The Conventions of Coupling (Parody)
Title: The Conventions of Coupling
Author: cantinera
Rating: R for adult-ish themes being mocked. Possibly disturbing to many.
Content: Refers to so many different pairings. It would be ridiculous to try and name them all.
Setting: Year 6.
Disclaimer: These are JK Rowling's characters and she is he ruler of them all. I'm just playing with them, so no profit is being made, and no harm intended.
Summary: Love spell goes wrong in Hogwarts. Who will be whose bitch?
A/N: I am not trying to tear down other writers or pairings, but just having fun with cliches and fanfic pairings even I write. Also, excuse the random pop culture references tossed in. I couldn't help myself.
This fic is rather rough. Still need to beta it.
How to Make a Hogwarts Love Potion
“Minerva?”
“Yes, Albus?”
“We aren’t generally irresponsible wizards, but I think we should make a love potion. It seems rather unfair that everyone at Hogwarts finds love, but we are destined to be alone.”
“Albus, you can just ask me out if you like. It's not against the rules,” Minerva said, flirtatiously.
“Oh, no. That’d be too easy. Besides, we need some plot point to make everyone hook up.”
“Ahh, I see.”
So Albus and Minerva mix the potion, but it backfires, causing some sort of weird spell, even though it was supposed to be a potion. They aren’t getting it on, but everyone in Hogwarts needs to hook up!
Dundundun!
“What the hell?” Albus said. “I’m the greatest wizard EVAR. How did I mess up?”
“Plot point. Now everyone needs to hook-up, but we don’t even get love.”
“We should’ve had Severus mix this, Minerva.”
“Yes, we should’ve, but he is too busy shagging Hermione.”
*****
Call Us LuLu
She stood there, her mind slowly wandering in that crazy way it did, for she was Luna, resident weirdo of Hogwarts. This is being told you out of laziness, not wanting to actually illustrate Luna’s weirdness.
And of course, being a student at Hogwarts, one must be hot for teacher. Any teacher, really. Well, no, because many are deemed too old-McGonagall, Dumbledore-or not hot-Sprout, Flitwick and Hagrid-thus eliminating most of the possible love affairs. Especially since Hermione seemed to be getting it on with Snape, Luna didn’t have many choices.
So it was time to look for an older man outside of Hogwarts. Ginny seemed to be with Sirius Black, and Luna didn’t really care for singers much anyway. How is a young girl going to find an older man now?
Who can she have?
“Oh, you make me howl,” someone said.
“Excuse me?” Luna responded, her voice doing that whispery, ethereal thing that signified she was different.
“You’re different,” the man said.
“I am. Who are you?” Luna asked.
“Me? I used to teach here. My name is Remus Lupin.”
“Oh, a professor?” Luna was all tingly now. Maybe it was her chance.
“You should know me, being as I taught at Hogwarts in your second year.”
“Yes, but I wasn’t in the books yet, so it really doesn’t count, even though we should technically have interacted.”
“Ahh, yes,” Lupin said. “Chocolate?”
“No thanks. I shouldn’t take chocolate from strangers.”
“I think we already established I was once your professor.”
“Doesn’t matter. You hand chocolate out too much. It’s rather creepy.”
“But I don’t want to creep you out, Luna. You make me howl.”
“Isn’t that rather… creepy?”
“But this is a professor and student relationship. It transcends creepy and becomes hot,” Lupin said.
“At Hogwarts, yes. It’s all the rage.”
“Indeed. We are meant to be.”
“What does that mean?” Luna aksed.
“Don’t you see? Luna means moon. I’m Lupin, which is derived from a word that means wolf. I’m a werewolf, you are the moon. I HOWL AT YOU! You bring out the beast in me, you know.” Lupin’s breath was fast, which should’ve been creepy being that he was a lot older than Luna, an ex-professor, and spouting nonsense. However, this was Hogwarts, the place where this sort of thing becomes HOT.
“Some people call me Loony.”
“And some people call me Moony!”
“Oh my! Meant to be, us!” Luna shouted, her eyes getting bigger and silvery and all that sort of thing.
“Yes, we are!”
“I’ve always wanted to date a professor. Most of the ones here are ghosts, imposters, jerks, old, not attractive or just not all that elaborated on. Plus, Hermione gets to have Snape to herself.”
“Who does Ginny get?” Lupin asked.
“Sirius Black.”
“But he is dead. And thought to be gay. Of course I wouldn’t know that.”
“Of course not, but it doesn’t matter. At Hogwarts, necrophilia is all the rage.”
“Right. Shall we go do something very strange, like have my name turn you into a werewolf?” Luna asked.
“Of course. Then we have lots of sex.”
“Isn’t that bestiality? As well as under-aged sex? I’m only fifteen.”
“Yes, but it’s all the rage at Hogwarts.”
“Indeed,” Luna said. “And they shall call us LuLu.”
***
I’m Still Here
Ginny stared into the mirror, her reflection revealing her big brown eyes and red hair, all burning with sadness. So sad, that Ginny.
“Oh lover, won’t you show yourself!” she cried.
“Yes, Ginny?” Sirius asked, his face in the mirror calling to her.
“No, not you, Sirius!” Ginny fumed. “I wanted someone else. By the way, how unfair is it that you show up in my mirror when you won’t even show up in Harry’s?”
“True love, my dear.”
“No, get lost. I’m waiting for another lover!” Ginny yelled.
“Fine, be that way.” With that, Sirius disappeared.
Ginny stared at her reflection, sad once again. The wrong lover had shown in her mirror, which was most disappointing. You see, Ginny got around a lot, making many lovers throughout her stay at Hogwarts. She had two conventional boyfriends, but that wasn’t enough. At Hogwarts, she had to have many loves.
And this one man, he burned so deep in her mind. She carried with him to this day because he haunted her. Literally!
“Oh, Tom! Where are you?”
She was met by silence.
“Oh, Tom! Come to me! You bring so much angst and darkness I crave for some reason. Please, don’t leave me.”
More silence.
“Listen, you whore! Reveal yourself!” Ginny was getting rather furious. Nobody makes her wait!
“Calm down, Sparky!”
“Oh, Tom you came! I thought you never would. At night you-”
“Haunt your dreams, bring you sorrow and angst, etc. etc. I know.”
“Ourloveissoangstandnotonthesameplane!”
“Listen, Ginny - I know I am the epitome of hotliness and am a great source of angst for you, but I did possess you and try to kill you.”
“I know, but the angst!”
“Yes,” Tom continued, staring at Ginny through the mirror, “but it’s over. My diary was destroyed. I don’t even know how I got here.”
“No, Tom! Don’t say that! ANGST!”
“Sorry, Ginny.”
“I will kill the whore that destroyed you!”
“Dude, I am trying in my nastier, older form. Be patient.” Tom winked at Ginny.
“Oh, yes. I remember.” Ginny wrinkled her nose. “You know, you’re rather unattractive as Voldemort. I think I will let go of this obsession. Bye Tommy!”
With that, Ginny let go of her pain in a way so meaningful that cannot be described.
And then she went to find another boyfriend.
***
Die, Ron, die.
“Oh, Harry. I know you don’t show any signs of liking me that way, but we must hook up,” Hermione said.
“Are you sure?” Harry asked, pausing to think for a moment. Something was off. “Wait, weren’t you just getting off with Snape in his office?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Harry! There are so few girls who stand out in this story, so we have to hook up with as many men as possible. And why do you think there is so much slash?” Hermione answered, her tone saying she knew it all.
“True. But what does that have to do with us?”
“The hero gets the girl!” Hermione yelled.
“So you are just the girl?” Harry was confused. “You’re the brains, my friend, someone I need and trust with my life. You go beyond just being ‘the girl,’ Hermione.”
“Harry, don’t argue. Just go with it."
“Hermione, do you like me?” Harry asked.
“I don’t know, but how about we isolate ourselves from everybody else and try and give it a go.”
Harry thought about it for a moment. Sure, he may not think of her that way, but why not?
“Hermione, will you go out with me?”
“No, Harry! We can’t do it that way. That’s too easy. How about some angst? You’re too messed-up to get together with someone without some angst.”
“But we are friends, Hermione. What’s the internal angst for us? We seem to get along, even if I can be a passive-aggressive shit when you try and tell me what to do.” Harry looked puzzled.
“Well,” Hermione started breathlessly, “I don’t know! Oh my. We have to figure something out to make this angsty. Going to the library would just be boring."
"Why would we go to the library?" Harry asked.
"Because we do that sometimes. We are there now."
"Are we? I didn't know where we were."
"Yes," Hermione said impatiently, "we are the library. I'm telling you now. And the library makes for boring dates."
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I know!” Hermione said, her voice full of excitement. “Why don’t I go get killed off and you realize you love me?”
“Hermione! I don’t want you dead! How would that cause an epiphany anyway?”
“I don’t know.” Hermione frowned.
“Besides, Hermione - I really don't want you to die.”
“Is that true love?” Hermione asked, perking up.
“Is it? I don’t really want anyone dead. Does that me a manwhore?”
“Some people think you are anyway.” Hermione went back to being deep in thought, ignoring Harry’s look of annoyance from her latest revelation. Harry was about to open his mouth, but before he could say anything, Hermione interrupted him. “How about you go die?”
“I don’t want to die, Hermione! Besides, how would that work? I’d be dead. We can’t date while I am dead.”
“There is always necrophilia. It’s all the rage at Hogwarts, you know.” Hermione smiled knowingly.
“Eww. That’s gross.”
“Well then, Harry!” Hermione was getting rather annoyed at Harry’s lack of contribution to this. “You figure something out.”
They sat there for a moment, quietly thinking of how they could get together. Angst, damn it! They needed angst.
They thought they should ask Ginny; something was telling them she craved it. Before either one of them could get up to ask Ginny, Neville showed up.
“Hey Harry! Hey Hermione!” Neville greeted them enthusiastically.
“Hey, Neville, could you get lost? Hermione and I are trying to alienate everyone so we can be a couple.” Harry smiled at Neville.
“Yes, Neville. Sorry about that. Maybe we can talk another time.”
Neville frowned, walking away from Hermione and Harry. Stupid isolation-theory.
“Any ideas, Harry?” Hermione asked.
“No, none so far. Want to just go on a date?”
Hermione started to open her mouth, but before she could say anything, Ron came running at them being extremely stupid and mean. Possibly a future Death Eater, too.
“Hey Harry! Hey Hermione!”
“Ron, what are you doing here?” Hermione asked, utterly confused.
“Thought I’d say and say something jerk-like or stupid. Besides, I just finished dating Luna, Lavender, Parvati, Padma, Pansy, Hannah and Susan Bones.”
“Oh my,” Hermione said. “And yet, you still couldn’t stay away?”
“Of course not!” Ron said. “I like you guys.”
“That’s nice, Ron,” Harry said. “We need to isolate you.”
“What? Aren’t we friends?” Ron asked. He was confused.
“Oh Ron, you are so stupid!” Hermione said.
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“No, I am not!” Ron yelled back.
“Hey, you two!” Harry said, interrupting them. “Save this for your coupling.”
“Oh, right,” Hermione said. “Sorry about that. Anyway, we need to go back to how we are going to get together.”
“WHAT?!” Ron shouted. “You two are getting together?”
“Calm down now, Ron,” Harry said. “We need to alienate you and-”
“No!” Ron said.
“Shut up, Ron!” Hermione said. “We need to think."
Ron did something mean and stupid.
“That was not cool, Ron,” Harry said.
“Oh!” Hermione had an idea. “I know how we could get together! Let’s kill Ron.”
“WHAT?!” Ron shouted again.
“If you die, we can be upset and turn to each other for comfort. It will be so sad. And angsty,” Hermione said.
“Let me say it again… WHAT?!” Ron was not feeling this.
“And we will only have each other, therefore it shall be tragic.” Harry was getting it.
“Look, I know I said I would die for you, Harry, but this is ridiculous. Screw you guys, I’m going to the Burrow.” And with that, Ron left.
“He got away.” Hermione looked disappointed, but only for a second. “Whatever. I’m going back to Snape’s office.”
Hermione walked away, leaving Harry sitting all alone. Poor Harry.
“Well, I didn’t want to be alone!” Harry shouted.
“Don’t worry, Potty. I’m here.” Draco was sitting next to him, sneering.
“Where did you come from?” Harry asked.
“It doesn’t matter. Let me just inform you we have such disdain for each other. I think we can translate that tension into something sexual, if you ask me. We can have creamy buttsex.”
"...”
“Also, if the timing is right, I can carry your baby.”
“...”
“Harry?”
“Err… I think I am going to go, Draco. That last statement scarred me for life, even more so than this lightning bolt on my head did.”
“Have it your way, Potter. I will just go feel up Pansy.”
“You do that.”
Harry had enough that day, but that didn’t stop him from fearing whatever could come next.
***
Draco + Ginny
“Draco, Draco, where fore art thou Draco? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!”
“So no more being Weaselby, eh?” Draco said, sneering up at his forbidden love.
“Did you just insult my family? And what’s a Weaselby?” Ginny asked.
“I honestly don’t know. It just sounded like a good insult.”
“Well, quit insulting my family, asshat!” Ginny yelled.
“Look, you were the one shouting up there about refusing your father and denying your name, or something.”
“It’s Shakespeare, Draco. We are supposed to be romantic like Romeo + Juliet.”
“Is that muggle stuff you got from your muggle-loving father?” Draco was sneering again.
“Don’t you start on my father!” Ginny got out her wand.
“Shut it, Weasel.” More sneering came from Draco.
“Oh yeah, Draco!” Ginny was irritated. “Your mum is so stupid, she dumped water on her firewhiskey so she wouldn’t burn herself.”
“Don’t talk about my mum!” Draco yelled. “Your mum is so poor, when I saw her wobbling down the street with one shoe, I yelled - ‘Lost a shoe?’, and she said-‘Nope... just found one...’”
“Don’t make me get down from this balcony, Draco!” Ginny was furious now. Even her lovely costume wasn’t helping her.
“Why are you up there anyway?”
“Oh, Draco,” Ginny sighed. “Our love was supposed to be forbidden. We are two outcasts from two feuding families who find love and unite each other.”
Draco was silent.
“Draco?”
“Well, Ginny. Not really. We hate each other."
"Because we are told to!" Ginny thought about it for a moment. "No, I really don't like you. And I really think your family is evil."
"Exactly. We both agree with the stance our family takes in this war. How are we like these muggle bitches?”
“Whatever, Draco. I think it’s just that we are hot together.”
“Could be,” Draco said. “I’m off to go feel up Pansy.”
“And I shall go find Sirius,” Ginny said as she walked away.
“Oh, I heard necrophilia is all the rage here at Hogwarts,” Draco said.
And with that, parting was rather sweet, but lacking the sorrow.
***
The Power of Three Compels You (And Then There Shall Be Two)
They were all lying down in Harry’s bed, each holding onto each other tightly. It was a bond between such great friends; so precious, so sweet, so strong. It couldn’t possibly be left at that. Especially in this fandom.
Threesome, triangles, whatever - it’s all good.
“I’m sorry, you guys,” Harry said, “I love you, but not that way.”
Ron looked a little disappointed.
“Don’t be sad, Ron. We can still get together separately. There is no such thing as pure, platonic love in this world.”
Ron didn’t look quite as disappointed.
“What about me, Harry?” Hermione asked as she clutched on to Ron who clutched on to Harry who clutched his blankie.
“We tried that earlier, remember.”
“Oh, yes. I must’ve forgotten when I went to visit Snape.”
“I think you owe me apology, you two,” Ron said.
“We’re sorry, Ron,” Harry said. “We really shouldn’t have even thought of killing you.”
“No problem. I love you guys.”
“We love you too, Ron!” Hermione and Harry said.
“Threesome?” Ron asked.
“So how does it work? Do we all get together at the same time? Does one watch? Do we…” Harry stopped.
“What?” Hermione asked.
Harry made a strange noise to signal his discomfort.
“Are you okay, Harry?” Hermione asked.
“I don’t think I like Ron touching me,” Harry whispered.
“Sorry, Harry.”
“See, Harry? Ron apologized.”
“I shall be leaving my own bed now. This is too weird.”
And with that, Harry left.
“You made him leave, Ron! We were going to have a threesome!” Hermione shouted.
“I did not! I didn’t come up with this crazy idea.”
“You did! Let’s argue!”
“Okay, I shall bicker and argue with you! Let’s use this bickering to cover up our sexual tension, so we can make-up and get together. We will then confess the reason we fight was to hide our true feelings.”
Ron and Hermione bicker. A lot.
“Woo, that is a lot of sexual tension if that's the reason we fight,” Hermione said.
Ron starts another fight to show even more, because that is the whole point. FIGHT!
"Bicker!" Hermione shouted.
"HOLLA!" Ron shouted back.
"Grr."
"Rowr."
"EEE!"
"BLAH!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"So do you!" Ron yelled.
“Ron, maybe we should quit fighting? This fighting covering tension plot gets old.”
“True, overused, but still, it’s us. Ever thought we might not like each other that much?"
"It's always a possibility. But we still must have hot sex at least one time. I'm Hermione -- I have hot sex with all the guys.."
"Okay. You should apologize to me for the fighting, though.” Ron smirked.
“I should apologize to you? Bitch, please.”
Hermione starts another argument with Ron. She even gives him a noogie.
“OKAY! UNCLE!”
“Safety words rule.” Hermione smiled.
“So, like, do I ask you out now?” Ron asked.
Hermione thought about it because she was the thinker of the group.
“Why don’t we plan our life out? Because we should have a love that lasts forever.”
“Forever?” Ron asked. “Forever, ever?”
“Forever ever.”
“Okay, so one day you will be Hermione Weasley.”
Hermione gasped at what could possibly be one of the most horrific names to ever exist.
“Then we will have lots of babies and live in the country next to Harry and Sirius.”
“Lots of babies?” Hermione wasn’t so sure about this.
“Yes! We will make my family look small, and have fluffy babies. They will look like us, too! Bushy red hair, buck teeth, skinny and lanky, with lots of freckles. Maybe they will inherit my temper and your bossy streak, too.”
"...”
"...”
“You know, Ron,” Hermione said, “we should just start this out by going and getting a milkshake.”
“My milkshake brings all the wizards to the yard,” Ron replied, nodding in agreement.
“Damn right, it’s better than yours.”
“What?” Ron asked.
“I don’t know. Now let’s go find Harry. I think we scared him!”
“Right.”
And so they crawled out of bed. Hermione shuddered one last time at their future.
****
The Really Disturbing Part You Might Want to Skip aka Theirloveissogerbil
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle, the love spell has another strange effect.
"Er -- Professor Flitwick -- yer gunna fit, or are ya gunna nee' mah help?" Hagrid asked.
"Ooh, Hagrid -- don't worry! One charm spell and flick of the wrist will get me right in there!" Flitwick responded enthusiastically.
"Listen, Professor Flitwick -- dya min' not tellin' anyone 'bout this? Especially Dumbledore."
"Do you think I want to tell people I become a human-gerbil for you? Especially my boss? I think not. Although, I hear it’s all the rage in Hogwarts."
"Aww, thank ya kin'ly!"
"It makes me wonder what kinky things you do with Dumbledore. Now, let me ge... mwpwffmffw"
“What was that, Professor?” Hagrid asked. “Oh, ne’er mind.”
And it shall be left at that. Anything more would be too disturbing.
****
Nothing Says I Love You Like Prejudice
“You filthy mudblood!” Draco shouted at Hermione.
“Are you saying you love me?” Hermione asked.
“No, I called you a mudblood.” Draco was confused. It must be Say-the-opposite-of-what-you-mean Day at Hogwarts. He heard it was all the rage.
“Weird, because I was wondering if it was sexual tension. Strange things get defined as sexual tension with me.” Hermione gave Draco a knowing look. “Right, I’m going to see Professor Snape.”
“Well, I’m off to feel up Pansy. Bye, mudblood!”
“Bye, Punkass Bitch!”
And they parted ways.
****
Mandy Sue and Harry Sitting in a Tree
“Hey, Harry!” Dean called out. “Like, how are you doing, mate?”
“Hello, Dean! It’s nice to see you.” Harry then became very cautious. “You’re not going to hit on me, are you?”
“What? No way. I’m dating Seamus.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. Everyone seems to acting really strange around me lately.”
“I know what you mean, Harry. The whole school has gone crazy.”
“You’re telling me.” Harry looked around, making sure Ron, Hermione and Draco were nowhere in sight.
“Say, Harry, did you hear about Ginny and Sirius? I heard necrophilia is all the rage at Hogwarts.”
But before Harry could respond, the most beautiful creature came forth. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, no matter how hard he tried.
“Harry, are you alright?”
“No, I’m not,” Harry said. “I think I am in love.”
The feeling transcended anything he ever felt before. She was that special.
“Like, hello. Damn, this Hogwarts is not as cool as where I am from. Who wants some American teenage angst? I am so going to yell at mom and dad for this transfer.”
“Do we even take transfers?” Dean asked. Harry seemed to be ignoring him, though. He was that taken by Mandy Sue.
“You are the most magnificent wizard I have ever encountered.”
“Tell me about it!” Mandy Sue said. “I’m prettier than Cho, sexier than a Veela, spunkier than Ginny, smarter than Hermione and more powerful than Dumbledore. I could tame Draco if I wanted to, but I want you! Do want to go listen to Pixies? And dance, and do all kind of Mandy Sue things.”
Harry didn’t know what to say. He was so taken by her.
“You know, there is something weird about this place. Everyone seems to be pairing off.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You know, since I am just that good of a wizard, I shall lift the spell like only a Mary Sue can, and you will still love me. I'm, like, that great.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Nomas fuckus!” Mandy said as she waved her wand.
The cloud had been lifted. Mandy Sue had saved the day.
“I still love you, Mandy Sue,” Harry said.
“Damn straight! Holla!” Mandy winked at Harry as they walked to the Great Hall. “So tell me, what is all the rage here?”
***
Dumbledore’s Speech at the End
“Children,” Dumbledore started, looking around at many faces, some still in lust, some absolutely horrified at what they were subjected to. “I am sorry that you were all under that strange love spell that Minerva and I managed to place upon Hogwarts when we tried to get our freak on. Now, I know you are subjected to some horrifying things, but never should students be subjected to such strangeness.”
“You can say that again,” shouted a random Hufflepuff who is so minor we shouldn’t name him.
“My deepest apologies. I must thank Mandy Sue for saving the day. Without her, we would’ve all ended up in some orgy, I am sure. As Mandy Sue was sorted into Gryffindor, let’s please award Gryffindor one hundred points.”
“Still not enough!” shouted Seamus.
“Well, as a consolation, I shall let you know there will be no Charm lessons for the next month. After the spell was broken, Professor Flitwick found himself in a state so shocking, he is catatonic.”
The students cheered.
“Oh, Mandy Sue, I love you,” Harry said.
“I know. I totally rule. Self-insertion and being perfect kicks ass.”
“Is that the ending?” Ron asked. “If so, it’s bloody stupid.”
“Oh, Ron. I’m going to go see Professor Snape,” Hermione said.
"Yeah, fuck you, Ron! I couldn't figure out how to end it," Mandy Sue yelled.
"Damn, she's sensitive."
The End
Author: cantinera
Rating: R for adult-ish themes being mocked. Possibly disturbing to many.
Content: Refers to so many different pairings. It would be ridiculous to try and name them all.
Setting: Year 6.
Disclaimer: These are JK Rowling's characters and she is he ruler of them all. I'm just playing with them, so no profit is being made, and no harm intended.
Summary: Love spell goes wrong in Hogwarts. Who will be whose bitch?
A/N: I am not trying to tear down other writers or pairings, but just having fun with cliches and fanfic pairings even I write. Also, excuse the random pop culture references tossed in. I couldn't help myself.
This fic is rather rough. Still need to beta it.
How to Make a Hogwarts Love Potion
“Minerva?”
“Yes, Albus?”
“We aren’t generally irresponsible wizards, but I think we should make a love potion. It seems rather unfair that everyone at Hogwarts finds love, but we are destined to be alone.”
“Albus, you can just ask me out if you like. It's not against the rules,” Minerva said, flirtatiously.
“Oh, no. That’d be too easy. Besides, we need some plot point to make everyone hook up.”
“Ahh, I see.”
So Albus and Minerva mix the potion, but it backfires, causing some sort of weird spell, even though it was supposed to be a potion. They aren’t getting it on, but everyone in Hogwarts needs to hook up!
Dundundun!
“What the hell?” Albus said. “I’m the greatest wizard EVAR. How did I mess up?”
“Plot point. Now everyone needs to hook-up, but we don’t even get love.”
“We should’ve had Severus mix this, Minerva.”
“Yes, we should’ve, but he is too busy shagging Hermione.”
*****
Call Us LuLu
She stood there, her mind slowly wandering in that crazy way it did, for she was Luna, resident weirdo of Hogwarts. This is being told you out of laziness, not wanting to actually illustrate Luna’s weirdness.
And of course, being a student at Hogwarts, one must be hot for teacher. Any teacher, really. Well, no, because many are deemed too old-McGonagall, Dumbledore-or not hot-Sprout, Flitwick and Hagrid-thus eliminating most of the possible love affairs. Especially since Hermione seemed to be getting it on with Snape, Luna didn’t have many choices.
So it was time to look for an older man outside of Hogwarts. Ginny seemed to be with Sirius Black, and Luna didn’t really care for singers much anyway. How is a young girl going to find an older man now?
Who can she have?
“Oh, you make me howl,” someone said.
“Excuse me?” Luna responded, her voice doing that whispery, ethereal thing that signified she was different.
“You’re different,” the man said.
“I am. Who are you?” Luna asked.
“Me? I used to teach here. My name is Remus Lupin.”
“Oh, a professor?” Luna was all tingly now. Maybe it was her chance.
“You should know me, being as I taught at Hogwarts in your second year.”
“Yes, but I wasn’t in the books yet, so it really doesn’t count, even though we should technically have interacted.”
“Ahh, yes,” Lupin said. “Chocolate?”
“No thanks. I shouldn’t take chocolate from strangers.”
“I think we already established I was once your professor.”
“Doesn’t matter. You hand chocolate out too much. It’s rather creepy.”
“But I don’t want to creep you out, Luna. You make me howl.”
“Isn’t that rather… creepy?”
“But this is a professor and student relationship. It transcends creepy and becomes hot,” Lupin said.
“At Hogwarts, yes. It’s all the rage.”
“Indeed. We are meant to be.”
“What does that mean?” Luna aksed.
“Don’t you see? Luna means moon. I’m Lupin, which is derived from a word that means wolf. I’m a werewolf, you are the moon. I HOWL AT YOU! You bring out the beast in me, you know.” Lupin’s breath was fast, which should’ve been creepy being that he was a lot older than Luna, an ex-professor, and spouting nonsense. However, this was Hogwarts, the place where this sort of thing becomes HOT.
“Some people call me Loony.”
“And some people call me Moony!”
“Oh my! Meant to be, us!” Luna shouted, her eyes getting bigger and silvery and all that sort of thing.
“Yes, we are!”
“I’ve always wanted to date a professor. Most of the ones here are ghosts, imposters, jerks, old, not attractive or just not all that elaborated on. Plus, Hermione gets to have Snape to herself.”
“Who does Ginny get?” Lupin asked.
“Sirius Black.”
“But he is dead. And thought to be gay. Of course I wouldn’t know that.”
“Of course not, but it doesn’t matter. At Hogwarts, necrophilia is all the rage.”
“Right. Shall we go do something very strange, like have my name turn you into a werewolf?” Luna asked.
“Of course. Then we have lots of sex.”
“Isn’t that bestiality? As well as under-aged sex? I’m only fifteen.”
“Yes, but it’s all the rage at Hogwarts.”
“Indeed,” Luna said. “And they shall call us LuLu.”
***
I’m Still Here
Ginny stared into the mirror, her reflection revealing her big brown eyes and red hair, all burning with sadness. So sad, that Ginny.
“Oh lover, won’t you show yourself!” she cried.
“Yes, Ginny?” Sirius asked, his face in the mirror calling to her.
“No, not you, Sirius!” Ginny fumed. “I wanted someone else. By the way, how unfair is it that you show up in my mirror when you won’t even show up in Harry’s?”
“True love, my dear.”
“No, get lost. I’m waiting for another lover!” Ginny yelled.
“Fine, be that way.” With that, Sirius disappeared.
Ginny stared at her reflection, sad once again. The wrong lover had shown in her mirror, which was most disappointing. You see, Ginny got around a lot, making many lovers throughout her stay at Hogwarts. She had two conventional boyfriends, but that wasn’t enough. At Hogwarts, she had to have many loves.
And this one man, he burned so deep in her mind. She carried with him to this day because he haunted her. Literally!
“Oh, Tom! Where are you?”
She was met by silence.
“Oh, Tom! Come to me! You bring so much angst and darkness I crave for some reason. Please, don’t leave me.”
More silence.
“Listen, you whore! Reveal yourself!” Ginny was getting rather furious. Nobody makes her wait!
“Calm down, Sparky!”
“Oh, Tom you came! I thought you never would. At night you-”
“Haunt your dreams, bring you sorrow and angst, etc. etc. I know.”
“Ourloveissoangstandnotonthesameplane!”
“Listen, Ginny - I know I am the epitome of hotliness and am a great source of angst for you, but I did possess you and try to kill you.”
“I know, but the angst!”
“Yes,” Tom continued, staring at Ginny through the mirror, “but it’s over. My diary was destroyed. I don’t even know how I got here.”
“No, Tom! Don’t say that! ANGST!”
“Sorry, Ginny.”
“I will kill the whore that destroyed you!”
“Dude, I am trying in my nastier, older form. Be patient.” Tom winked at Ginny.
“Oh, yes. I remember.” Ginny wrinkled her nose. “You know, you’re rather unattractive as Voldemort. I think I will let go of this obsession. Bye Tommy!”
With that, Ginny let go of her pain in a way so meaningful that cannot be described.
And then she went to find another boyfriend.
***
Die, Ron, die.
“Oh, Harry. I know you don’t show any signs of liking me that way, but we must hook up,” Hermione said.
“Are you sure?” Harry asked, pausing to think for a moment. Something was off. “Wait, weren’t you just getting off with Snape in his office?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Harry! There are so few girls who stand out in this story, so we have to hook up with as many men as possible. And why do you think there is so much slash?” Hermione answered, her tone saying she knew it all.
“True. But what does that have to do with us?”
“The hero gets the girl!” Hermione yelled.
“So you are just the girl?” Harry was confused. “You’re the brains, my friend, someone I need and trust with my life. You go beyond just being ‘the girl,’ Hermione.”
“Harry, don’t argue. Just go with it."
“Hermione, do you like me?” Harry asked.
“I don’t know, but how about we isolate ourselves from everybody else and try and give it a go.”
Harry thought about it for a moment. Sure, he may not think of her that way, but why not?
“Hermione, will you go out with me?”
“No, Harry! We can’t do it that way. That’s too easy. How about some angst? You’re too messed-up to get together with someone without some angst.”
“But we are friends, Hermione. What’s the internal angst for us? We seem to get along, even if I can be a passive-aggressive shit when you try and tell me what to do.” Harry looked puzzled.
“Well,” Hermione started breathlessly, “I don’t know! Oh my. We have to figure something out to make this angsty. Going to the library would just be boring."
"Why would we go to the library?" Harry asked.
"Because we do that sometimes. We are there now."
"Are we? I didn't know where we were."
"Yes," Hermione said impatiently, "we are the library. I'm telling you now. And the library makes for boring dates."
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I know!” Hermione said, her voice full of excitement. “Why don’t I go get killed off and you realize you love me?”
“Hermione! I don’t want you dead! How would that cause an epiphany anyway?”
“I don’t know.” Hermione frowned.
“Besides, Hermione - I really don't want you to die.”
“Is that true love?” Hermione asked, perking up.
“Is it? I don’t really want anyone dead. Does that me a manwhore?”
“Some people think you are anyway.” Hermione went back to being deep in thought, ignoring Harry’s look of annoyance from her latest revelation. Harry was about to open his mouth, but before he could say anything, Hermione interrupted him. “How about you go die?”
“I don’t want to die, Hermione! Besides, how would that work? I’d be dead. We can’t date while I am dead.”
“There is always necrophilia. It’s all the rage at Hogwarts, you know.” Hermione smiled knowingly.
“Eww. That’s gross.”
“Well then, Harry!” Hermione was getting rather annoyed at Harry’s lack of contribution to this. “You figure something out.”
They sat there for a moment, quietly thinking of how they could get together. Angst, damn it! They needed angst.
They thought they should ask Ginny; something was telling them she craved it. Before either one of them could get up to ask Ginny, Neville showed up.
“Hey Harry! Hey Hermione!” Neville greeted them enthusiastically.
“Hey, Neville, could you get lost? Hermione and I are trying to alienate everyone so we can be a couple.” Harry smiled at Neville.
“Yes, Neville. Sorry about that. Maybe we can talk another time.”
Neville frowned, walking away from Hermione and Harry. Stupid isolation-theory.
“Any ideas, Harry?” Hermione asked.
“No, none so far. Want to just go on a date?”
Hermione started to open her mouth, but before she could say anything, Ron came running at them being extremely stupid and mean. Possibly a future Death Eater, too.
“Hey Harry! Hey Hermione!”
“Ron, what are you doing here?” Hermione asked, utterly confused.
“Thought I’d say and say something jerk-like or stupid. Besides, I just finished dating Luna, Lavender, Parvati, Padma, Pansy, Hannah and Susan Bones.”
“Oh my,” Hermione said. “And yet, you still couldn’t stay away?”
“Of course not!” Ron said. “I like you guys.”
“That’s nice, Ron,” Harry said. “We need to isolate you.”
“What? Aren’t we friends?” Ron asked. He was confused.
“Oh Ron, you are so stupid!” Hermione said.
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“No, I am not!” Ron yelled back.
“Hey, you two!” Harry said, interrupting them. “Save this for your coupling.”
“Oh, right,” Hermione said. “Sorry about that. Anyway, we need to go back to how we are going to get together.”
“WHAT?!” Ron shouted. “You two are getting together?”
“Calm down now, Ron,” Harry said. “We need to alienate you and-”
“No!” Ron said.
“Shut up, Ron!” Hermione said. “We need to think."
Ron did something mean and stupid.
“That was not cool, Ron,” Harry said.
“Oh!” Hermione had an idea. “I know how we could get together! Let’s kill Ron.”
“WHAT?!” Ron shouted again.
“If you die, we can be upset and turn to each other for comfort. It will be so sad. And angsty,” Hermione said.
“Let me say it again… WHAT?!” Ron was not feeling this.
“And we will only have each other, therefore it shall be tragic.” Harry was getting it.
“Look, I know I said I would die for you, Harry, but this is ridiculous. Screw you guys, I’m going to the Burrow.” And with that, Ron left.
“He got away.” Hermione looked disappointed, but only for a second. “Whatever. I’m going back to Snape’s office.”
Hermione walked away, leaving Harry sitting all alone. Poor Harry.
“Well, I didn’t want to be alone!” Harry shouted.
“Don’t worry, Potty. I’m here.” Draco was sitting next to him, sneering.
“Where did you come from?” Harry asked.
“It doesn’t matter. Let me just inform you we have such disdain for each other. I think we can translate that tension into something sexual, if you ask me. We can have creamy buttsex.”
"...”
“Also, if the timing is right, I can carry your baby.”
“...”
“Harry?”
“Err… I think I am going to go, Draco. That last statement scarred me for life, even more so than this lightning bolt on my head did.”
“Have it your way, Potter. I will just go feel up Pansy.”
“You do that.”
Harry had enough that day, but that didn’t stop him from fearing whatever could come next.
***
Draco + Ginny
“Draco, Draco, where fore art thou Draco? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!”
“So no more being Weaselby, eh?” Draco said, sneering up at his forbidden love.
“Did you just insult my family? And what’s a Weaselby?” Ginny asked.
“I honestly don’t know. It just sounded like a good insult.”
“Well, quit insulting my family, asshat!” Ginny yelled.
“Look, you were the one shouting up there about refusing your father and denying your name, or something.”
“It’s Shakespeare, Draco. We are supposed to be romantic like Romeo + Juliet.”
“Is that muggle stuff you got from your muggle-loving father?” Draco was sneering again.
“Don’t you start on my father!” Ginny got out her wand.
“Shut it, Weasel.” More sneering came from Draco.
“Oh yeah, Draco!” Ginny was irritated. “Your mum is so stupid, she dumped water on her firewhiskey so she wouldn’t burn herself.”
“Don’t talk about my mum!” Draco yelled. “Your mum is so poor, when I saw her wobbling down the street with one shoe, I yelled - ‘Lost a shoe?’, and she said-‘Nope... just found one...’”
“Don’t make me get down from this balcony, Draco!” Ginny was furious now. Even her lovely costume wasn’t helping her.
“Why are you up there anyway?”
“Oh, Draco,” Ginny sighed. “Our love was supposed to be forbidden. We are two outcasts from two feuding families who find love and unite each other.”
Draco was silent.
“Draco?”
“Well, Ginny. Not really. We hate each other."
"Because we are told to!" Ginny thought about it for a moment. "No, I really don't like you. And I really think your family is evil."
"Exactly. We both agree with the stance our family takes in this war. How are we like these muggle bitches?”
“Whatever, Draco. I think it’s just that we are hot together.”
“Could be,” Draco said. “I’m off to go feel up Pansy.”
“And I shall go find Sirius,” Ginny said as she walked away.
“Oh, I heard necrophilia is all the rage here at Hogwarts,” Draco said.
And with that, parting was rather sweet, but lacking the sorrow.
***
The Power of Three Compels You (And Then There Shall Be Two)
They were all lying down in Harry’s bed, each holding onto each other tightly. It was a bond between such great friends; so precious, so sweet, so strong. It couldn’t possibly be left at that. Especially in this fandom.
Threesome, triangles, whatever - it’s all good.
“I’m sorry, you guys,” Harry said, “I love you, but not that way.”
Ron looked a little disappointed.
“Don’t be sad, Ron. We can still get together separately. There is no such thing as pure, platonic love in this world.”
Ron didn’t look quite as disappointed.
“What about me, Harry?” Hermione asked as she clutched on to Ron who clutched on to Harry who clutched his blankie.
“We tried that earlier, remember.”
“Oh, yes. I must’ve forgotten when I went to visit Snape.”
“I think you owe me apology, you two,” Ron said.
“We’re sorry, Ron,” Harry said. “We really shouldn’t have even thought of killing you.”
“No problem. I love you guys.”
“We love you too, Ron!” Hermione and Harry said.
“Threesome?” Ron asked.
“So how does it work? Do we all get together at the same time? Does one watch? Do we…” Harry stopped.
“What?” Hermione asked.
Harry made a strange noise to signal his discomfort.
“Are you okay, Harry?” Hermione asked.
“I don’t think I like Ron touching me,” Harry whispered.
“Sorry, Harry.”
“See, Harry? Ron apologized.”
“I shall be leaving my own bed now. This is too weird.”
And with that, Harry left.
“You made him leave, Ron! We were going to have a threesome!” Hermione shouted.
“I did not! I didn’t come up with this crazy idea.”
“You did! Let’s argue!”
“Okay, I shall bicker and argue with you! Let’s use this bickering to cover up our sexual tension, so we can make-up and get together. We will then confess the reason we fight was to hide our true feelings.”
Ron and Hermione bicker. A lot.
“Woo, that is a lot of sexual tension if that's the reason we fight,” Hermione said.
Ron starts another fight to show even more, because that is the whole point. FIGHT!
"Bicker!" Hermione shouted.
"HOLLA!" Ron shouted back.
"Grr."
"Rowr."
"EEE!"
"BLAH!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"So do you!" Ron yelled.
“Ron, maybe we should quit fighting? This fighting covering tension plot gets old.”
“True, overused, but still, it’s us. Ever thought we might not like each other that much?"
"It's always a possibility. But we still must have hot sex at least one time. I'm Hermione -- I have hot sex with all the guys.."
"Okay. You should apologize to me for the fighting, though.” Ron smirked.
“I should apologize to you? Bitch, please.”
Hermione starts another argument with Ron. She even gives him a noogie.
“OKAY! UNCLE!”
“Safety words rule.” Hermione smiled.
“So, like, do I ask you out now?” Ron asked.
Hermione thought about it because she was the thinker of the group.
“Why don’t we plan our life out? Because we should have a love that lasts forever.”
“Forever?” Ron asked. “Forever, ever?”
“Forever ever.”
“Okay, so one day you will be Hermione Weasley.”
Hermione gasped at what could possibly be one of the most horrific names to ever exist.
“Then we will have lots of babies and live in the country next to Harry and Sirius.”
“Lots of babies?” Hermione wasn’t so sure about this.
“Yes! We will make my family look small, and have fluffy babies. They will look like us, too! Bushy red hair, buck teeth, skinny and lanky, with lots of freckles. Maybe they will inherit my temper and your bossy streak, too.”
"...”
"...”
“You know, Ron,” Hermione said, “we should just start this out by going and getting a milkshake.”
“My milkshake brings all the wizards to the yard,” Ron replied, nodding in agreement.
“Damn right, it’s better than yours.”
“What?” Ron asked.
“I don’t know. Now let’s go find Harry. I think we scared him!”
“Right.”
And so they crawled out of bed. Hermione shuddered one last time at their future.
****
The Really Disturbing Part You Might Want to Skip aka Theirloveissogerbil
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle, the love spell has another strange effect.
"Er -- Professor Flitwick -- yer gunna fit, or are ya gunna nee' mah help?" Hagrid asked.
"Ooh, Hagrid -- don't worry! One charm spell and flick of the wrist will get me right in there!" Flitwick responded enthusiastically.
"Listen, Professor Flitwick -- dya min' not tellin' anyone 'bout this? Especially Dumbledore."
"Do you think I want to tell people I become a human-gerbil for you? Especially my boss? I think not. Although, I hear it’s all the rage in Hogwarts."
"Aww, thank ya kin'ly!"
"It makes me wonder what kinky things you do with Dumbledore. Now, let me ge... mwpwffmffw"
“What was that, Professor?” Hagrid asked. “Oh, ne’er mind.”
And it shall be left at that. Anything more would be too disturbing.
****
Nothing Says I Love You Like Prejudice
“You filthy mudblood!” Draco shouted at Hermione.
“Are you saying you love me?” Hermione asked.
“No, I called you a mudblood.” Draco was confused. It must be Say-the-opposite-of-what-you-mean Day at Hogwarts. He heard it was all the rage.
“Weird, because I was wondering if it was sexual tension. Strange things get defined as sexual tension with me.” Hermione gave Draco a knowing look. “Right, I’m going to see Professor Snape.”
“Well, I’m off to feel up Pansy. Bye, mudblood!”
“Bye, Punkass Bitch!”
And they parted ways.
****
Mandy Sue and Harry Sitting in a Tree
“Hey, Harry!” Dean called out. “Like, how are you doing, mate?”
“Hello, Dean! It’s nice to see you.” Harry then became very cautious. “You’re not going to hit on me, are you?”
“What? No way. I’m dating Seamus.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. Everyone seems to acting really strange around me lately.”
“I know what you mean, Harry. The whole school has gone crazy.”
“You’re telling me.” Harry looked around, making sure Ron, Hermione and Draco were nowhere in sight.
“Say, Harry, did you hear about Ginny and Sirius? I heard necrophilia is all the rage at Hogwarts.”
But before Harry could respond, the most beautiful creature came forth. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, no matter how hard he tried.
“Harry, are you alright?”
“No, I’m not,” Harry said. “I think I am in love.”
The feeling transcended anything he ever felt before. She was that special.
“Like, hello. Damn, this Hogwarts is not as cool as where I am from. Who wants some American teenage angst? I am so going to yell at mom and dad for this transfer.”
“Do we even take transfers?” Dean asked. Harry seemed to be ignoring him, though. He was that taken by Mandy Sue.
“You are the most magnificent wizard I have ever encountered.”
“Tell me about it!” Mandy Sue said. “I’m prettier than Cho, sexier than a Veela, spunkier than Ginny, smarter than Hermione and more powerful than Dumbledore. I could tame Draco if I wanted to, but I want you! Do want to go listen to Pixies? And dance, and do all kind of Mandy Sue things.”
Harry didn’t know what to say. He was so taken by her.
“You know, there is something weird about this place. Everyone seems to be pairing off.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You know, since I am just that good of a wizard, I shall lift the spell like only a Mary Sue can, and you will still love me. I'm, like, that great.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Nomas fuckus!” Mandy said as she waved her wand.
The cloud had been lifted. Mandy Sue had saved the day.
“I still love you, Mandy Sue,” Harry said.
“Damn straight! Holla!” Mandy winked at Harry as they walked to the Great Hall. “So tell me, what is all the rage here?”
***
Dumbledore’s Speech at the End
“Children,” Dumbledore started, looking around at many faces, some still in lust, some absolutely horrified at what they were subjected to. “I am sorry that you were all under that strange love spell that Minerva and I managed to place upon Hogwarts when we tried to get our freak on. Now, I know you are subjected to some horrifying things, but never should students be subjected to such strangeness.”
“You can say that again,” shouted a random Hufflepuff who is so minor we shouldn’t name him.
“My deepest apologies. I must thank Mandy Sue for saving the day. Without her, we would’ve all ended up in some orgy, I am sure. As Mandy Sue was sorted into Gryffindor, let’s please award Gryffindor one hundred points.”
“Still not enough!” shouted Seamus.
“Well, as a consolation, I shall let you know there will be no Charm lessons for the next month. After the spell was broken, Professor Flitwick found himself in a state so shocking, he is catatonic.”
The students cheered.
“Oh, Mandy Sue, I love you,” Harry said.
“I know. I totally rule. Self-insertion and being perfect kicks ass.”
“Is that the ending?” Ron asked. “If so, it’s bloody stupid.”
“Oh, Ron. I’m going to go see Professor Snape,” Hermione said.
"Yeah, fuck you, Ron! I couldn't figure out how to end it," Mandy Sue yelled.
"Damn, she's sensitive."
The End