(no subject)
I'm more alone than I've ever been. I'm more level headed than I've ever been. I'm more sober than I've ever been. I can't say that it feels great yet. But it does feel good. I'm still dealing with the reperucussions from all of the wrong decisions I've made. I have no desire to make amends with anyone aside from my family anymore. In my eyes, theres no one really worthy of it. Many of my so-called friends helped me achieve the point I was at. I was always the one to carry it past the point of no return and I have no one to blame for that but myself.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed. The past is the past and thats where it will remain. I was who I WAS. I'm never going to be able to change it. I can only make up for it.
I made so many mistakes, as we all do. I thought I was untouchable, but eventually they catch up to you. Your friends start talking about you behind your back. Your family starts to think poorly of you. You loose your job, car, money, etc.. And then before you know it, everything you grow to know and care about is gone. What are you left with?
YOUR LONELINESS.
Your left with yourself. Your left with your own sorrow and your self-pitty and self-doubt. From there its nothing but an uphill battle. An enormous struggle from within because its so much easier to just get fucked up and make everything and everyone just go away even for just those few hours because it hurts too bad to deal with. People who are supposed to be your friends are bad mouthing you to any and everyone behind your back but offering you drugs and alcohol to your face. Your family is already so damned ashamed of you that you just figure whats the point? And your opinion of yourself is just so shitty that you feel you really don't deserve anything better. For years I was living my life in a vicious cycle.
For once in my life I'm realizing that its okay to let go. For years and years I've been gripping onto a thousand pounds of baggage, and its time to let go to all of it. I'm so exhausted in every way. I'm tired of holding onto my shame, I fucked up and I fucked up big. But its time to finally make peace with my past because how am I ever going to have hope for my future? I need to find some way to let go of this whole thing with Andrew. I was almost there. In this past month that I've been sober, a familar yet old emotion that I haven't allowed myself to feel in a while has been very prominent lately. And I feel like hes provoked it out of me. Its like hes antagonizing me or just in his own sick way trying to get people to feel sorry for him with untruthful information. Anyhow, its wrong and very HURTFUL. I'm trying to let go I just want him to leave me alone. I don't speak of him, all I ask is that he do the same.
Andrew and my past are not the only obstacles I need to overcome. I need to start believing that I'm actually worth it. I need to start seeing what everyone else says they see. I of all people know how to put up a good front and make you believe that I'm confident in myself as a person. But deep down inside, I'm a fucking mess. Truthfully, I'm not confident in one single quality I have. People say you are your harshest judge. I am my cruelest judge. Hopefully with time and work all of this will come to me.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed. The past is the past and thats where it will remain. I was who I WAS. I'm never going to be able to change it. I can only make up for it.
I made so many mistakes, as we all do. I thought I was untouchable, but eventually they catch up to you. Your friends start talking about you behind your back. Your family starts to think poorly of you. You loose your job, car, money, etc.. And then before you know it, everything you grow to know and care about is gone. What are you left with?
YOUR LONELINESS.
Your left with yourself. Your left with your own sorrow and your self-pitty and self-doubt. From there its nothing but an uphill battle. An enormous struggle from within because its so much easier to just get fucked up and make everything and everyone just go away even for just those few hours because it hurts too bad to deal with. People who are supposed to be your friends are bad mouthing you to any and everyone behind your back but offering you drugs and alcohol to your face. Your family is already so damned ashamed of you that you just figure whats the point? And your opinion of yourself is just so shitty that you feel you really don't deserve anything better. For years I was living my life in a vicious cycle.
For once in my life I'm realizing that its okay to let go. For years and years I've been gripping onto a thousand pounds of baggage, and its time to let go to all of it. I'm so exhausted in every way. I'm tired of holding onto my shame, I fucked up and I fucked up big. But its time to finally make peace with my past because how am I ever going to have hope for my future? I need to find some way to let go of this whole thing with Andrew. I was almost there. In this past month that I've been sober, a familar yet old emotion that I haven't allowed myself to feel in a while has been very prominent lately. And I feel like hes provoked it out of me. Its like hes antagonizing me or just in his own sick way trying to get people to feel sorry for him with untruthful information. Anyhow, its wrong and very HURTFUL. I'm trying to let go I just want him to leave me alone. I don't speak of him, all I ask is that he do the same.
Andrew and my past are not the only obstacles I need to overcome. I need to start believing that I'm actually worth it. I need to start seeing what everyone else says they see. I of all people know how to put up a good front and make you believe that I'm confident in myself as a person. But deep down inside, I'm a fucking mess. Truthfully, I'm not confident in one single quality I have. People say you are your harshest judge. I am my cruelest judge. Hopefully with time and work all of this will come to me.