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I'm sposed to be doing my midterm for astronomy right now but I really dont feel like it. I'm taking the SATs tomorrow which is cool I guess It'll be interesting to see how I do. I'm starting to get my head clear and figure out what's going on in my life. Saw gramps (my psychotherapist) today and he says it helps if I know what my values are and that will lead me to what I want in life. It's funny cuz when you map it out you realize why you love some things but absolutely hate other things or why it's really difficult for you to do something. I am still working on getting over shelly, we were going to meet over coffee but I dunno what happened to that she decided not to because she got angry at me because she didnt know why I dumped her. Kinda sad I didn't blog for a while because I thought lisa was going to read it but now I really dont care. I guess I just felt insecure around them which is why I only opened up to shelly. I realize love is not enough to make a relationship work and since then the dreams about shelly have stopped. It's so painful to allow myself to feel for once in my life but I know it's good for me because it helps me understand what I want it helps me to understand who I actually am. I shut my emotions off for so many years to make other people happy instead of myself and almost all of my dreams in the past 11 years have referenced my need to listen to my emotions or allow myself to feel. What's sad is that I truly honor and respect shelly and even with what lisa did I still greatly respect her family for what they've established in life. Unfortunately it's evident that she does not respect me the same way or even at all. I looked at her myspace today and there's a pic of me mick gabby and shelly at the greenday concert but my head is cut out and a cartoon drawing of someone else is put in it's place. I know I hurt her but that's just plain fucked up, she gave back all the shit I gave her, and now mocks me on the internet while I still have her picture standing up in my room. It hurts so much to face reality and open my eyes to this shit. Fuck me! no wonder why I was unhappy. Lol even that shit (the picture) is evidence of why I dont want to be with someone who does crap like that but even still I have feelings for her. I can't stand dealing with immaturity like that. I try to blow it off and pretend it doesn't exist which is why i deleted the last comment I made and when I got that "anonymous" comment, but it still hurts. Maybe my next GF should be like 30 or something. Lol maybe that's the reason for the ongoing joke about women and strollers between tony and I. I just need someone who parallels with my values and who understands where I'm coming from. Of course I dont want a girlfriend just yet I need to figure out where my life is going so I can be like "hey, I'm doing this shit with my life, take it or leave it." That way they dont have to waste time. Everyone says "oh there's so many other women out there." that may be true, but one outta a million I can identify with and that can actually understand where i'm coming from, understand why i cried at the greenday concert. Yea that's right I fucking cried at the greenday concert who gives a fucking shit it's who I am take it or leave it bitches! Who the fuck can understand that one? People look at that and think that's really gay or something like that but that's their prejudice. That's why I dont let people know who I am, that's why I hide shit and keep it inside for so long because I have shit like that that's just fucking embarassing because it's not accepted by societies standards as to what's okay. You dont know the reason why I cried so why make a prejudice? You dont fucking know shit about what i've seen in my head and you dont know shit about what I see when I close my eyes at night. No one fucking knows what I feel when I walk through the grocery store or whose emotions I feel then. I'm fucked up, I got problems but I dont fucking care. I keep my cool and play it out like I'm a normal fucking person even though I know each person who reads this has their fucking dark secret that they can't share with anyone and it's just a matter of facing reality which is what i'm trying to do right now. Is it better to live a lie and be happy or know the truth and see the pain and suffering and happiness as one big picture. I've been tortured since I was little that I couldn't identify with anyone maturity wise and now that I see shelly do that to me it makes me feel more alone than i've ever been before. She doesn't know my fucking pain because when I tried to explain it to her she didn't get it and I never felt like she was mature enough to understand and now with this bullshit that I see online it's more evident than ever before. Same goes for her mom, what kind of mature person does this crap? What the fuck. and why the fuck do I still have her picture up? I just wish I could be fixed. Been 8 months i've been seing gramps and it's just now starting to go somewhere, how much longer until I stop hurting? How much longer till it's over? I planned on giving that shit back to shelly at a later date but fuck now I see she doesn't respect me at all so it's not even worth it. I want to throw it all away so bad and pretend it was gone but I still remember all the good times we had together that I still smile about because I know it was a good thing but like I said love is not enough to make a relationship work and that's the reality that I have to face and the reality that has been here infront of my fucking face the whole time. How much reality do i even fucking face, how do I know that it's even real? If I dont even face my reality and I haven't faced the reality of my emotions for hte past 11 years how do I know any of the shit in my life is real. I'm glad i'm figuring it out now cause otherwise I might have lost my grip on reality even worse than I already have.