(no subject)
So this morning i woke up and decided to take everyone else's approach to everything. I deciced today I'll be happy. Fuck it sounded like a good fucking idea but it just made me realize that I care all to much about what others think and then again why shouldn't I? I mean if I look at my-self and compare my-self to no one but me it's pretty much the same as me comparing my-self to someone who I knew that was happy. So I think that it's alright to care about what others think. If I only listened to my-self I would be dead by now. So I care that my father, my sister and my boyfriend all think that every person can solve their own problems. In fact that what I used to think until I realized that every time i fixed my problem it just came back so then i figured i must need help. Now I just think I am an utter failure for not being able to fix my-self. It also is so hard when i don't have the support of the majority of the people closest to me, I feel like the should at least help me stand when I can't stand on my own and i feel like I must be spazaming while I lie on the floor becuase everyone seems to have backed away in horror. It's so hard to think when people are saying things like "you really need help" but then turn around and say "i just don't understand, why can't you just get better, heal yourself?" I am really losing it. So I tried today to be happy and I ended up crying three times, feeling humiliated and then dealing withe the product of all that stress which was a headache. The only "happy" thing i did today was play with legos and that was fun because it requires nothing but an ability to keep yourself entertained for hours yes i think my new therapy will be legos and for all you fix it yourself people FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU for undersandng how to deal with problems. FUCK YOU for being the one who looks at me wierd and tells me I have issues when I have 50 or so bleeing cuts on my arm. FUCK YOU because I am jelouse of you. I don't really mean to be rude at all really I am mad at my-self and I am to blame but I hate that I can't fix it and i hate that I am such a whiner.