Self-esteem's a bitch...
And a really big one at that. This is a post where i'm whining/venting... so deal with it or don't read it.
Its amusing that I spent today in 5 classrooms talking to 2nd graders about issues- one of them being self-image....
And then tonight I go shopping for one particular item (a strapless bra, because I'm going out dancing/to the bars with the roommates/friends this weekend as it is the last roommate's 21st- I haven't gone out all year and the straps on my top are super skinny) and can't find my size anywhere- found what I would normally wear... but it didn't work for strapless- and they don't make larger strapless sizes (unless you specially order them).... and i'm with my stupid skinny roommates (who i love dearly- I'm just venting) and it just doesn't help- I can't go shopping with them or show them what I try on because it just makes me feel bad about myself...
And this weekend when I was home, the scale read the highest weight I've ever been... I try different things, but can't find anything that works for me... and its frustrating...and when i get this frustrated, my first thought is to just stop eating entirely for a few weeks or something- irrational thought i know- its just the immediate thought... and then i feel stupid/guilty about it after... I eat well for the most part... I try to get a couple work outs of some form in each week... I guess I just have to get more motivated- maybe being away from the family and their bad habits and the roomies where i'll sit and munch for awhile while talking in the kitchen to them will help or something... I don't know... Its just frustrating... and I've spent so long learning to "like myself" and when I hit low slumps like this and just feel and look fat, its all the more frustrating... and makes me sound absolutely ridiculous...
I think more than anything, its bumming me out because it affects my entire mood about going out for my roomie's bday- I haven't been out with them to the club all year... at all... and they're really looking forward to me coming out... but when i feel so uncomfortable in my skin, I don't just let loose and have fun and I really don't want to go... but i also dont' want to disappoint them... :(
All in all, I'm fat and frustrated and being a whiny bitch.
Its amusing that I spent today in 5 classrooms talking to 2nd graders about issues- one of them being self-image....
And then tonight I go shopping for one particular item (a strapless bra, because I'm going out dancing/to the bars with the roommates/friends this weekend as it is the last roommate's 21st- I haven't gone out all year and the straps on my top are super skinny) and can't find my size anywhere- found what I would normally wear... but it didn't work for strapless- and they don't make larger strapless sizes (unless you specially order them).... and i'm with my stupid skinny roommates (who i love dearly- I'm just venting) and it just doesn't help- I can't go shopping with them or show them what I try on because it just makes me feel bad about myself...
And this weekend when I was home, the scale read the highest weight I've ever been... I try different things, but can't find anything that works for me... and its frustrating...and when i get this frustrated, my first thought is to just stop eating entirely for a few weeks or something- irrational thought i know- its just the immediate thought... and then i feel stupid/guilty about it after... I eat well for the most part... I try to get a couple work outs of some form in each week... I guess I just have to get more motivated- maybe being away from the family and their bad habits and the roomies where i'll sit and munch for awhile while talking in the kitchen to them will help or something... I don't know... Its just frustrating... and I've spent so long learning to "like myself" and when I hit low slumps like this and just feel and look fat, its all the more frustrating... and makes me sound absolutely ridiculous...
I think more than anything, its bumming me out because it affects my entire mood about going out for my roomie's bday- I haven't been out with them to the club all year... at all... and they're really looking forward to me coming out... but when i feel so uncomfortable in my skin, I don't just let loose and have fun and I really don't want to go... but i also dont' want to disappoint them... :(
All in all, I'm fat and frustrated and being a whiny bitch.