mmm okies, well as u said it was short. and i know u were having a hard time when u kinda wrote this, weren't exactly in the mood. i noticed u need commas in a few of ur sentences (mostly the ones with "and", bc when u read it u ntice that they could be two sep sent)u did a good job again, however u did more tell instead of say this time around i think. u speak mostly i nthe past if u read it. example....
"He turned his light off and turned on his CD player and played one of his mixed CD's to help him get to sleep." simply change it to. "Turning off his light and turning on his CD player, he listened to one of his mixed CD's." see the difference?
one thing that did get to me however, and i know u'll laugh and kill me when i say it is, description. u need more of it in this chapter. what does his mother look like, hell what's her name? what does his room look like? u can develp ur character by simply describing his room. is he neat? messy? what is hanging on his walls? a pic of sara? see what i mean. if u don't describe the mother, that's kool, but in my opinion ur turning down a change to develop ur main character by not sayin what his room is like. again, it's all my view, my idea, my advice, my opinion. rembmer UR story, not mine. u decide.
I do like how ur hinting about the jillian thing, and says. yeah he didn't know why he kept falling back to her, ur showing emphasis on this, and it's good. ur hyping it up. and what descriptions u did have here, i thoguht were good. particullary the blue lips and frozen fingers and little details like that. well hope my advice helped. good luck with chapter 4, take ur time with it...but most of all. ENJOY IT! if u enjoy writing it, chances are the reader will enjoy reading it. peace out.
"He turned his light off and turned on his CD player and played one of his mixed CD's to help him get to sleep."
simply change it to.
"Turning off his light and turning on his CD player, he listened to one of his mixed CD's." see the difference?
one thing that did get to me however, and i know u'll laugh and kill me when i say it is, description. u need more of it in this chapter. what does his mother look like, hell what's her name? what does his room look like? u can develp ur character by simply describing his room. is he neat? messy? what is hanging on his walls? a pic of sara? see what i mean. if u don't describe the mother, that's kool, but in my opinion ur turning down a change to develop ur main character by not sayin what his room is like. again, it's all my view, my idea, my advice, my opinion. rembmer UR story, not mine. u decide.
I do like how ur hinting about the jillian thing, and says. yeah he didn't know why he kept falling back to her, ur showing emphasis on this, and it's good. ur hyping it up. and what descriptions u did have here, i thoguht were good. particullary the blue lips and frozen fingers and little details like that. well hope my advice helped. good luck with chapter 4, take ur time with it...but most of all. ENJOY IT! if u enjoy writing it, chances are the reader will enjoy reading it. peace out.
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