Trying to be happy
This is for several people. Some who read this, some who don't. I just need to say it.. or write it somewhere. I've been thinking about the last 8 years and how much I've changed. I love who I am now. I know I'm not perfect all the time, but I'm happy with the person I've become. I know I make mistakes, but I also know that people have the ability to forgive. There are still things I would like to improve upon, but I never imagined even two or three years ago, that feeling like this was possible. That looking back at myself at that time, how I thought I would be unhappy forever and how it isn't like that. I know there were only select moments that kept me going, but everything I went through has made me the person I am today. I am so grateful that I made it through that. I wish I could tell everyone who is in that position that it doesn't have to last and that they can feel like I can now. However, it wasn't easy, it doesn't just go away. I was in therapy for six years, the majority of which I was also trying different meds to find out what would work. Even after I found the right medication, I needed two years more of therapy to get over everything. But if you can outlast that, the results can be great. Tonight I looked back at some of my journal entries. As I recently told one of my close friends, looking back at that time is like looking through frosted glass. I almost feel like it didn't exist, because it feels so different that who I am today.
Anyway, here are some examples of how I felt then:
9/18/2005
The worst part about everything is that I know it will always be something I have to deal with forever, because it seems like the medication always is changing. My mood swings from manic to depressive all too often. And there's no cure for what I have. Sometimes I feel like it is going to suppress my ability to be successful. Can you imagine what a bipolar lawyer looks like in court?
10/30/2005
I don't know what to do. My hands don't seem to be shaking as much, but they still do on occasion. I'll discuss it with Dr. Martel. I don't want to go through the nausea that accompanies changing medication. But an even bigger problem has come up and I don't know what to do about it. It isn't fair. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of fate.
11/6/2005
I want to know when life will look like it is worth it again.
11/7/2005
So many things have gone wrong in the last week and it has left room for so many things to go wrong this next week. I feel like I'm missing out on life a lot these days. That and the sense that everyone hates me makes life unbearable. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't see this scenario repeat itself every few months. I wish I didn't blame myself so much, why do I think that everything is my fault? Even big things that are beyond my control. I can't stand it. I can't deal with the fact I know what is true but I can't help but have all these negative thoughts that everything is a conspiracy against me. I find it strange that all I want to do is talk about it, but it is also the last thing I would want to do. Because I know it makes me feel worse. Your sympathy and words of encouragement mean nothing and you probably won't understand why because I have trouble understanding too. I only know that it makes me feel worse because it is verifying the fact that their are qualities in me that are very twisted and that no one understands.
11/10/2005
I remember thinking in elementary school that all the new kids made friends so fast and I always had trouble. I still want to know why I always had trouble. I know that in high school I became a horrible person for awhile, especially junior year, but I couldn't help it. Bipolar disorder does that to you. It's like you are trapped inside yourself and it does all the talking for you and suddenly people don't like you anymore. And I tried to explain it to everyone, but they didn't understand.
11/15/2005
I wish things could be easier, but I can't change anything. I'm understanding more and more about what's wrong with me everyday, which is good. I know now that certain events that happened up to eleven years ago have hurt me to the point where I will have problems for a very long time (I don't want to think that they will last forever though). I know that people will have problems understanding and also how important it is not to let people know what has happened, because it could backfire later on when they use it against me. I've been very careful about that this year. I realize that a lot of people have problems, but I feel like mine are so much greater (sometimes), but then it makes me selfish for feeling that way and I try to think that we all have our difficulties. But if my problems weren't greater than others, why would I need a pact (well maybe not need, but have someone want me to have a pact)
I also just realized tonight that I cannot help how I have trouble being around certain people for no reason sometime. Although, I haven't experience this that much since Senior year. I remembered that my aunt, at one time, would ignore me- she doesn't do this anymore. She has some of the same attributes as I do and so I must consider that I may be the same way. It hurts me a lot to think about this, just like it hurts to know that I have hurt people. I know that is why I have trouble getting crushes now, because I never want to repeat what I have done. Still, it feels good to know that someone, who knows somewhat that I have difficulties, would still like me. Just to give you a little background. When I broke up with Jason it was because I was going through a major depression episode and I wanted to pause the relationship because it seemed like I was taking out all my frustration on him, which he definitely didn't deserve- at the time. I still haven't forgiven myself for my actions during that period, even though it is likely that it was beyond my control.
All this makes me feel like I'm absorbed in myself right now. All I can think of is the tragedies I went through in Arizona and why Arizona represents these negative things. There was so much abuse and betrayal. And one thing that I find so terrible is that even in therapy sessions, I downplay a lot of my emotions, both in the past and present. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like it would scare people and I don't want to do that.
11/25/2005
I wish I didn't have so many obsessive-compulsive thoughts or questions, whatever you want to say they are. I don't like questioning the validity of what people say to me. I wish I could be gullible so that even if someone really hated me, I would still feel they liked me. That has to be better than this. It distances me from people and prevents me from socializing as much. I know I'm getting better, but it is too hard to be like this. Every time I have a thought that starts with I know this person doesn't like me because..- I try to get rid of it by saying this can't be true because they did this.. But it is never enough.
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That was one of the low parts in my life. There were others, but they weren't documented this much. When I read it, I remember how I felt, but I almost feel like it wasn't me. I just want you to know, that if you keep your head up, you can feel like I do now.