2015, don't let the door smack you on the way out
The first Year in Review meme I always do is the first lines of each month; the last is usually this one. (I still have the fandom YIR, I have a party to get to, and since Yuletide reveals just happened, that can wait.)
Anyway. My mantra for 2016 is Give me the confidence of a mediocre white man. Let's see how that goes a year from now. 2015 was a rough one; thanks for all your love and laughs, gang, anon and otherwise. So. How did we stack up against 2014?
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
Read self-help books. Possibly believed in crystals and fetishes. Danced the Charleston. Started a girl gang. Biked regularly in New York City. Completed both a half-marathon and a 10K. Mastered liquid eyeliner. Learned to knit. Attended a professional development conference in another state. Successfully freelanced. Figured out some really important stuff about grief.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I resolved to make monthly resolutions instead of annual ones, and I did not manage to really do that! I am buying a weekly planner as soon as the stores open again, though. Moleskine seems to only have the one I want in black, which is a bit drab, but I've invested in a few exciting stickers, so that doesn't need to be too grim.
3. Did you embark on any huge new creative projects?
I completed NaNo, and as
byzantienne said yesterday, now I have to write the other 50K! I also did a few really exciting bits of enterprise feature reporting, which I hope to continue and expand on. I'm still quite pleased with how my RealName.com came out, which reminded me how much I enjoy web design. And I'm ending the year by being about to embark on a new one: I signed up for a writing and drawing comics course online, which begins on Monday and I am very excited about that. (I link because there's still time to sign up if you too want to try it!)
4. Did anything that loomed large in your life end?
Ha ha ha, INDEED. My ghastly miserable job ended when they eliminated my position, which freed me up to do a lot of things and certainly move my life more in the direction I truly want, but which also remains shitty in that I'm angry at my terrible former boss and I miss my colleagues, whom I largely (and deeply) adore.
5. What books did you discover?
Jo Walton! I didn't care too much about The Lives of Others, but Farthing was incredible and I finally have a paper copy of Ha'penny. Also, my first Bujold with The Curse of Chalion and my edging into Paladin of Souls. What else? At the moment I am reading a piece of magical realism I should have read a very long time ago indeed, for a Mental Floss story. H Is for Hawk (Helen Macdonald) and The Orchid Thief (Susan Orlean) made a huge impression on me. Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho was very exciting!
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
More smooching. Antidepressants. Maybe some ink. More discipline about exercise.
7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Dates are never very specific, although I was let go on Nov. 9, two weeks before Thanksgiving. July was New Mexico. April 29 was the 24-hour MCU marathon.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The grief retreat in New Mexico, honestly. And anything I do to make my life and my career what it ought to be, now that I'm unemployed. Career-wise, I'm proud of what I did at my old job, but hiring Beloved K is probably the best thing I did there.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not quitting my job in March, probably. Suffering through six really hellish months which tipped my depression from "I can work hard enough to pretend this isn't here" to "Oh shit, I really can't function right now."
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Some running stuff, including getting stomped on by a lady in heels twice 10 days before the Brooklyn Half. But frankly, realizing that I've probably been very depressed for several years and deciding to do something about it is the biggest one.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Several great dresses from Enz's. Grief retreat in New Mexico. I do love my vertical plant stand that goes up to my ceiling. I bought a really lovely shawl/scarf for the first time ever. And I'm pretty stupid in love with these freaking water bottles with filters in them, which make me stay hydrated. My dad says I'm spoiled for that, but whatever.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh my gosh. Beloved K at work, my work wife E, many people at work,
theladyscribe,
papinianista. Krista, always. Tanya! Lin-Manuel Miranda, for just being both darling and incredible, even if his fandom utterly overwhelms me. The whole of The Great British Bake Off. Many great journalists and activists.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ex-Boss and several others at Old Job. Deeply, deeply appalling and depressing people. The usuals on the world stage (Palmyra, oh god, Palmyra, the girls of Chibok, the Alpine Air plane crash victims, the refugees from Syria, the xenophobes at home and abroad, the abuse in Baltimore and Chicago and all over, the fascist right, the antisemitic left, the institutions of journalism that exploit it all for clickbait and hot takes). Charlie Hebdo and the Hyper-Cache feel so long ago, don't they? And how much horrible, horrible stuff has happened in between.
14. Where did most of your money go?
R E N T. And eating out. And some wonderful but very expensive dresses. New Mexico.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
AGENT CARTER. And oh my goodness, did it live up to the hype!
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
[footage not found] One more resolution is to get back into actual music again. Dammit, lack of an optical drive! However, I have yet to see one of these memes answer this question with something other than Hamilton; I don't have the OCR, but getting to see it onstage was a goddamn miracle of genius and art.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Hard to say, and it seems like it always is. I am no longer in a profoundly toxic, all-consuming work environment, but I'm also working quite hard to feel happy and connected the ways I need. Probably sadder, frankly.
ii. thinner or fatter? Still fatter, and yes, it is frustrating, and yes, I want to get back into running and lose my fear of the gym. I know I enjoy exercise, and I do miss my waist and my cheekbones, but frankly I'm also just pissed off that it's so hard to find clothes that fit, since I'm so tall that not being a certain proportion means I juuuuuust miss being able to fit into the upper reaches of sizes.
iii. richer or poorer? I did get a raise… at the job that I am no longer in. So, poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cooked. Papier-mâché! Gone to more shows and cultural events. Just made it to more movies, expense be damned, simply to understand what all the fuss about Mad Max: Fury Road was. Tried harder to be in the world and go on dates.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been scared and full of shame. Giving up on doing things I loved (too hot to go running or biking, etc). Refreshing the same four or five websites for hours on end and then getting upset at the end of the day when I haven't accomplished anything.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Yuletide archive -> Star Wars with
oliviacirce and reclining seats -> joining
skygiants for Chinese food and two tons of talking/laughing/flailing -> screwball comedy at an indie theater with Becca -> sleeeeeep
21. Who did you meet for the first time?
septembriseur, which has been repeated several times and which was excellent each time! Also my swing dance girl gang, though we've all sort of gone our separate ways for the moment, but I have hope that we'll get together again in the new year. Plus a number of exciting characters in the New York journalism world, and
paperbytheton, who was one of the best people I met at the American Copy Editor Society conference this spring.
22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Eh. There is a deeply adorkable friend from Old Job, but it was only ever going to be flirting.
23. What relationships stand out in your memory this year?
Kiersten, from New Mexico.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Agent Carter, Jessica Jones, The Great British Bake Off, Parks & Rec, Revenge, Jane the Virgin
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
It's not that I hate people. But I have to work not to be continually furious that the universe doesn't suitably punish the people who have hurt me most.
26. What was the best fic you read?
Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by 
screamlet, MCU, the story behind why Tony hired Paul Bettany to voice JARVIS
Ukuleles and Other Dangerous Ideas by
sevenfoxes, MCU RPF, Chris/Hayley slow burn amazingness
What Gets Inside You by
Maidenjedi, A League of Their Own, Doris and Mae lead different lives by the '50s
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Electro-swing! But only the good stuff. Ibeyi, probably. And just listening to All Songs Considered most. I guess podcasts go here too (Invisibilia, Reply All, 99% Invisible, just pretty much everything on WNYC and Gimlet in general).
28. What did you want and get?
Air conditioning! Not to be trifled with in New York, that's for sure.
29. What did you want and not get?
Traveling, especially with friends.
30. What was your favorite film of the year?
Hmm. Movies are so expensive here, you have to want to see them so badly. Probably the best one I saw was Ex Machina, though Spotlight was really, really good journalism porn and The Martian was just beautiful to look at, in addition to being really nerdy and fun.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31, and I skipped work! I biked around Prospect Park, went to the Museum of the Moving Image with
e_clare and got… so, so drunk at my favorite Greenwich Village (I think?) bar.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Vindication. Barring that, an actual writer's group, probably.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
The usual t-shirts and jeans and Docs, though I am pushing into daily eye makeup, which is something I've always wanted to master anyway. Lots of "I hate hipsters but I love their stuff," while longingly staring at women who can wear vintage repro all the time.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends, and oh boy, did they have their work cut out for them.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
HAYLEY ATWELL, LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
How… on earth do you pick? Working where I did, every day was this - walking into a headwind of politics and activism, much of it worthy but all of it really exhausting.
37. Who did you miss?
My mom. Always, and a lot. Chicago and my Chicago people. I wish I knew if I could handle going back.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?
It's really not romantic to stand up for your principles and get fucked over for it, but it still feels better than letting bad people run your life.
39. Something new that worked out really well for you during the year?
Saying yes to every professional opportunity. Now to just believe I can do it before I'm asked.
40. Most useful piece of advice or comment I received:
Don't go to the hardware store to buy milk. This was said to me in an emotional context, but also practical in the real world, as a metaphor.
41. What are your plans for 2016?
Just a lot of becoming. Catch you on the flip side, my loves. Off I go.
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!
Anyway. My mantra for 2016 is Give me the confidence of a mediocre white man. Let's see how that goes a year from now. 2015 was a rough one; thanks for all your love and laughs, gang, anon and otherwise. So. How did we stack up against 2014?
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
Read self-help books. Possibly believed in crystals and fetishes. Danced the Charleston. Started a girl gang. Biked regularly in New York City. Completed both a half-marathon and a 10K. Mastered liquid eyeliner. Learned to knit. Attended a professional development conference in another state. Successfully freelanced. Figured out some really important stuff about grief.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I resolved to make monthly resolutions instead of annual ones, and I did not manage to really do that! I am buying a weekly planner as soon as the stores open again, though. Moleskine seems to only have the one I want in black, which is a bit drab, but I've invested in a few exciting stickers, so that doesn't need to be too grim.
3. Did you embark on any huge new creative projects?
I completed NaNo, and as
byzantienne said yesterday, now I have to write the other 50K! I also did a few really exciting bits of enterprise feature reporting, which I hope to continue and expand on. I'm still quite pleased with how my RealName.com came out, which reminded me how much I enjoy web design. And I'm ending the year by being about to embark on a new one: I signed up for a writing and drawing comics course online, which begins on Monday and I am very excited about that. (I link because there's still time to sign up if you too want to try it!)
4. Did anything that loomed large in your life end?
Ha ha ha, INDEED. My ghastly miserable job ended when they eliminated my position, which freed me up to do a lot of things and certainly move my life more in the direction I truly want, but which also remains shitty in that I'm angry at my terrible former boss and I miss my colleagues, whom I largely (and deeply) adore.
5. What books did you discover?
Jo Walton! I didn't care too much about The Lives of Others, but Farthing was incredible and I finally have a paper copy of Ha'penny. Also, my first Bujold with The Curse of Chalion and my edging into Paladin of Souls. What else? At the moment I am reading a piece of magical realism I should have read a very long time ago indeed, for a Mental Floss story. H Is for Hawk (Helen Macdonald) and The Orchid Thief (Susan Orlean) made a huge impression on me. Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho was very exciting!
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
More smooching. Antidepressants. Maybe some ink. More discipline about exercise.
7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Dates are never very specific, although I was let go on Nov. 9, two weeks before Thanksgiving. July was New Mexico. April 29 was the 24-hour MCU marathon.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The grief retreat in New Mexico, honestly. And anything I do to make my life and my career what it ought to be, now that I'm unemployed. Career-wise, I'm proud of what I did at my old job, but hiring Beloved K is probably the best thing I did there.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not quitting my job in March, probably. Suffering through six really hellish months which tipped my depression from "I can work hard enough to pretend this isn't here" to "Oh shit, I really can't function right now."
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Some running stuff, including getting stomped on by a lady in heels twice 10 days before the Brooklyn Half. But frankly, realizing that I've probably been very depressed for several years and deciding to do something about it is the biggest one.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Several great dresses from Enz's. Grief retreat in New Mexico. I do love my vertical plant stand that goes up to my ceiling. I bought a really lovely shawl/scarf for the first time ever. And I'm pretty stupid in love with these freaking water bottles with filters in them, which make me stay hydrated. My dad says I'm spoiled for that, but whatever.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh my gosh. Beloved K at work, my work wife E, many people at work,
theladyscribe,
papinianista. Krista, always. Tanya! Lin-Manuel Miranda, for just being both darling and incredible, even if his fandom utterly overwhelms me. The whole of The Great British Bake Off. Many great journalists and activists.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ex-Boss and several others at Old Job. Deeply, deeply appalling and depressing people. The usuals on the world stage (Palmyra, oh god, Palmyra, the girls of Chibok, the Alpine Air plane crash victims, the refugees from Syria, the xenophobes at home and abroad, the abuse in Baltimore and Chicago and all over, the fascist right, the antisemitic left, the institutions of journalism that exploit it all for clickbait and hot takes). Charlie Hebdo and the Hyper-Cache feel so long ago, don't they? And how much horrible, horrible stuff has happened in between.
14. Where did most of your money go?
R E N T. And eating out. And some wonderful but very expensive dresses. New Mexico.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
AGENT CARTER. And oh my goodness, did it live up to the hype!
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
[footage not found] One more resolution is to get back into actual music again. Dammit, lack of an optical drive! However, I have yet to see one of these memes answer this question with something other than Hamilton; I don't have the OCR, but getting to see it onstage was a goddamn miracle of genius and art.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Hard to say, and it seems like it always is. I am no longer in a profoundly toxic, all-consuming work environment, but I'm also working quite hard to feel happy and connected the ways I need. Probably sadder, frankly.
ii. thinner or fatter? Still fatter, and yes, it is frustrating, and yes, I want to get back into running and lose my fear of the gym. I know I enjoy exercise, and I do miss my waist and my cheekbones, but frankly I'm also just pissed off that it's so hard to find clothes that fit, since I'm so tall that not being a certain proportion means I juuuuuust miss being able to fit into the upper reaches of sizes.
iii. richer or poorer? I did get a raise… at the job that I am no longer in. So, poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cooked. Papier-mâché! Gone to more shows and cultural events. Just made it to more movies, expense be damned, simply to understand what all the fuss about Mad Max: Fury Road was. Tried harder to be in the world and go on dates.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been scared and full of shame. Giving up on doing things I loved (too hot to go running or biking, etc). Refreshing the same four or five websites for hours on end and then getting upset at the end of the day when I haven't accomplished anything.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Yuletide archive -> Star Wars with
oliviacirce and reclining seats -> joining
skygiants for Chinese food and two tons of talking/laughing/flailing -> screwball comedy at an indie theater with Becca -> sleeeeeep
21. Who did you meet for the first time?
septembriseur, which has been repeated several times and which was excellent each time! Also my swing dance girl gang, though we've all sort of gone our separate ways for the moment, but I have hope that we'll get together again in the new year. Plus a number of exciting characters in the New York journalism world, and
paperbytheton, who was one of the best people I met at the American Copy Editor Society conference this spring.
22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Eh. There is a deeply adorkable friend from Old Job, but it was only ever going to be flirting.
23. What relationships stand out in your memory this year?
Kiersten, from New Mexico.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Agent Carter, Jessica Jones, The Great British Bake Off, Parks & Rec, Revenge, Jane the Virgin
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
It's not that I hate people. But I have to work not to be continually furious that the universe doesn't suitably punish the people who have hurt me most.
26. What was the best fic you read?
screamlet, MCU, the story behind why Tony hired Paul Bettany to voice JARVIS
sevenfoxes, MCU RPF, Chris/Hayley slow burn amazingness
Maidenjedi, A League of Their Own, Doris and Mae lead different lives by the '50s
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Electro-swing! But only the good stuff. Ibeyi, probably. And just listening to All Songs Considered most. I guess podcasts go here too (Invisibilia, Reply All, 99% Invisible, just pretty much everything on WNYC and Gimlet in general).
28. What did you want and get?
Air conditioning! Not to be trifled with in New York, that's for sure.
29. What did you want and not get?
Traveling, especially with friends.
30. What was your favorite film of the year?
Hmm. Movies are so expensive here, you have to want to see them so badly. Probably the best one I saw was Ex Machina, though Spotlight was really, really good journalism porn and The Martian was just beautiful to look at, in addition to being really nerdy and fun.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31, and I skipped work! I biked around Prospect Park, went to the Museum of the Moving Image with
e_clare and got… so, so drunk at my favorite Greenwich Village (I think?) bar.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Vindication. Barring that, an actual writer's group, probably.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
The usual t-shirts and jeans and Docs, though I am pushing into daily eye makeup, which is something I've always wanted to master anyway. Lots of "I hate hipsters but I love their stuff," while longingly staring at women who can wear vintage repro all the time.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends, and oh boy, did they have their work cut out for them.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
HAYLEY ATWELL, LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
How… on earth do you pick? Working where I did, every day was this - walking into a headwind of politics and activism, much of it worthy but all of it really exhausting.
37. Who did you miss?
My mom. Always, and a lot. Chicago and my Chicago people. I wish I knew if I could handle going back.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?
It's really not romantic to stand up for your principles and get fucked over for it, but it still feels better than letting bad people run your life.
39. Something new that worked out really well for you during the year?
Saying yes to every professional opportunity. Now to just believe I can do it before I'm asked.
40. Most useful piece of advice or comment I received:
Don't go to the hardware store to buy milk. This was said to me in an emotional context, but also practical in the real world, as a metaphor.
41. What are your plans for 2016?
Just a lot of becoming. Catch you on the flip side, my loves. Off I go.
This was originally posted on Dreamwidth, where it has
comments. I would love to hear from you at DW! If you can see this post, you can comment here using OpenID. Thanks!