(no subject)
im going to talk about the suicide of a kpop-celebrity under the cut so please keep that trigger warning in mind
i know not many of you are into kpop so you might not be aware but Jonghyun committed suicide on monday.
the news broke on twitter when i was at work on monday and since i don't speak korean i was at the mercy of translators and keeping up with the constant updates changing between "they wrote 'he fainted'" and "no they used the word for 'death'" was painful. i was so convinced that, yes he had tried to commit suicide but would wake up in some days, up until his label ultimately confirmed that he had indeed passed and since then i have ... not been very okay.
i broke down crying in the shower on monday and have been on the verge of tears constantly since then. work has been stressful and hectic and to protect myself a bit from the barrage of my colleagues' christmas-related talks and stresses i told them that an acquaintance of mine had died just so i wouldn't have to make up another excuse for me not being my cheery self. (im very cheery usually XD).
and honestly at this point it doesn't even feel like a lie.
Jonghyun was a member of SHINee, one of the most famous korean boygroups (they debuted in 2008) and he had been very active as a solo artist and song writer. i liked SHINee even before i vanished into kpop fandom two years ago or rather i knew about them and kept their song "Lucifer" as one of those silly cheer-up-videos because the dancing, the lyrics and the fashion have always been ridiculous.
they quickly became one of my favourite groups and i was especially into Jonghyun (he was my "bias" as the cool kpop kids call it). i watched tons of videos, concerts, variety shows, interviews, radio shows and i read a bazillion fanfics and spent so much time daydreaming about them.
which is of course why it is so hard for me to distract myself. my usual happy place and number one escapism spot is now occupied by this unfathomable grief and the rather sudden tragedy. i'm trying to stay away from tumblr and kpop-twitter but i'm not very good at staying away. i want to see videos and i want to read all the messages other artists leave for him. he was a good one. a wonderful and very outspoken artist (one of the few who talked about lgbt+ issues and comfort women and let's not kid ourselves those are very brave things to do in kpop), he was sexy, emotional, and bright, a sympathy crier judging from all those concerts and full of love for his family and bandmates. he left a suicide note and there are some details related to his death that make it appear that he planned it for a while. he did suffer from depression (and was open about that as well). i hope he is okay now. i hope he isn't in pain anymore. and i hope with all my heart that he isn't alone.
i thought about writing a post for him since monday but honestly there are so many wonderful posts floating around the web already, so i felt silly to add my lowercase musings - but i needed that. i just got off the phone with my dad and he immediately knew something was off and since i am so tired and exhausted from crying i am writing this, hoping i can finally get it all out and find some peace of mind.
shoutout to ayawinner and merli and of course pinku for being there for me these past few days. it would have been so much worse without you guys and i'm very happy to have you. <333
(click on the gif for the source)
goodnight baby.
im going to wish you all very happy holidays tomorrow, i promise
i know not many of you are into kpop so you might not be aware but Jonghyun committed suicide on monday.
the news broke on twitter when i was at work on monday and since i don't speak korean i was at the mercy of translators and keeping up with the constant updates changing between "they wrote 'he fainted'" and "no they used the word for 'death'" was painful. i was so convinced that, yes he had tried to commit suicide but would wake up in some days, up until his label ultimately confirmed that he had indeed passed and since then i have ... not been very okay.
i broke down crying in the shower on monday and have been on the verge of tears constantly since then. work has been stressful and hectic and to protect myself a bit from the barrage of my colleagues' christmas-related talks and stresses i told them that an acquaintance of mine had died just so i wouldn't have to make up another excuse for me not being my cheery self. (im very cheery usually XD).
and honestly at this point it doesn't even feel like a lie.
Jonghyun was a member of SHINee, one of the most famous korean boygroups (they debuted in 2008) and he had been very active as a solo artist and song writer. i liked SHINee even before i vanished into kpop fandom two years ago or rather i knew about them and kept their song "Lucifer" as one of those silly cheer-up-videos because the dancing, the lyrics and the fashion have always been ridiculous.
they quickly became one of my favourite groups and i was especially into Jonghyun (he was my "bias" as the cool kpop kids call it). i watched tons of videos, concerts, variety shows, interviews, radio shows and i read a bazillion fanfics and spent so much time daydreaming about them.
which is of course why it is so hard for me to distract myself. my usual happy place and number one escapism spot is now occupied by this unfathomable grief and the rather sudden tragedy. i'm trying to stay away from tumblr and kpop-twitter but i'm not very good at staying away. i want to see videos and i want to read all the messages other artists leave for him. he was a good one. a wonderful and very outspoken artist (one of the few who talked about lgbt+ issues and comfort women and let's not kid ourselves those are very brave things to do in kpop), he was sexy, emotional, and bright, a sympathy crier judging from all those concerts and full of love for his family and bandmates. he left a suicide note and there are some details related to his death that make it appear that he planned it for a while. he did suffer from depression (and was open about that as well). i hope he is okay now. i hope he isn't in pain anymore. and i hope with all my heart that he isn't alone.
i thought about writing a post for him since monday but honestly there are so many wonderful posts floating around the web already, so i felt silly to add my lowercase musings - but i needed that. i just got off the phone with my dad and he immediately knew something was off and since i am so tired and exhausted from crying i am writing this, hoping i can finally get it all out and find some peace of mind.
shoutout to ayawinner and merli and of course pinku for being there for me these past few days. it would have been so much worse without you guys and i'm very happy to have you. <333
(click on the gif for the source)
goodnight baby.
im going to wish you all very happy holidays tomorrow, i promise