Preliminary Year End Review

Dec 03, 2020 19:53

Hello, LJ.

It's finally December, the last month of the year- of the shitty year? And it's been quite a year indeed. Before we wrap things up and head on to the new year, let's do a preliminary reflection of sorts to contemplate and all of the events that happened.

As was previously mentioned again and again on my previous posts, I really need to start saving up big time. While I do have a half-hearted plan on investing money on mutual funds, stocks, and whatnot I haven't got the courage to actually go and at least learn more or get a better understanding on how these investments work. I want to get my money flowing more fluidly in order to have a better peace of mind and enjoy greater things. Or at least that's the idea. The financial independence that those marketing people say, it has that nice ring to it. In my case, I just want to buy things like a car, or a new system without the fear of going in the red. That being said, I should be hitting the books or sites and meeting advisors to learn more, but I can't find myself to go out of my way to do it. I ended up being lazy and go on impulse spending and have an illusion of saving. Jotting this down, I do hope I get that wake up call.

Speaking of wake up calls, I haven't been entirely honest with myself. While I project myself as someone who is trying to be okay but actually isn't, I feel that there are more sides hidden in the shadows. Deep down, I'm drowning in loneliness. I do try and pose as much positivity I can gather but after a while, is still manage to seep through the darkness and wallow in isolation and despair. I'm lonely, am I? Maybe so. What I really need is the warmest of hugs from friends I hold dear, and the longest of cuddles from people who has a portion of my heart. Then again, I'm also angry. Hatred and vengeance tries to sneak in at times and it consumes all of me. I mean, there's a lot of things to be angry about. The whole year is one big reason to be angry about- from forest fires to volcanoes erupting, to leaders who are so full of themselves, to freaking COVID and all the restrictions it placed, to all other mishaps and disasters that occurred. Loneliness and fear can only go so far, but add frustrations and anger, and you got an emotional train wreck incoming.

I don't get people. At a glance, they all look innocent and pure just going on with their daily lives trying to make a living, then the moment you look away they become menacing and plotting heinous crimes to humanity. I don't want to get too political, but with these leaders and higher ups, I kinda want to rot in hell. I mean, I didn't trust them from the get go already but I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. Lo and behold they're proving how much a pain on the butt they are. And it all transcends to the common folk and I am no exception. For the first few weeks of quarantine, I was out there, while mostly oversupplying I was just simply out there for the heck of it. Going on grocery runs were fine, but just being out was plain stupid. I didn't know what got into me. And the same goes for others. While you can clearly see the majority were also out to make a living and fend for themselves, there were others like me who just want to be out in the open. The worse part was that a couple of them don't follow safety procedures. The simple act of social distancing and wearing masks in public or merely outside weren't observed to the T. Then comes the people within my circle. While I don't generally care for those who are at the outer circle, I can't help feel envious whenever I get word that they went out to see each other or even go places. When those within my inner circle do the same thing, while the envy is there, there's this simple joy I find seeing them reconnected and braving the new normal. I can't entirely hate all of them, as we are only humans and we definitely need to be social and basic needs, I just wish everyone do keep in mind the pandemic. Those undermining the situation makes me question the point in all of this.

After a couple of grocery runs, I grew tired of going out and resigned to my own cave of inner-self. From there, the feeling of loneliness echoed in slowly and fiercely. I mean, I can be out alone on my and at while feeling lonely, I could be at peace and contemplate positively about life. I guess it was due to the fact that I can roam around and see around the sights. While the bustling sounds of the city pass through, I can feel myself grounded that the world clearly moves on forward giving me that sort of push to feel a bit motivated. Being stuck at home however, you don't get to experience the feeling of the world moving forward, if not for the better. Everything felt stale and gave off negative emotions. Just as I miss people, being with them and interacting with them, I also grew distant. Not just to the people within the house but also outside, and more so myself. It was like, I didn't know who I was and was just slowly drifting aimlessly on river to nowhere.

But I do miss a lot of people, special ones that I hold dear. The lockdowns and work from home transition happened in a flash that I wasn't able to get a goodbye glimpse. And I miss her.

rawr, hmm, rant, kusu

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