions and writing trackers, before I bite off more than I can chew?
Everything You Need to Know About Cooking With Cast-Iron Pans makes me sorry I left the ones I had in Chicago, ohmygosh.
Relying on Friendship in a World Made for Couples; also from The Cut, Forgiveness Is Not a Binary State
Also, Things I’m Verbing: CPAC crashers, gene editors and eating for money
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!
I missed my monthly check-in at the end of February, as well as my opportunity to listen to Dar Williams' "February" during that month, but here are both. I did a little bit more cooking last month, which was very satisfying. I think the big theme for me is going to be remembering to do things that feel good, honestly -- it's not just something you save for extraordinary or special occasions. This goes for having a clean/neat apartment, yoga, biking, makeup, hair, good outfits, swing dancing, massages, anything that's delightful.
Money became a little bit of a thing; I justified a fairly major purchase (shoes) with a fairly minor accomplishment (transcription), and now I'm a little spooked about managing how I make myself happy. I did, however, buy a new, $10 set of standard black markers of differing widths and it's made me optimistic that comics may be in my future again. I also had a protracted freakout that was starting to feel like long, multi-day panic attacks about the work of building my career. One thing that's been really dragging me down and confusing me is this sense that I have often been told I'm already too good [at X] to need help that others need more, which inevitably means I... don't actually get the help that I need and don't believe I can ask for it, especially professionally. (Prime example: The teacher of my grad school capstone course took me aside near the beginning and told me I should be teaching it. He meant it as a compliment, but goddammit, I was there to learn, to be pushed and challenged. I also had to be one of the best in the room at Mic, not just by dint of my position but also because nobody there freaking knew anything or cared that they didn't. See also. And dating. The ongoing feeling that my best will never be good enough, even when my competition is totally mediocre. They got the help and I didn't.)
I've also been struggling with jealousy at friends who have been working hard and consistently and with support and not only have been getting markedly better at what they do, but are getting recognized and published for it. "Why not me?!" I cry, literally alone in my apartment eating whole pints of Chubby Hubby. Then, when I finally confronted the actual requirements of this article I've been agonizing over since Thanksgiving, I realized two things. 1) Actually checking on the publication for the style of their articles, which I almost always do but somehow didn't for this one, would have shown me that I needed to write a totally different piece than the one I thought I did, and it's actually going to be much more interesting and fun. 2) I am out of practice.
Obviously grandiosity and a sense of persecution can be expressions of depression. I knew that even while expressing them, but that's the thing -- depression lies but you're convinced it's all true and no one else can see it or talk you out of it.
Good things, though: I finished my memoir class and not only have been encouraged to actually focus on expanding what I wrote about into a book, but I have support and accountability from the other classmates, as well as
hope, yay! I am working my way up to building a schedule that incorporates everything I want to do with myself, personally and professionally, and I'm trying to give myself the structure that I know I thrive under (not too much, but definitely not too little). I've seen a lot of my friends, and I'm leaving my apartment more. I accomplished three victory rolls at once, which I'd never done before. My crusty bread cookbook finally arrived yesterday, and I'm eager to try that out. I've been reading more and more books. And I think I'm doing a better job of managing my exposure to the news, though I'm by no means totally free of it yet. I'm hoping March actually does the "out like a lamb" thing. If I get used to real planning, I might even be able to take a trip somewhere interesting sooner rather than later.
Some links I'm thinking about:
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!