Real Life: Good For You, Part 3
Master Post | Part Two
The next couple of days, Jensen stays true to his word and gives Jared some time to think. Which, for Jared's part, means he has plenty of opportunities to almost set off a panic attack or hyperventilate himself into a blackout, before resolutely deciding not to think about it at all. He manages to focus on his finals for the most part, and definitely does not, at all, wonder where Jensen is hiding. Nope.
Of course, Jensen could just be preoccupied with his own finals--God knows that Jared's got enough studying to do--but Jared doesn't even see him at all around the house. Occasionally there will be an empty coffee mug in the sink, or stale coffee left in the pot, but apart from that Jensen seems to have evaporated into thin air.
On Thursday afternoon there's a note on the fridge:
Jared,
Went home for break. Hope you have a good one! Merry Christmas! :)
- Jensen
Word of the day: eructation. It means to belch, or the act of belching.
It's got nothing to do with anything. I just think it's funny. Smile, Jay!
Jared stares at the note for a long time, and doesn't realize there are tears on his cheeks until one of them hits the corner of his mouth and he can taste the salt.
Numbly, he wipes his face on the sleeve of his hoodie and walks back upstairs to where his English Lit books are waiting for him, not feeling anything at all. Shoving the books aside, he logs into World of Warcraft and voice chat on autopilot, not even checking to see who's online, desperately needing not to think about Jensen, or how he knows what Jensen sounds like sucking his dick, or Smile, Jay!
"Motherfucker!" Chad greets him, voice crackling in Jared's headset. "Where the fuck have you been?" He sounds annoyed.
Despite Chad's tone, Jared missed the sound of his friend's voice, and without thinking he searches for his character, finds that he's nearby, and seeks him out. Chad's gnome has a green mohawk, and even just seeing the small, pixelated version of his friend on his screen makes Jared feel like crying again.
He has to try twice before he finds his voice. "Around," he simply says in response to Chad's question.
Something must have shown in his voice, because Katie speaks next, concern evident in her tone. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah," Jared sighs, making excuses, "Finals week. I've been busy. You know how it is."
A small voice in the back of his head says maybe Katie doesn't know how it is. He has no clue how old she is. He doesn't know if she even went to college, or maybe she's too young for that?
"Too busy to pick up a fucking phone?" Chad demands, his gnome jumping up and down in front of Jared's character. "I know you're all big man on campus right now, but that doesn't mean you can't fucking call me every now and then!"
A pang of guilt hits Jared square in the chest at that. The mental notes to call Chad were at the back of his mind, but they always seemed to disappear when Jensen was around. Having dinner with Jensen. Going out with Jensen and his friends. Playing Playstation until he lost track of time completely.
"Dude, leave him alone," Faceman's voice pipes up in Jared's ear with a laugh. "He's probably busy being all gayed up with his new roomie."
Chad laughs and makes an obscene kissing noise over the microphone which makes the speakers of Jared's headset crackle in his ear, and before he knows it, a new wave of emotions slam into him again, rushing over him and making him angry--so angry that his vision blurs and Chad's gnome becomes a colorful dot of purple and green and black.
"Shut up!" Jared almost yells into the headset, and a chorus of "Ow!"s immediately follow, and--oh, clearly a lot of people are logged on right now--but Jared doesn't even stop to acknowledge them. "You know, if you want to talk to me so badly, why didn't you pick up a fucking phone, Chad? I don't have to fucking check in with you on a regular basis! I'm not obligated to give you fucking status updates on my life! I am allowed to have a life outside of you, and outside of this stupid fucking game! My life doesn't revolve around your existence, and it didn't fucking end after you just fucking ditched me to go frolicking in fucking California!"
Chad's microphone briefly crackles, but Jared pushes on. "I have my own shit to deal with, I have friends that aren't you, and sometimes I just don't want to play this fucking retarded game! I have a fucking real life, Chad!" he yells, for real this time, before falling silent.
The splash of colors stopped moving on Jared's screen, and once Jared's vision clears he can see that Chad's now standing completely still in front of him, his character staring directly at Jared's.
Voice chat is silent for a good, long while, before there's a ping! and Jared quickly tabs out in time to see the "Mayhem has gone offline" message.
When he tabs back into the game, Chad's gnome has logged off.
Sighing, Jared rubs a hand over his face, and he feels like crying again. Fucking fail. On so many levels.
Biting it back and swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he stares numbly at his character and runs in a circle.
"Well," Faceman's voice comes after a while. "Awkward."
Jared snorts once in disgust, then logs off. The game clearly won't provide him with the needed distraction right now, so he might as well pretend to study for his last final tomorrow.
Jared's last final passes by in a blur, and he has no clue how he did once everything is said and done. He doesn't have it in him to worry about it though; he just heads back home and packs for Christmas break. His parents have already arranged for him to fly down to Texas, and he tries desperately not to think too much as he packs his suitcase with robotic movements; goes through the house and makes sure all the lights are switched off and then locks up behind him.
He thought briefly about leaving a note on the fridge, just a "Merry Christmas" or something, because he doesn't know when Jensen is coming back and he might be back before Jared is due to return in early January--but in the end, he decides against it.
Instead, Jared drives the sixty-something miles down to Pittsburgh and puts his car in long-term parking, and it's not until he's safely onboard the plane, feeling gravity pull him back into his seat as the landscape gets smaller through the little window, that he feels like he can breathe again.
Texas is just the right temperature; certainly not cold, but it's definitely not the sweltering heat of summer, either. His parents meet him at the airport, and if Jared takes a few extra moments to just hug his mother tightly, and if they notice that his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, they don't comment on it. Instead his mother just kisses his cheek and his father claps him on the shoulder, and says, "Welcome home, son, Merry Christmas!"
His room hasn't changed at all--why should it have? He's only been gone for a few, short months. Yet with all that's happened since moving in with Jensen, Jared feels like it's been a lifetime. His mind flashes on Jensen's face in the dark, so close, and he has to close his eyes against the emotions that come with memory.
Jensen makes Jared feel good; he knows this. But he's not sure if it's because Jensen's been a good friend to him and break him out of his loneliness, or because there's something more there. Jared's almost scared to even think about it. As if somehow, by suggesting he have feelings for Jensen, Genevieve made him curious. Curious enough to...
Part shame, part excitement, and part confusion, all mingled together and swirling around in Jared's chest, pushing at him and making him feel vaguely like he's free falling with no net to catch him.
Still, standing in the middle of his room in his parents' house makes something in Jared relax. He's home, he's safe, he's surrounded by the people he loves the most in the world, and for the first time since Jensen walked out of his room in the house on 4th street, he allows himself to think about it, feeling some of the tension leave his body.
Christmas passes pleasantly, and with every day he spends in his family's company, Jared relaxes further until he almost feels lethargic about the whole thing. On Christmas morning he opens his presents with genuine happiness, but his thanks are quiet and polite rather than his traditional whoops of joy, and it's enough to almost worry his mother. Thankfully, when he tells her he's fine, she believes him, or at the very least decides pushing the matter wouldn't lead anywhere.
Megan makes a lame joke or other about Jared being too grown-up and boring to be any fun now that he's in college, and then Jeff helpfully points out that you're supposed to get drunk a lot and have casual sex in college, not get boring. After that, their mother has to send Megan out of the room while Jared's praying to every higher deity he knows that he's not actually blushing.
He spends the next couple of days thinking about Jensen. He thinks about casual sex, thinks about how Genevieve believes he likes Jensen, and then he thinks about the way Chris and Steve would look at him--how they'd carefully emphasize their words, and exchange glances with Jensen as if they knew something he didn't. By the third day after Christmas, Jared's still not sure if he's gay, but he's at the very least decided he likes Jensen more than he likes other people, so that's something--right? So maybe he likes it when Jensen's around, and maybe he likes it when Jensen laughs, and fine, he liked the kiss. And yeah, okay--he liked the blowjob, too.
That thought is scary enough to almost make Jared tense up again, but fortunately, that night they have his mother's pot roast for dinner, and that's a meal that's simply so awesome it shifts every potential panic-inducing thought out of Jared's mind.
Jeff invites Jared to a party on New Year's Eve. They're both on the receiving end of a rather weak attempt at a lecture about not drinking too much from their father. He tells both boys to be careful, because if Jared gets busted for underage drinking, so help him God--and then their mother gives an outraged shriek from the kitchen, and has to tell their father that the point wasn't for Jared not to get caught. But nobody says Jared can't go, so he figures he should keep socializing--keeping himself in practice, so to speak.
The party is hosted by a friend of Jeff's, and although Jared's definitely on the younger end of the scale, Jeff takes care to stay by his side, introducing him as "My little brother, JT," until he seems to decide that enough people have gotten the unspoken message, Don't mess with him. Jeff's really kind of awesome.
Eventually he decides that Jared will survive on his own for a while, and Jared's sitting on one arm of the couch, just people watching. He's nursing his second beer, not even feeling buzzed, when someone stumbles into him, jolting his arm and causing him to spill his beer down the front of his shirt.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," the person says, and Jared shakes off some excess liquid from his clothes, wondering how he's always the one who ends up looking stupid when other people keep knocking into him.
"It's fine, no big," he says, putting his half-empty glass on the table and surveying the damage. His shirt is wet, but he avoided the crotch, so at least he won't spend the rest of the evening looking like he wet himself. It could be worse.
The person who stumbled into him actually turns out to be a girl, about Jared's age, he guesses. She's got blonde hair and vague freckles spread across her nose, and when Jared smiles at her, she stomps her foot.
"It's these fucking heels," she explains with a sigh. "I'm not stumbling around drunk, I promise."
Jared glances at her feet, and her heels are indeed impressive--tall and spiked and he has no clue why anyone would even strap them onto their feet, much less attempt to walk in them. "Wow. Maybe a stupid question, but--why?"
"Oh, you know." She shrugs and shifts a little, tugging at her dress, very clearly uncomfortable. "New Year's Eve. You're supposed to get all dressed up."
Jared looks down at his own beer-wet t-shirt and light blue jeans, and immediately feels kind of sheepish.
"Not that there's anything wrong with what you're wearing!" the girl adds hurriedly, "Your wet clothes are awesome--I mean, your clothes are awesome, but they're wet." Then she turns bright red and literally slaps a palm across her face, muttering to herself. "Dear God. Stop talking. Stop talking."
Her fumbling is incredibly familiar to Jared, except unlike Jared she also seems to voice her obvious embarrassment out loud. It's oddly like watching a female version of his own personality, and Jared finds himself smiling, because really--it's not as bad as he'd feared.
"Let's try this again," he says. "Hi, I'm Jared, and I'm wearing a wet t-shirt because some random person bumped into me and made me spill my beer."
He takes care to keep his tone light and teasing, briefly remembering how Jensen would do the same for him in his more embarrassing moments, and it seems to work. The girl removes her hand from her face and visibly relaxes a little.
"I'm Sarah," she says, making an embarrassed gesture as she shakes his hand. "I'm wearing an uncomfortable dress and heels I can't walk on to try to impress a guy."
Jared laughs at that, and she gestures again, past Jared's shoulder this time.
"Do you need me to get you another drink?"
Jared's a little confused for a moment, but then he remembers setting aside his beer, and quickly glances at the table. "Oh, no, I'm good, there's still some left. Anyway, I think my brother Jeff might kill me if I drink too much."
Sarah's eyes go wide, and her face turns almost purple, she's blushing so hard. "Oh my God," she gasps, "Jeff? Jeff Padalecki?"
Jared nods. "Yeah. You know Jeff?"
"Yeah, I--from med school," she stammers--which, oh, puts her closer to Jeff's age than Jared's--and Jared frowns. Why is this girl getting so flustered just because he's Jeff's little brother?
It takes about another half a nanosecond for Jared to piece together what's going on, but when he does, he tries not to gape--he really does--but this is just too good, and his jaw drops a little. This girl is here in a skin-tight little strapless dress and wobbly heels to impress his brother. His brother Jeff, who Jared knows would rather date a girl in jeans and a football jersey than a girl in six-inch heels and a strapless dress.
"No way!" he says, and Sarah starts stuttering again, giggling nervously.
"Fuck my life," she complains, more to herself than to Jared, "I spilled beer over Jeff's little brother, this evening can't get any more awesome. I'm stuck in horrible heels, and I spilled beer all over Jeff's little brother."
It's adorable to watch, and now that Jared realizes this girl is actually into his brother, he doesn't even feel bad thinking that.
"You totally have a thing for my brother," he says, because he can't help himself. He thinks it's hilarious, and at the same time he can't help but think they'd be really good together, too! She's cute and funny, intentionally or unintentionally, and the more he wraps his head around it the more he thinks Jeff might really be into her too, if he'd just realize it. Jared doesn't know how well she knows Jeff already--maybe not too well, since she doesn't realize that the dolled-up style has never been Jeff's thing--but he's certain that even if he knows her, he just needs to see her in the right light.
Sarah shoots him a death-glare, but there's no real anger behind it, and even if there was, odds are it would be lost in her incredible blush.
"Shut up," she mutters, and Jared laughs, louder than he'd meant to.
"I can't even tell you it's none of your business, 'cause he's your fucking brother." she whines.
Jared's laugh dies fast at that, and realization washes over him. Isn't this sort of what Genevieve was doing to him?
He's gone for most of the evening without thinking about Jensen besides the odd, little fleeting thought, but now it all rushes back to him in a hurry. Feeling oddly guilty that he's been joking with Sarah's crush on Jeff, when Genevieve was so calm and sweet when she confronted Jared with the possibility of his crush on Jensen--and Jared still hasn't reached a final verdict on that, by the way--Jared clears his throat, and glances at Sarah.
She definitely noticed that he stopped laughing. Now she's looking worried on top of her embarrassment, and Jared's guilt turns it up a notch in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I shouldn't make fun."
She bites on a nail and smiles a little. "It's no big."
"Still. I shouldn't make fun. I don't know how well you know my brother, but if you want, I could put in a good word for you?"
Her blush, which had started to fade, comes back a little, and she looks awkward. "That's sweet of you, but you don't have to do that, Jared. I don't really know him anyway, and I don't even think he's noticed me tonight. Despite this ridiculous outfit."
"Well, then," says Jared with determination in his voice, "we should try to change that."
They find Jeff outside in the back yard. Jared half-drags Sarah over, and immediately pinches his brother's arm to get his attention, and oh, what a coincidence, don't you know Sarah from med school? After that, Jared quickly realizes that maybe the dolled-up style might be Jeff's thing after all, at least if the way he stares is any indication.
After that the conversation rapidly turns awkward for Jared, because he's trying to not intrude on Jeff's obvious pickup lines and Sarah's mad embarrassment and stuttering, and he leaves them alone soon enough, walking away with a smirk as Jeff's buddies chuckle among themselves. When the countdown gets going, everyone is gathered outside, and even across the cheers and hoots of the crowd, Jared can hear Sarah's squeak as Jeff ducks his head down to kiss her.
Jared looks at them, looks at the people around him embracing and hugging and kissing. Jeff's buddies are slapping him on the back and wishing him a happy new year, and he gives out smiles and nods in return, and just breathes deeply. He thinks about his brother and Sarah and then thinks about Jensen's lips--gently pressing against his own. In his head, he can hear Jensen's easy laugh, and something warm settles in the pit of his stomach.
It's outside of Jeff's friend's house, surrounded by people he doesn't know, with the echo of Jensen's warm laugh ringing in his head, that the knot in Jared's chest fades--just melts away into nothing.
I'm gay, Jared thinks, and it's almost completely out of the blue. He stares at nothing, thinks of kissing Jensen again, and tests the sentence out in his head once more. I'm gay.
Jared doesn't kiss anyone at all at midnight, but feels happy nonetheless.
There's a thick layer of snow on the ground when Jared walks out of the airport in Pittsburgh, and the cold slams into his face, making his skin sting. Jared has to spend a good 20 minutes scraping the ice off his windshield, but when he finally gets in his car, which thankfully starts despite the freezing weather, he still feels warm. Jittery and nervous, but warm.
The drive back takes entirely too long, and the prospect of possibly seeing Jensen again makes Jared's stomach twist in a way that he can't quite decide if he likes or not. In his head, he can already hear Jensen's laugh, his voice--see that easygoing smile that makes his mouth lopsided.
He hasn't heard from Jensen all break, and he wasn't expecting to. He wanted to call after New Year's Eve, but didn't have the courage to. He toyed briefly with the idea of sending a text, but decided against it, because what would it even say? Happy New Year and by the way, I'm gay? Hell, he doesn't even know if Jensen's back from break yet--after all, it's still a full week until classes start again--but Jensen lives only a few hours away, so Jared hopes.
When he pulls up in front of number 57 on 4th, Jensen's truck is in the driveway, and Jared's heart starts beating overtime in his chest. The lights are all off though, the house dark and silent, and when Jared walks in the door and is greeted by nothing but silence, it's apparent that nobody's home.
He busies himself with unpacking his bag and checking his e-mail--he's got one from Chad that simply says, "Call me, you ass." He doesn't reply, and instead mindlessly surfs the internet. He goes on YouTube and tries to find every appearance of the masturbating bear ever. He reads about the latest patch in World of Warcraft, but he can't bring himself to log into the game. He hasn't been online since he blew up at Chad, and he's not ready for that yet. He reads all about the latest Halloween remake on Wikipedia, and tries his very best to avoid staring at the clock-- pretends he's not actually just waiting for Jensen to come home.
It's nearly eleven before Jared hears footsteps on the front porch, and already he's out of his room and halfway down the stairs, heart pounding in his chest, before he realizes that Jensen's not alone out there. He can hear two voices, muted through the door. He hasn't turned on any lights, so Jared creeps to the living room window and peeks out.
Jensen's standing outside with a guy Jared's never seen before. They're both bundled up in heavy winter coats, and Jensen's got a bright red scarf wrapped at least four times around his neck, covering the lower half of his face. The other guy's tall, as tall as Jensen, and he's got his back halfway turned to the window Jared's looking out of, but Jared can still see dark brown hair peek out under a beanie hat. The soft glow from the street light is just bright enough for Jared to see how the corner of Jensen's eyes crinkle as he smiles, and something heavy settles on Jared's chest--something not unlike jealousy.
"...fuckin' awesome," Jensen says, words muffled beneath his scarf.
"I had a good time, Jen," the guy says, and Jared bristles at the use of Jensen's nickname. "I'd like to see you again."
If Jared had any hopes he might just be paranoid, they're squashed. Jensen's on a date.
Jensen doesn't directly answer the guy, just chuckles a little.
"I had a good time too," Jensen says, and Jared can't tell if he's lying or not.
It's as if time slows down, and the guy reaches up in slow motion to pull on Jensen's scarf, exposing the lower half of his face and giving him access to Jensen's lips. He's leaning in, blocking Jensen's face from view but clearly kissing him nonetheless, and Jared's breath hitches in his throat.
He feels vaguely cheated again. All his worrying and stressing over Jensen, over kissing Jensen, over the blowjob--his nerves over seeing Jensen again, for nothing? And he realizes with a start that just because he muddled through his own mind, just because he realized that he is gay and that he really likes Jensen, just because Genevieve was right, it doesn't mean that Jensen likes him back.
Jeff's remark about casual sex rings in Jared's head, and his eyes start stinging--except just as he's about to step away from the window and go back upstairs, pretend he never saw anything at all, Jensen moves. Pulls his head to the side and away from the other man's with feigned casualness, and pulls the scarf back up over the lower half of his face.
"Jesus, it's cold," he says with a chuckle, and this time Jared can tell he's acting--playing off the kiss as if it didn't happen.
The guy doesn't move for a few seconds, and Jensen just looks at him, eyes twinkling. Eventually, Jensen clears his throat and wraps his arms around himself.
"Well. It's freezing. I'm gonna get inside."
That's a clear dismissal if Jared ever heard one.
The guy nods a little and Jared can't see his face, but Jensen's still smiling, so it looks like he's at least pretending to handle the rejection smoothly. "I'll see you around, Jen."
"See you around, Henry," Jensen says, and then watches as the guy--Henry--walks down the steps of the front porch and down the street, before turning to the door, fumbling in his pocket for his keys.
It just then occurs to Jared that Jensen's about to walk inside, and he's standing by the window, in the dark, like some kind of stalker.
He almost trips over himself to get out of the living room, but he manages to get into the kitchen and flip the light switch before the door opens and Jensen walks in, stomping snow all over the hallway, and by the time Jensen's putting away his coat and toeing off his boots, Jared's walking out of the kitchen with what he hopes is a casual look on his face.
"Hey," he says, and Jensen looks up with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Jared," Jensen says, voice even.
Jared's not sure what to say. The jealousy he's feeling is still simmering under the surface, but at the same time witnessing Jensen on a date--knowing that Jensen accepted a date, even if he ended up rejecting the guy--makes him acutely aware that there's a very real possibility that Jensen's just not into him that way. That Jensen was just trying to help Jared sort out his sexual identity crisis, in his own drunken way, or worse--that he was just after casual sex, and never wanted anything more.
There are a lot of things Jared wants to say. He wants to ask Jensen about his date. He wants to tell him he sorted out his thoughts regarding his own sexuality. He wants to ask Jensen where they stand.
Instead, what comes out of his mouth is, "Did you have a good Christmas?"
A smile spreads on Jensen's face then, that same lopsided one Jared's been thinking of, and Jared relaxes a bit. They're clearly not talking about the blowjob, as if it never happened at all, and if it's not exactly the outcome Jared wants, well, he'll just have to deal. Jensen seems perfectly happy with it, anyway.
"Yeah, I had a good Christmas," he says. "How about you?"
Jared thinks about his family and wants to say, I'm gay, but instead settles on, "It was great."
Jensen's smile grows wider. "I'm glad. Welcome back, Jay."
They stare at each other for another few seconds, and for a moment Jared thinks Jensen's going to say something else--for a moment, Jared thinks he's going to say something else--but then Jensen clears his throat and the spell is broken. Jared rubs his neck a little bit in the silence, and then starts heading up the stairs.
"Well, uh--I'm gonna--I'm gonna head to bed," he says awkwardly, and then resolutely doesn't look back at Jensen.
"Kay," Jensen says from behind him. "Oh, and Jay?"
Jared can't help it; he pauses on the top step and turns. Jensen's smirking up at him, hands in his pockets.
"What?"
"Quit pervin' on my dates, peeping Tom."
Jared can only be grateful that the kitchen light is the only one on, because that way Jensen can't see the fierce blush that spreads across his cheeks and down his throat.
Over the next couple of days, Jensen and Jared do their best to make everything appear normal. If Jared isn't quite as outgoing as he was before Christmas, Jensen doesn't say anything, and if Jensen doesn't hang around the house as much as he used to, opting instead for going over to Tom's or going out with Mike, Jared doesn't mention that either. Instead they pass the time with careful conversations and endless Tekken matches.
Jared doesn't go back to the game. He gets another text from Chad the day after he comes home, but he ignores it. He knows he was a complete asshole, but he's just not ready to focus on an apology--partially because he's still a little bit mad at Chad, even if it is completely unjustified, and partially because right now, all he wants is to focus on getting his friendship with Jensen back to normal.
Jensen doesn't go on any more dates, and he doesn't mention Henry again--but he doesn't do anything to make Jared believe he wants to kiss him or hand out more free blowjobs, either. Jared wants to tell Jensen he's gay--really he does, but there just never seems to be a good time to bring it up. When he tries, his throat tightens and something forces all the air out of his lungs--and between the Tekken and the banter about the new semester, the tales of their respective Christmases, nothing much really gets said at all. Jared is baffled at how many words they can use to say so little.
On the Friday before spring semester starts, Jared wakes up to the sound of Jensen's truck pulling out of the driveway.
When he walks downstairs, there's a note on the fridge.
Went to a show with Chris and Steve - be back Sunday.
It's not signed, and there's no quote or silly word definition, and Jared thinks it's the ultimate metaphor for how things are between them at the moment; some semblance of normal, but still--something's missing.
He spends the day surfing Fark, and it's not until early evening that's he's pulled out of his little self-pity party by a knock on the door. He's not sure whether he wants company or not, but Jared still goes downstairs to open it, fully expecting it to be Tom or Mike, or maybe Genevieve, since they're the most frequent visitors to the house. That's why he's completely unprepared for the sight of Chad standing on his front porch, shivering in the cold.
"Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking cold," Chad bitches, and Jared blinks.
"Chad?" he says dumbly, because part of him is convinced he's dreaming. Chad standing on his doorstep in Bumfuck, Nowheresville is too surreal for his brain to process properly.
"Let me in, motherfucker," Chad says in response.
"Chad?" Jared asks again, his brain seemingly having shut down.
"Oh for fuck's sake." Chad elbows his way past Jared then reaches past him to close the door, shivering and groaning. "I fucking hate this stupid state."
He starts stomping the snow off his sneakers, and Jared finally gathers his wits about himself enough to process that he's not, in fact, dreaming, and Chad really just walked into the house.
"What--the hell?" he stutters. "What are you doing--why are you--how?"
"Nice," Chad snorts, dropping a small duffel bag at Jared's feet and shrugging out of his jacket, which--yeah, definitely not a winter coat. No wonder he's so cold.
"One of us had to salvage this sorry excuse for a friendship," Chad announces, picking up the bag again. "And since you clearly aren't pulling your head out of your ass anytime soon, I decided I had to. You're up top, right?"
Jared blinks. "What?"
"Your room," Chad clarifies, with a Duh look on his face, "Upstairs?"
"Yeah," Jared confirms meekly. "Upstairs."
Chad nods, seemingly more to himself than Jared, and immediately heads up the stairs. Still fighting the feeling of surrealism, Jared follows him and watches as Chad pokes his head in every door until he finds Jared's room, and then walks inside and plops down on the bed, immediately making himself at home.
"How did you even know where I live?"
"Got your address from your mom." Chad shrugs. "You don't call, you don't write... A guy can develop a complex, you know."
Jared finally starts to get with the program, and a slight pang of guilt blossoms in his chest--but there's also the residual annoyance and anger.
"I wasn't the only one who stopped calling," he says, the accusation clear from his tone. "I've had a lot of shit on my mind, Chad."
Chad looks serious, more serious than Jared can ever remember him being.
Also, very tan.
"I figured," Chad says with a shrug. "It was been brought to my attention I may have been a less than stellar best friend lately, so--you got me until Sunday. The shrink is in, dude."
"What?"
Chad makes a vague gesture. "The shrink is in. Spill the beans. Whatever you got going on, tell me about it. I don't promise I'll understand, but I promise I'll make an honest effort to." Then he pauses and frowns a little. "Unless it's about furry sex. That shit's fucking batshit."
The bad joke helps break the tension a little bit, and Jared sits down on his desk chair, chuckling a little as he feels the lingering traces of anger fade. "It's not about furry sex," he says.
He watches as Chad stretches out on his bed, and thinks about all the years they've known each other. He remembers Chad. Friendly, outgoing Chad. In some ways, a more crude, but no less caring version of Jensen. Chad's his best friend, and Jared takes a deep breath; figures it's time to stop being an asshole. Figures if there's only one person in the world he should trust, it's Chad.
"I'm gay, Chad."
Jared takes extra care not to look away--looks Chad directly in the eyes, and waits for a reaction.
It never comes.
"And...?" Chad prompts.
Jared has a distinct anticlimactic feeling in his chest.
"And?" he says, incredulously. "And? Chad, I just told you I'm gay."
"Yeah, I heard you," Chad confirms with a nod, wrapping himself up in Jared's covers. "Man, I'm so fucking frozen. I don't know how you can stand this weather."
"Chad!" Jared nearly explodes, gesturing wildly. "Don't you have anything to say about that? It's kind of a big deal to me!"
Chad pauses in arranging the covers into a cocoon and smiles at Jared. "Dude, how long have we known each other? I get that it's a big deal, and I really appreciate you telling me--but come on, did you really think that would matter to me?"
Jared looks down then, ashamed and not at all certain of what he was nervous about just a moment ago.
"No," he mutters, and it sounds sullen even to his own ears.
There's a guffaw from Chad's general direction. "How did you think I'd react? Did you think I'd think you'd somehow gotten the gay from your big gay roommate? Did you think I'd like, shun you? You know me better than that, dude."
Shame burns hot in Jared's throat, and his cheeks are red, because he does know Chad better than that. When he lifts his head again, he meets Chad's eyes, and tries to convey everything he feels, everything he's been struggling with--everything he's been wrong about, for the last few months.
"Sorry," he says, the apology he's been sitting on finally making its way up his throat.
Fortunately, Chad's not a very complicated guy--at least not where Jared's concerned--so he doesn't need anything else than that single word. "Apology accepted." he says easily. "So how did this whole sexuality revelation come about? Anything else on your mind?"
Jared's mind flashes on Jensen, and instead of his warm laugh all he hears is the sound of his truck pulling out of the driveway. When he briefly closes his eyes, all he can see is the guy, Henry or whatever, pulling down Jensen's scarf and leaning in for a kiss.
Before he can really control it, Jared starts talking. He tells Chad about how he almost became a hermit after Chad left, though he takes extra care not to make it sound condescending or like he's blaming Chad--Jared knows the lack of effort was all his own fault. He tells Chad about Jensen, about how he'd just accepted Jared into his circle of friends, and how he's found himself getting used to having a functional social life again. Then he talks about Genevieve; how she's become one of his best friends around here, and how he hasn't spoken to her since the night she unknowingly triggered his sexual identity crisis.
Finally, he talks about Jensen, about the kiss at the party--though he leaves the blowjob out--and his excitement over seeing Jensen again after the break. He tells Chad about Jensen's botched date, and how Jared's not even sure where they stand anymore. By the time he stops talking, Chad's successfully wrapped himself in every single one of Jared's covers and blankets, and only a small portion of his face is visible. His eyes squint at Jared through an opening in the covers, and Jared can't really make out his expression anymore. The whole thing looks ridiculous, but it still somehow makes Jared happy. Getting everything off his chest feels good, and even though it's still completely surreal, the fact that his best friend is actually here--in Pennsylvania--freezing his ass off to just be there for Jared, making the long trip for just two days, makes him so happy he's practically giddy with it.
"Jared," Chad says, lips barely visible between the covers, "I'm gonna give you some advice, okay?"
Jared nods.
"You think too fucking much."
Jared's not quite sure how to react to that, so he doesn't react at all--just sits stiffly and waits for Chad to continue.
"You think too fucking much, and you definitely worry too fucking much. You were so fucking worried about whether or not you were gay, it sounds like it didn't even fucking occur to you to just fucking come talk to me, dude. I would have been there for you. I'm not actually a shrink, you know, but maybe you wouldn't have had to fucking bottle everything up by yourself."
"Well, Jensen--," Jared begins, but Chad cuts him off.
"Jensen nothing. You're so fucking worried about how Jensen feels about you, but did you ever actually dig your balls out of the massive fucking vagina you grew, and ask him? Did you talk to him about anything at all?"
"I told him about my Christmas," Jared mumbles lamely. God, he really is a loser, isn't he?
"Hell," Chad continues as if Jared had never spoken, "you even worry about what he'll think about you playing fucking computer games, dude. Yet weren't you just telling me how you two beat the shit out of each other in Tekken a bunch? For Christ's sake, man, just man the fuck up and talk to the man! You like him, don't you?"
"I don't know," Jared mumbles.
"You don't know?" Chad sounds annoyed now.
"I don't know," Jared repeats, then immediately wants to bang his head on the wall in frustration with the whole situation. "I mean, I think I do. I'm pretty sure I do."
"Well, figure it the fuck out then talk to him," Chad says. "Really, what's the worst that could happen?"
Jared stares.
"He could reject me. He could think I'm a lame computer nerd. I could ruin our friendship. I'd have to move again. It would suck."
For the most part, they're horrible arguments, and even Chad knows it. He scoffs from his cocoon on the bed.
"Jaybird, you're my best friend in the whole universe, and I love you, but you gotta learn that nothing is the end of the fucking world, man! From what you've told me, Jensen doesn't seem like the type to chuck you out just because your lame gay crush on him is unrequited. Sure, some people are gonna be dicks about you being gay, and sure, sometimes shit in general just sucks beyond imagining, but it'll always blow over, dude. Stop worrying about the fucking what ifs, stop worrying about what other people think--even if that other person is Jensen--and take a fucking chance for yourself, you fucking pussy."
His voice has gradually risen in volume, and the final word almost echoes off the walls of Jared's room.
Jared remains silent for a long while, letting Chad's little rant sink in. He tries hard to get past the block in his head that insists that Jensen went on a date so he's probably not interested in Jared anyway, and instead he tries to focus on just--Jensen. Playing Playstation with him. Telling him about his family and how he spent most of Christmas break sneezing his way through every minute spent in his brother's company since his brother apparently had developed a habit of practically drowning himself in aftershave. Showing Jared his favorite places to eat around town, and auditioning for a musical with Jared's encouragement.
It's enough to put a smile on his face, and the cocoon moves with Chad's satisfied nod when he notices.
"Dude," Jared says. "I can't believe you fucking flew to Pennsylvania just for a weekend."
The rest of Chad's stay passes by uneventfully. They spend most of their time playing on Jensen's Playstation or just bullshitting around. Chad tells Jared about Sophia, who he's apparently been seeing more and more of, although he insists nothing's going on--yet. Jared takes Chad to the Mexican place Jensen showed him, and Chad eats almost as much as Jared, which is pretty impressive.
By the time Chad leaves Sunday afternoon, Jensen still isn't home, and Jared says goodbye with a promise to stay in touch more often and a lump in his throat.
"It sucks you didn't get to meet him," Jared says in the doorway as Chad is tucking his coat around himself. "Worst timing ever, dude."
"Yeah, yeah," Chad grumbles, already annoyed with the cold. "See if I bother coming to visit again. Bitch, bitch, bitch."
Jared just smiles then pulls Chad into a hug that's probably a little more emotional than Chad's manly ego would otherwise have allowed. Just this once though, Chad seems to allow it--possibly in an attempt to soak up some body heat before braving the few, cold steps to his waiting taxi--and when they pull apart, he gives Jared a cheeky grin and an honest to God thumbs up.
"Good luck with everything. And stay in touch, Jay-pad. I mean it!"
"Right back atcha," Jared shoots back, and then watches until Chad's safely inside his cab, disappearing around the corner two blocks down.
Now, the only thing Jared can do is wait for Jensen to come home.
By the time Jared hears Jensen's truck in the driveway, he's had plenty of time to work himself into a near panic, nerves high strung and heartbeat so strong his chest is hurting. For a brief moment, he considers just forgetting about the whole thing and just hiding away in his room forever, but then he hears Chad's voice in his head, telling him to just take a fucking chance for himself, and hell--if Chad could fly across the country for a weekend, just to give Jared that piece of advice, the least Jared can do is follow it.
With blood rushing in his ears, Jared runs down the stairs, tunnel visioning in on the door handle turning. He lands on the bottom of the stairs, narrowly avoiding getting a face full of door again as it swings open, and Jensen appears in the doorway.
"I'm gay and I'm a geek who plays World of Warcraft and I think I like you," Jared rushes out, all in one breath.
Jensen immediately freezes in place. His scarf is covering his mouth again, but Jared's pretty sure he's gaping behind it. His eyes are wide open, green contrasting with the red of his scarf, and he doesn't move a muscle, his face a ridiculous mix of shock and amusement. That's about when Jared realizes they're not alone.
Behind him, Chris and Steve both stare at them with eyes as wide as Jensen's.
"Well," Chris says, and there's not a thing in the world that can stop Jared's face from turning an impressive shade of red. "We'll just be going, then."
Steve bumps Jensen's shoulder, bringing him out of his shock. "We'll just catch ya later, Jen. Seems you got some business to take care of here."
"Hold up a sec," Jensen says to Steve, and Jared's heart sinks in his chest. "Give me a minute, guys? I'll be right out."
Chris and Steve exchange a look, and then they both glance at Jared. "Okay, man, but if you're not out in five, we're taking your truck and leaving without you."
Jensen clears his throat and closes the door behind him, and then he's alone with Jared.
"Come on," he says, pulling his scarf down and walking back towards his room, motioning for Jared to follow. "Steve's van broke down outside of Harrisburg, so I'm helping them get their amps and shit back to his place--I just had to stop by for some clothes, because I got caught in the crossfire of their little prank war."
Jensen doesn't elaborate on what getting caught in the crossfire entails, or why he'd need a change of clothes because of it, so Jared figures it's best not to ask. Instead he mutely follows Jensen back to his room, then hovers nervously just outside the door as Jensen walks inside to change.
"So," Jensen's voice drifts to him, "World of Warcraft?"
Jared's not sure whether to be scared or relieved that that's the piece of information Jensen zeroes in on. He's not sure about this whole situation in fact, but he opts to let Jensen do the talking for now. In fact, he thinks maybe after having made a complete idiot of himself--and outed himself--in front of Chris and Steve, he should just be completely quiet for a while, but unfortunately Jensen seems to expect an answer.
"Uh, yeah," he gets out. "I guess."
There's silence from Jensen's room for a few moments, save from the faint rustling of clothes, and then Jensen appears in the doorway, dressed in a gray Stones t-shirt and dry jeans. He's carrying his coat and scarf in one hand, and he leans against the doorframe, so close that it's making Jared nervous. He fights the urge to take a step back.
"Good for you," Jensen says. "Why's it matter?"
Jared opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, trying to come up with an answer.
"It's geeky," he eventually gets out, feeling every bit as lame as he sounds.
"Dude," Jensen says, laughing now--that kind laugh of his that immediately touches Jared's chest and warms him from the inside. "I don't care. How is that any different from when we kick back with some Playstation, Jay?"
"I dunno," Jared mumbles. "I'm weird."
Jensen looks at Jared for a while, waits until Jared's eyes meet his again. "Jared," he says carefully, "I'm majoring in learning how to be someone else. I want to perform for people for a living, but would rather lose the chance of a great part than open my mouth and sing a single note in public. I sleep until three in the afternoon. If it wasn't for coffee I'd probably never get up until sunset at the very earliest. And on top of that, I keep trying to kill you with our door. Do you really think you're the weirdest tenant in this house?"
"No, I think Chris is," Jared says without thinking, then immediately feels awkward and lame again.
Jensen just laughs again, stepping back into his boots and doesn't bother lacing them up. It's enough to make Jared relax a little, and it hits him then, what Jensen said. He doesn't think Jared's weird or lame for being a computer geek. Of course, when he lets his guard down a little and offers Jensen a tentative smile in return, that's when Jensen strikes.
"So you're gay and you like me?" Jensen says nonchalantly.
The sudden subject change is fast enough to almost make Jared's head spin, and his mind just shuts down. He frantically tries to come up with something to say, but comes up blank. He should be asking if Jensen likes him. He should be asking if the kiss before Christmas meant anything--if the blowjob was more than just casual sex, but suddenly he can't make a sound.
"I--," he eventually croaks out, but that's all.
Jensen's still smiling, but he's clearly waiting for something more than seemingly random vowel sounds, and Jared has never wanted to sink into a hole in the ground this badly before.
"Jared," Jensen says, putting his coat on, "Jay. I know you have this thing where your brain and mouth sometimes don't work so well together, and for the most part--God help me, I think it's cute. But it's kinda hard for me to figure out where to go from here, unless you can give me a straight answer." He pauses and grimaces a little, clearly amused with his own pun. "So to speak, anyway. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna give you some extra time to get your ducks in a row while I go help Chris and Steve, and when I come back tonight, you can tell me what's up, okay?"
Jensen sounds so calm and rational about the whole thing, Jared's mind is working overtime trying to catch up. He doesn't need extra time to get his ducks in a row; he knows how he feels, he just needs to get his brain working again and find the courage to say it!
Wrapping the scarf around his neck again, Jensen zips up his coat, and his eyes twinkle at Jared over the edge of the fabric. There's a strange sort of edge to his gaze though, and Jared realizes with a start that Jensen looks--nervous. Smiling still, sure, and definitely trying to play it as cool and casually laidback as he seems to be about everything, but there's a slight strain to his smile, and a barely-there tremble of his voice that Jared's certain he's not imagining, and--Jensen's nervous!
"If it helps any, though," Jensen says, pushing off the doorframe, "I won't think any less of you no matter what happens from here, okay? If you decide you're just confused then chalk it up to college experimentation. Good for you, I won't mind."
Jared's not convinced, and the more he studies Jensen, the slight tremor in his voice, the twitch his hand makes as he shoves it into his pocket, the more clear it becomes what Jensen's doing here. He's giving Jared an out. A final chance to back down and forget anything ever happened between them.
Resolve settles in his chest then, and his brow furrows almost involuntarily.
Fuck that!
"Don't go," Jared says, and he's surprised at the strength of his own voice. Not a stammer, not a stutter, because for the first time since he moved in with Jensen--maybe for the first time since before that--he can see everything perfectly clearly, he knows exactly what he wants, and Jensen's it.
"I'm not confused," he tells Jensen, whose eyes widen. "I'm not confused, and I'm not experimenting. I am definitely gay, and I definitely like you."
Jensen's eyes are wide over his scarf, wider than Jared's ever seen them. They stand there for what seems like forever, yet with every passing second, Jared's nerves settle down a little bit more, because he's so certain now--of everything.
"Oh," Jensen finally says. Then he grins wide under the scarf, smiling with both corners of his mouth, and it's so good to see, Jared can't help but grin back and laugh--he's so happy, he feels giddy with it.
"Oh," Jensen says again. "Good for me, then."
Jared laughs again, and Jensen sways a little closer.
"In case you didn't realize it," he whispers to Jared, "I'm pretty gone on you."
"I caught on eventually," Jared responds.
When he tugs down Jensen's scarf and leans in to kiss him, Jensen doesn't twist his head away at all--he just meets Jared's lips with his own, mouth warm and hands coming up to clutch at Jared's shirt. Jared just sort of melts against Jensen, body pressing against his, and he smiles into the kiss, smiles and breathes deep through his nose, and just lets himself feel.
They don't even break apart when Chris honks the horn of Jensen's truck then drives off down the street.
It's the fourth weekend after the spring semester starts, and it's a good weekend. There's Led Zeppelin on the stereo, Jensen is in the upstairs shower, and Jared and Chad are in a pretty epic battle with a Gnoll named Hogger. All in all, Jared can't ever recall being this happy.
Chad's making snorting noises as his alternate character--a stubby dwarf--runs in circles on Jared's screen. "Dude," he says, voice crackling over voice chat, "I think we're too low level for this!"
"Nonsense," Jared says with gusto, "Kill it! Kill it with fire!"
Chad responds something about not having any fire spells, but Jared loses focus when there's a pounding on the door.
He briefly considers not answering, but then he remembers that Genevieve was supposed to come over to borrow one of Jensen's books for a class she's taking that he took last semester. Jared figures it's better that he lets her in and get the book to her than make her have to come back later--or worse, disturb his boyfriend in the shower. Then he has to take a moment to do a little victory dance in his head, because he has a boyfriend now! It's already been a few weeks, but Jared still feels like jumping up and clicking his heels together over it.
For right now though, he resigns himself to the fact that he'll most definitely have to start his epic battle over again, and stabs a finger at the talk button.
"The door," he says, "I gotta get this."
"Motherfucker," Chad yells, his voice fading to a murmur as Jared puts down his headset. "Fuck this. I'm going back to my warlock."
Jared chuckles to himself then heads downstairs.
"Hey, handsome," Genevieve says with a wink as he lets her in. "Jensen was supposed to loan me a book?"
"I think it's in his room," Jared says, leading her down the hallway and pushing open the door.
The book's sitting on Jensen's bed, and Genevieve picks it up with a wide grin. "Awesome, thanks a ton. Saves me having to buy it. Where is Jensen, anyway?"
Genevieve's known about him and Jensen since day one--everyone did--already duly informed so by Chris and Steve. Hell, the two little shits probably called everybody they knew as soon as they left the driveway. Still Jared can't help it; he blushes. "He's in the shower," he admits.
Genevieve gives him an incredibly dirty grin, which only makes him blush harder.
"I'm happy for you," she says, and her voice is warm. It's a hilarious contrast to the still-dirty grin on her face, and Jared clears his throat.
"Shut up," he mumbles, but he's still smiling, so she laughs. Then her grin turns into a soft smile, and she reaches out a hand to touch Jared's arm gently.
"Seriously, Jared. I really am very happy for you--for both of you. You know he had this little crush on you from the moment he met you, right?"
Jared blinks a little. "He did?"
"Yeah," Genevieve laughs, "swear to God. Chris told me he described you as 'serious fucking eye candy' before you'd even moved in. And then after you moved in and he got to know you, you were pretty much all he could talk about." She chuckles a little. "It actually got kind of annoying sometimes."
Suddenly, Jared understands all the looks and the stares and the silent conversations between Jensen and his friends. Jensen said he was totally gone on Jared--Jared's pretty sure he would remember that moment for the rest of his life, the moment when he knew everything was going to work out--but he had no idea the attraction went that far back. And then he thinks about how Jensen's mere presence, his attitude and posture, had seemed to relax Jared from the very first moment they met. He remembers hearing Jensen's laugh and feeling warm inside, and he thinks he's really glad Jensen accidentally tried to kill him with the library doors that day.
Genevieve kisses his cheek when she leaves, and Jared closes the door behind her with a happy lump in his throat and a warm feeling in his stomach.
When he goes upstairs, he realizes the shower is no longer running and he has every intention of teasing Jensen about the eye candy comment, but the taunt dies on his lips when he enters his room.
Jensen turns on Jared's chair and looks a little sheepish. "Sorry," he says, pulling a little bit on the towel around his hips. "I got curious."
Jared frowns a little and peeks over Jensen's shoulder. On his screen, his character is alive. Barely, clinging to life with a mere five health points left--but alive. At his pixelated feet lies Hogger, dead, with the bag signalizing he's got loot over his head.
Jared's duly impressed, not only by the fact that Jensen seemingly managed to figure out the basic controls for the game, but also kill the monster Jared needed to kill--and without Chad around to help, since Chad apparently did indeed go back to his main character.
Jensen grins awkwardly and laughs. "You always look like you have fun," he explains. "I wanted to see what the fuss was about."
Jared's not even sure how to respond. "Well, what's the verdict?" he asks.
"It's pretty okay," Jensen says, in that tone that tells Jared he really likes something, but is downplaying exactly how much he likes it.
A wide grin spreads on Jared's face then, and he wants to say something more, but then Jensen stands up, and Jared gets a little distracted, because--he's got Jensen, he's got his boyfriend, standing in the middle of his room, fresh out of the shower and clad only in a towel. All that damp, smooth skin, and--really, Jared's 19. Who can blame him if he forgets all about his game for a while?
Still, he knows exactly what to get Jensen for his birthday in a month and a half.
Jared's best friend is a Gnome Warlock, and his boyfriend is a Night Elf Hunter.
College is pretty much awesome.
End.
Master Post
The next couple of days, Jensen stays true to his word and gives Jared some time to think. Which, for Jared's part, means he has plenty of opportunities to almost set off a panic attack or hyperventilate himself into a blackout, before resolutely deciding not to think about it at all. He manages to focus on his finals for the most part, and definitely does not, at all, wonder where Jensen is hiding. Nope.
Of course, Jensen could just be preoccupied with his own finals--God knows that Jared's got enough studying to do--but Jared doesn't even see him at all around the house. Occasionally there will be an empty coffee mug in the sink, or stale coffee left in the pot, but apart from that Jensen seems to have evaporated into thin air.
On Thursday afternoon there's a note on the fridge:
Jared,
Went home for break. Hope you have a good one! Merry Christmas! :)
- Jensen
Word of the day: eructation. It means to belch, or the act of belching.
It's got nothing to do with anything. I just think it's funny. Smile, Jay!
Jared stares at the note for a long time, and doesn't realize there are tears on his cheeks until one of them hits the corner of his mouth and he can taste the salt.
Numbly, he wipes his face on the sleeve of his hoodie and walks back upstairs to where his English Lit books are waiting for him, not feeling anything at all. Shoving the books aside, he logs into World of Warcraft and voice chat on autopilot, not even checking to see who's online, desperately needing not to think about Jensen, or how he knows what Jensen sounds like sucking his dick, or Smile, Jay!
"Motherfucker!" Chad greets him, voice crackling in Jared's headset. "Where the fuck have you been?" He sounds annoyed.
Despite Chad's tone, Jared missed the sound of his friend's voice, and without thinking he searches for his character, finds that he's nearby, and seeks him out. Chad's gnome has a green mohawk, and even just seeing the small, pixelated version of his friend on his screen makes Jared feel like crying again.
He has to try twice before he finds his voice. "Around," he simply says in response to Chad's question.
Something must have shown in his voice, because Katie speaks next, concern evident in her tone. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah," Jared sighs, making excuses, "Finals week. I've been busy. You know how it is."
A small voice in the back of his head says maybe Katie doesn't know how it is. He has no clue how old she is. He doesn't know if she even went to college, or maybe she's too young for that?
"Too busy to pick up a fucking phone?" Chad demands, his gnome jumping up and down in front of Jared's character. "I know you're all big man on campus right now, but that doesn't mean you can't fucking call me every now and then!"
A pang of guilt hits Jared square in the chest at that. The mental notes to call Chad were at the back of his mind, but they always seemed to disappear when Jensen was around. Having dinner with Jensen. Going out with Jensen and his friends. Playing Playstation until he lost track of time completely.
"Dude, leave him alone," Faceman's voice pipes up in Jared's ear with a laugh. "He's probably busy being all gayed up with his new roomie."
Chad laughs and makes an obscene kissing noise over the microphone which makes the speakers of Jared's headset crackle in his ear, and before he knows it, a new wave of emotions slam into him again, rushing over him and making him angry--so angry that his vision blurs and Chad's gnome becomes a colorful dot of purple and green and black.
"Shut up!" Jared almost yells into the headset, and a chorus of "Ow!"s immediately follow, and--oh, clearly a lot of people are logged on right now--but Jared doesn't even stop to acknowledge them. "You know, if you want to talk to me so badly, why didn't you pick up a fucking phone, Chad? I don't have to fucking check in with you on a regular basis! I'm not obligated to give you fucking status updates on my life! I am allowed to have a life outside of you, and outside of this stupid fucking game! My life doesn't revolve around your existence, and it didn't fucking end after you just fucking ditched me to go frolicking in fucking California!"
Chad's microphone briefly crackles, but Jared pushes on. "I have my own shit to deal with, I have friends that aren't you, and sometimes I just don't want to play this fucking retarded game! I have a fucking real life, Chad!" he yells, for real this time, before falling silent.
The splash of colors stopped moving on Jared's screen, and once Jared's vision clears he can see that Chad's now standing completely still in front of him, his character staring directly at Jared's.
Voice chat is silent for a good, long while, before there's a ping! and Jared quickly tabs out in time to see the "Mayhem has gone offline" message.
When he tabs back into the game, Chad's gnome has logged off.
Sighing, Jared rubs a hand over his face, and he feels like crying again. Fucking fail. On so many levels.
Biting it back and swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he stares numbly at his character and runs in a circle.
"Well," Faceman's voice comes after a while. "Awkward."
Jared snorts once in disgust, then logs off. The game clearly won't provide him with the needed distraction right now, so he might as well pretend to study for his last final tomorrow.
Jared's last final passes by in a blur, and he has no clue how he did once everything is said and done. He doesn't have it in him to worry about it though; he just heads back home and packs for Christmas break. His parents have already arranged for him to fly down to Texas, and he tries desperately not to think too much as he packs his suitcase with robotic movements; goes through the house and makes sure all the lights are switched off and then locks up behind him.
He thought briefly about leaving a note on the fridge, just a "Merry Christmas" or something, because he doesn't know when Jensen is coming back and he might be back before Jared is due to return in early January--but in the end, he decides against it.
Instead, Jared drives the sixty-something miles down to Pittsburgh and puts his car in long-term parking, and it's not until he's safely onboard the plane, feeling gravity pull him back into his seat as the landscape gets smaller through the little window, that he feels like he can breathe again.
Texas is just the right temperature; certainly not cold, but it's definitely not the sweltering heat of summer, either. His parents meet him at the airport, and if Jared takes a few extra moments to just hug his mother tightly, and if they notice that his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, they don't comment on it. Instead his mother just kisses his cheek and his father claps him on the shoulder, and says, "Welcome home, son, Merry Christmas!"
His room hasn't changed at all--why should it have? He's only been gone for a few, short months. Yet with all that's happened since moving in with Jensen, Jared feels like it's been a lifetime. His mind flashes on Jensen's face in the dark, so close, and he has to close his eyes against the emotions that come with memory.
Jensen makes Jared feel good; he knows this. But he's not sure if it's because Jensen's been a good friend to him and break him out of his loneliness, or because there's something more there. Jared's almost scared to even think about it. As if somehow, by suggesting he have feelings for Jensen, Genevieve made him curious. Curious enough to...
Part shame, part excitement, and part confusion, all mingled together and swirling around in Jared's chest, pushing at him and making him feel vaguely like he's free falling with no net to catch him.
Still, standing in the middle of his room in his parents' house makes something in Jared relax. He's home, he's safe, he's surrounded by the people he loves the most in the world, and for the first time since Jensen walked out of his room in the house on 4th street, he allows himself to think about it, feeling some of the tension leave his body.
Christmas passes pleasantly, and with every day he spends in his family's company, Jared relaxes further until he almost feels lethargic about the whole thing. On Christmas morning he opens his presents with genuine happiness, but his thanks are quiet and polite rather than his traditional whoops of joy, and it's enough to almost worry his mother. Thankfully, when he tells her he's fine, she believes him, or at the very least decides pushing the matter wouldn't lead anywhere.
Megan makes a lame joke or other about Jared being too grown-up and boring to be any fun now that he's in college, and then Jeff helpfully points out that you're supposed to get drunk a lot and have casual sex in college, not get boring. After that, their mother has to send Megan out of the room while Jared's praying to every higher deity he knows that he's not actually blushing.
He spends the next couple of days thinking about Jensen. He thinks about casual sex, thinks about how Genevieve believes he likes Jensen, and then he thinks about the way Chris and Steve would look at him--how they'd carefully emphasize their words, and exchange glances with Jensen as if they knew something he didn't. By the third day after Christmas, Jared's still not sure if he's gay, but he's at the very least decided he likes Jensen more than he likes other people, so that's something--right? So maybe he likes it when Jensen's around, and maybe he likes it when Jensen laughs, and fine, he liked the kiss. And yeah, okay--he liked the blowjob, too.
That thought is scary enough to almost make Jared tense up again, but fortunately, that night they have his mother's pot roast for dinner, and that's a meal that's simply so awesome it shifts every potential panic-inducing thought out of Jared's mind.
Jeff invites Jared to a party on New Year's Eve. They're both on the receiving end of a rather weak attempt at a lecture about not drinking too much from their father. He tells both boys to be careful, because if Jared gets busted for underage drinking, so help him God--and then their mother gives an outraged shriek from the kitchen, and has to tell their father that the point wasn't for Jared not to get caught. But nobody says Jared can't go, so he figures he should keep socializing--keeping himself in practice, so to speak.
The party is hosted by a friend of Jeff's, and although Jared's definitely on the younger end of the scale, Jeff takes care to stay by his side, introducing him as "My little brother, JT," until he seems to decide that enough people have gotten the unspoken message, Don't mess with him. Jeff's really kind of awesome.
Eventually he decides that Jared will survive on his own for a while, and Jared's sitting on one arm of the couch, just people watching. He's nursing his second beer, not even feeling buzzed, when someone stumbles into him, jolting his arm and causing him to spill his beer down the front of his shirt.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," the person says, and Jared shakes off some excess liquid from his clothes, wondering how he's always the one who ends up looking stupid when other people keep knocking into him.
"It's fine, no big," he says, putting his half-empty glass on the table and surveying the damage. His shirt is wet, but he avoided the crotch, so at least he won't spend the rest of the evening looking like he wet himself. It could be worse.
The person who stumbled into him actually turns out to be a girl, about Jared's age, he guesses. She's got blonde hair and vague freckles spread across her nose, and when Jared smiles at her, she stomps her foot.
"It's these fucking heels," she explains with a sigh. "I'm not stumbling around drunk, I promise."
Jared glances at her feet, and her heels are indeed impressive--tall and spiked and he has no clue why anyone would even strap them onto their feet, much less attempt to walk in them. "Wow. Maybe a stupid question, but--why?"
"Oh, you know." She shrugs and shifts a little, tugging at her dress, very clearly uncomfortable. "New Year's Eve. You're supposed to get all dressed up."
Jared looks down at his own beer-wet t-shirt and light blue jeans, and immediately feels kind of sheepish.
"Not that there's anything wrong with what you're wearing!" the girl adds hurriedly, "Your wet clothes are awesome--I mean, your clothes are awesome, but they're wet." Then she turns bright red and literally slaps a palm across her face, muttering to herself. "Dear God. Stop talking. Stop talking."
Her fumbling is incredibly familiar to Jared, except unlike Jared she also seems to voice her obvious embarrassment out loud. It's oddly like watching a female version of his own personality, and Jared finds himself smiling, because really--it's not as bad as he'd feared.
"Let's try this again," he says. "Hi, I'm Jared, and I'm wearing a wet t-shirt because some random person bumped into me and made me spill my beer."
He takes care to keep his tone light and teasing, briefly remembering how Jensen would do the same for him in his more embarrassing moments, and it seems to work. The girl removes her hand from her face and visibly relaxes a little.
"I'm Sarah," she says, making an embarrassed gesture as she shakes his hand. "I'm wearing an uncomfortable dress and heels I can't walk on to try to impress a guy."
Jared laughs at that, and she gestures again, past Jared's shoulder this time.
"Do you need me to get you another drink?"
Jared's a little confused for a moment, but then he remembers setting aside his beer, and quickly glances at the table. "Oh, no, I'm good, there's still some left. Anyway, I think my brother Jeff might kill me if I drink too much."
Sarah's eyes go wide, and her face turns almost purple, she's blushing so hard. "Oh my God," she gasps, "Jeff? Jeff Padalecki?"
Jared nods. "Yeah. You know Jeff?"
"Yeah, I--from med school," she stammers--which, oh, puts her closer to Jeff's age than Jared's--and Jared frowns. Why is this girl getting so flustered just because he's Jeff's little brother?
It takes about another half a nanosecond for Jared to piece together what's going on, but when he does, he tries not to gape--he really does--but this is just too good, and his jaw drops a little. This girl is here in a skin-tight little strapless dress and wobbly heels to impress his brother. His brother Jeff, who Jared knows would rather date a girl in jeans and a football jersey than a girl in six-inch heels and a strapless dress.
"No way!" he says, and Sarah starts stuttering again, giggling nervously.
"Fuck my life," she complains, more to herself than to Jared, "I spilled beer over Jeff's little brother, this evening can't get any more awesome. I'm stuck in horrible heels, and I spilled beer all over Jeff's little brother."
It's adorable to watch, and now that Jared realizes this girl is actually into his brother, he doesn't even feel bad thinking that.
"You totally have a thing for my brother," he says, because he can't help himself. He thinks it's hilarious, and at the same time he can't help but think they'd be really good together, too! She's cute and funny, intentionally or unintentionally, and the more he wraps his head around it the more he thinks Jeff might really be into her too, if he'd just realize it. Jared doesn't know how well she knows Jeff already--maybe not too well, since she doesn't realize that the dolled-up style has never been Jeff's thing--but he's certain that even if he knows her, he just needs to see her in the right light.
Sarah shoots him a death-glare, but there's no real anger behind it, and even if there was, odds are it would be lost in her incredible blush.
"Shut up," she mutters, and Jared laughs, louder than he'd meant to.
"I can't even tell you it's none of your business, 'cause he's your fucking brother." she whines.
Jared's laugh dies fast at that, and realization washes over him. Isn't this sort of what Genevieve was doing to him?
He's gone for most of the evening without thinking about Jensen besides the odd, little fleeting thought, but now it all rushes back to him in a hurry. Feeling oddly guilty that he's been joking with Sarah's crush on Jeff, when Genevieve was so calm and sweet when she confronted Jared with the possibility of his crush on Jensen--and Jared still hasn't reached a final verdict on that, by the way--Jared clears his throat, and glances at Sarah.
She definitely noticed that he stopped laughing. Now she's looking worried on top of her embarrassment, and Jared's guilt turns it up a notch in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I shouldn't make fun."
She bites on a nail and smiles a little. "It's no big."
"Still. I shouldn't make fun. I don't know how well you know my brother, but if you want, I could put in a good word for you?"
Her blush, which had started to fade, comes back a little, and she looks awkward. "That's sweet of you, but you don't have to do that, Jared. I don't really know him anyway, and I don't even think he's noticed me tonight. Despite this ridiculous outfit."
"Well, then," says Jared with determination in his voice, "we should try to change that."
They find Jeff outside in the back yard. Jared half-drags Sarah over, and immediately pinches his brother's arm to get his attention, and oh, what a coincidence, don't you know Sarah from med school? After that, Jared quickly realizes that maybe the dolled-up style might be Jeff's thing after all, at least if the way he stares is any indication.
After that the conversation rapidly turns awkward for Jared, because he's trying to not intrude on Jeff's obvious pickup lines and Sarah's mad embarrassment and stuttering, and he leaves them alone soon enough, walking away with a smirk as Jeff's buddies chuckle among themselves. When the countdown gets going, everyone is gathered outside, and even across the cheers and hoots of the crowd, Jared can hear Sarah's squeak as Jeff ducks his head down to kiss her.
Jared looks at them, looks at the people around him embracing and hugging and kissing. Jeff's buddies are slapping him on the back and wishing him a happy new year, and he gives out smiles and nods in return, and just breathes deeply. He thinks about his brother and Sarah and then thinks about Jensen's lips--gently pressing against his own. In his head, he can hear Jensen's easy laugh, and something warm settles in the pit of his stomach.
It's outside of Jeff's friend's house, surrounded by people he doesn't know, with the echo of Jensen's warm laugh ringing in his head, that the knot in Jared's chest fades--just melts away into nothing.
I'm gay, Jared thinks, and it's almost completely out of the blue. He stares at nothing, thinks of kissing Jensen again, and tests the sentence out in his head once more. I'm gay.
Jared doesn't kiss anyone at all at midnight, but feels happy nonetheless.
There's a thick layer of snow on the ground when Jared walks out of the airport in Pittsburgh, and the cold slams into his face, making his skin sting. Jared has to spend a good 20 minutes scraping the ice off his windshield, but when he finally gets in his car, which thankfully starts despite the freezing weather, he still feels warm. Jittery and nervous, but warm.
The drive back takes entirely too long, and the prospect of possibly seeing Jensen again makes Jared's stomach twist in a way that he can't quite decide if he likes or not. In his head, he can already hear Jensen's laugh, his voice--see that easygoing smile that makes his mouth lopsided.
He hasn't heard from Jensen all break, and he wasn't expecting to. He wanted to call after New Year's Eve, but didn't have the courage to. He toyed briefly with the idea of sending a text, but decided against it, because what would it even say? Happy New Year and by the way, I'm gay? Hell, he doesn't even know if Jensen's back from break yet--after all, it's still a full week until classes start again--but Jensen lives only a few hours away, so Jared hopes.
When he pulls up in front of number 57 on 4th, Jensen's truck is in the driveway, and Jared's heart starts beating overtime in his chest. The lights are all off though, the house dark and silent, and when Jared walks in the door and is greeted by nothing but silence, it's apparent that nobody's home.
He busies himself with unpacking his bag and checking his e-mail--he's got one from Chad that simply says, "Call me, you ass." He doesn't reply, and instead mindlessly surfs the internet. He goes on YouTube and tries to find every appearance of the masturbating bear ever. He reads about the latest patch in World of Warcraft, but he can't bring himself to log into the game. He hasn't been online since he blew up at Chad, and he's not ready for that yet. He reads all about the latest Halloween remake on Wikipedia, and tries his very best to avoid staring at the clock-- pretends he's not actually just waiting for Jensen to come home.
It's nearly eleven before Jared hears footsteps on the front porch, and already he's out of his room and halfway down the stairs, heart pounding in his chest, before he realizes that Jensen's not alone out there. He can hear two voices, muted through the door. He hasn't turned on any lights, so Jared creeps to the living room window and peeks out.
Jensen's standing outside with a guy Jared's never seen before. They're both bundled up in heavy winter coats, and Jensen's got a bright red scarf wrapped at least four times around his neck, covering the lower half of his face. The other guy's tall, as tall as Jensen, and he's got his back halfway turned to the window Jared's looking out of, but Jared can still see dark brown hair peek out under a beanie hat. The soft glow from the street light is just bright enough for Jared to see how the corner of Jensen's eyes crinkle as he smiles, and something heavy settles on Jared's chest--something not unlike jealousy.
"...fuckin' awesome," Jensen says, words muffled beneath his scarf.
"I had a good time, Jen," the guy says, and Jared bristles at the use of Jensen's nickname. "I'd like to see you again."
If Jared had any hopes he might just be paranoid, they're squashed. Jensen's on a date.
Jensen doesn't directly answer the guy, just chuckles a little.
"I had a good time too," Jensen says, and Jared can't tell if he's lying or not.
It's as if time slows down, and the guy reaches up in slow motion to pull on Jensen's scarf, exposing the lower half of his face and giving him access to Jensen's lips. He's leaning in, blocking Jensen's face from view but clearly kissing him nonetheless, and Jared's breath hitches in his throat.
He feels vaguely cheated again. All his worrying and stressing over Jensen, over kissing Jensen, over the blowjob--his nerves over seeing Jensen again, for nothing? And he realizes with a start that just because he muddled through his own mind, just because he realized that he is gay and that he really likes Jensen, just because Genevieve was right, it doesn't mean that Jensen likes him back.
Jeff's remark about casual sex rings in Jared's head, and his eyes start stinging--except just as he's about to step away from the window and go back upstairs, pretend he never saw anything at all, Jensen moves. Pulls his head to the side and away from the other man's with feigned casualness, and pulls the scarf back up over the lower half of his face.
"Jesus, it's cold," he says with a chuckle, and this time Jared can tell he's acting--playing off the kiss as if it didn't happen.
The guy doesn't move for a few seconds, and Jensen just looks at him, eyes twinkling. Eventually, Jensen clears his throat and wraps his arms around himself.
"Well. It's freezing. I'm gonna get inside."
That's a clear dismissal if Jared ever heard one.
The guy nods a little and Jared can't see his face, but Jensen's still smiling, so it looks like he's at least pretending to handle the rejection smoothly. "I'll see you around, Jen."
"See you around, Henry," Jensen says, and then watches as the guy--Henry--walks down the steps of the front porch and down the street, before turning to the door, fumbling in his pocket for his keys.
It just then occurs to Jared that Jensen's about to walk inside, and he's standing by the window, in the dark, like some kind of stalker.
He almost trips over himself to get out of the living room, but he manages to get into the kitchen and flip the light switch before the door opens and Jensen walks in, stomping snow all over the hallway, and by the time Jensen's putting away his coat and toeing off his boots, Jared's walking out of the kitchen with what he hopes is a casual look on his face.
"Hey," he says, and Jensen looks up with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Jared," Jensen says, voice even.
Jared's not sure what to say. The jealousy he's feeling is still simmering under the surface, but at the same time witnessing Jensen on a date--knowing that Jensen accepted a date, even if he ended up rejecting the guy--makes him acutely aware that there's a very real possibility that Jensen's just not into him that way. That Jensen was just trying to help Jared sort out his sexual identity crisis, in his own drunken way, or worse--that he was just after casual sex, and never wanted anything more.
There are a lot of things Jared wants to say. He wants to ask Jensen about his date. He wants to tell him he sorted out his thoughts regarding his own sexuality. He wants to ask Jensen where they stand.
Instead, what comes out of his mouth is, "Did you have a good Christmas?"
A smile spreads on Jensen's face then, that same lopsided one Jared's been thinking of, and Jared relaxes a bit. They're clearly not talking about the blowjob, as if it never happened at all, and if it's not exactly the outcome Jared wants, well, he'll just have to deal. Jensen seems perfectly happy with it, anyway.
"Yeah, I had a good Christmas," he says. "How about you?"
Jared thinks about his family and wants to say, I'm gay, but instead settles on, "It was great."
Jensen's smile grows wider. "I'm glad. Welcome back, Jay."
They stare at each other for another few seconds, and for a moment Jared thinks Jensen's going to say something else--for a moment, Jared thinks he's going to say something else--but then Jensen clears his throat and the spell is broken. Jared rubs his neck a little bit in the silence, and then starts heading up the stairs.
"Well, uh--I'm gonna--I'm gonna head to bed," he says awkwardly, and then resolutely doesn't look back at Jensen.
"Kay," Jensen says from behind him. "Oh, and Jay?"
Jared can't help it; he pauses on the top step and turns. Jensen's smirking up at him, hands in his pockets.
"What?"
"Quit pervin' on my dates, peeping Tom."
Jared can only be grateful that the kitchen light is the only one on, because that way Jensen can't see the fierce blush that spreads across his cheeks and down his throat.
Over the next couple of days, Jensen and Jared do their best to make everything appear normal. If Jared isn't quite as outgoing as he was before Christmas, Jensen doesn't say anything, and if Jensen doesn't hang around the house as much as he used to, opting instead for going over to Tom's or going out with Mike, Jared doesn't mention that either. Instead they pass the time with careful conversations and endless Tekken matches.
Jared doesn't go back to the game. He gets another text from Chad the day after he comes home, but he ignores it. He knows he was a complete asshole, but he's just not ready to focus on an apology--partially because he's still a little bit mad at Chad, even if it is completely unjustified, and partially because right now, all he wants is to focus on getting his friendship with Jensen back to normal.
Jensen doesn't go on any more dates, and he doesn't mention Henry again--but he doesn't do anything to make Jared believe he wants to kiss him or hand out more free blowjobs, either. Jared wants to tell Jensen he's gay--really he does, but there just never seems to be a good time to bring it up. When he tries, his throat tightens and something forces all the air out of his lungs--and between the Tekken and the banter about the new semester, the tales of their respective Christmases, nothing much really gets said at all. Jared is baffled at how many words they can use to say so little.
On the Friday before spring semester starts, Jared wakes up to the sound of Jensen's truck pulling out of the driveway.
When he walks downstairs, there's a note on the fridge.
Went to a show with Chris and Steve - be back Sunday.
It's not signed, and there's no quote or silly word definition, and Jared thinks it's the ultimate metaphor for how things are between them at the moment; some semblance of normal, but still--something's missing.
He spends the day surfing Fark, and it's not until early evening that's he's pulled out of his little self-pity party by a knock on the door. He's not sure whether he wants company or not, but Jared still goes downstairs to open it, fully expecting it to be Tom or Mike, or maybe Genevieve, since they're the most frequent visitors to the house. That's why he's completely unprepared for the sight of Chad standing on his front porch, shivering in the cold.
"Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking cold," Chad bitches, and Jared blinks.
"Chad?" he says dumbly, because part of him is convinced he's dreaming. Chad standing on his doorstep in Bumfuck, Nowheresville is too surreal for his brain to process properly.
"Let me in, motherfucker," Chad says in response.
"Chad?" Jared asks again, his brain seemingly having shut down.
"Oh for fuck's sake." Chad elbows his way past Jared then reaches past him to close the door, shivering and groaning. "I fucking hate this stupid state."
He starts stomping the snow off his sneakers, and Jared finally gathers his wits about himself enough to process that he's not, in fact, dreaming, and Chad really just walked into the house.
"What--the hell?" he stutters. "What are you doing--why are you--how?"
"Nice," Chad snorts, dropping a small duffel bag at Jared's feet and shrugging out of his jacket, which--yeah, definitely not a winter coat. No wonder he's so cold.
"One of us had to salvage this sorry excuse for a friendship," Chad announces, picking up the bag again. "And since you clearly aren't pulling your head out of your ass anytime soon, I decided I had to. You're up top, right?"
Jared blinks. "What?"
"Your room," Chad clarifies, with a Duh look on his face, "Upstairs?"
"Yeah," Jared confirms meekly. "Upstairs."
Chad nods, seemingly more to himself than Jared, and immediately heads up the stairs. Still fighting the feeling of surrealism, Jared follows him and watches as Chad pokes his head in every door until he finds Jared's room, and then walks inside and plops down on the bed, immediately making himself at home.
"How did you even know where I live?"
"Got your address from your mom." Chad shrugs. "You don't call, you don't write... A guy can develop a complex, you know."
Jared finally starts to get with the program, and a slight pang of guilt blossoms in his chest--but there's also the residual annoyance and anger.
"I wasn't the only one who stopped calling," he says, the accusation clear from his tone. "I've had a lot of shit on my mind, Chad."
Chad looks serious, more serious than Jared can ever remember him being.
Also, very tan.
"I figured," Chad says with a shrug. "It was been brought to my attention I may have been a less than stellar best friend lately, so--you got me until Sunday. The shrink is in, dude."
"What?"
Chad makes a vague gesture. "The shrink is in. Spill the beans. Whatever you got going on, tell me about it. I don't promise I'll understand, but I promise I'll make an honest effort to." Then he pauses and frowns a little. "Unless it's about furry sex. That shit's fucking batshit."
The bad joke helps break the tension a little bit, and Jared sits down on his desk chair, chuckling a little as he feels the lingering traces of anger fade. "It's not about furry sex," he says.
He watches as Chad stretches out on his bed, and thinks about all the years they've known each other. He remembers Chad. Friendly, outgoing Chad. In some ways, a more crude, but no less caring version of Jensen. Chad's his best friend, and Jared takes a deep breath; figures it's time to stop being an asshole. Figures if there's only one person in the world he should trust, it's Chad.
"I'm gay, Chad."
Jared takes extra care not to look away--looks Chad directly in the eyes, and waits for a reaction.
It never comes.
"And...?" Chad prompts.
Jared has a distinct anticlimactic feeling in his chest.
"And?" he says, incredulously. "And? Chad, I just told you I'm gay."
"Yeah, I heard you," Chad confirms with a nod, wrapping himself up in Jared's covers. "Man, I'm so fucking frozen. I don't know how you can stand this weather."
"Chad!" Jared nearly explodes, gesturing wildly. "Don't you have anything to say about that? It's kind of a big deal to me!"
Chad pauses in arranging the covers into a cocoon and smiles at Jared. "Dude, how long have we known each other? I get that it's a big deal, and I really appreciate you telling me--but come on, did you really think that would matter to me?"
Jared looks down then, ashamed and not at all certain of what he was nervous about just a moment ago.
"No," he mutters, and it sounds sullen even to his own ears.
There's a guffaw from Chad's general direction. "How did you think I'd react? Did you think I'd think you'd somehow gotten the gay from your big gay roommate? Did you think I'd like, shun you? You know me better than that, dude."
Shame burns hot in Jared's throat, and his cheeks are red, because he does know Chad better than that. When he lifts his head again, he meets Chad's eyes, and tries to convey everything he feels, everything he's been struggling with--everything he's been wrong about, for the last few months.
"Sorry," he says, the apology he's been sitting on finally making its way up his throat.
Fortunately, Chad's not a very complicated guy--at least not where Jared's concerned--so he doesn't need anything else than that single word. "Apology accepted." he says easily. "So how did this whole sexuality revelation come about? Anything else on your mind?"
Jared's mind flashes on Jensen, and instead of his warm laugh all he hears is the sound of his truck pulling out of the driveway. When he briefly closes his eyes, all he can see is the guy, Henry or whatever, pulling down Jensen's scarf and leaning in for a kiss.
Before he can really control it, Jared starts talking. He tells Chad about how he almost became a hermit after Chad left, though he takes extra care not to make it sound condescending or like he's blaming Chad--Jared knows the lack of effort was all his own fault. He tells Chad about Jensen, about how he'd just accepted Jared into his circle of friends, and how he's found himself getting used to having a functional social life again. Then he talks about Genevieve; how she's become one of his best friends around here, and how he hasn't spoken to her since the night she unknowingly triggered his sexual identity crisis.
Finally, he talks about Jensen, about the kiss at the party--though he leaves the blowjob out--and his excitement over seeing Jensen again after the break. He tells Chad about Jensen's botched date, and how Jared's not even sure where they stand anymore. By the time he stops talking, Chad's successfully wrapped himself in every single one of Jared's covers and blankets, and only a small portion of his face is visible. His eyes squint at Jared through an opening in the covers, and Jared can't really make out his expression anymore. The whole thing looks ridiculous, but it still somehow makes Jared happy. Getting everything off his chest feels good, and even though it's still completely surreal, the fact that his best friend is actually here--in Pennsylvania--freezing his ass off to just be there for Jared, making the long trip for just two days, makes him so happy he's practically giddy with it.
"Jared," Chad says, lips barely visible between the covers, "I'm gonna give you some advice, okay?"
Jared nods.
"You think too fucking much."
Jared's not quite sure how to react to that, so he doesn't react at all--just sits stiffly and waits for Chad to continue.
"You think too fucking much, and you definitely worry too fucking much. You were so fucking worried about whether or not you were gay, it sounds like it didn't even fucking occur to you to just fucking come talk to me, dude. I would have been there for you. I'm not actually a shrink, you know, but maybe you wouldn't have had to fucking bottle everything up by yourself."
"Well, Jensen--," Jared begins, but Chad cuts him off.
"Jensen nothing. You're so fucking worried about how Jensen feels about you, but did you ever actually dig your balls out of the massive fucking vagina you grew, and ask him? Did you talk to him about anything at all?"
"I told him about my Christmas," Jared mumbles lamely. God, he really is a loser, isn't he?
"Hell," Chad continues as if Jared had never spoken, "you even worry about what he'll think about you playing fucking computer games, dude. Yet weren't you just telling me how you two beat the shit out of each other in Tekken a bunch? For Christ's sake, man, just man the fuck up and talk to the man! You like him, don't you?"
"I don't know," Jared mumbles.
"You don't know?" Chad sounds annoyed now.
"I don't know," Jared repeats, then immediately wants to bang his head on the wall in frustration with the whole situation. "I mean, I think I do. I'm pretty sure I do."
"Well, figure it the fuck out then talk to him," Chad says. "Really, what's the worst that could happen?"
Jared stares.
"He could reject me. He could think I'm a lame computer nerd. I could ruin our friendship. I'd have to move again. It would suck."
For the most part, they're horrible arguments, and even Chad knows it. He scoffs from his cocoon on the bed.
"Jaybird, you're my best friend in the whole universe, and I love you, but you gotta learn that nothing is the end of the fucking world, man! From what you've told me, Jensen doesn't seem like the type to chuck you out just because your lame gay crush on him is unrequited. Sure, some people are gonna be dicks about you being gay, and sure, sometimes shit in general just sucks beyond imagining, but it'll always blow over, dude. Stop worrying about the fucking what ifs, stop worrying about what other people think--even if that other person is Jensen--and take a fucking chance for yourself, you fucking pussy."
His voice has gradually risen in volume, and the final word almost echoes off the walls of Jared's room.
Jared remains silent for a long while, letting Chad's little rant sink in. He tries hard to get past the block in his head that insists that Jensen went on a date so he's probably not interested in Jared anyway, and instead he tries to focus on just--Jensen. Playing Playstation with him. Telling him about his family and how he spent most of Christmas break sneezing his way through every minute spent in his brother's company since his brother apparently had developed a habit of practically drowning himself in aftershave. Showing Jared his favorite places to eat around town, and auditioning for a musical with Jared's encouragement.
It's enough to put a smile on his face, and the cocoon moves with Chad's satisfied nod when he notices.
"Dude," Jared says. "I can't believe you fucking flew to Pennsylvania just for a weekend."
The rest of Chad's stay passes by uneventfully. They spend most of their time playing on Jensen's Playstation or just bullshitting around. Chad tells Jared about Sophia, who he's apparently been seeing more and more of, although he insists nothing's going on--yet. Jared takes Chad to the Mexican place Jensen showed him, and Chad eats almost as much as Jared, which is pretty impressive.
By the time Chad leaves Sunday afternoon, Jensen still isn't home, and Jared says goodbye with a promise to stay in touch more often and a lump in his throat.
"It sucks you didn't get to meet him," Jared says in the doorway as Chad is tucking his coat around himself. "Worst timing ever, dude."
"Yeah, yeah," Chad grumbles, already annoyed with the cold. "See if I bother coming to visit again. Bitch, bitch, bitch."
Jared just smiles then pulls Chad into a hug that's probably a little more emotional than Chad's manly ego would otherwise have allowed. Just this once though, Chad seems to allow it--possibly in an attempt to soak up some body heat before braving the few, cold steps to his waiting taxi--and when they pull apart, he gives Jared a cheeky grin and an honest to God thumbs up.
"Good luck with everything. And stay in touch, Jay-pad. I mean it!"
"Right back atcha," Jared shoots back, and then watches until Chad's safely inside his cab, disappearing around the corner two blocks down.
Now, the only thing Jared can do is wait for Jensen to come home.
By the time Jared hears Jensen's truck in the driveway, he's had plenty of time to work himself into a near panic, nerves high strung and heartbeat so strong his chest is hurting. For a brief moment, he considers just forgetting about the whole thing and just hiding away in his room forever, but then he hears Chad's voice in his head, telling him to just take a fucking chance for himself, and hell--if Chad could fly across the country for a weekend, just to give Jared that piece of advice, the least Jared can do is follow it.
With blood rushing in his ears, Jared runs down the stairs, tunnel visioning in on the door handle turning. He lands on the bottom of the stairs, narrowly avoiding getting a face full of door again as it swings open, and Jensen appears in the doorway.
"I'm gay and I'm a geek who plays World of Warcraft and I think I like you," Jared rushes out, all in one breath.
Jensen immediately freezes in place. His scarf is covering his mouth again, but Jared's pretty sure he's gaping behind it. His eyes are wide open, green contrasting with the red of his scarf, and he doesn't move a muscle, his face a ridiculous mix of shock and amusement. That's about when Jared realizes they're not alone.
Behind him, Chris and Steve both stare at them with eyes as wide as Jensen's.
"Well," Chris says, and there's not a thing in the world that can stop Jared's face from turning an impressive shade of red. "We'll just be going, then."
Steve bumps Jensen's shoulder, bringing him out of his shock. "We'll just catch ya later, Jen. Seems you got some business to take care of here."
"Hold up a sec," Jensen says to Steve, and Jared's heart sinks in his chest. "Give me a minute, guys? I'll be right out."
Chris and Steve exchange a look, and then they both glance at Jared. "Okay, man, but if you're not out in five, we're taking your truck and leaving without you."
Jensen clears his throat and closes the door behind him, and then he's alone with Jared.
"Come on," he says, pulling his scarf down and walking back towards his room, motioning for Jared to follow. "Steve's van broke down outside of Harrisburg, so I'm helping them get their amps and shit back to his place--I just had to stop by for some clothes, because I got caught in the crossfire of their little prank war."
Jensen doesn't elaborate on what getting caught in the crossfire entails, or why he'd need a change of clothes because of it, so Jared figures it's best not to ask. Instead he mutely follows Jensen back to his room, then hovers nervously just outside the door as Jensen walks inside to change.
"So," Jensen's voice drifts to him, "World of Warcraft?"
Jared's not sure whether to be scared or relieved that that's the piece of information Jensen zeroes in on. He's not sure about this whole situation in fact, but he opts to let Jensen do the talking for now. In fact, he thinks maybe after having made a complete idiot of himself--and outed himself--in front of Chris and Steve, he should just be completely quiet for a while, but unfortunately Jensen seems to expect an answer.
"Uh, yeah," he gets out. "I guess."
There's silence from Jensen's room for a few moments, save from the faint rustling of clothes, and then Jensen appears in the doorway, dressed in a gray Stones t-shirt and dry jeans. He's carrying his coat and scarf in one hand, and he leans against the doorframe, so close that it's making Jared nervous. He fights the urge to take a step back.
"Good for you," Jensen says. "Why's it matter?"
Jared opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, trying to come up with an answer.
"It's geeky," he eventually gets out, feeling every bit as lame as he sounds.
"Dude," Jensen says, laughing now--that kind laugh of his that immediately touches Jared's chest and warms him from the inside. "I don't care. How is that any different from when we kick back with some Playstation, Jay?"
"I dunno," Jared mumbles. "I'm weird."
Jensen looks at Jared for a while, waits until Jared's eyes meet his again. "Jared," he says carefully, "I'm majoring in learning how to be someone else. I want to perform for people for a living, but would rather lose the chance of a great part than open my mouth and sing a single note in public. I sleep until three in the afternoon. If it wasn't for coffee I'd probably never get up until sunset at the very earliest. And on top of that, I keep trying to kill you with our door. Do you really think you're the weirdest tenant in this house?"
"No, I think Chris is," Jared says without thinking, then immediately feels awkward and lame again.
Jensen just laughs again, stepping back into his boots and doesn't bother lacing them up. It's enough to make Jared relax a little, and it hits him then, what Jensen said. He doesn't think Jared's weird or lame for being a computer geek. Of course, when he lets his guard down a little and offers Jensen a tentative smile in return, that's when Jensen strikes.
"So you're gay and you like me?" Jensen says nonchalantly.
The sudden subject change is fast enough to almost make Jared's head spin, and his mind just shuts down. He frantically tries to come up with something to say, but comes up blank. He should be asking if Jensen likes him. He should be asking if the kiss before Christmas meant anything--if the blowjob was more than just casual sex, but suddenly he can't make a sound.
"I--," he eventually croaks out, but that's all.
Jensen's still smiling, but he's clearly waiting for something more than seemingly random vowel sounds, and Jared has never wanted to sink into a hole in the ground this badly before.
"Jared," Jensen says, putting his coat on, "Jay. I know you have this thing where your brain and mouth sometimes don't work so well together, and for the most part--God help me, I think it's cute. But it's kinda hard for me to figure out where to go from here, unless you can give me a straight answer." He pauses and grimaces a little, clearly amused with his own pun. "So to speak, anyway. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna give you some extra time to get your ducks in a row while I go help Chris and Steve, and when I come back tonight, you can tell me what's up, okay?"
Jensen sounds so calm and rational about the whole thing, Jared's mind is working overtime trying to catch up. He doesn't need extra time to get his ducks in a row; he knows how he feels, he just needs to get his brain working again and find the courage to say it!
Wrapping the scarf around his neck again, Jensen zips up his coat, and his eyes twinkle at Jared over the edge of the fabric. There's a strange sort of edge to his gaze though, and Jared realizes with a start that Jensen looks--nervous. Smiling still, sure, and definitely trying to play it as cool and casually laidback as he seems to be about everything, but there's a slight strain to his smile, and a barely-there tremble of his voice that Jared's certain he's not imagining, and--Jensen's nervous!
"If it helps any, though," Jensen says, pushing off the doorframe, "I won't think any less of you no matter what happens from here, okay? If you decide you're just confused then chalk it up to college experimentation. Good for you, I won't mind."
Jared's not convinced, and the more he studies Jensen, the slight tremor in his voice, the twitch his hand makes as he shoves it into his pocket, the more clear it becomes what Jensen's doing here. He's giving Jared an out. A final chance to back down and forget anything ever happened between them.
Resolve settles in his chest then, and his brow furrows almost involuntarily.
Fuck that!
"Don't go," Jared says, and he's surprised at the strength of his own voice. Not a stammer, not a stutter, because for the first time since he moved in with Jensen--maybe for the first time since before that--he can see everything perfectly clearly, he knows exactly what he wants, and Jensen's it.
"I'm not confused," he tells Jensen, whose eyes widen. "I'm not confused, and I'm not experimenting. I am definitely gay, and I definitely like you."
Jensen's eyes are wide over his scarf, wider than Jared's ever seen them. They stand there for what seems like forever, yet with every passing second, Jared's nerves settle down a little bit more, because he's so certain now--of everything.
"Oh," Jensen finally says. Then he grins wide under the scarf, smiling with both corners of his mouth, and it's so good to see, Jared can't help but grin back and laugh--he's so happy, he feels giddy with it.
"Oh," Jensen says again. "Good for me, then."
Jared laughs again, and Jensen sways a little closer.
"In case you didn't realize it," he whispers to Jared, "I'm pretty gone on you."
"I caught on eventually," Jared responds.
When he tugs down Jensen's scarf and leans in to kiss him, Jensen doesn't twist his head away at all--he just meets Jared's lips with his own, mouth warm and hands coming up to clutch at Jared's shirt. Jared just sort of melts against Jensen, body pressing against his, and he smiles into the kiss, smiles and breathes deep through his nose, and just lets himself feel.
They don't even break apart when Chris honks the horn of Jensen's truck then drives off down the street.
It's the fourth weekend after the spring semester starts, and it's a good weekend. There's Led Zeppelin on the stereo, Jensen is in the upstairs shower, and Jared and Chad are in a pretty epic battle with a Gnoll named Hogger. All in all, Jared can't ever recall being this happy.
Chad's making snorting noises as his alternate character--a stubby dwarf--runs in circles on Jared's screen. "Dude," he says, voice crackling over voice chat, "I think we're too low level for this!"
"Nonsense," Jared says with gusto, "Kill it! Kill it with fire!"
Chad responds something about not having any fire spells, but Jared loses focus when there's a pounding on the door.
He briefly considers not answering, but then he remembers that Genevieve was supposed to come over to borrow one of Jensen's books for a class she's taking that he took last semester. Jared figures it's better that he lets her in and get the book to her than make her have to come back later--or worse, disturb his boyfriend in the shower. Then he has to take a moment to do a little victory dance in his head, because he has a boyfriend now! It's already been a few weeks, but Jared still feels like jumping up and clicking his heels together over it.
For right now though, he resigns himself to the fact that he'll most definitely have to start his epic battle over again, and stabs a finger at the talk button.
"The door," he says, "I gotta get this."
"Motherfucker," Chad yells, his voice fading to a murmur as Jared puts down his headset. "Fuck this. I'm going back to my warlock."
Jared chuckles to himself then heads downstairs.
"Hey, handsome," Genevieve says with a wink as he lets her in. "Jensen was supposed to loan me a book?"
"I think it's in his room," Jared says, leading her down the hallway and pushing open the door.
The book's sitting on Jensen's bed, and Genevieve picks it up with a wide grin. "Awesome, thanks a ton. Saves me having to buy it. Where is Jensen, anyway?"
Genevieve's known about him and Jensen since day one--everyone did--already duly informed so by Chris and Steve. Hell, the two little shits probably called everybody they knew as soon as they left the driveway. Still Jared can't help it; he blushes. "He's in the shower," he admits.
Genevieve gives him an incredibly dirty grin, which only makes him blush harder.
"I'm happy for you," she says, and her voice is warm. It's a hilarious contrast to the still-dirty grin on her face, and Jared clears his throat.
"Shut up," he mumbles, but he's still smiling, so she laughs. Then her grin turns into a soft smile, and she reaches out a hand to touch Jared's arm gently.
"Seriously, Jared. I really am very happy for you--for both of you. You know he had this little crush on you from the moment he met you, right?"
Jared blinks a little. "He did?"
"Yeah," Genevieve laughs, "swear to God. Chris told me he described you as 'serious fucking eye candy' before you'd even moved in. And then after you moved in and he got to know you, you were pretty much all he could talk about." She chuckles a little. "It actually got kind of annoying sometimes."
Suddenly, Jared understands all the looks and the stares and the silent conversations between Jensen and his friends. Jensen said he was totally gone on Jared--Jared's pretty sure he would remember that moment for the rest of his life, the moment when he knew everything was going to work out--but he had no idea the attraction went that far back. And then he thinks about how Jensen's mere presence, his attitude and posture, had seemed to relax Jared from the very first moment they met. He remembers hearing Jensen's laugh and feeling warm inside, and he thinks he's really glad Jensen accidentally tried to kill him with the library doors that day.
Genevieve kisses his cheek when she leaves, and Jared closes the door behind her with a happy lump in his throat and a warm feeling in his stomach.
When he goes upstairs, he realizes the shower is no longer running and he has every intention of teasing Jensen about the eye candy comment, but the taunt dies on his lips when he enters his room.
Jensen turns on Jared's chair and looks a little sheepish. "Sorry," he says, pulling a little bit on the towel around his hips. "I got curious."
Jared frowns a little and peeks over Jensen's shoulder. On his screen, his character is alive. Barely, clinging to life with a mere five health points left--but alive. At his pixelated feet lies Hogger, dead, with the bag signalizing he's got loot over his head.
Jared's duly impressed, not only by the fact that Jensen seemingly managed to figure out the basic controls for the game, but also kill the monster Jared needed to kill--and without Chad around to help, since Chad apparently did indeed go back to his main character.
Jensen grins awkwardly and laughs. "You always look like you have fun," he explains. "I wanted to see what the fuss was about."
Jared's not even sure how to respond. "Well, what's the verdict?" he asks.
"It's pretty okay," Jensen says, in that tone that tells Jared he really likes something, but is downplaying exactly how much he likes it.
A wide grin spreads on Jared's face then, and he wants to say something more, but then Jensen stands up, and Jared gets a little distracted, because--he's got Jensen, he's got his boyfriend, standing in the middle of his room, fresh out of the shower and clad only in a towel. All that damp, smooth skin, and--really, Jared's 19. Who can blame him if he forgets all about his game for a while?
Still, he knows exactly what to get Jensen for his birthday in a month and a half.
Jared's best friend is a Gnome Warlock, and his boyfriend is a Night Elf Hunter.
College is pretty much awesome.
End.
Master Post