Volume 1: Issue 6
Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair
Baby #1
Congratulations are in order as Katie Holmes (of Dawson’s Creek fame) has given birth to a baby girl, which she and her fiancé Tom Cruise (of Oprah fame) have named Suri. Weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces, baby and mother are apparently doing “wonderfully.” The name Suri means “princess” in Hebrew which is appropriate considering she is Hollywood royalty. And according to Veronica, it also means “pickpocket” in Japanese. Well she would know.
Tom Cruise has cancelled all his promotional plans for his latest film, Mission Impossible 3, in order to spend time with Katie and Suri, a move which clearly shows that this relationship is not just a publicity stunt gone wrong as one my heartless peers has suggested. It's true love between Katie and Tom. You'll see.
Baby #2
Gwyneth Paltrow also gave birth this week. She and husband Chris Martin (lead singer of that band Coldplay) have named their son Moses, which seems like a really weird choice until you remember that they named their daughter Apple (I swear, Logan Echolls is the only normally named celebrity offspring that I know). Born six weeks premature, Moses will be closely monitored by some of America’s finest doctors to make sure he is OK.
I've been hearing that Gwyneth wants to get back to her career and start making more movies. That last one she was in (Proof or something?) was a total snore-fest. She needs to team up with one of her gorgeous ex-boyfriends (anything to get Brad away from that psycho Angelina) and make something fun like Pretty Woman.
Baby #3
Without a doubt the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard: Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to Brad Pitt’s sole genetic offspring in Africa. I’m sorry, but isn’t Africa full of diseases and debt and stuff? I mean, Bono’s made it pretty clear that the Africans can’t take care of themselves and yet she’s going to trust them with Brad Pitt’s baby?! I can’t even say ‘Namibia’ and my spell-check says that it’s not a real word!
Apparently, by giving birth in Africa, she'll be making a 'statement'. Whatever, Angelina. What kind of statement were you making with Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and its equally awful sequel? (Dick made me watch it with him. Thank god I've moved on to more mature men) Angelina talks the talk but I find her walk somewhat lacking.
That's all for today, gossip fans! Be sure to tune in for the next installment. If you want to read about what has been going on here in Neptune, check out Carrie Bishop's gossip column.
Say it with Snickerdoodles
by Veronica Mars
This recipe is so easy. You can make these cookies while listening to music, your best friend’s latest basketball glories, or interrogation tapes from a murder case... And once you start eating them, it's hard to stop, so they are best made as a gift for someone else. I’m not one for mushy apologies, so if I make you a batch of Snickerdoodles, just assume I’m sorry. While repentant husbands buy their wives flowers when they make a mistake, I prefer to mend fences with desserts. (It always works on my best friend Wallace.)
Preheat the oven to 350 and sift together:
2 cups all purpose flour
2 tablespoons cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Beat on medium speed and until fluffy:
2 sticks unsalted butter (softened)
1 1/2 cups sugar
Add 2 large eggs.
Stir the flour mixture into the butter mixture until well blended and smooth. Pull off pieces of the dough and roll between your palms to form 1 1/4-inch balls.
Roll in a mixture of:
1/4 cup sugar
4 teaspoons cinnamon
Space 2 inches apart on cookie sheets. Bake one sheet at a time until cookies are light brown around the edges, 8-11 minutes. To make sure your cookies brown evenly, turn the sheet halfway through baking. Remove and let cool before transferring cookies to a cooling rack.
Let the sheets cool between batches or the cookies may spread too much. After I put one sheet in the oven, I put the other one in the fridge and keep switching back and forth. My strengths are more in the darkroom than in the kitchen, but thanks to The Joy of Cooking, even I can bake. I mean, look at those cookies! Follow my simple instructions and no one will be able to say no to you again. Throw in a head tilt and you're set. No one turns away a girl with a plate full of tasty treats.
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
My boyfriend always wants me to go see horror movies with him. He thinks they're great, but I hate them! They're so scary, and they exploit women. I don't know why Hollywood keeps making movies like that! I don't want to get in a big fight, but how can I tell him I don't want to go see Silent Hill this weekend - or any horror movies, ever again?
-- Fraidy Cat
Dear Fraidy,
If you'd pull your head out of your boyfriend's lap and actually watch a horror movie or two, you'll realize horror movies only show naked chicks because nobody in their target audience wants to see a naked guy. Your average slasher body count is split pretty evenly between guys and girls. More importantly, horror movies don't exploit women - horror movies love women. It's always a woman who defeats the killer. And it's not the dumb bimbo who lost her bikini top, either. It's the strong, smart girl. (Usually a virgin, but not always - that's a common misconception.) I think you're afraid of taking charge of your own girl power.
Regarding Silent Hill, you don't have anything to worry about. Tell your boyfriend I saw it this weekend, and it was a yawner. FYI, the heroes are a mom who's trying to save her little girl, and a motorcycle cop - a female motorcycle cop. Meanwhile, the father tries some B&E, and roughs up a nun, but spends most of the movie trying to call his wife on his cell phone.
-- Logan
P.S. Call me if you want to go see Slither this weekend.
Dear Logan,
This girl at school is always up in my grill, jumping to conclusions and accusing me of everything, without any hard proof. And I'm talking big stuff, like murder, and the Journalism Class bus crash. Whenever I ask her for help, she plays stupid head games, like she's entertaining herself at my expense. She's working my last nerve! How do I get her off my back?
-- Fed Up Jumping Through Hoops
Dear Fed Up,
I completely sympathize with your situation, having been in a similar one myself, with a certain paranoid, unsympathetic female who believes the entire universe spins on her butt. We've all heard the saying "Women are from Venus, and men are from Mars." Some women are definitely from Mars.
My advice to you is to ignore her as best you can, and comfort yourself with the thought that she will eventually alienate everyone who ever gave a damn about her. She'll end up alone in her ghetto one-bedroom apartment, a wizened old crone counting her stacks of money, until she's visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve who show her the error of her ways. And then when she comes by your mansion with the biggest turkey at the butcher shop, you can have the pleasure of slamming the door in her face.
-- Logan
Dear Logan,
I like K. a lot. B. totally likes me. I think B. is cool. I think K. is cooler. I fear it will all blow up in my face, and I will be left hurting one or both of them, and being hurt myself. A guy friend of mine thinks that what I should say to K. (as a girl did this to him once, and he thought it was dead sexy) is simply, "Are you interested in me?" Get it out in the open. He says yes, rockin'. He says no... well, then, at least I know. What do you think I should do?
-- Confused
Dear Confused,
You and me both! I'm not even sure of the genders, so I'm just gonna imagine you're you and K. and B. are all Catholic schoolgirls, and that you're wearing your uniforms right now. Choice of panties versus no-panties is entirely up to you.
Your guy friend is right. Kimberly might not realize you want to have pillow fights with her and explore your Inner Goddess together. So, go for it. Also, it's not your fault that Bambi doesn't make you squee, even though you think she's cool. Although I'm willing to bet you're just making nicey-nice, and Bambi's really Sister Benedictine, a terrifying hag who enjoys smacking you with a ruler, and the fact that you think that's cool...
Hang on a second. Where was I? Oh, right. My advice is: arrange a threesome, and videotape it.
-- Logan
Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.
Review of Dead or Alive
Xtreme Beach Volleyball
by Dick Casablancas
So you’re sitting around at home, right, and you want to play video games, but you also want to look at hot chicks. This is the game for you, bro. How about busty girls jiggling and giggling while giving you something to do with your hands? These girls stretch and jump around in bikinis… and they do plenty of bouncing, if you catch my drift. They even knock a ball around (like that’s really the point of the game).
Sadly, the game is a kind of a tease, since you can change their outfits, but you don’t get to see any good stuff. If you’re looking for something to top the “Hot Coffee” mod in Grand Theft Auto, this ain’t it. I’m holding out hope that Dead or Alive 2 serves up something more…titillating.
Still, it’s a decent game, and it can provide enough stimulation to get you through some lonely nights.
Overall, the Dickster gives it 4 out of 5 shot glasses:
Weevil's World of Wheels
by Eli "Weevil" Navarro
Okay, boys and girls. Today we’re talkin’ about the ‘Cuda, the only cool car Plymouth ever made.
A ‘Cuda, not to be confused with its weak sister, the Barracuda, is unusual combination of power and size - kinda like me. Smaller than a muscle car, it was the first pony car, having debuted two weeks before the Mustang. In case you don’t know, a muscle car is a mid-size performance car with a big-ass engine, ususally a V-8. A pony car is smaller, with a little less umph. Think Camero and Mustang. A pony car is a muscle car only when it’s got a special package, you know, under the hood. Believe me, the ‘Cuda has one.
The 1970 ‘Cuda featured five different V8s: the 340, 383, 440, 440+6, and the almighty 426 Hemi. Its trademark is its dual, non-functional hood scoops, but if you wanted, you could get an optional, operational “shaker” scoop. It was attached directly to the engine and poked up through the hood, and it "shaked" with the engine, hence its tag.
In 1970, Plymouth built a special ‘Cuda, the AAR (All-American Racer). Unlike Ford and Chevy, who built models that only pretended to be race cars (the Boss 302 Mustang and the Camaro Z28), the AAR ‘Cuda was a limited-edition street rod made for the Trans-Am racing series but sold to anyone with the cash. It had a unique V8 with 3x2 carbs and pumped out 290 bhp. It’s special shocks and recambered rear springs raised its ass 1 3/4 inches so you could hang some massive rear tires. Bigger tires = better traction = faster. Get it? They only made about 1,500 of these beauties, so if you get your hands on one, keep it.
You don’t see many on the road, but if you watch TV, Nash Bridges drove a really rare convertible 'Cuda. I heard the Supernatural guys had one too, but I checked it out and they're currently driving a late model Impala like mine. Just last week, my friend Veronica was searching for a puke-green ‘Cuda driven by that scumbag Liam Fitzpatrick. Nice car, but one of these days, Liam’s goin’ down, no matter what kinda car he drives. If you happen to see it, holla at me, would ya.
Mac’s Technology Tips
by Cindy “Mac” Mackenzie
Dear Mac,
I've been thinking about getting a MySpace or LiveJournal. Both of these sites will let me decide how my blog will look, and I want mine to be totally sweet. Do you have any tips on how to make it into the best-looking webpage on the internet?
--Blog Beginner
Dear Blog Beginner,
There are a few basic design tips that you should keep in mind when putting together your online journal.
First, be careful in choosing your colors. Selecting colors that are too bright can hurt the eyes of people who find your blog. Also, using a text color that is too similar in shade to your background color (such as yellow on light green or navy on black) can make it difficult to read whatever words you put on your page.
One other thing to avoid at all costs is an imbedded audio file. I know it might seem like a really great idea to share your favorite song with everyone who comes to see your blog, but - trust me - nothing is more likely to get a potential new friend clicking the back button on their browser window.
Of course, the easiest way to make sure that your webpage looks great would be to hire a web designer, such as myself.
Three blogs to visit after you're done reading ours:
The Gadget Blog
Not the best design on the web, but the best info. Check out this microphone I bought last week!
Waiter Rant
Simple, clean layout + sharp and funny commentary + regular updates = one great blog.
Current TV
I can't say enough about this site: sophisticated design without being showy, fun to read, and tons of imbedded video clips.
Bonus find of the week:
The Sacks Files
If you've ever been in trouble with the law in this town, you'll know what a jewel this truly is. Thank you, Google!
Gia’s Feelings Journal
by Gia Goodman
You'll never guess what I learned this week! A little birdy told me that one of the coolest guys in school, my elusive friend mentioned in the last issue, totally keeps a feelings journal! Can you believe it?! I bet our little talk about opening up and being honest is what inspired him to start.
Anyway, it is such a relief to know that I'm not the only one! For those of you wondering just what a feelings journal is, uh, duh! It's a place to write about your feelings. I write in mine daily, just like Oprah! You should definitely give it a try.
And, hey, now that it's the cool thing to do, I can share mine with you! The rest of the Navigator staff isn't crazy about the idea - aren't they sweet to be worried about my privacy like that? I reminded them that I'm not shy about telling people what I think and I've taken their resounding "WE KNOW!" as an ok to go ahead with it.
This week I'm feeling useful and smart but also a little nervous.
A friend ran an ad looking for some information and not only did I totally figure out that it was her ad, I actually knew something she didn't! She's so smart and pretty and everyone totally goes to her for help. Only this time I was the one helping her. I even had to dredge up memories of the day of the bus crash so it wasn't easy!
Of course her ad promised a reward and I notice she hasn't given me anything yet. What's up with that? Maybe I can get her to find me a date to prom as payment? No one's asked me yet and it's making me nervous. I was dating someone but things didn't work out between us. (You know I'll share anything with you guys but I don't kiss and tell.) Anyway, I thought he was going to be my date but now I'm dateless and Prom is about a week away.
I mean, I was proud of myself for going to the Sadie Hawkins dance alone but Prom is meant to be shared. You can't go alone. That's just...lame.
So there you go, that's what I've been feeling this week. Neat, huh? What have you been feeling? Why don't you start your very own feelings journal and tell us all about it? And hey, if anyone out there needs a date to the Prom, you know where to find me!
And ladies, make sure you read Jackie and Cora's Fashion Police before you buy your dress. You don't want to end up on their Worst Dressed list!
Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to babsonite, beppergirl, bennet_7, brimtoast, dark_roast, herowlness, irish_bunnie, rindee, schnappycat, raelee, silentsiren47, spadada, and wickedripeplum. Also, without an editor, we don’t get much constructive criticism on our articles, so any feedback from our readers is greatly appreciated!