911 (4)
"Hi"
"Hey"
It was awkward.
Sitting in the consult room of the newly refurbished Breast Clinic.
Sitting there making small talk.
Waiting.
"So the place looks great." Arizona finally spoke, waving her hand around the room.
"After the amount of money we and the Avery foundation have put into it should do."
Arizona, Bailey and Meredith had pushed hard for this. Along with several department heads. They wanted GSMH to be the "go to" hospital in the Pacific Northwest for,amongst other things,Women's Health. Arizona had argued that with the reputation their Peds, Obstetrics and Gynecological Departments had for many years coupled with her building reputation in Fetal Medicine they already cornered huge chunks of the female medical market already. She'd built a case that ensuring that the Hospital was a renowned centre of excellence for treatment of the most common cancer to affect women made complete sense.
And so, after a lot of hard work and huge capital out lay the new clinic had opened a few months ago with the best equipment money could by. They'd also recruited far and wide across the US for the best cancer specialists. Little did Arizona think she'd be sitting here so soon and not as a Doctor.
"Yeah, I guess but..."
"Call Eye Op Torres?" A young woman with an iPad called out hesitantly causing Arizona to giggle nervously. The look Callie shot her had nothing on the look thrown the way of the young woman.
"It's Callie."
"Oh, ok, sorry...it's an unusual name, Call Ee Op."
"No! It's just Callie."
"It's Calliope...." Arizona laughed, sobering up quickly when Callie glared at her again "...but no-one is allowed to call her that except..." she paused, just for a second catching Callie's eye, a flicker of something unknown crossing both their faces "...her father."
"Sorry... and I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'm new here and I still lose my bearing around the Hospital" the young woman apologised again, clearly a little flustered "...so my name is Annabelle and I'm going to take care of you today and the first thing we're going to do is..."
"No. We're not." Arizona said, all hint of laughter gone.
Callie looked at her in confusion.
"We need someone else, someone who isn't five."
Callie went to apologise for Arizona but was interrupted , "No Callie, this is important, too important to be left to a, a Duckling, a baby Duckling at that!" She turned her sights on Annabelle. "How old are you? What are your credentials? Exactly how long have you..."
Annabelle smiled and nodded. Patients came into this clinic (and others like it) every day. Some came alone, others accompanied. Some looked nervous,others nonchalant. But she'd been doing this long enough to know that, regardless of how they presented, almost all were scared. And sometimes it was the family and friends who accompanied them that were the most scared of all.
She pulled up a chair and sat down and faced them both.
"I get it. You're scared, you're nervous.." she noticed the blonde was shaking her head getting ready to speak so she addressed her in particular "...and you see me, a 'kid with an iPad' and ..." She shook her head and smiled "...I'm fully qualified, have been for five years.I'm new to this Hospital but not to the job, okay?"
"See, she's not a baby at all." The brunette spoke and raising one eyebrow, "You should really stop calling people babies...and newborns and...poultry" The blonde frowned and blushed and frowned again, muttering an apology to the room rather than the individuals in it.
You became pretty good at reading people in this job but this pair confused her.
They didn't quite look like family although she supposed. Still they didn't give off a sibling vibe, not even a fighting siblings vibe. When she walked in they were clearly awkward in each others company yet they seemed oddly intimate too. Almost too intimate for friends. Too awkward too.
"It's fine. Really. And really you're in great hands. This hospital has the finest facilities, the best staff. You couldn't be in a better place. And now what we are going to do first is a thorough breast exam, mostly concentrating on your left breast where you've complained of a small anomaly...and then I'll arrange a mammogram and if necessary a biopsy. But firstly I'll carry out an exam."
Callie breathed in deeply, slowly exhaling. This was the beginning, she realised the ending was beyond her control. In fact pretty much all of it was. The young Doctor exuded confidence, she supposed it would put the majority of patients at ease. It might be true though, the old saying, that Doctors made the worst patients.
"Uhm...do you want me to leave for this part?" Arizona whispered.
Callie's answer was a puzzled look. And a shake of her head.
So she stayed as Callie laid back on the consult room gurney, opening her gown and allowing Dr. Annabelle to proceed to give her a very thorough examination, taking notes as she went. At some point, as the Doctor poked and prodded, hummed and hawed, tapped out notes on her iPad and manipulated her left breast Callie had tentatively stretched out her right hand until her fingertips touched Arizona's. And when the Doctor moved onto Callie's rightside Arizona simply moved silently to Callie's left and fingertips found each other again.
Arizona wanted to cry. And she didn't quite understand why. This whole thing was wrong. Callie shouldn't have a lump. She shouldn't be there. Wanting to cry gave way to wanting to shout. In anger, in frustration. At the unholy mess that they had made. But she kept quiet and instead made small talk instead.
"So how long have you been at the Hospital?"
"This is my second week, I moved to Seattle from Chicago three weeks ago. So far it's been great, the facilities here are incredible, the powers that be, I mean the people who run the Hospital want it to be the best Centre on the Pacific coast so it was such an opportunity for me to work here..." As she rambled on, extolling the virtues of the Hospital it was obvious she had no clue as to the identity of her patient or her companion.
"... I miss Chicago though, I mean I don't know anyone in Seattle and, oh my God does it ever stop raining?"
Arizona smiled and remembered a young patient she'd treated a lifetime ago who'd complained about the rain, and repeated the words of a promising young intern called Alexandra Grey " I know, but that's why it's so gorgeous and green. And when the rain stops and the sun starts peeking through the clouds, there's nowhere else I'd rather be, everything smells fresh and verdant and... life feels full of growth and possibility."
Later, after the mammogram, Annabelle left to get what she needed to carry out the needle stick biopsy.
"Seriously, Arizona? Can you stop it already?" Callie huffed. She was scared. She'd kept hoping the Doctor would say it was nothing, to go away and stop imagining phantom lumps but instead she just kept doing her job. So she was scared...and annoyed...and Arizona was there...
"What?"
"Stop with the flirting, she's my Doctor for gods sake."
"I'm not flirt...what are you talking about?"
"Ooh Annabelle, you should go for a walk barefoot in the park just after it rains, the dewy grass feels so good between your toes..." Callie mimicked in a falsetto.
"I dont sound like that and I'm just being nice..." Arizona retorted, not bothering to conceal her anger "...and furthermore...I have a girlfriend and..."
"Oh, yeah, like that would stop you..."
Callie saw the fleeting look of hurt on her ex-wife's face,masked almost immediately by stoney stoicism. She knew she was being a bitch. And utterly unfair. She knew that. But damn it, she had a lump and she might have cancer and she might...and she was beyond scared. And it wasn't fair. None of this was fair. And so she lashed out, because Arizona was there and because Arizona was her .. well Arizona was Arizona.
And she was there.
And she didn't regret her decision of almost two years ago. The decision to walk, to leave, to leave her wife behind. It still felt like the right call, for both of them. She only had to look at Arizona these days to know that. Her ex-wife was freer, happier and more successful than ever. In her career, in her life. And she had a girlfriend now.
But still she was Arizona. The person who still evoked in her the strongest of feelings. Even if now those feelings were mostly anger and bitterness and sadness and...whatever. They,the two of them were still bound by something, maybe only by the past but bound no less. And life was unfair and, at times, horribly so. If life was fair, if life had been fair to them then they would still be a "they" and all the reasons why they couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't ever be a "they" again shouldn't exist.
But the reasons did exist. And they always would. And life goes on.
And now she might have cancer. And if she wanted to lash out and be a bitch to the person who was only here to support and help then she would be. Surely today, of all days, she was allowed to be. Surely today she was allowed a free pass for bad behaviour?
She heard Arizona mutter, as much to herself as to Callie, "So much for forgiveness." And she muttered back, somewhat shamefaced, "Sorry" and silence was easier than speech. Even when Dr. Annabelle Smyth returned they stayed mostly silent. They spoke to her, looked at her,but not at each other, not to each other. It pretty much mirrored their relationship these days. No matter how the conversations began, no matter what the topic, no matter the context; if left alone they ended up in silence. Nothing to say that wouldn't lead to hurtful words and wounded silences.
And yet, and yet...
"Ok, so, based on everything I see so far, the mammogram, the blood tests, everything points to..."
This was it. The next words out of Doctor Smyth's mouth could change Callie's life for good. Their lives for good. And they didn't speak or look at each other but two hands reached out and found each other all the same. Reached out and grasped and squeezed and held on tight. This was it.
"... nothing more than a cyst. We will drain it, it may be a quite sore for a few days, and then we will monitor you..."
Dr. Smyth spoke of new protocols, of all test results being reviewed by independent eyes, an independent test by another specialist who would not know the first Doctors prognosis. It was a means of ensuring that there were no false negatives, that nothing got missed. Just protocol. Nothing to worry about really.
They listened but, for Arizona at least, the rest of her words were just meaningless. She was a Doctor and should have been interested in the typology of the cyst, the epidemiology and a hundred other tests and 'ologies' but all she heard was that Callie was going to be fine and nothing else mattered.
Relief surged through Callie's body, exhaling loudly, almost leaping in the air with relief and joy. She smiled at the Doctor who smiled back. She beamed at Arizona who beamed back. Hands still interlocked. Neither grip lessened.
Arizona began to ask a question but before she'd finished Callie's phone rang. A picture of a slightly familiar face showing up on the screen. It was whatshername. And Arizona let go of Callie's hand.
"Tiffany?" Callie answered, Arizona tried not to listen to the one way conversation, hearing Callie say a variety of 'ok's, 'yeah's, and finally a "chat to you later" before the call ended. She turned to Dr. Smyth and said "So we are pretty much done here?" Dr. Smyth nodded and added 'I'm just going to give you a script for some pain relief and go get you some pamphlets about aftercare" and she left the room to do just that.
"So, do you wanna go get a coffee or maybe a doughnut or..." A still euphoric Callie asked. She wanted to celebrate.
"Tiffany must be relieved and delighted." Arizona blurted out in reply. She wanted to celebrate too, hell she wanted to throw her hands up in the air and yell and dance and...but Callie's girlfriend had just called adding a dose of reality to the situation.
"Oh, well...actually I didn't tell her about...well you know..."
"What? why not?" The Callie she knew was not one who hid her emotions. In fact she'd half expected to arrive to the clinic today to be met by Callie and her girlfriend and to be told her presence was surplus to requirements. Which would have been fine, kind of.
"I guess I...well I didn't want to worry her really." She had thought about it for about half a minute but Arizona was going to be there so she didn't need her girlfriend too. And after all if it had been something serious well Arizona would have understood the terminology and the implications. If the news had been bad and Callie's world thrown into chaos it would be important to have someone knowledgeable there, to ask the right questions, to remember the answers. Her marketing guru girlfriend would have been out of her depth. And besides they were happy and she was quite happy to live in their light- hearted bubble for a little longer. No need to burst it with talk of biopsies and such like before absolutely necessary.
"Oh." Arizona's response was short and quiet.
"Yeah. I mean why worry family and friends and loved ones to death only for a completely harmless little cyst, right?" God she was relieved, so so relieved. She'd dodged a bullet and right now felt like she was walking on air. "I didn't tell my Dad either."
"Yeah, of course." Arizona's response this time was barely audible.
Callie was oblivious. "So how about that coffee, I'll even get you a rainbow sprinkled doughnut?" She smiled widely.
Arizona just stared back. As if she was looking at her for the first time.
"Arizona?"
Arizona just kept staring. Shaking her head and staring.
"Arizona?" Callie said more forcefully.
Arizona's only response was to shake her head and say, "You must consider me to be the worlds greatest fool..." then laughed bitterly before adding, "... maybe I am. But I'm done. I am so done.
And Dr. Smyth returned before Callie could even open her mouth in reply and Arizona stood up in silence, walked to the door, and left without a backward glance.
"Hey"
It was awkward.
Sitting in the consult room of the newly refurbished Breast Clinic.
Sitting there making small talk.
Waiting.
"So the place looks great." Arizona finally spoke, waving her hand around the room.
"After the amount of money we and the Avery foundation have put into it should do."
Arizona, Bailey and Meredith had pushed hard for this. Along with several department heads. They wanted GSMH to be the "go to" hospital in the Pacific Northwest for,amongst other things,Women's Health. Arizona had argued that with the reputation their Peds, Obstetrics and Gynecological Departments had for many years coupled with her building reputation in Fetal Medicine they already cornered huge chunks of the female medical market already. She'd built a case that ensuring that the Hospital was a renowned centre of excellence for treatment of the most common cancer to affect women made complete sense.
And so, after a lot of hard work and huge capital out lay the new clinic had opened a few months ago with the best equipment money could by. They'd also recruited far and wide across the US for the best cancer specialists. Little did Arizona think she'd be sitting here so soon and not as a Doctor.
"Yeah, I guess but..."
"Call Eye Op Torres?" A young woman with an iPad called out hesitantly causing Arizona to giggle nervously. The look Callie shot her had nothing on the look thrown the way of the young woman.
"It's Callie."
"Oh, ok, sorry...it's an unusual name, Call Ee Op."
"No! It's just Callie."
"It's Calliope...." Arizona laughed, sobering up quickly when Callie glared at her again "...but no-one is allowed to call her that except..." she paused, just for a second catching Callie's eye, a flicker of something unknown crossing both their faces "...her father."
"Sorry... and I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'm new here and I still lose my bearing around the Hospital" the young woman apologised again, clearly a little flustered "...so my name is Annabelle and I'm going to take care of you today and the first thing we're going to do is..."
"No. We're not." Arizona said, all hint of laughter gone.
Callie looked at her in confusion.
"We need someone else, someone who isn't five."
Callie went to apologise for Arizona but was interrupted , "No Callie, this is important, too important to be left to a, a Duckling, a baby Duckling at that!" She turned her sights on Annabelle. "How old are you? What are your credentials? Exactly how long have you..."
Annabelle smiled and nodded. Patients came into this clinic (and others like it) every day. Some came alone, others accompanied. Some looked nervous,others nonchalant. But she'd been doing this long enough to know that, regardless of how they presented, almost all were scared. And sometimes it was the family and friends who accompanied them that were the most scared of all.
She pulled up a chair and sat down and faced them both.
"I get it. You're scared, you're nervous.." she noticed the blonde was shaking her head getting ready to speak so she addressed her in particular "...and you see me, a 'kid with an iPad' and ..." She shook her head and smiled "...I'm fully qualified, have been for five years.I'm new to this Hospital but not to the job, okay?"
"See, she's not a baby at all." The brunette spoke and raising one eyebrow, "You should really stop calling people babies...and newborns and...poultry" The blonde frowned and blushed and frowned again, muttering an apology to the room rather than the individuals in it.
You became pretty good at reading people in this job but this pair confused her.
They didn't quite look like family although she supposed. Still they didn't give off a sibling vibe, not even a fighting siblings vibe. When she walked in they were clearly awkward in each others company yet they seemed oddly intimate too. Almost too intimate for friends. Too awkward too.
"It's fine. Really. And really you're in great hands. This hospital has the finest facilities, the best staff. You couldn't be in a better place. And now what we are going to do first is a thorough breast exam, mostly concentrating on your left breast where you've complained of a small anomaly...and then I'll arrange a mammogram and if necessary a biopsy. But firstly I'll carry out an exam."
Callie breathed in deeply, slowly exhaling. This was the beginning, she realised the ending was beyond her control. In fact pretty much all of it was. The young Doctor exuded confidence, she supposed it would put the majority of patients at ease. It might be true though, the old saying, that Doctors made the worst patients.
"Uhm...do you want me to leave for this part?" Arizona whispered.
Callie's answer was a puzzled look. And a shake of her head.
So she stayed as Callie laid back on the consult room gurney, opening her gown and allowing Dr. Annabelle to proceed to give her a very thorough examination, taking notes as she went. At some point, as the Doctor poked and prodded, hummed and hawed, tapped out notes on her iPad and manipulated her left breast Callie had tentatively stretched out her right hand until her fingertips touched Arizona's. And when the Doctor moved onto Callie's rightside Arizona simply moved silently to Callie's left and fingertips found each other again.
Arizona wanted to cry. And she didn't quite understand why. This whole thing was wrong. Callie shouldn't have a lump. She shouldn't be there. Wanting to cry gave way to wanting to shout. In anger, in frustration. At the unholy mess that they had made. But she kept quiet and instead made small talk instead.
"So how long have you been at the Hospital?"
"This is my second week, I moved to Seattle from Chicago three weeks ago. So far it's been great, the facilities here are incredible, the powers that be, I mean the people who run the Hospital want it to be the best Centre on the Pacific coast so it was such an opportunity for me to work here..." As she rambled on, extolling the virtues of the Hospital it was obvious she had no clue as to the identity of her patient or her companion.
"... I miss Chicago though, I mean I don't know anyone in Seattle and, oh my God does it ever stop raining?"
Arizona smiled and remembered a young patient she'd treated a lifetime ago who'd complained about the rain, and repeated the words of a promising young intern called Alexandra Grey " I know, but that's why it's so gorgeous and green. And when the rain stops and the sun starts peeking through the clouds, there's nowhere else I'd rather be, everything smells fresh and verdant and... life feels full of growth and possibility."
Later, after the mammogram, Annabelle left to get what she needed to carry out the needle stick biopsy.
"Seriously, Arizona? Can you stop it already?" Callie huffed. She was scared. She'd kept hoping the Doctor would say it was nothing, to go away and stop imagining phantom lumps but instead she just kept doing her job. So she was scared...and annoyed...and Arizona was there...
"What?"
"Stop with the flirting, she's my Doctor for gods sake."
"I'm not flirt...what are you talking about?"
"Ooh Annabelle, you should go for a walk barefoot in the park just after it rains, the dewy grass feels so good between your toes..." Callie mimicked in a falsetto.
"I dont sound like that and I'm just being nice..." Arizona retorted, not bothering to conceal her anger "...and furthermore...I have a girlfriend and..."
"Oh, yeah, like that would stop you..."
Callie saw the fleeting look of hurt on her ex-wife's face,masked almost immediately by stoney stoicism. She knew she was being a bitch. And utterly unfair. She knew that. But damn it, she had a lump and she might have cancer and she might...and she was beyond scared. And it wasn't fair. None of this was fair. And so she lashed out, because Arizona was there and because Arizona was her .. well Arizona was Arizona.
And she was there.
And she didn't regret her decision of almost two years ago. The decision to walk, to leave, to leave her wife behind. It still felt like the right call, for both of them. She only had to look at Arizona these days to know that. Her ex-wife was freer, happier and more successful than ever. In her career, in her life. And she had a girlfriend now.
But still she was Arizona. The person who still evoked in her the strongest of feelings. Even if now those feelings were mostly anger and bitterness and sadness and...whatever. They,the two of them were still bound by something, maybe only by the past but bound no less. And life was unfair and, at times, horribly so. If life was fair, if life had been fair to them then they would still be a "they" and all the reasons why they couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't ever be a "they" again shouldn't exist.
But the reasons did exist. And they always would. And life goes on.
And now she might have cancer. And if she wanted to lash out and be a bitch to the person who was only here to support and help then she would be. Surely today, of all days, she was allowed to be. Surely today she was allowed a free pass for bad behaviour?
She heard Arizona mutter, as much to herself as to Callie, "So much for forgiveness." And she muttered back, somewhat shamefaced, "Sorry" and silence was easier than speech. Even when Dr. Annabelle Smyth returned they stayed mostly silent. They spoke to her, looked at her,but not at each other, not to each other. It pretty much mirrored their relationship these days. No matter how the conversations began, no matter what the topic, no matter the context; if left alone they ended up in silence. Nothing to say that wouldn't lead to hurtful words and wounded silences.
And yet, and yet...
"Ok, so, based on everything I see so far, the mammogram, the blood tests, everything points to..."
This was it. The next words out of Doctor Smyth's mouth could change Callie's life for good. Their lives for good. And they didn't speak or look at each other but two hands reached out and found each other all the same. Reached out and grasped and squeezed and held on tight. This was it.
"... nothing more than a cyst. We will drain it, it may be a quite sore for a few days, and then we will monitor you..."
Dr. Smyth spoke of new protocols, of all test results being reviewed by independent eyes, an independent test by another specialist who would not know the first Doctors prognosis. It was a means of ensuring that there were no false negatives, that nothing got missed. Just protocol. Nothing to worry about really.
They listened but, for Arizona at least, the rest of her words were just meaningless. She was a Doctor and should have been interested in the typology of the cyst, the epidemiology and a hundred other tests and 'ologies' but all she heard was that Callie was going to be fine and nothing else mattered.
Relief surged through Callie's body, exhaling loudly, almost leaping in the air with relief and joy. She smiled at the Doctor who smiled back. She beamed at Arizona who beamed back. Hands still interlocked. Neither grip lessened.
Arizona began to ask a question but before she'd finished Callie's phone rang. A picture of a slightly familiar face showing up on the screen. It was whatshername. And Arizona let go of Callie's hand.
"Tiffany?" Callie answered, Arizona tried not to listen to the one way conversation, hearing Callie say a variety of 'ok's, 'yeah's, and finally a "chat to you later" before the call ended. She turned to Dr. Smyth and said "So we are pretty much done here?" Dr. Smyth nodded and added 'I'm just going to give you a script for some pain relief and go get you some pamphlets about aftercare" and she left the room to do just that.
"So, do you wanna go get a coffee or maybe a doughnut or..." A still euphoric Callie asked. She wanted to celebrate.
"Tiffany must be relieved and delighted." Arizona blurted out in reply. She wanted to celebrate too, hell she wanted to throw her hands up in the air and yell and dance and...but Callie's girlfriend had just called adding a dose of reality to the situation.
"Oh, well...actually I didn't tell her about...well you know..."
"What? why not?" The Callie she knew was not one who hid her emotions. In fact she'd half expected to arrive to the clinic today to be met by Callie and her girlfriend and to be told her presence was surplus to requirements. Which would have been fine, kind of.
"I guess I...well I didn't want to worry her really." She had thought about it for about half a minute but Arizona was going to be there so she didn't need her girlfriend too. And after all if it had been something serious well Arizona would have understood the terminology and the implications. If the news had been bad and Callie's world thrown into chaos it would be important to have someone knowledgeable there, to ask the right questions, to remember the answers. Her marketing guru girlfriend would have been out of her depth. And besides they were happy and she was quite happy to live in their light- hearted bubble for a little longer. No need to burst it with talk of biopsies and such like before absolutely necessary.
"Oh." Arizona's response was short and quiet.
"Yeah. I mean why worry family and friends and loved ones to death only for a completely harmless little cyst, right?" God she was relieved, so so relieved. She'd dodged a bullet and right now felt like she was walking on air. "I didn't tell my Dad either."
"Yeah, of course." Arizona's response this time was barely audible.
Callie was oblivious. "So how about that coffee, I'll even get you a rainbow sprinkled doughnut?" She smiled widely.
Arizona just stared back. As if she was looking at her for the first time.
"Arizona?"
Arizona just kept staring. Shaking her head and staring.
"Arizona?" Callie said more forcefully.
Arizona's only response was to shake her head and say, "You must consider me to be the worlds greatest fool..." then laughed bitterly before adding, "... maybe I am. But I'm done. I am so done.
And Dr. Smyth returned before Callie could even open her mouth in reply and Arizona stood up in silence, walked to the door, and left without a backward glance.