be natural: V
(not empty, just missing)
I often think about how happy each day was in Seoul, how i would wake up every morning with anticipation and excitement for what was going to happen that day. I remember Japan, how seemingly slow it was, how incredibly normal it felt to be there, as if i was already home, because i knew so much about it, and yet, i didn't-- there was always something new to discover about the country that i wanted to know so much more about. I loved japan, i wanted to learn more, of course. it was the same with seoul. tokyo, kyoto, and then osaka, nagoya, hiroshima, nagasaki, okinawa. i still have so much to do in these places, so much to see. I would like to have the chance one day, and perhaps that is why I am here. I have felt empty recently-- I had a body, but it was more like a shell. What did I have to devote myself to? Everything seemed to betray me... or maybe I betrayed them. There was no burning passion, no incessant need to please, to love, to give, within me, and so I didn't. Instead, I exuded anger and snobbishness, and I took advantage of the things that were given to me. Last night, I prayed for a very long time. I need to memorize the trisandya soon... When you are away from home, even the things that peeve you, that you fear even just a little, suddenly become places where you find peace. I felt like the air was filling my lungs for that few minutes last night, for the first time in a long time.
I am trying to figure out whether or not purpose is found manually or subconsciously in life. I thought that I lived to make others happ, to help others in my own special way, but maybe that isn't the case anymore... do I have to look for these things that make me comfortable, make me happy? I do not like feeling hollow... hopefully once school starts it'll go away soon.
The nagging question concerning whether or not anyone will ever love me still lingers at the back of my mind. Whose hearts have these hands touched? Whose lips did this face make curve up into a smile? Whose minds did this voice help bring peace to? I want... to mean something to someone... in a different way... with my parents, my friends, I am satisfied. But why do I always want more? Why can't i just.. not?
Signing out, for now, then. It's been too long.