(no subject)
okay. This is probably going to be lame because I'm tired and my blood sugar is high and I feel all groggy and sick and I forced myself here this morning.
Sometimes do you feel like the seriousness with which you are dealing with yourself is such a joke?
It probably has something to do with the fact that I had to ask my parents for money to cover some huge medical expense last night because I got caught off guard at the pharmacy when they said my coverage had run out. Now, there's no real way I could have forseen this. The coverage looked permanent, at least until the new pharmacare year starts at the end of the month. But there they were grimacing at me, mad, being condescending with their questions.....I mean, no one is more fucking sorry than I am that I'm diabetic, and that for whatever combination of reasons, right now, I am a brittle diabetic. No one. But, they react like...it's something I've done and that I am the biggest fucking failure of a human being that I have to be standing in front of them at 11 pm asking them for a hundred bucks so that I can continue taking care of myself. I mean....I'm so fucking sorry. God. Is this the way it should be? To have to grovel for your parents help when it is something entirely out of your hands? Because so I want to say thank you after all that? Thank you for humiliating me. THank you for making me feel like I would be better off dead because I'm costing you a hundred dollars right now. Thank you for making me feel like I am not worth a hundred fucking dollars. I mean....what the hell? If K walked in and said - I need a hundred dollars to dye my hair they'd be like - will it make you happy? Here honey....
and that's nothing against K. It's just the way it is.
out of range. yup. I need to be out of range. Would it be better to be sick and without their back up, somewhere else in the world or is it better to be here, sick, with their back up? Some days it changes. Today I think I'd rather be having a panic attack alone in an apartment half way across the country.
Renewed dedication to getting my portfolio together and applying for schools and getting a scholarship and getting my ass away from here.
and to eating less. even if it's a lame way to control my bloodsugar, it's all I've got right now. and doing sit-ups so I can repair some of the damage done to my body from the back injury and inactivity and systematic bloating from not being able to process my food properly. It all has to do with how I feel.....and I don't want to feel so dilapidated anymore. I want to feel strong enough to grip the fucking doorknob and open it without having to stand there with my head against the door hoping the lock gives. I want to be able to carry all my own bags without ending up dizzy so I can walk the fuck away from their house on the day some money comes through and not come back. for a long time. I want to go find some family that I belong to, the can belong to me.....that doesn't function alot of the time on a basis of humiliation and fear.
man. yup. I'm going to paint my way out of here.
Sometimes do you feel like the seriousness with which you are dealing with yourself is such a joke?
It probably has something to do with the fact that I had to ask my parents for money to cover some huge medical expense last night because I got caught off guard at the pharmacy when they said my coverage had run out. Now, there's no real way I could have forseen this. The coverage looked permanent, at least until the new pharmacare year starts at the end of the month. But there they were grimacing at me, mad, being condescending with their questions.....I mean, no one is more fucking sorry than I am that I'm diabetic, and that for whatever combination of reasons, right now, I am a brittle diabetic. No one. But, they react like...it's something I've done and that I am the biggest fucking failure of a human being that I have to be standing in front of them at 11 pm asking them for a hundred bucks so that I can continue taking care of myself. I mean....I'm so fucking sorry. God. Is this the way it should be? To have to grovel for your parents help when it is something entirely out of your hands? Because so I want to say thank you after all that? Thank you for humiliating me. THank you for making me feel like I would be better off dead because I'm costing you a hundred dollars right now. Thank you for making me feel like I am not worth a hundred fucking dollars. I mean....what the hell? If K walked in and said - I need a hundred dollars to dye my hair they'd be like - will it make you happy? Here honey....
and that's nothing against K. It's just the way it is.
out of range. yup. I need to be out of range. Would it be better to be sick and without their back up, somewhere else in the world or is it better to be here, sick, with their back up? Some days it changes. Today I think I'd rather be having a panic attack alone in an apartment half way across the country.
Renewed dedication to getting my portfolio together and applying for schools and getting a scholarship and getting my ass away from here.
and to eating less. even if it's a lame way to control my bloodsugar, it's all I've got right now. and doing sit-ups so I can repair some of the damage done to my body from the back injury and inactivity and systematic bloating from not being able to process my food properly. It all has to do with how I feel.....and I don't want to feel so dilapidated anymore. I want to feel strong enough to grip the fucking doorknob and open it without having to stand there with my head against the door hoping the lock gives. I want to be able to carry all my own bags without ending up dizzy so I can walk the fuck away from their house on the day some money comes through and not come back. for a long time. I want to go find some family that I belong to, the can belong to me.....that doesn't function alot of the time on a basis of humiliation and fear.
man. yup. I'm going to paint my way out of here.