something: V
i'll love you more than anything in my life.
It is a question that I often ask myself (myself, as in myself, and only me, never out loud); what is it that i want out of love? what do I want from love? what am I looking for?
In hopes of understanding myself and my wants (not needs, definitely not needs) a little better, I decided to come up with a list of sorts. Except it is not really a list... it is more like a compilation. A conversation. So? What is it, then? Speak up, now, we haven't got all day. Collegium is in a mere three hours and you still have to fulfil your dedication to your Microeconomics course...
A lover. what is a lover? What makes a lover? Someone who loves you unconditionally, your flaws, the little cracks along your porcelain jaw, who will understand you and express empathy rather than sympathy, who will, rather than telling you what you want to hear, be honest. He will be the ear that hears your wrong thoughts and then voice them in the right way, as he sees fit. A lover, whose hands are at first found with much trepidation, hesitation, a slur of thoughts that stall you for a second as you try to determine what is right and what is wrong, if touching them even the slightest would surge the feelings that linger at the back of your mind through their bodies and they understand, be it for better or worse. Yet, once they are, all contemplations disperse, and what is left is a clear mist, easy to see through, but still ominous enough that it makes you want to keep clinging on. A lover, who I can willingly walk down the streets of Kyoto with, who will stand with me under the rain, helpless (and helplessly in love) in Paris, whose form will curl into me as we lie half-awake above the Seoul cityscape at three in the morning, who will play games of spontaniety wherein we guess who will wake up first, who will rouse the other from their slumber with the scent of roasting coffee or steeping tea. A best friend, but not really, whose contents are known, but will always offer more with each passing day. Whose honesty lies before all else, who can be depended on, who can be loved, and cherished.
I want an adventure. And indeed, Love is an adventure.
Sometimes, I just wish I knew of its nature a little better...
But I am not desperate, nor "thirsty", nor too curious for my own good. Rather, I will wait. I want to see what happens to me, if my personality will ever appeal to someone in the ways I hope it will, that my hands will touch someone's heart and chin and pull them in for a kiss without being pushed away. What would it be like, to kiss someone, someone whose emotions will surge through you, too? I wonder... I wonder if I have made anyone smile before...