Unsorted List
A lot of things have been on my mind as of late - Should I stay here or move NOW?, How to get my Animal Crossing DS game back from my brother without conflict, ect., but the most perplexing thing to me at this moment is the question of why I'm here. Not "Why am I here?" in an existential sense; it's just the question I feel I need to ask myself after discovering a few weeks ago that I actually got readmitted back into UK long ago in 2007, but still ended up here. Not to say that things haven't been interesting in New Albany; I've made a few good friends and all but, even searching my LJ archives, I still haven't figured out why I'm here.
In the midst of that search, I found another puzzle: Apparently I have rearranged things/ memories in my life to the point that I can't account for about 6 months of activity in 2005. My livejournal should provide the answers, but it's thrown my entire past into disaray. couple this with my unknown reasoning for not going back to the school of my choice and you have one seriously confused guy. I'm actually quite disturbed by the whole scenario, and I've found myself reading through almost 4 years of backstory about my life just so I can get a semi-correct grasp of who the fuck I am. So far it's been an entertaining read.
The only quibble I have with my LJ is that, through no fault of anyone other than myself, every year starts out roughly the same. I'm serious. I'm always doing the exact same thing, pursuing the same goals and failing in the same ways. Every year is so similar, in fact, that I've even bought the same things at the same time. (i.e "Zombie Attack") At one point I even became slightly depressed by it all, feeling like a hapless loser traversing the same revolving year not really accomplishing everything, but then I realized something about it all that made me feel better: I was happy doing all of it.
This can't be the first time I've come to this epiphany; figuring out that I'm that guy that everyone in High School pointed out and said, "Yeah, he won't amount to much,". it just never seemed to matter before. It doesn't even really matter now. I'm gearing right back up to attempt the same things, possibly the same exact way. I have to win at some point, right? I mean, I've already scored majorly in the relationship department, so that's something.
...
And now comes the awkward transition into whatever the hell I mean by that last sentence, which is that I have a boyfriend. Have had one for almost a month now. Pure travesty that I haven't written about him before, but I promised some people I wouldn't ever become the giggly schoolgirl that my friends all were when they found someone ever again. I'd like to think I've done that for the most part, but I have been aware of a heightened sense of positivity that now surrounds me and, according to friends, is gushing out of me like a gyser. I have observed that I'm super affectionate and cute around Jon (the new beau), but I can instantly snap back to my usual assholery as soon as I'm around or disturbed by anyone else.
Jon does this to me. He gushes cute and happiness the way most people sweat, to the point that I have to be super careful that I don't seem like I'm upset with him, lest he become sad and try his hardest to make me happy with him again. Being around someone like this gives me an immense boost to my ego, as well as the responsibility to actually think things through before I get upset about things. As much as I hate to admit this, I don't think that would have been possible had I not already dated Bradley and Alexander.
The both of them have, in their own way, shown me in a definite way what I want and can handle out of a relationship. Bradley was kind and caring, and by the end of it had even learned (to some degree) how to be supportive of things he didn't like or agree with in a man, but he was also untrusting and paranoid, and dramatic to the point of insanity. We argued a lot, and because of that I lost my drive to do anything (which may explain where the last two years have gone). Alexander was fun. He shared a few common interests and was new at everything to the point that it was fun to to attempt to mold him into the guy I wanted to be with. He was also manipulative and devoid of emotions, and he wanted all the joy of a relationship without having to actually be in one. He also may never have interested in me. I made the same mistake with both guys and took them both back, only to fail worse the second time than I did the first.
My disappointment in those relationships is overridden by my elation over how much I learned about myself. I've lived by my own rules and stuck to my guns, even against the protest of others. I've become stronger. And my intentions were to hold that strength and think about it for however long it took me to find a guy who could appreciate that.
The wait only took a month.
To be honest, I wasn't looking for anyone at the time. Having signed over my fate as far as the Kentuckiana area was concerned. The people in Louisville were douches and the guys in New Albany were closet cases. Having read a very convincing article on how gay chat rooms were destroying the gay culture I had reserved to NEVER be a part of that again, and I had left every one I was a part of a week or two before Alexander dumped me the second time (if you could call it that). The only social site I was a part of (save for Myspace and Facebook, but in college those are practically mandatory) was Louisville Mojo, and I really had lessened my visits to once every week or two. I only went on to see if Jon Weber had written me, as I was still crushing on him (even moreso now that the boss-employee thing wasn't a factor) but resigning myself to the notion that I had absolutely nothing to offer him in a relationship and that was probably the reason he wasn't interested in me. Nevertheless I searched eagerly for an email, only to come up short, and on some random inclination I decided to check to see who was online, if for no other reason than to laugh at the hypocrites who claim they respond to everyone in their sad efforts to have more guys to prospectively hook up with.
It was there I happened to chance upon a profile I had never seen before, and it seemed harmless enough. I wrote a standard hello and he wrote back, telling me he thought the term "Player 2" was the cutest thing ever, and that was pretty much it.
Deciding to come to Lexington to grab an HIV test as well as talk to officials at the school about getting readmitted, I headed out there the next day (Dec 17th) to accomplish that, but neither places could accommodate me and I decided on a whim to call Jon up and see if he wanted to hang out, as in go to the mall. I picked him up and we headed out on our awkward first date. Looking back it was apparent we were hopelessly attracted to each other, but without the other person knowing it we were nursing wounds from previous relationships and the prospect of getting hurt again didn't appeal to either of us. He said things, things I couldn't help but hear and be attracted to. I told him a funny story about me doing something dumb and he responded with, "Awww, ph4il...", and when I told him another story I could have sworn he used 'uber' as an adjective. We geeked out in videogame stores and I found out he was a vegetarian.
A random thought popped into my head. I think my balls had grown three sizes or something, because without taking the time to revel on the implications i asked if Jon wanted to go to the movies. He seemed excited by the prospect and off we went, to what could be called date #2 given the number of hours we'd already spent at the mall. We saw Quantum of Solace and laughed at the impossible moments. We held hands. We did the things people do on dates, i dunno. I was out of touch with those kinds of things. The movie ended and he invited me back to his place to play my game of Citadels. We ended up playing (him, his roommate and me) until about 1 a.m., and he walked me out to my car. Big kiss scene approaching, or so I thought. He had seemed uneasy for the past few hours, so I knew it could go either way, but my hopes were dashed when, as I leaned in for the kiss, he turned and gave me a peck on the cheek. We said goodbye and parted ways.
My balls still enlarged by some random injection of 'ego', I decided to follow up with him the next day. Not only that, but I asked him about the peck on the cheek, as it seemed like we should have kissed. He responded by telling me how he had wanted to make out all night, but was afraid of being too forward, and for about two good hours we gushed about each other.
Still ballsy, I drove back to UK that friday to pick him up and bring him to Louisville for Christmas Break, and we've been pretty much inseparable since.
And that's pretty much how I got the guy. He's funny and cute (OMG cute), loves videogames, anime, manga, card games and just about everything else I joygasm over on a regular basis. Loves the fact that I'm writing for one webcomic and starting up my own. He seems to be independent and the sex is fun. No pressure there. I daresay I'm a bit hornier than he is, though it's only month one and things usually mellow out for me eventually. He says the same thing about himself though, so we should be fine. Everynight we have a pow-wow and discuss how we're feeling about each other and the things we've done to upset one another so we can knock stupid things out without fighting. We both hate fighting. We video chat if we're away from each other. I ACTUALLY HAVE AND EXPRESS FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS. That last one is funny, because it was so intense, feeling things, that I would be totally exhausted within a few hours time the first week or so I spent around him.
Yup. So the drama now, hmm? (it's what you really wanted to know =cP )
Whenever I wasn't spending time with Jon on some adventure or whatnot, I was probably geting myself into trouble. Brittany was gone for the first few weeks, and in that time I managed to make my Mother mad enough to block me off of her telephone. We haven't spoken for weeks and I assume she is checking up on me through my sibblings, as they call me at random times and ask me about my life as though they truly care. I have decided to not answer the phone for them anymore until my mom stops being childish, which means I may not hear from them again until she's 50 or so and is too senile to remember why she is upset.
Her reasoning for this little spat is supposed to be because she doesn't like the fact that I said "Hell" in our conversation (argument) when we last talked, but the reality of the situation is that she was wrong and I called her out on it. Rather than accept that she was wrong, she's avoiding me altogether. For posterity I shall recall the actuall incident:
I was scheduled to work Christmas Eve and Day, so I had to do my grandmother's holiday shopping for her a few days before that (because she let me have the car the entire christmas break). Once Chrismas rolls around I sneak out to grab her car (she had needed it the night before and I brought it to her) and in the process I cleaned up her entire kitchen because she was so exhausted from cooking that she didn't clean anything or put anything away.
Now the juicy part. My mom somehow gets wind of the shopping and me cleaning her (grandmother's) house and devises an idea that my grandmother and I schemed against her to not spend christmas with her. Having had no intention to spend Christmas with her regardless, I can tell you this is a fabrication, but it doesn't matter because I fucking had to work all day for Christmas. She goes off on my grandmother about it and accuses her of trying to turn Tommy into me and steal another of her sons, and I had heard enough. I called my mom back and asked her about her behavior, and even though me, my grandmother and Victor all said the same thing she claims we're lying. I ask her "Why in the hell do think that you're always right?" and she hung up on me. Two phone calls and some intense words later, we're not speaking. I for one am saddened, only because I'm pissed at her and can't tell her about it. but I'm happy I don't have to worry about her Happy-Sad periods for the time being.
Which at least gives me less things to worry about. But of course, there are those people who are accusing me of turning my life around for a guy; instead of heading to Portland like I said in the last post I'm now attempting to head back to Lexington. So what.
I mean, assuming I am, Lexington is a fine place to 'settle' for. But I really think, to be totally honest, that I changed my life around to be with a man when I moved to New Albany. I was already on my way to heading back to the only school I've ever really liked, and now somehow I'm here, in BFE, trying to make sense of things. I'm not settling for Lexington; I'm going back home and starting over. I'm going to build my website and be nerdy and poor and enjoy every minute of it. And for those of you who wanna argue that I do that every year, you're probably right.
Must mean there's something out there for me.
Later
P.S.- School and work are starting back up (Yup, I got a new job workin the IT desk in the registration lab, thanks to Basil giving me a heads up) so I'll be updating more frequently. That should mean smaller updates, but they could be just as large. I apparently don't know myself and I need to make sure as much info as possible is on here so that, in three or four years, I can look back and see how all of this began.
Later!
In the midst of that search, I found another puzzle: Apparently I have rearranged things/ memories in my life to the point that I can't account for about 6 months of activity in 2005. My livejournal should provide the answers, but it's thrown my entire past into disaray. couple this with my unknown reasoning for not going back to the school of my choice and you have one seriously confused guy. I'm actually quite disturbed by the whole scenario, and I've found myself reading through almost 4 years of backstory about my life just so I can get a semi-correct grasp of who the fuck I am. So far it's been an entertaining read.
The only quibble I have with my LJ is that, through no fault of anyone other than myself, every year starts out roughly the same. I'm serious. I'm always doing the exact same thing, pursuing the same goals and failing in the same ways. Every year is so similar, in fact, that I've even bought the same things at the same time. (i.e "Zombie Attack") At one point I even became slightly depressed by it all, feeling like a hapless loser traversing the same revolving year not really accomplishing everything, but then I realized something about it all that made me feel better: I was happy doing all of it.
This can't be the first time I've come to this epiphany; figuring out that I'm that guy that everyone in High School pointed out and said, "Yeah, he won't amount to much,". it just never seemed to matter before. It doesn't even really matter now. I'm gearing right back up to attempt the same things, possibly the same exact way. I have to win at some point, right? I mean, I've already scored majorly in the relationship department, so that's something.
...
And now comes the awkward transition into whatever the hell I mean by that last sentence, which is that I have a boyfriend. Have had one for almost a month now. Pure travesty that I haven't written about him before, but I promised some people I wouldn't ever become the giggly schoolgirl that my friends all were when they found someone ever again. I'd like to think I've done that for the most part, but I have been aware of a heightened sense of positivity that now surrounds me and, according to friends, is gushing out of me like a gyser. I have observed that I'm super affectionate and cute around Jon (the new beau), but I can instantly snap back to my usual assholery as soon as I'm around or disturbed by anyone else.
Jon does this to me. He gushes cute and happiness the way most people sweat, to the point that I have to be super careful that I don't seem like I'm upset with him, lest he become sad and try his hardest to make me happy with him again. Being around someone like this gives me an immense boost to my ego, as well as the responsibility to actually think things through before I get upset about things. As much as I hate to admit this, I don't think that would have been possible had I not already dated Bradley and Alexander.
The both of them have, in their own way, shown me in a definite way what I want and can handle out of a relationship. Bradley was kind and caring, and by the end of it had even learned (to some degree) how to be supportive of things he didn't like or agree with in a man, but he was also untrusting and paranoid, and dramatic to the point of insanity. We argued a lot, and because of that I lost my drive to do anything (which may explain where the last two years have gone). Alexander was fun. He shared a few common interests and was new at everything to the point that it was fun to to attempt to mold him into the guy I wanted to be with. He was also manipulative and devoid of emotions, and he wanted all the joy of a relationship without having to actually be in one. He also may never have interested in me. I made the same mistake with both guys and took them both back, only to fail worse the second time than I did the first.
My disappointment in those relationships is overridden by my elation over how much I learned about myself. I've lived by my own rules and stuck to my guns, even against the protest of others. I've become stronger. And my intentions were to hold that strength and think about it for however long it took me to find a guy who could appreciate that.
The wait only took a month.
To be honest, I wasn't looking for anyone at the time. Having signed over my fate as far as the Kentuckiana area was concerned. The people in Louisville were douches and the guys in New Albany were closet cases. Having read a very convincing article on how gay chat rooms were destroying the gay culture I had reserved to NEVER be a part of that again, and I had left every one I was a part of a week or two before Alexander dumped me the second time (if you could call it that). The only social site I was a part of (save for Myspace and Facebook, but in college those are practically mandatory) was Louisville Mojo, and I really had lessened my visits to once every week or two. I only went on to see if Jon Weber had written me, as I was still crushing on him (even moreso now that the boss-employee thing wasn't a factor) but resigning myself to the notion that I had absolutely nothing to offer him in a relationship and that was probably the reason he wasn't interested in me. Nevertheless I searched eagerly for an email, only to come up short, and on some random inclination I decided to check to see who was online, if for no other reason than to laugh at the hypocrites who claim they respond to everyone in their sad efforts to have more guys to prospectively hook up with.
It was there I happened to chance upon a profile I had never seen before, and it seemed harmless enough. I wrote a standard hello and he wrote back, telling me he thought the term "Player 2" was the cutest thing ever, and that was pretty much it.
Deciding to come to Lexington to grab an HIV test as well as talk to officials at the school about getting readmitted, I headed out there the next day (Dec 17th) to accomplish that, but neither places could accommodate me and I decided on a whim to call Jon up and see if he wanted to hang out, as in go to the mall. I picked him up and we headed out on our awkward first date. Looking back it was apparent we were hopelessly attracted to each other, but without the other person knowing it we were nursing wounds from previous relationships and the prospect of getting hurt again didn't appeal to either of us. He said things, things I couldn't help but hear and be attracted to. I told him a funny story about me doing something dumb and he responded with, "Awww, ph4il...", and when I told him another story I could have sworn he used 'uber' as an adjective. We geeked out in videogame stores and I found out he was a vegetarian.
A random thought popped into my head. I think my balls had grown three sizes or something, because without taking the time to revel on the implications i asked if Jon wanted to go to the movies. He seemed excited by the prospect and off we went, to what could be called date #2 given the number of hours we'd already spent at the mall. We saw Quantum of Solace and laughed at the impossible moments. We held hands. We did the things people do on dates, i dunno. I was out of touch with those kinds of things. The movie ended and he invited me back to his place to play my game of Citadels. We ended up playing (him, his roommate and me) until about 1 a.m., and he walked me out to my car. Big kiss scene approaching, or so I thought. He had seemed uneasy for the past few hours, so I knew it could go either way, but my hopes were dashed when, as I leaned in for the kiss, he turned and gave me a peck on the cheek. We said goodbye and parted ways.
My balls still enlarged by some random injection of 'ego', I decided to follow up with him the next day. Not only that, but I asked him about the peck on the cheek, as it seemed like we should have kissed. He responded by telling me how he had wanted to make out all night, but was afraid of being too forward, and for about two good hours we gushed about each other.
Still ballsy, I drove back to UK that friday to pick him up and bring him to Louisville for Christmas Break, and we've been pretty much inseparable since.
And that's pretty much how I got the guy. He's funny and cute (OMG cute), loves videogames, anime, manga, card games and just about everything else I joygasm over on a regular basis. Loves the fact that I'm writing for one webcomic and starting up my own. He seems to be independent and the sex is fun. No pressure there. I daresay I'm a bit hornier than he is, though it's only month one and things usually mellow out for me eventually. He says the same thing about himself though, so we should be fine. Everynight we have a pow-wow and discuss how we're feeling about each other and the things we've done to upset one another so we can knock stupid things out without fighting. We both hate fighting. We video chat if we're away from each other. I ACTUALLY HAVE AND EXPRESS FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS. That last one is funny, because it was so intense, feeling things, that I would be totally exhausted within a few hours time the first week or so I spent around him.
Yup. So the drama now, hmm? (it's what you really wanted to know =cP )
Whenever I wasn't spending time with Jon on some adventure or whatnot, I was probably geting myself into trouble. Brittany was gone for the first few weeks, and in that time I managed to make my Mother mad enough to block me off of her telephone. We haven't spoken for weeks and I assume she is checking up on me through my sibblings, as they call me at random times and ask me about my life as though they truly care. I have decided to not answer the phone for them anymore until my mom stops being childish, which means I may not hear from them again until she's 50 or so and is too senile to remember why she is upset.
Her reasoning for this little spat is supposed to be because she doesn't like the fact that I said "Hell" in our conversation (argument) when we last talked, but the reality of the situation is that she was wrong and I called her out on it. Rather than accept that she was wrong, she's avoiding me altogether. For posterity I shall recall the actuall incident:
I was scheduled to work Christmas Eve and Day, so I had to do my grandmother's holiday shopping for her a few days before that (because she let me have the car the entire christmas break). Once Chrismas rolls around I sneak out to grab her car (she had needed it the night before and I brought it to her) and in the process I cleaned up her entire kitchen because she was so exhausted from cooking that she didn't clean anything or put anything away.
Now the juicy part. My mom somehow gets wind of the shopping and me cleaning her (grandmother's) house and devises an idea that my grandmother and I schemed against her to not spend christmas with her. Having had no intention to spend Christmas with her regardless, I can tell you this is a fabrication, but it doesn't matter because I fucking had to work all day for Christmas. She goes off on my grandmother about it and accuses her of trying to turn Tommy into me and steal another of her sons, and I had heard enough. I called my mom back and asked her about her behavior, and even though me, my grandmother and Victor all said the same thing she claims we're lying. I ask her "Why in the hell do think that you're always right?" and she hung up on me. Two phone calls and some intense words later, we're not speaking. I for one am saddened, only because I'm pissed at her and can't tell her about it. but I'm happy I don't have to worry about her Happy-Sad periods for the time being.
Which at least gives me less things to worry about. But of course, there are those people who are accusing me of turning my life around for a guy; instead of heading to Portland like I said in the last post I'm now attempting to head back to Lexington. So what.
I mean, assuming I am, Lexington is a fine place to 'settle' for. But I really think, to be totally honest, that I changed my life around to be with a man when I moved to New Albany. I was already on my way to heading back to the only school I've ever really liked, and now somehow I'm here, in BFE, trying to make sense of things. I'm not settling for Lexington; I'm going back home and starting over. I'm going to build my website and be nerdy and poor and enjoy every minute of it. And for those of you who wanna argue that I do that every year, you're probably right.
Must mean there's something out there for me.
Later
P.S.- School and work are starting back up (Yup, I got a new job workin the IT desk in the registration lab, thanks to Basil giving me a heads up) so I'll be updating more frequently. That should mean smaller updates, but they could be just as large. I apparently don't know myself and I need to make sure as much info as possible is on here so that, in three or four years, I can look back and see how all of this began.
Later!