(no subject)
they told me to tell my mother what would help me the most. Too bad I can't. It is just too much to ask of her. Please don't tell me how good you were because you ate 200 calories today. Please don't remind me a lady leaves half the food on her plate. Please don't say are you sure you can eat that. Please don't order food from places anymore because i WILL throw it up becuase you make this big deal that I didn't eat it. Please don't drink and fight with me while your drunk anymore I can't handle it. Please stop making plans with me and canceling leaving me home alone in my bathroom. Please don't get my hopes up and crush them by calling my cell phone with some drunk message. Please don't put me down anymore. Please love me with love and not some fucked up version you call love. Please take care of me please do what parents do and parent. Please don't let me walk out the door like I am about to do because i'm buying food now.,.,.I'm eating it.,.,.I am throwing up because i hurt to much and I can't function I need to make this just go away long enough for me to do my work and this will be the only time I throw up today.
I am keeping busy this weekend. I want to make it through a weekend with out throwing up. Just one. I want to enjoy a weekend.
I don't know why but I have this feeling.,.,.this gut feeling.,.,.that I know is dead on.,.,.that she can't be bothered with me getting better.,.,.that its easier if I just lie and say I'm better. Maybe its just better I stay sick. Her knowing I'm sick only makes her worse. Makes her drink more because she can't handle it and makes her stay in more because she doesn't want to deal with me. Maybe I should just tell them all what they want to hear until she is ready to help me because I really do need her help and need her jesus I never thought I would say that.
I ate chicken tonight. I loved the chicken. That scared me. That made me nervouse I would eat it all and run into the bathroom. I got really angry that I let myself enjoy the chicken and angry at the fact that I did like the chicken. My head hurts.
I am keeping busy this weekend. I want to make it through a weekend with out throwing up. Just one. I want to enjoy a weekend.
I don't know why but I have this feeling.,.,.this gut feeling.,.,.that I know is dead on.,.,.that she can't be bothered with me getting better.,.,.that its easier if I just lie and say I'm better. Maybe its just better I stay sick. Her knowing I'm sick only makes her worse. Makes her drink more because she can't handle it and makes her stay in more because she doesn't want to deal with me. Maybe I should just tell them all what they want to hear until she is ready to help me because I really do need her help and need her jesus I never thought I would say that.
I ate chicken tonight. I loved the chicken. That scared me. That made me nervouse I would eat it all and run into the bathroom. I got really angry that I let myself enjoy the chicken and angry at the fact that I did like the chicken. My head hurts.