It's been a while...(2x)
I know, I know.. Long time no see..
And it would be of much use if I would write a little more. Cause there's so much going on, but I just can't find the words to spill it out. I'll probably even think when I'll read this back in a few months "she's nuts", or I might not even understand half of what I've been writing about.
But oka, now I'm here anyways, I can use it to get somethings off my chest.
Not that it's going to help much, but you never know.
I'm not quite myself since the past few weeks. I find myself getting quieter and more sad then ever before. Everything that does seems happy feels like a mask, just to keep people from asking how I'm doing. And maybe to keep the appearance everything is okay for myself aswell. The biggest part in doing that, is that I hardly know what's going on myself. I wish I knew, so I can help myself getting out of it. Like I'm used to. But the more I think about it, the more I wander to the wish that I had a place for myself so I jus don't have to deal with other people's unimportant, so called, problems.
I'm very much used to taking care of every problem people drag to my doormat. But I'm taking steps back from that old me, cause I'm done with only being important to clean up other people's messes. Cause it's not my business and I dont to make it mine either. I understand that people dont understand where this "change" is suddenly coming from, cause they know me as ther person that cant say no and always shows up when people need me and step back when they just push me aside. But that era is over. The best thing I can do is knowing that I can only depend on myself and the people for whom I'm just as important as they are for me. For example, you feel it coming; My brother. I just know he's worth every minutes, second, of my time and effort. Cause I know that the same the other way around. So I really dont have to worry that that will be a waste of time. But most of the other people I have "in" my life are. With some exeptions of course.
I shouldn't be needed for their entertainment when they wish me and show off when I need them for once. And take their problems if their my own, which they keep making me do. So I took my distance from some of the people in my current life. Cause telling them why I dont like their behavior is just no option. Cause they'll try to put their version of proof I'm wrong in my head and made me believe that I'm a bad person in the end. And that time is over. They better talk behind my back for the things I didn't do then for the really bad things I did. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. There's no defense againt the truth, and there are no lies needed to cover up what I supposedly done, since I didn't. I just closed the book of contact with those people, in hope they might realize that they are the ones that caused this, instead of pointing the finger at me. Cause in the end they dont care shit about me and that's the way I want them, to be honest. And if that is that they dont give a fuck, that's not my missing out, but theirs. And again not my problem. Missed oppertunity for them to have a good friend, cause I can honestly say that I AM a good friend, as long as I know a friendship is worth the effort.
Cause something most people dont know if that a broken or harmed friendship can break a heart too. And some people did that a little too often if you ask me. And I just want to cut myself loose from that and make a choice for myself once and for all, not be feel needed anymore, only when people think I'll come in handy for something they can take advantage of.
And this doesn't go only for the "friends" part, but also the part when it comes to my parents. Once again? NO, STILL! They just keep pushing pawns cause they know that I'll always be losing the game anyways. Afterall, how can it be possible to win their own made game with their own made rules. Which they change all the time so they keep winnen under ANY circumstance.
I wasn't talking much with my parents, that's nothing new, but I now really dont share much anymore. Even the fact that I'm really not doing well at the moment is something I keep to myself. However it's really unlikely that it's not visible, cause I can see that they notice. But instead of worrying about that and trying to do something to make it better, they just keep pushing it further and further. But I didn't expect any different from them, to be honest. But it's quite a shock when my mom starts talking to me about the fact that she's been spreading the word about me not doing very well at the moment. I mean, WTF?? Clearly you noticed, so why not take action to try to atleast find out what up.. But I think that's a little farfetched, and I'll be the psyco one since that's the way I think. Yeah sure, for me that would be a perfectly normal reaction, especially when it's concerning your children, but again, normal aint that normally speaking when it comes to my parents.
They keep pushing my sense of guilt, eventho I haven't done a single thing wrong, or haven't played a single part in what they want me to take the blame for. When I tell them what I find of a certain situation they go off on me like a bunch of wild dogs. Well don't fucking ask me for my opinion when you can't handle the truth. Or just take it and do whatever you want with it, but certainly DON'T use any of my own words against me. Especially not when it has really nothing to do with the subject. I not responsible for their stupid actions. And I'm by all means not the person that needs to find a solution for them either. It's not freaking my fault you spent money they dont have and dive into debts which they provoke by that. Sorry, but I'm a little too smart to take the blame any longer.
I really used to think that everything was in the end my fault, cause they had their way to make me feel that way. But here is when I drew the line and I'm determined to not let anyone cross it. Eventho something really gets to my heart. This is the time when I got enough from all the non-sense they brought into my life. All the days I've spend feeling guilty for things I didn't do. Plain, over, finished, done.
I really get annoyed by a certain person the past weeks... It keeps getting worse and worse. The person just seems to do everything to make me more pissed off by each passing day. I really didn't know that someone could push me that far, but OMG, this person really knows how to. I just need to really hold myself back, cause sometimes I just feel like screaming load and clear that this person really IS a maniac. Crazy. But really not in the good sense. I mean really really insane. All that's coming out of that person is making me sick, cause it's all bullcrap. Things that are easily to shatter, but that person seems to be too damn stupid to see that. The person gets carried away with things that it becomes an obsession, which the person spreads among unknowing and VERY sensitive people, which I really warned that person for, cause some people are so sensitive that they can easily get so scared that they just can't function anymore. Which I think you really wouldn't want to have on your conscience. Or maybe that's just my sick thinking again. That person really makes me wonder about myself sometimes... If I'm the psyco one here, because I care so much about the people around me. That I take caution with almost everything I say, just so I dont scare or offend people. Is it so much asked for to reckon with your fellow man? I think it's simple part of everyday life, but clearly that doesn't COUNT for everyone. So it seems. Which again makes me wonder if that's really only a thing that I'm concerned about.
Really, maybe it's me trying to compare myself to others, in order to try to find out a "normal" inbetween all the insanity in myself. But maybe I'm the "normal" inbetween all the insanity around me. But it really seems to be the first thing that comes to my mind. Since this seems to be only the mentality that my brother and I ply. And I know we must be the once that are the loonies...
Anyways, lots that's bothering me and less that I can say that's going well at the moment. Of course me and my brother are still getting along great, of which I'm very proud. And really not taking for granted. Along with the treatment I'm getting from, espacially, my youngest cat. He's constandly around me and he's really taking care of me. Comforting me to the max. He's really doing all he possibly can to make me feel better. And I really love him for doing that. But that only makes it more and more clear to me that I'm reall rediating that something is going on inside of me. That it's even sensible for a cat, says it all. I do like how my cats do their best to cheer me up, but it just makes it a little too clear for myself. And it's nothing I can hide or fight. And I hate that, cause it makes me feel like I'm failing myself. But infact I just need to try to deal with it and accept that somethings take a little more time then just a few days. Clearly this is something longer lasting and I just have to accept that. Eventho it's hard on me.
Good, now I probably will get requests to make a cut in this entry by a few, but really... This is not something I place under a cut. I wont efface this, cause I get eliminated too much already. So, sorry in advance if I mess up your page, but this time I wont take measures.
And it would be of much use if I would write a little more. Cause there's so much going on, but I just can't find the words to spill it out. I'll probably even think when I'll read this back in a few months "she's nuts", or I might not even understand half of what I've been writing about.
But oka, now I'm here anyways, I can use it to get somethings off my chest.
Not that it's going to help much, but you never know.
I'm not quite myself since the past few weeks. I find myself getting quieter and more sad then ever before. Everything that does seems happy feels like a mask, just to keep people from asking how I'm doing. And maybe to keep the appearance everything is okay for myself aswell. The biggest part in doing that, is that I hardly know what's going on myself. I wish I knew, so I can help myself getting out of it. Like I'm used to. But the more I think about it, the more I wander to the wish that I had a place for myself so I jus don't have to deal with other people's unimportant, so called, problems.
I'm very much used to taking care of every problem people drag to my doormat. But I'm taking steps back from that old me, cause I'm done with only being important to clean up other people's messes. Cause it's not my business and I dont to make it mine either. I understand that people dont understand where this "change" is suddenly coming from, cause they know me as ther person that cant say no and always shows up when people need me and step back when they just push me aside. But that era is over. The best thing I can do is knowing that I can only depend on myself and the people for whom I'm just as important as they are for me. For example, you feel it coming; My brother. I just know he's worth every minutes, second, of my time and effort. Cause I know that the same the other way around. So I really dont have to worry that that will be a waste of time. But most of the other people I have "in" my life are. With some exeptions of course.
I shouldn't be needed for their entertainment when they wish me and show off when I need them for once. And take their problems if their my own, which they keep making me do. So I took my distance from some of the people in my current life. Cause telling them why I dont like their behavior is just no option. Cause they'll try to put their version of proof I'm wrong in my head and made me believe that I'm a bad person in the end. And that time is over. They better talk behind my back for the things I didn't do then for the really bad things I did. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. There's no defense againt the truth, and there are no lies needed to cover up what I supposedly done, since I didn't. I just closed the book of contact with those people, in hope they might realize that they are the ones that caused this, instead of pointing the finger at me. Cause in the end they dont care shit about me and that's the way I want them, to be honest. And if that is that they dont give a fuck, that's not my missing out, but theirs. And again not my problem. Missed oppertunity for them to have a good friend, cause I can honestly say that I AM a good friend, as long as I know a friendship is worth the effort.
Cause something most people dont know if that a broken or harmed friendship can break a heart too. And some people did that a little too often if you ask me. And I just want to cut myself loose from that and make a choice for myself once and for all, not be feel needed anymore, only when people think I'll come in handy for something they can take advantage of.
And this doesn't go only for the "friends" part, but also the part when it comes to my parents. Once again? NO, STILL! They just keep pushing pawns cause they know that I'll always be losing the game anyways. Afterall, how can it be possible to win their own made game with their own made rules. Which they change all the time so they keep winnen under ANY circumstance.
I wasn't talking much with my parents, that's nothing new, but I now really dont share much anymore. Even the fact that I'm really not doing well at the moment is something I keep to myself. However it's really unlikely that it's not visible, cause I can see that they notice. But instead of worrying about that and trying to do something to make it better, they just keep pushing it further and further. But I didn't expect any different from them, to be honest. But it's quite a shock when my mom starts talking to me about the fact that she's been spreading the word about me not doing very well at the moment. I mean, WTF?? Clearly you noticed, so why not take action to try to atleast find out what up.. But I think that's a little farfetched, and I'll be the psyco one since that's the way I think. Yeah sure, for me that would be a perfectly normal reaction, especially when it's concerning your children, but again, normal aint that normally speaking when it comes to my parents.
They keep pushing my sense of guilt, eventho I haven't done a single thing wrong, or haven't played a single part in what they want me to take the blame for. When I tell them what I find of a certain situation they go off on me like a bunch of wild dogs. Well don't fucking ask me for my opinion when you can't handle the truth. Or just take it and do whatever you want with it, but certainly DON'T use any of my own words against me. Especially not when it has really nothing to do with the subject. I not responsible for their stupid actions. And I'm by all means not the person that needs to find a solution for them either. It's not freaking my fault you spent money they dont have and dive into debts which they provoke by that. Sorry, but I'm a little too smart to take the blame any longer.
I really used to think that everything was in the end my fault, cause they had their way to make me feel that way. But here is when I drew the line and I'm determined to not let anyone cross it. Eventho something really gets to my heart. This is the time when I got enough from all the non-sense they brought into my life. All the days I've spend feeling guilty for things I didn't do. Plain, over, finished, done.
I really get annoyed by a certain person the past weeks... It keeps getting worse and worse. The person just seems to do everything to make me more pissed off by each passing day. I really didn't know that someone could push me that far, but OMG, this person really knows how to. I just need to really hold myself back, cause sometimes I just feel like screaming load and clear that this person really IS a maniac. Crazy. But really not in the good sense. I mean really really insane. All that's coming out of that person is making me sick, cause it's all bullcrap. Things that are easily to shatter, but that person seems to be too damn stupid to see that. The person gets carried away with things that it becomes an obsession, which the person spreads among unknowing and VERY sensitive people, which I really warned that person for, cause some people are so sensitive that they can easily get so scared that they just can't function anymore. Which I think you really wouldn't want to have on your conscience. Or maybe that's just my sick thinking again. That person really makes me wonder about myself sometimes... If I'm the psyco one here, because I care so much about the people around me. That I take caution with almost everything I say, just so I dont scare or offend people. Is it so much asked for to reckon with your fellow man? I think it's simple part of everyday life, but clearly that doesn't COUNT for everyone. So it seems. Which again makes me wonder if that's really only a thing that I'm concerned about.
Really, maybe it's me trying to compare myself to others, in order to try to find out a "normal" inbetween all the insanity in myself. But maybe I'm the "normal" inbetween all the insanity around me. But it really seems to be the first thing that comes to my mind. Since this seems to be only the mentality that my brother and I ply. And I know we must be the once that are the loonies...
Anyways, lots that's bothering me and less that I can say that's going well at the moment. Of course me and my brother are still getting along great, of which I'm very proud. And really not taking for granted. Along with the treatment I'm getting from, espacially, my youngest cat. He's constandly around me and he's really taking care of me. Comforting me to the max. He's really doing all he possibly can to make me feel better. And I really love him for doing that. But that only makes it more and more clear to me that I'm reall rediating that something is going on inside of me. That it's even sensible for a cat, says it all. I do like how my cats do their best to cheer me up, but it just makes it a little too clear for myself. And it's nothing I can hide or fight. And I hate that, cause it makes me feel like I'm failing myself. But infact I just need to try to deal with it and accept that somethings take a little more time then just a few days. Clearly this is something longer lasting and I just have to accept that. Eventho it's hard on me.
Good, now I probably will get requests to make a cut in this entry by a few, but really... This is not something I place under a cut. I wont efface this, cause I get eliminated too much already. So, sorry in advance if I mess up your page, but this time I wont take measures.