I don't know why I'm posting this here...
working in a bridal shop when you feel like no one loves you is the hardest thing in the world. knowing that I have to go to work tomorrow and be around all of these women who have found men that love them so much...that admire them and that think they are beautiful and capable and smart...and knowing that I don't have that is going to kill me.
So...a few weeks ago I found this note (not very hard to find to considering it was laying on the fucking stairs), something about doing lunch and it was signed by Kat. I asked what it was and I was lied too. I didn't mind because I didn't think he was cheating. I still don't. But why did lie?
Today, I think I found out who the Kat was. A friend of his named Kaitlin. She jus graduated high school and she wants him to clean her computer up before she goes to college.
And while I don't think he is cheating or going too...it kills me that he may be looking. It fucking kills me that I am not...
I use to complain so much about being a trophy and a doll. I created a journal solely dedicated to my fucked up perception...I had a screen name once that mirrored it as well...Miss Fucked Up America. But the sad truth is that was then and this is now and I will never be a throphy or a beauty queen again.
How fucking pathetic is it that I fucking peaked in goddamn HIGH SCHOOL???? HOW FUCKING SAD IIS IT TO KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER FUCKING BE GOOD ENOUGH OR SMART ENOUGH OF GODDAMN PRETTY ENOUGH AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went off to college and feel into a world of hideousness...a world where somehow I grew up and grew ugly. And now I'm one of those stupid ugly girls that asks "Was I ever a perfect 10 in your eyes?" and then fucking cries like a goddamn baby when I don't get the answer I want...
I was never good enough...even back then though...I mean fuck...if I had been good enough Shaun wouldn't have cheated on me...I wouldn't have been dumped for fat girls and then turned in to one...
So now the question becomes how do I just kill it? How do I murder the feelings, the desire to be someone special...to be loved?
I mean FUCK DON'T I EVER GET IT?!?!?!?!?!? NO ONE LOVES ME...NO ONE EVER WILL. The sad, whiney self absorbed mantra that I use whenever I am actually brought back to reality and remined of it...the ghost that will follow me to death and the one simple truth, though now my cliche, in my life: not even my own parents loved me...why should anyone else?
But how do I finally stop myself from searching for it? How do I finally stop myself from wanting? How do I kill the one fucking dream I've always had?!? Someone, please fucking tell me how?
Don't give me shit about "aww you're loved and special and blah blah blah." Its easy to say that about pixels on a fucking screen. Words that you read from a stranger every once and awhile or a girl you have met a few times...it's easy to say you are loved to a stranger that you don't....
So...a few weeks ago I found this note (not very hard to find to considering it was laying on the fucking stairs), something about doing lunch and it was signed by Kat. I asked what it was and I was lied too. I didn't mind because I didn't think he was cheating. I still don't. But why did lie?
Today, I think I found out who the Kat was. A friend of his named Kaitlin. She jus graduated high school and she wants him to clean her computer up before she goes to college.
And while I don't think he is cheating or going too...it kills me that he may be looking. It fucking kills me that I am not...
I use to complain so much about being a trophy and a doll. I created a journal solely dedicated to my fucked up perception...I had a screen name once that mirrored it as well...Miss Fucked Up America. But the sad truth is that was then and this is now and I will never be a throphy or a beauty queen again.
How fucking pathetic is it that I fucking peaked in goddamn HIGH SCHOOL???? HOW FUCKING SAD IIS IT TO KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER FUCKING BE GOOD ENOUGH OR SMART ENOUGH OF GODDAMN PRETTY ENOUGH AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went off to college and feel into a world of hideousness...a world where somehow I grew up and grew ugly. And now I'm one of those stupid ugly girls that asks "Was I ever a perfect 10 in your eyes?" and then fucking cries like a goddamn baby when I don't get the answer I want...
I was never good enough...even back then though...I mean fuck...if I had been good enough Shaun wouldn't have cheated on me...I wouldn't have been dumped for fat girls and then turned in to one...
So now the question becomes how do I just kill it? How do I murder the feelings, the desire to be someone special...to be loved?
I mean FUCK DON'T I EVER GET IT?!?!?!?!?!? NO ONE LOVES ME...NO ONE EVER WILL. The sad, whiney self absorbed mantra that I use whenever I am actually brought back to reality and remined of it...the ghost that will follow me to death and the one simple truth, though now my cliche, in my life: not even my own parents loved me...why should anyone else?
But how do I finally stop myself from searching for it? How do I finally stop myself from wanting? How do I kill the one fucking dream I've always had?!? Someone, please fucking tell me how?
Don't give me shit about "aww you're loved and special and blah blah blah." Its easy to say that about pixels on a fucking screen. Words that you read from a stranger every once and awhile or a girl you have met a few times...it's easy to say you are loved to a stranger that you don't....