(no subject)

[neverguessed]

Today I met this woman from Trinidad and we were talking about race. I kind of started the conversation, she has a rich brown skin color, and I was asking about how racism turns it's wheels in Trinidad, and she was answering my questions, and then suddenly she started to ask me questions. "What do you consider yourself?" ACH! I was so struck by that question. I didn't even know what to say. I seriously didn't know how to explain myself. I honestly have no idea what I see myself as. I see myself as a lightskinned outcast who has always been called white by black folk, and felt black to white folks. Somehow the term biracial seems too solid to be defined by my experience.

Lately I've been feeling really interested in reading books by biracial writers about the biracial experience. This is something I'm excited about espcially when I have to tell people what I consider myself which is much different then what I AM. In the back of my mind there is a little voice that says "You think you're white you dumb bitch!" maybe I do. I really don't even know at this point. It's so sick. I wish I could just be. Because I know I'm not white, and I feel like saying that I'm biracial is saying "NO, I'm not black, I'm biracial" and saying I'm black is saying "I'm not white... Right?" so where is that?

I don't know.

I guess we'll see.
I've just got to be me.

..... as long as no one asks me WHAT I consider myself...