Back from vacation, avec les slightly thinky thoughts

[neverglass]

(I say that like it's anything unusual. It really isn't. Also, exponible over at sopping made my icon before I left on vacation, & I mention this because it's my new favorite & she's amazing & you should definitely check out her graphics comm. And also because I like to talk about my amazing bffs.)

Without further adieu, my thinky thoughts on a lot of crazy schiße

Comments

[neverglass]

I take that as a really huge compliment; thank you so much. I'm sure that someday (soon!) you'll be able to say something like this & mean it completely.

Part of what led to it was that I just got a lot of really random shit talked about me last year, & there were people that I'd never seen before in my life who just liked to come up & mess with me. At first, it really, really upset me. But then I talked to a couple people & listened to some stuff ("Sure part of this place would cheer if I died/But don't let them take away your beautiful smile"), & I realized that this stuff happens to everyone.

I was eventually just like, 'Fuck this shit. If you're an asshole, it's not my issue.' I started faking the confidence, &, sometime during the middle of the year, I realized, 'Wait... this is real?' And I think that was part of why people messed with me - I was confident, & I'm not much like most people at my school at all, & most of them don't really know me, so why should I be confident?

And that's exactly the thing - I never even had the confidence as a little kid. I always really shy. But we're both amazing & brilliant people, so why shouldn't we be, even if it's really hard?

Also, omg, have you heard Cobra's new album? I'm sort of completely in love.

[neverglass]

Yay!!! I'm so happy for you. It's really exciting that you feel like you're making real progress with confidence! Half the time, I have to force myself to be confident. It's really hard - way harder than you think when you're stuck in some sudden unconfident moment & don't want to stay there, but it's also way easier than what you think in that unconfident moment. I used to be that shy, too; I couldn't even ask for things I wanted from my family unless I absolutely knew I wouldn't be rejected.

The really amazing thing about confidence is the way it builds - once you've got a little, it's way easier to get some more. & seeing only my friends the summer before this one was definitely a huge step on the way toward confidence. Two years ago was an awful school year for me, & I reconnected with a lot of people I'd been friends with before I'd gone through depression freshman year. I went out at least once a week; I danced; I went on a vacation & found out none of my extended family members except one could have picked me out of a line-up & felt so accepted & sang in the car even though it got me stared at by other people in traffic/truck driver; and my friends yelled things to embarrass me in large department stores.

It was incredible, & I don't think I could even have tried to be confident without that. So I don't think it's illusion at all, either.

I love all of it. Just all of it. & the funny thing was that, the day before, I'd read a review in the newspaper that was totally not in on the joke.

We seriously need to switch luck or something, because I can find it, I'm just not allowed to buy it because I'm pretty sure it has a parental advisory rating on it & my mom thinks CDs like that shouldn't even be made, much less listened to. It'd be perfect if you could find it & I couldn't!

[neverglass]

Any time! <3

I think the worst thing about shyness, for me, is that it creates regrets. Never big ones, just little ones. There was this guy who usually sat behind me on the bus my sophomore year, & I had a mild crush on him. Eventually, our bus got fuller, as it mysteriously does ever year (I don't get it...), so he started sitting next to me. There was this one day when he looked really upset about something, & I sat there for maybe five minutes wanting to ask if he was all right, but I never did.

Hahaha, I saw that. The edit cracked me up really bad, because it was so obviously a "fuck you!" for them making him do it.

My mom totally thinks that swearing scars your soul & would be horrified by Gabe. I don't think that (since I swear a lot...), & I don't really like edited versions of songs, but I wouldn't swear around a six-year-old, either, so IDK.