On Lies
Sixteen years ago, 1999, my grasp on reality shattered into thousands of tiny fragments. For all practical purposes, I might as well have died.
What shattered everything? It all started with a single little white lie, planted back in 1991, about something that had to do with someone else before I was even in their picture. Little lies that are allowed to stand have a tendency to grow, to spawn new lies to cover the first one and then more of them to cover those, until it becomes a huge tangled mess of lies that reach into every other thing. When I was finally told about the first, original lie, it was too late to salvage anything. It didn't kill me instantly. It took several months for all of the ramifications and consequences to work themselves out, with me all the while clinging to what I thought I knew before, until there finally came a tipping point. I still remember what it sounded like, the tinkling sound from deep within as my mind disintegrated right in front of me.
It wasn't until about four years later that I was able to move again and think about getting back up. It turned out to be for the best in the extreme long run. I had to pick up and re-assemble all the pieces from scratch and rebuild a whole new paradigm, which is much stronger and more stable than what was there before.
And now I find myself facing the whole thing again. Because a couple months ago, and then reaffirmed a week ago, I was told something that is hugely inconsistent with what I think I see and know. Which is true, what I see myself or what I'm being told? A big piece of my current understanding of how the universe works depends on the answer. Do I have to tear it all down and start rebuilding it yet again?
Well, I've been kicking the crap out of my own paradigm for nearly two months now, and ... it's not falling down. I attack it harder, because even though my own mind is at stake and I'm kind of terrified of another shattering, in the end I'd rather have a foundation that is true and real. I rationalize everything away with all sorts of alternate possible explanations for what I think I see and know - and it just keeps coming back up completely unchanged, standing there strong as ever.
So, either I've gone completely insane, or what I'm being told is wrong.
What shattered everything? It all started with a single little white lie, planted back in 1991, about something that had to do with someone else before I was even in their picture. Little lies that are allowed to stand have a tendency to grow, to spawn new lies to cover the first one and then more of them to cover those, until it becomes a huge tangled mess of lies that reach into every other thing. When I was finally told about the first, original lie, it was too late to salvage anything. It didn't kill me instantly. It took several months for all of the ramifications and consequences to work themselves out, with me all the while clinging to what I thought I knew before, until there finally came a tipping point. I still remember what it sounded like, the tinkling sound from deep within as my mind disintegrated right in front of me.
It wasn't until about four years later that I was able to move again and think about getting back up. It turned out to be for the best in the extreme long run. I had to pick up and re-assemble all the pieces from scratch and rebuild a whole new paradigm, which is much stronger and more stable than what was there before.
And now I find myself facing the whole thing again. Because a couple months ago, and then reaffirmed a week ago, I was told something that is hugely inconsistent with what I think I see and know. Which is true, what I see myself or what I'm being told? A big piece of my current understanding of how the universe works depends on the answer. Do I have to tear it all down and start rebuilding it yet again?
Well, I've been kicking the crap out of my own paradigm for nearly two months now, and ... it's not falling down. I attack it harder, because even though my own mind is at stake and I'm kind of terrified of another shattering, in the end I'd rather have a foundation that is true and real. I rationalize everything away with all sorts of alternate possible explanations for what I think I see and know - and it just keeps coming back up completely unchanged, standing there strong as ever.
So, either I've gone completely insane, or what I'm being told is wrong.