this always happens
For the past few years, I lament the fact that I always seem to attempt to grow my hair out in the summer and chop it all off during the winter. This leaves me with the worst of both worlds; an eternally sweaty forehead during the summer, and a cold head in the winter.
Yet somehow I always find myself falling back into this pattern.
This is my life. I have no problem identifying my destructive patterns. I then either promptly forget my revelation only until I start to feel consequences once again at which point it's too overwhelming or (as is the case with my hair) I've committed to myself for whatever reason to stick to the negative pattern, or I resolve to remedy the pattern tomorrow. [and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.] This itself is a pattern, and the whole thing becomes so self-fulfilling that I just want to scream. Not really. I'm actually fine with it.
Fuck introspection. I was talking about my hair. It's much longer than it's ever been and because of it I'm overheated all of the time.
But I don't know why I mention that.
------
I finally got bit by the creative bug. There is a shitload of things to accomplish in the next 18 days. It almost stresses me out that there are only 18 of those days left, but at least I've moved from phase sit on the couch and think about all the work i have to do and how apathetic i am to absolutely all of it into the phase where every spare minute of the day I find myself working on something somehow related to the betterment of the show.
But I feel like I've said all of this before. Maybe there's always the apathy before the creativity before the emmense stress before the sensational payoff and then the emotional let-down.
I'm so actively engaged on working through my isses these days, and it's strange how every revelation feels brand new. But in retrospect, every revelation seems only slightly revelationary and more of a re-hashing of the same shit I've learned the hard way so many times before.
I should get used to these patterns. Something tells me that this is the way life works.
Yet somehow I always find myself falling back into this pattern.
This is my life. I have no problem identifying my destructive patterns. I then either promptly forget my revelation only until I start to feel consequences once again at which point it's too overwhelming or (as is the case with my hair) I've committed to myself for whatever reason to stick to the negative pattern, or I resolve to remedy the pattern tomorrow. [and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.] This itself is a pattern, and the whole thing becomes so self-fulfilling that I just want to scream. Not really. I'm actually fine with it.
Fuck introspection. I was talking about my hair. It's much longer than it's ever been and because of it I'm overheated all of the time.
But I don't know why I mention that.
------
I finally got bit by the creative bug. There is a shitload of things to accomplish in the next 18 days. It almost stresses me out that there are only 18 of those days left, but at least I've moved from phase sit on the couch and think about all the work i have to do and how apathetic i am to absolutely all of it into the phase where every spare minute of the day I find myself working on something somehow related to the betterment of the show.
But I feel like I've said all of this before. Maybe there's always the apathy before the creativity before the emmense stress before the sensational payoff and then the emotional let-down.
I'm so actively engaged on working through my isses these days, and it's strange how every revelation feels brand new. But in retrospect, every revelation seems only slightly revelationary and more of a re-hashing of the same shit I've learned the hard way so many times before.
I should get used to these patterns. Something tells me that this is the way life works.