(no subject)
hmmm...disciple now was ok. not as good as usual but hey. i had to deal with mariah the whole weekend. i really hate it when ppl play games with their boyfriend's mind just for attention. this girl doesnt eat a thing around robert and tries to convince him she's anorexic, then the minute he's gone she stuffs her face. robert was annoying too. it's ok though, brandon saved the day by throwing marshmellows at them. he also got me to throw a pancake at my mom then he danced with her in the middle of the sanctuary. good times.
i didnt eat much this weekend at all. and when i did eat it wasnt considered eating bcuz i'd just pick microscopic pieces off a slice of cucumber and nible them. the entire weekend i didnt consume an entire cucumber slice (which is about the size of those pickle chips u can put on sandwiches). no i dont have an eating disorder, i'm just really stressed and if i ate anything i'd puke and that wouldnt be good considering i'm trying to convince tomara that i'm well. the only reason i "ate" at all was to get brandon and robert off my back. anyway, there is a point to this. Meredith came in saturday night and asked me if i wanted any food (she was closest to me when i had an eating disorder, it hit her the hardest) when i said no, she asked me y i was so quiet all weekend. i told her i didnt know and then she asked me if i was making myself not eat. i told her she new me better than that. then she said this and it actually got to me.
"Lindsay, I know how eating disorders can continue to haunt you...so I just want you to understand that i'm gonna haunt it right back."
i started crying. i dunno. usually when friends who knew me back then get worried i get so mad, i yell at them "GET OFF MY BACK, IT WAS ALONG TIME AGO!" or "HAVEN'T YOU FORGIVEN ME YET?!" or "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO EARN YOUR TRUST BACK?!!!" it makes me so mad, i've gotten over it so y cant they? but this time i wasnt angry...for some reason this time i understood the reason meredith is always on my back is because she LOVEs me. she wasnt angry, she wasnt force feeding me, she wasnt yelling at me, she wasnt even begging me to eat... she was simply reassuring me that she understands its a battle i have to deal with everyday. she was letting me know that she was on my side. instead of fighting with me about it...Mereidith was fighting for me. I told her I LOVEd her and she gave me a hug. this was slightly more effective then trying to force feed me coke then calling me an anorexic b****.
i didnt see tomara as much as i'd hoped, and i saw robert a lot more than i had wished. Brandon did something that made me really proud of him, that kid never ceases to amaze me. he got to meet kelly and she absolutely adored him.
the whole weekend felt like it was all bout eating disorders, even friday at school. kayla said something to my friend (who will, in this entry be called bobina to protect and respect her privacy...we dont care about kayla's privacy) anywho kayla kept talking about politics during ppl's presentations and when bobina asked her to stop kayla told her to go shove her finger down her throat like she used to because thats the only thing shes good at. i dont care who u r, or what someone did. YOU DONT SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER!!!!! i was furious when i found out. what kind of sedistic freak could do that to someone! i cant even express how mad i am on here. so i went through forth period not saying a word but as soon as i walked into fifth period i just went off on kayla. i was so mad. we argued for the entire class period. she kept saying that had bobina shut up she wouldnt have been pressed to say it (she was hinting at "if u dont get off my back about what i said to her, i'll say something to hurt u too") to tell you the truth that scared the bejesus out of me! cuz i know kayla is perfectly capable of hurting me and after what she said to bobina, she obviously has no conscience. yes, i was so scared of her i was shaking, but that didnt stop me. bobina is my friend and she actually understands me better than almost anyone i know. i LOVE her and no one is going to get away with saying that to her. say whatever you want about me, i'll stand there and take it and not say a word back...but u dont say that stuff to my friends.
this entry is forever long, if u actually took the time out of your day to read this entire thing, i thank u. the stuff in here really means a lot to me and i really apreciate that u would care about me enough to spend all this time reading it. I LOVE you all...especially Bobina
i didnt eat much this weekend at all. and when i did eat it wasnt considered eating bcuz i'd just pick microscopic pieces off a slice of cucumber and nible them. the entire weekend i didnt consume an entire cucumber slice (which is about the size of those pickle chips u can put on sandwiches). no i dont have an eating disorder, i'm just really stressed and if i ate anything i'd puke and that wouldnt be good considering i'm trying to convince tomara that i'm well. the only reason i "ate" at all was to get brandon and robert off my back. anyway, there is a point to this. Meredith came in saturday night and asked me if i wanted any food (she was closest to me when i had an eating disorder, it hit her the hardest) when i said no, she asked me y i was so quiet all weekend. i told her i didnt know and then she asked me if i was making myself not eat. i told her she new me better than that. then she said this and it actually got to me.
"Lindsay, I know how eating disorders can continue to haunt you...so I just want you to understand that i'm gonna haunt it right back."
i started crying. i dunno. usually when friends who knew me back then get worried i get so mad, i yell at them "GET OFF MY BACK, IT WAS ALONG TIME AGO!" or "HAVEN'T YOU FORGIVEN ME YET?!" or "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO EARN YOUR TRUST BACK?!!!" it makes me so mad, i've gotten over it so y cant they? but this time i wasnt angry...for some reason this time i understood the reason meredith is always on my back is because she LOVEs me. she wasnt angry, she wasnt force feeding me, she wasnt yelling at me, she wasnt even begging me to eat... she was simply reassuring me that she understands its a battle i have to deal with everyday. she was letting me know that she was on my side. instead of fighting with me about it...Mereidith was fighting for me. I told her I LOVEd her and she gave me a hug. this was slightly more effective then trying to force feed me coke then calling me an anorexic b****.
i didnt see tomara as much as i'd hoped, and i saw robert a lot more than i had wished. Brandon did something that made me really proud of him, that kid never ceases to amaze me. he got to meet kelly and she absolutely adored him.
the whole weekend felt like it was all bout eating disorders, even friday at school. kayla said something to my friend (who will, in this entry be called bobina to protect and respect her privacy...we dont care about kayla's privacy) anywho kayla kept talking about politics during ppl's presentations and when bobina asked her to stop kayla told her to go shove her finger down her throat like she used to because thats the only thing shes good at. i dont care who u r, or what someone did. YOU DONT SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER!!!!! i was furious when i found out. what kind of sedistic freak could do that to someone! i cant even express how mad i am on here. so i went through forth period not saying a word but as soon as i walked into fifth period i just went off on kayla. i was so mad. we argued for the entire class period. she kept saying that had bobina shut up she wouldnt have been pressed to say it (she was hinting at "if u dont get off my back about what i said to her, i'll say something to hurt u too") to tell you the truth that scared the bejesus out of me! cuz i know kayla is perfectly capable of hurting me and after what she said to bobina, she obviously has no conscience. yes, i was so scared of her i was shaking, but that didnt stop me. bobina is my friend and she actually understands me better than almost anyone i know. i LOVE her and no one is going to get away with saying that to her. say whatever you want about me, i'll stand there and take it and not say a word back...but u dont say that stuff to my friends.
this entry is forever long, if u actually took the time out of your day to read this entire thing, i thank u. the stuff in here really means a lot to me and i really apreciate that u would care about me enough to spend all this time reading it. I LOVE you all...especially Bobina