Senior Year in play...finally
Worst case scenario that could happen to you? What would you do first than last in order...any order? I sometimes wonder that and think to myself, which I do a lot, how would I solve a problem that I couldn't solve. I also would think of ways that could make the situation worst only so it would seem to make it better. I hate being in a room where I think and I'm laughing then as soon as I get online I feel depressed. I read updated Facebook status's and think to myself, why can't my life be like there's why can't I be happy like they are. Then I write some sappy sad status on my wall just to get a response from people who don't even talk to me on a regular basis or even worry about me when things in my life are going wrong. I mean, you have to admit it to yourself, not everyone you are friends with online are the closest friends you have or people who you know would go to the end of the world with you and back. Hell, I can count on my one hand how many people would do that for me and it makes me feel great but also sad. What if those people who I hold near and dear to my heart die the next day, or what if they move away or some big catastrophic ordeal happens and I am stuck in this world by myself. I would feel heart broken and sad and depressed even more. So I sit here in my dorm room writing to a computer on a journal online because I know that no one on my other site will ever read it or bother to look at it and think and wonder to themselves have they ever felt this way before. Nor will I ever have to wonder if someone I am talking about reads this because its evasion of privacy. The main reason why I got this live journal account was because I wanted to know more about this guy I liked my sophomore year of college and then decided to leave messages on his journal. But then I grew to like this site even more because in the time of need I needed it just as much as my sanity needed me.
So here I am in the 26th year of my life come Feb, and I feel that through all of the years I have been alive I feel like as much as I have learned I have also lost. I lost myself a couple of times by dating the wrong men. I have lost all hope and faith by crying my eyes out to God and felt punished for not doing the right thing. I have lost 2 jobs in which one was clearly my fault and the other could kiss my ass. I'm not married no kids and yet still working on a Bachelor's Degree which if I hadn't fucked up the first time I went to school I would have at least had a Master's Degree by now. I still live in a dorm on campus and with my grandmother at home, I don't drive or own a car because I have no license and nor do I have 5 dollars to piss on for shits and giggles because I am broke....and yet I am alive. I have a aunt who cares and fights for me everyday through pray and found a way to get me to school and paid off my fall tuition. I have a goofy eccentric sister who wants and feels she needs to find love when she has it right in front of her. I have friends for the first time in my life who I can laugh and be goofy with and trust to tell them things which I couldn't do at my old school. As much as I would love to be married and have a child, again I don't have 5 dollars to piss on so I don't think that would be enough to wipe a baby's ass and not to be mean but I rather be single than marry a man for 72 days only say "Oops I rushed into things"
I love my life, I have no choice but to its the only one I have. Even if I don't get married or have kids at least I know in due time I lived my life and I have those people who are close to me on my one hand that I can count to share it with. That's irreplaceable, so in my 26th year of life I hope to change the first 25 years and learn from all the mistakes I made so by the time I am 27 I will have learned more than I lost.
So here I am in the 26th year of my life come Feb, and I feel that through all of the years I have been alive I feel like as much as I have learned I have also lost. I lost myself a couple of times by dating the wrong men. I have lost all hope and faith by crying my eyes out to God and felt punished for not doing the right thing. I have lost 2 jobs in which one was clearly my fault and the other could kiss my ass. I'm not married no kids and yet still working on a Bachelor's Degree which if I hadn't fucked up the first time I went to school I would have at least had a Master's Degree by now. I still live in a dorm on campus and with my grandmother at home, I don't drive or own a car because I have no license and nor do I have 5 dollars to piss on for shits and giggles because I am broke....and yet I am alive. I have a aunt who cares and fights for me everyday through pray and found a way to get me to school and paid off my fall tuition. I have a goofy eccentric sister who wants and feels she needs to find love when she has it right in front of her. I have friends for the first time in my life who I can laugh and be goofy with and trust to tell them things which I couldn't do at my old school. As much as I would love to be married and have a child, again I don't have 5 dollars to piss on so I don't think that would be enough to wipe a baby's ass and not to be mean but I rather be single than marry a man for 72 days only say "Oops I rushed into things"
I love my life, I have no choice but to its the only one I have. Even if I don't get married or have kids at least I know in due time I lived my life and I have those people who are close to me on my one hand that I can count to share it with. That's irreplaceable, so in my 26th year of life I hope to change the first 25 years and learn from all the mistakes I made so by the time I am 27 I will have learned more than I lost.