addiction . . .
we once had something so good. and now . . . just a mess . . . how did something so good become such a mess?
i'm sure he would say it was when we allowed ourselves to care for another. i say it's when he decided to not allow himself to care anymore.
i am so tired . . . i know the only thing that's going to change this is for me to leave. and yet, i still don't want to . . .
i'm addicted to this mess. it's good only for the highs of when it's really good and i can get a tiny dose of fulfillment. but most of the time i'm crashing - or working on the next high.
how did i become this? if i were an outside observer, i'd conclude pathetic. sad. desperate. and i'm fighting not to hate myself for it.
i don't want to watch him anymore. i don't want to be a part of this game. i don't want to see my replacements being lined up. but i also hate when others try . . . i feel worthless, even as they shower flattery . . .
whether i want it to or not, it is all going to end very very very soon.
and then i'll have to deal with all of this.
i'm sure he would say it was when we allowed ourselves to care for another. i say it's when he decided to not allow himself to care anymore.
i am so tired . . . i know the only thing that's going to change this is for me to leave. and yet, i still don't want to . . .
i'm addicted to this mess. it's good only for the highs of when it's really good and i can get a tiny dose of fulfillment. but most of the time i'm crashing - or working on the next high.
how did i become this? if i were an outside observer, i'd conclude pathetic. sad. desperate. and i'm fighting not to hate myself for it.
i don't want to watch him anymore. i don't want to be a part of this game. i don't want to see my replacements being lined up. but i also hate when others try . . . i feel worthless, even as they shower flattery . . .
whether i want it to or not, it is all going to end very very very soon.
and then i'll have to deal with all of this.