Volume 1: Issue 5
Madison's Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair Chad Michael Murray is engaged
This is a sad week for girls, as Chad Michael Murray recently announced his engagement to Kenzie Dalton, an 18 year old crew member on his show. I am personally outraged by this! The girl obviously has no decency, and Chad should be able to see right through her. She is clearly using him for his money! This is exactly like the time a certain white trash girl at our very own school not only nabbed the son of a very famous, attractive movie star, but also the son of a computer genius billionaire. Some girls will just do anything for attention. The worst part of this is that everyone is too busy complaining about her age to call out her far more disgusting gold-digging habits. Who cares if she is 18? It's legal! I hope Chad realizes what he is doing before it's too late.
Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show
She is expected to fill the anchor chair at CBS Evening News, in a deal the that will also get her face time on 60 Minutes, as well as her own documentary crew, and fetch her a cool $15 million a year. "Sometimes change is a good thing," Couric told viewers. "Although it may be terrifying to get out of your comfort zone, it's very exciting to start a new chapter in your life." Well Katie, from one pep squad member to another former pep squad member, I say Congratulations and good luck! You'll be great! Just remember to smile pretty!
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are getting married
Before the wedding though, Kate is giving him a $20,000 trip to the dentist. His teeth are really gross you guys. I saw him at Club Thin last summer, and it was horrible. But more power to him for getting a supermodel to fall in love with him despite his hygiene troubles. After the wedding, I'm sure they'll be swapping spit through other ways than trips to the dentist.
That's all for today, gossip fans! Be sure to tune in for the next installment. If you want to read about what has been going on here in Neptune, check out Carrie Bishop's column.
The Art of the Bump and Bait
By Veronica Mars
Bump and Bait - The act of leaving an unidentified object (e.g.: a cell phone, a listening device, a kick me sign, if that's what you're into) in someone's bag or on their person, by manuevering your body abruptly against theirs (the bump), and placing said object (the bait) on said bag or clothing.
Okay, people, while a bump and bait is incredibly simple in concept, it can be unbelievably tricky in execution. I see the entire scenario as being something of an art or dance. Think of the pickpockets in Oliver Twist. A pickpocket hovers around, but is not intrusive. The mark never really even notices him until he's lurching in. When he finally does go in for the 'kill', he initializes contact with a completely different part of the body than where the prize is. Say it's a pocket watch. The best way to lift a pocket watch is to jar someone on the opposite side and then slip around behind their back and let your sticky fingers do the rest. Their attention is still on the point of original contact... If you're a pickpocket. Which I'm not.
Look innocent. If you look nervous, or sneaky, people are going to be suspicious. You don't want that. You want them paying as little attention to you as possible. Being a social pariah can be helpful in this situation…
Distractions are key. If you have an accomplice, you're in business. Then your job is to confuse your mark with rapid movements or use your feminine wiles (or your big strong manly wiles) to make sure their attention stays on you and off your accomplice with the bait.
Here is an example of a successful bump and bait:
A girl at school informed me that her slimeball boyfriend was trying to blackmail her into staying with him by threatening to release a sexually explicit video he had of her on his phone. I agreed to help her, for obvious reasons. This guy had to go down. I saw the perfect oppurtunity to initiate a phone switch in the hall and urged Wallace (my very best friend) into helping me with a bump and bait.
As you can see, he readily agreed.
I was the distraction. Walking backwards, I pretended to be engrossed in recounting a juicy bit of gossip to Wallace. So engrossed that I didn't look where I was going and "accidentally" bumped into jerkwad boyfriend.
While he was busy telling me where to shove it, Wallace dropped an untraceable phone in his backpack.
Voila! Mission accomplished.
Finally, and this is important, a list of don'ts:
Don’t - panic. Even if the person you are attempting to bump-and-bait is onto you. You can usually talk your way out of these things, and if you can't… well, panicking won't help you at this point, anyway.
Don’t - bug someone unless it's for a case. With great power comes great blah-di-blah-di-blah. But seriously, folks, don't use your skills for your own personal advantage or enjoyment. The results are rarely enjoyable.
Don’t - believe everything you hear. Statements can easily be misinterpreted or heard out of context. Some follow-up investigation is always a good idea. Trust me, this one comes from painful experience.
Don’t - follow a lead blindly into what could be a dangerous situation. I'm really not the best person in the world to stress this point, but remember the old adage: Do as I say, not as I do.
And remember, people, if you are working on behalf of someone else-cash is key. Snoops don't take credit.
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
I have been dating this guy for several months, and I really like him. I thought he really liked me, too, but now I don't know. I can't get him to do anything more than kiss me and hold my hand, and I'm not really experienced with this sort of thing. I talked to one of my friends, and she said my boyfriend is probably just nervous about not being experienced, either.
When I mentioned this in conversation with my boyfriend, and tried to work out our issues, he broke up with me! I really want him back, but I don't know what to say, or how to tell him I really care. He's so mad at me, he won't even look at me. What do I do?
-- Brokenhearted Geek
Dear Brokenhearted,
All guys know that girls talk about them with their friends. That is the Horror of Dating. But, no guy wants you to tell him you've been dishing with the girls about how he's a crap lover. How do you think that makes him feel? Like he's not a man. Technically, he probably isn't, and there's the crux of your problem, but still -- every guy wants to feel like his girl can't live without him.
Give your boyfriend time to cool down, and if he really likes you, he'll realize he's made a mistake in breaking up with you. If he doesn't realize his mistake, then you're better off without him. Guys are all dogs; you just need to pick the one you're pretty sure you can tolerate.
In the meantime, since the breakup was your fault, make it easy for him to get you back. Act as miserable as possible. If you like him as much as you say, this shouldn't be hard. When your boyfriend sees how sorry you really are, he'll feel a lot better about himself, and that should solve both your problems.
Unless he's gay, but that's a whole different letter.
-- Logan
Dear Logan,
Here is the eternal question: why do girls always fall for bad boys, and nice guys finish last?
-- I'll Never Finish First
Dear Never,
Girls fall for bad boys because they watch too many movies. Fictional bad boys are bad because they're unhappy, and they're waiting for a woman to come along and understand their pain. Real life doesn't have Hollywood endings. Bad boys have learned an important lesson, namely that life is what you make it, and if you step on the nice guys and the nice girls alike, you'll get what you want.
Nice guys have two options. Number One, become bad boys. As is abundantly demonstrated by society, this is girly catnip. Number Two, wait. The expression "nice guys finish last" doesn't mean that nice guys never finish. It means that girls get sick and tired of getting used up by the bad boys. Stupid girls sit around and suck down Merlot with their friends and cry about bad boys, and keep dating them. Smart girls wise up, and turn into women who like nice guys.
It all depends on which type of girl you want.
-- Logan
Dear Logan,
I have a huge problem with my hair. When it's damp, it looks all fantastic, but as soon as it dries, it gets all frizzy and spazzy. I have tried every kind of product out there, but nothing helps. Now I wear it up in a bun all the time, because I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what to do. Please help!
-- Fuzzy & Frustrated
Dear Fuzzy,
First off, this column is for people with actual problems. Secondly, nothing turns a guy off faster than a girl who won't let her hair down. Literally. I don't care what Teen Vogue says: spazzy bed-head is HOT! Call me.
-- Logan
Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.
Weevil's World of Wheels
by Eli Navarro
Okay, kiddies, I'm Eli "Weevil" Navarro and, as always, I've got the 411 on wheels. Today I'm talking about one car in particular, my ride, the Chevy Impala. Now, as everybody knows, I used to roll two rather than four, but there are times when you need to stretch out, if you know what I mean. Unless you have serious money, a couple of hundred gs to burn, an American muscle car is the ultimate ride, and the Impala is the king of muscle mobiles. It's got a backseat big enough for you and your chica, and plenty of ponies under the hood, in case you gotta bounce rapido.
The Chevy Impala is often confused with the Chevy Caprice, a/k/a the Caprice Classic, but the Impala was born in the late 1950s; the Caprice was conceived in 1965 as a modified model of the Impala. The Impala and its baby brother are often considered the first muscle cars ever made. From 1960 to 1970, they were the best selling cars in America, and, in 1965, set an all-time industry sales record when more than one million rolled off the showroom floor.
The ultimate Impala is the SS (it stands for Super Sport). In 1969 the SS tag meant a V-8 big block engine with 425 horses under the hood. Driving one of these bad boys is just about the most fun you can have in the front seat. Fully loaded, the Impala can kick it with a Caddy any day and you know it's got giddy-up because, in the 70s and 80s, it was the ride of choice for 5-0 throughout the U.S. The ‘75 Impala, at 19 ½ feet, is bigger than many of today's full-size pickup trucks and piece-of-crap SUVs and boasted 454 horses and weighed about two-and-a-half tons. Guess that's why it's got all that vroom. The SS package was discontinued in 1969, but Chevrolet brought it back in 1994.
Today's Impala is still a fast machine; it comes with either a 3.5L or 3.9L V-6, or, if you really want to spend, the SS has a small block V-8 that generates 303 hp. It'll get you 18 miles in the city and 28 on the PCH, but you'll have to feed it high-test. At about 16.7 feet long, the 2006 Impala is smaller than its predecessors, but it's still bigger than most American-made vehicles in its class.
Back in the day, the Impala began life as a two-door, but once the public caught on, the powers that be made a four-door version, a convertible, and, for the family man, a wagon. They don't make the convertible any more, but if you want to go old skool, and can find one that's mint, it's the grail of Impalas. If you're a playa and, like me, live in a sunny climate like SoCal, what you really want is a sweet 1974 ragtop, tricked out with rims and a hot paint job. It's da bomb, and when you're rolling, the chicks will come running.
I'm currently rockin' an old skool, lime-green hard top. That's me and my ride in the photo. It didn't cost a lot of cabbage, gets me to class on time, and my niece, Ophelia, and my abuela like it cuz it keeps their 'dos in place and is big enough to bring home the groceries. I'm still looking for a woman to help me map the interior, so ladies, if anyone's interested, I might be available. Just call Veronica Mars and ask her to hook you up. She'll know how to find me - she always does.
Gia's guide to fitting in and making friends
by Gia Goodman
Gia’s guide to fitting in and making friends
I recently had to transfer from my old school, Country Day, and start going to Neptune High.
It’s like totally different here and I had some trouble making friends, but now it’s like totally cool and I thought I should pass on some wisdom.
Dress to impress
A great way to fit in is to dress like everyone else - except not exactly like everyone else because then you would just be copying their outfit and such unoriginality is a big fashion no-no. Like remember when Brenda and Kelly wore the same prom dress? You want to avoid awkward moments like that at all costs.
But buying from the same designers is cool.
I didn't know about the Fashion Police column in the Navigator, so I had to be sneaky about finding out how everyone else dresses at Neptune High. My Dad organized for me to go on a field trip with them but I didn’t tell them who I was! Very stealth of me I know. I should totally help Veronica out with her cases!
Be honest
Honesty is so important in a relationship. You have to talk with people if you want to form deep and lasting relationships.
Look at Seth and Summer on The O.C. He lied and lied about the comic book and she found out and then they broke up. If he’d been honest with her, that would not have happened. Learn from The O.C. people - it is a source of great knowledge.
I am all about honesty. I’m honest with everyone I meet and I hope they are with me. Like, if I make a fashion faux pas, tell me! Don’t make me suffer a day’s worth of humiliation because I accidentally wore Prada flats from last season.
Remember, all criticism can be constructive! You just have to take it the right way!
You never know where you’ll find a friend!
You can find a friend anywhere and in any person. Many people give bad first impressions so I always make sure to go back and get like eight impressions!
Often those prickly types make the coolest friends. Like there is this one guy at school, who shall remain nameless, and he totally uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism to push people way.
I make sure to say “Hi! How’s it going?” whenever I see him but he’s so scared of being hurt that he often just runs away as soon as he sees me and then hides, really, really well! But he’s like totally cool, so I’m just going to keep on trying!
So there you go! Hopefully with this advice you’ll be able to fit in and make lots of friends wherever life takes you!
Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to
babsonite,
beppergirl,
bennet_7,
brimtoast,
dark_roast,
kaosmalek,
rindee,
raelee,
spadada,
spectralbovine, and
wickedripeplum.