Whomp whomp/Rimshot
Very, very good dinner with friend S. tonight. Friend S. is the type of friend where we always wind up chatting for four straight hours and then suddenly realize the restaurant is closing up around us and we could keep going for hours more. She is wonderful, she is great, she is a grad school friend so she also gets all the working journalist bullshit. I am very glad we talked tonight, and that some of it was talking about My Hard and Horrible Stuff.
One thing she said, very clearly, which so many people have said, was this: "I think you need to stop feeling angry at yourself. You need to just let yourself feel sad that these things have happened to you."
This is absolutely, 100% true. And yet.
And yet, like.
I... do not know how.
And I really have to! Because as previously stated many times, the anger is turning inward and basically ruining my life. I don't know what people mean when they say "Just feel your sadness" or things like that. What does that mean? When I'm okay, I'm fine, and when I'm least prepared, everything melts down and is horrible and nothing will ever be okay again and it's all my fault and I can never, ever fix it or make up for it, I will always be ruined and sad forever.
I get that there's some stuff in there about vulnerability and safety. I just have no idea how one decides to "let yourself feel your feelings." None whatsoever. Do I go on a retreat? Do I get massages? Do I journal extra-hard? Someone please tell me the 12-step plan or set of instructions, so I may excel at them and so earn approval. (Step 1: Recognize that there's a way to feel sad without being terrified that you'll never climb out of it if you do let yourself feel sad? Maybe?!? Step 2: Identify what it's like to Feel Your Feelings. This sounds like nonsense talk to me. What does this even mean?? Step 3: Pay... for... this?????? Maybe if I Buy the Stuff, that will count too? Like. I'm so out to sea on this.)
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!
One thing she said, very clearly, which so many people have said, was this: "I think you need to stop feeling angry at yourself. You need to just let yourself feel sad that these things have happened to you."
This is absolutely, 100% true. And yet.
And yet, like.
I... do not know how.
And I really have to! Because as previously stated many times, the anger is turning inward and basically ruining my life. I don't know what people mean when they say "Just feel your sadness" or things like that. What does that mean? When I'm okay, I'm fine, and when I'm least prepared, everything melts down and is horrible and nothing will ever be okay again and it's all my fault and I can never, ever fix it or make up for it, I will always be ruined and sad forever.
I get that there's some stuff in there about vulnerability and safety. I just have no idea how one decides to "let yourself feel your feelings." None whatsoever. Do I go on a retreat? Do I get massages? Do I journal extra-hard? Someone please tell me the 12-step plan or set of instructions, so I may excel at them and so earn approval. (Step 1: Recognize that there's a way to feel sad without being terrified that you'll never climb out of it if you do let yourself feel sad? Maybe?!? Step 2: Identify what it's like to Feel Your Feelings. This sounds like nonsense talk to me. What does this even mean?? Step 3: Pay... for... this?????? Maybe if I Buy the Stuff, that will count too? Like. I'm so out to sea on this.)
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!