(no subject)
Much has happened since my last post and I realize how incredibly stupid and full of anger it was. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I hurt so bad because of it. People think just because I dumped her i'm fine and stuff but it's not like that whatsoever. Her mom sent me an email that was very sincere and I realize i mistook shellys family for people they really weren't. That is my issue, making stuff up in my head to be something it isn't and I realize now that I've been doing it my whole life and it just happened to be when I was with shelly that it peaked. I wasn't mad and angry all the time because I didn't like doing things with her family. I realize now that it was because of what I thought would happen if I let them know what I really thought about it, be it positive or negative. I was untruthful, I didn't let them know how much fun I had doing so much stuff with them or how much I really really really I wanted to go to mexico with them on their trip down there and to disneyland too. I didn't want to make them feel bad that I couldn't go but then when I would not want to do something with them because I wanted to do something else I just kept my mouth shut the entire time because I didn't want them to hate me. When they would ask my opinion about stuff I kept my answers to myself because I figured I should let them do what makes them happy and not imput what would make me happy because I ASSUMED that they wouldn't agree with it. How immature am I? I wanted to be an Atwood so bad but I realize that I can never actually be one, it's not who I am. Lisa told me in the email that "it's okay, hardly anyone can be one." I look at kevin and I realize just how true that actually is. Nothing against kevin it's just that he was laughed at by that family so much but in the end because he participated in conversations and showed his opinions he was even closer to being an Atwood than I was. My approach was wrong it went against both my beliefs and my morals about honesty and doing what makes you happy in life. I have a hard time hurting other people and I realize that 95% of the stuff I was angry about was because I thought they would be mad when in truth they really wouldn't have cared.
My last post made me realize how frusterated I was with myself that I became someone I'm not meant to be. Someone who I never want to be again. It's the person who tells the truth and moves on and doesn't let the little things build up that I want to be and I know that is what I need to be happy in situations. It's too bad I couldn't have come to this conclusion last month. I still very much want to be a part of shelly's life and that is why we are meeting for coffe on wednesday. I want to be more than just her friend but I know that it is probably not going to happen because what I did was such a horrible horrible thing. I beat myself up over what I didn't know every single day and I beat myself up over how I could've changed this or I could've changed that. I need to start living in the now, live life day to day, and see where things go. I so bad just want to explain to Shelly's family what happened with my head, why I am who I am, and moreso WHO I actually am. But I realize that it's too late for another chance.
My friends would ridicule me for wanting her back because they saw how much pain I was in before, but now that I know the cause of it I know that it would be better than it was before. Nevertheless I need to stop beating myself up about it and start living day to day and deal with the pain I caused myself from my mistake. I'm just glad that i'm getting these things cleared up now rather than 30 years down the road which is when gramps says it happens to most people. Otherwise my life would be filled with that much more unknown pain and sorrow.
My last post made me realize how frusterated I was with myself that I became someone I'm not meant to be. Someone who I never want to be again. It's the person who tells the truth and moves on and doesn't let the little things build up that I want to be and I know that is what I need to be happy in situations. It's too bad I couldn't have come to this conclusion last month. I still very much want to be a part of shelly's life and that is why we are meeting for coffe on wednesday. I want to be more than just her friend but I know that it is probably not going to happen because what I did was such a horrible horrible thing. I beat myself up over what I didn't know every single day and I beat myself up over how I could've changed this or I could've changed that. I need to start living in the now, live life day to day, and see where things go. I so bad just want to explain to Shelly's family what happened with my head, why I am who I am, and moreso WHO I actually am. But I realize that it's too late for another chance.
My friends would ridicule me for wanting her back because they saw how much pain I was in before, but now that I know the cause of it I know that it would be better than it was before. Nevertheless I need to stop beating myself up about it and start living day to day and deal with the pain I caused myself from my mistake. I'm just glad that i'm getting these things cleared up now rather than 30 years down the road which is when gramps says it happens to most people. Otherwise my life would be filled with that much more unknown pain and sorrow.