honesty...for a change of scene

[neonpinkcross]

huh...deciding on a username for livejournal should not be this difficult. i just want one i won't get sick of. i always get really sick of my usernames really quick. i want something with "puck" or "sprite" not sure why...i just like that play. i think i'm reading to deeply into myself. like i've written before, i'm tired of being so fake and whearing so many masks. on this new lj i've decided i will be completely honest and true to myself and if people dont like who i am thats fine cuz i'd rather them not be my friend if they are just my friend because they think i'm someone that i'm not. and hey, it's ok if not everyone accepts me...no it's not. i know it should be. i know i shouldn't care so much about what people think, but i do. i try not to, but this is just the way i am. i dont like conflict, i dont like being on peoples bad sides, and i dont like not being liked. i know this is stupid...i know not everyone's gonna like me, but for some reason i still want them to. i feel like i'm constantly bending over backwards for people who will never like me. it's not like i resent them for it. it's not their fault they don't like me. it doesnt make them a bad person, some people just dont get along. but i just want them to like me or at the very least be neutral. it kills me when ppl dont like me, especially if i have no idea why. i know i shouldnt care but i do, that doesnt make me a bad person either...some ppl just get obsessed with stuff that doesnt matter. some are obsessed with physical perfection, some are obsessed with drug abuse, i'm obsessed with the way everyone feels about me. wow, i think this is the first genuine entry i've written in a long time. how did i even get on this rant? oh yeah, the thing i'm reading to deeply into...i think the reason i'm putting off the creation of my new livejournal is because i've decided to be completely honest in that. that is a good thing and a huge step forward for me, but...i'm still really afraid about what people will think when they see the real me. i dont even know if i can be the real me, i cant remember the last time i left my room without first putting one of my 700 masks on. i don't think i really know the real me anymore. they say all teenagers feel this way sometimes. i dunno, everyone seems to know exactly who they are. even if they are not proud of it...at least they know. i'm not saying i'm the only one who has ever felt this way, i know i'm not. i just really admire those of you who are strong enough to know who you are and secure enough to be true to yourself no matter whose watching. thats a rare quality to posses, and a beautiful one at that.
<3nikki/lindsay/whoever YOU think i am