In a Waking Dream
I find the relationship between my mother and I a very curious one; one that I feel compelled to expand upon today because of a pretty intense dream I had about her last night. In the dream, it was Christmas time, and my family was opening up presents. I didn't have any presents to open, which is really par for the course, but I can't help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy because for some odd reason a really good friend of mine (Michael Orr) was receiving gifts from my family as well. After the gift-giving I decide to jet, only to have my mom pull me aside and into the bathroom so she can talk to me. Curious enough, my mom wanted to talk about my birth father, Michael Edwards. She really only said one thing, which was, "You can't have both me and your dad at your father's funeral,", and then I woke up.
Reading it doesn't do much justice; you'd really have to feel the tension between me and her in order to properly understand the intensity. There's a reason for this, at least in my opinion. The simple explanation is that I feel my mother has wronged me, and that she hates being told she is wrong. But nothing is life is ever that simple, and my feelings (and, I'm sure, hers) span multiple years and incidents. I feel "wronged", but not in the sense that I feel slighted by any single event. As such my mom probably doesn't know to which incident she should be apologizing for and, in a severe case of irony, probably never will because I learned (from her, HA!) to hold a grudge.
She would tell you this all started when I was young and she returned me home from Germany while she stayed to fight in the Army, but that wouldn't be true. The same argument could be made that when I turned 11 she remarried and then took on two step-children and had another son, much to my jealousy, but that argument fails when you realize that I knowingly helped the two bastards get here (more on that later) and that my youngest brother and I don't really have an issue with each other. I've even argued that perhaps our problems began when my mom became dependent on relationships to make her happy, unlike my grandmother, who's been single for over 40 years and loving it.
The undertones of all three of those potential factors is what adds up to the whole of my problems with her: While she lives her life and brags about me or tells those who listen how much I mean to her, she doesn't actually do anything for or with me to earn those bragging rights. Mind you, she fed me up until I was 17, but other than the government required tasks she carried out with an air about her that I understood meant she felt her time was better spent elsewhere (and that she had no problem in telling me was only done because she'd be jailed otherwise), she didn't do much else and I didn't ask her for anything else. So in that sense, I feel wronged because she takes my accomplishments and brandishes them like her own personal badge of honor without actually having done anything to earn that right. And don't start on that, "She gave birth to you," kick; I didn't ask her for that favor.
I have serious issues with having a mother (or anyone, really) who speaks so highly of me but in reality can't be around me longer than an hour without an argument breaking out. And I suppose I take personal offense to having her tell people how much she cares for me when I haven't been able to get her to come visit in over a year, and only once in three years. It's as though the illusion of having a relationship with me is better to her than actually putting forth the effort and taking an interest in my life, which is fine; I just wish she'd stop pretending with other people that she actually cared.
Which brings me to my second problem with my mother: I'm constantly told how great a nurse she is, whether it's because she was harshly criticized by an ornery patient and just smiled right through it, or that she went the extra mile for someone or even (and this is one of my favorites) how prompt and timely she is in her engagements. Everyone who knows my mom the best knows that she hates being told she is wrong in any way, as stated above won't even really go a decent mile for me, and is usually ZOMG late when it comes to everything. I suppose it's mostly the fact that my mom and the person everyone seems to love are two very different people that irks me; I often think it would be nice to meet this mysterious woman one day.
*Sigh*... I have other issues with her, but I don't feel like getting into it right now. My gripe today is that I don't think she likes me much at all, and I'd much rather just know that than be led on about it. Other than that though, I do love my mom. I have issues with her and I'll discuss them in more detail some other time, as I do have specific examples of her insanity, but overall I do care about her.
We just don't get along.
Later
Reading it doesn't do much justice; you'd really have to feel the tension between me and her in order to properly understand the intensity. There's a reason for this, at least in my opinion. The simple explanation is that I feel my mother has wronged me, and that she hates being told she is wrong. But nothing is life is ever that simple, and my feelings (and, I'm sure, hers) span multiple years and incidents. I feel "wronged", but not in the sense that I feel slighted by any single event. As such my mom probably doesn't know to which incident she should be apologizing for and, in a severe case of irony, probably never will because I learned (from her, HA!) to hold a grudge.
She would tell you this all started when I was young and she returned me home from Germany while she stayed to fight in the Army, but that wouldn't be true. The same argument could be made that when I turned 11 she remarried and then took on two step-children and had another son, much to my jealousy, but that argument fails when you realize that I knowingly helped the two bastards get here (more on that later) and that my youngest brother and I don't really have an issue with each other. I've even argued that perhaps our problems began when my mom became dependent on relationships to make her happy, unlike my grandmother, who's been single for over 40 years and loving it.
The undertones of all three of those potential factors is what adds up to the whole of my problems with her: While she lives her life and brags about me or tells those who listen how much I mean to her, she doesn't actually do anything for or with me to earn those bragging rights. Mind you, she fed me up until I was 17, but other than the government required tasks she carried out with an air about her that I understood meant she felt her time was better spent elsewhere (and that she had no problem in telling me was only done because she'd be jailed otherwise), she didn't do much else and I didn't ask her for anything else. So in that sense, I feel wronged because she takes my accomplishments and brandishes them like her own personal badge of honor without actually having done anything to earn that right. And don't start on that, "She gave birth to you," kick; I didn't ask her for that favor.
I have serious issues with having a mother (or anyone, really) who speaks so highly of me but in reality can't be around me longer than an hour without an argument breaking out. And I suppose I take personal offense to having her tell people how much she cares for me when I haven't been able to get her to come visit in over a year, and only once in three years. It's as though the illusion of having a relationship with me is better to her than actually putting forth the effort and taking an interest in my life, which is fine; I just wish she'd stop pretending with other people that she actually cared.
Which brings me to my second problem with my mother: I'm constantly told how great a nurse she is, whether it's because she was harshly criticized by an ornery patient and just smiled right through it, or that she went the extra mile for someone or even (and this is one of my favorites) how prompt and timely she is in her engagements. Everyone who knows my mom the best knows that she hates being told she is wrong in any way, as stated above won't even really go a decent mile for me, and is usually ZOMG late when it comes to everything. I suppose it's mostly the fact that my mom and the person everyone seems to love are two very different people that irks me; I often think it would be nice to meet this mysterious woman one day.
*Sigh*... I have other issues with her, but I don't feel like getting into it right now. My gripe today is that I don't think she likes me much at all, and I'd much rather just know that than be led on about it. Other than that though, I do love my mom. I have issues with her and I'll discuss them in more detail some other time, as I do have specific examples of her insanity, but overall I do care about her.
We just don't get along.
Later