Wherein Manda Breaks Into Tiny Pieces
I want to preface this by saying I really, genuinely like Angry Geek's girlfriend, and I fully endorse their relationship. But that said:
I am intensely and agonizingly jealous of their relationship. Not envious...well, that too...but jealous. I see him once a week if I'm lucky, for about 24h. There's an international border involved, and I have so many responsibilities at home that I simply can't spend any more time with him than that, at least in person. And it aches. It aches that, despite that little piece of paper that ties us together, I can't be his fucking wife. We can't be primary partners to each other in any meaningful way. The fact that I support him financially just isn't cutting it.
And there she is. It feels like all the time, even if I know better intellectually. He went to her house (she lives in an outlying area) for the weekend, and when he went home, she came along for another couple of days. A four-day visit isn't unusual, frankly. And they get to be all casual and relaxed, and their time together isn't restricted, and they don't have to struggle to pack everything into a day at a time, and it's come to the point where I have to think about their schedule when deciding when to go see him.
And as much as it pains me, I'll admit that part of it, the envy part, has a little to do with the very strong impression I get that, other than our shared partner the Fluffmaster General, my others have absolutely no interest in a genuine, fully-formed relationship with me, whereas I know damn well his girlfriend is falling for him and wants to spend a lot of time with him. Well, I know for a fact that one isn't looking for any more than it is, and the other has never given me the impression he's looking for a deeper connection. That discrepancy hurts, and I'm not even comforted by the irony that of the two of us, I'm the one who's open to falling in love with my others, and yet he's the one who finds others who are open to falling in love with him.
But no, the envy isn't even that big a deal. I know she has no intention of supplanting me, and my place in his heart couldn't be any more secure, but nonetheless. There is another woman who occupies more of my husband's life than I do. And it burns.
And I hate myself for it. And I hate that I have to work this out here and leave it for him to see, rather than telling him directly how I feel, because when I feel things he gets so angry and I can't stand to be yelled at again just for having something to cry about.
I am intensely and agonizingly jealous of their relationship. Not envious...well, that too...but jealous. I see him once a week if I'm lucky, for about 24h. There's an international border involved, and I have so many responsibilities at home that I simply can't spend any more time with him than that, at least in person. And it aches. It aches that, despite that little piece of paper that ties us together, I can't be his fucking wife. We can't be primary partners to each other in any meaningful way. The fact that I support him financially just isn't cutting it.
And there she is. It feels like all the time, even if I know better intellectually. He went to her house (she lives in an outlying area) for the weekend, and when he went home, she came along for another couple of days. A four-day visit isn't unusual, frankly. And they get to be all casual and relaxed, and their time together isn't restricted, and they don't have to struggle to pack everything into a day at a time, and it's come to the point where I have to think about their schedule when deciding when to go see him.
And as much as it pains me, I'll admit that part of it, the envy part, has a little to do with the very strong impression I get that, other than our shared partner the Fluffmaster General, my others have absolutely no interest in a genuine, fully-formed relationship with me, whereas I know damn well his girlfriend is falling for him and wants to spend a lot of time with him. Well, I know for a fact that one isn't looking for any more than it is, and the other has never given me the impression he's looking for a deeper connection. That discrepancy hurts, and I'm not even comforted by the irony that of the two of us, I'm the one who's open to falling in love with my others, and yet he's the one who finds others who are open to falling in love with him.
But no, the envy isn't even that big a deal. I know she has no intention of supplanting me, and my place in his heart couldn't be any more secure, but nonetheless. There is another woman who occupies more of my husband's life than I do. And it burns.
And I hate myself for it. And I hate that I have to work this out here and leave it for him to see, rather than telling him directly how I feel, because when I feel things he gets so angry and I can't stand to be yelled at again just for having something to cry about.