Fear, Anger; Weak, Strong 2/?
Title: Fear, Anger;Weak,Strong 2-
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Calzona [always :-( ]
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The sequel to my prequel (Wiped clean) but still a prequel to my original story (Forgive,forget,forever) and if that doesn't confuse you - Congratulations! Still just my happy ending after the devastation of the Season 9 ending. Canon until end 9.24, after that my hope and optimism is to blame. 2 or 3 chapters only. Just a conversation between them set when Michael is about 3 months old.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
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The very fact that she was sitting in their specially adapted shower just added to her angry frustration. There was nothing like standing under a scalding hot shower to ease away the frustration and sitting was nothing like standing. The sitting just served to remind her of her disability. A bitter laugh escaped - as if she needed reminding. Her stump flopping uselessly to one side did that quite well. Even when standing fully clothed and looking to the unknowing world world like a normal person she could feel it. Even when attached securely to her prosthetic it still served as a constant reminder. Even when it wasn't aching or chafing. It was never exactly normal, not even on the best of days. How could it be, how could she be. When she was not whole, when she could never be. Ever again.
Her anger turned inward, not that it was ever really outward. Callie had done nothing wrong. All she did was have a drink with a smoking intern. Or should that be a smoking hot intern who also happened to smoke? Callie had never, ever, not once, not even once, given her any reason to doubt her. And yet there she was, sitting, sitting dammit , under a torrent of hot water, consumed by jealousy. Or was it simply fear?
It wasn't just the stupid leg, not anymore. God knows Callie could have done no more to reassure her that, sans leg,she found her sexy, as sexy as ever. For a while there after they reconciled, after somehow miraculously they'd survived the storm of hate and bitterness, of infidelity, their sex life had been... Well Arizona had never experienced anything like it. Neither of them had. They'd been like Biblical Jews lost and wandering in the desert for 40 years then finding their Promised Land. They could not be sated, there could never be enough. They worshipped each other. Even into the last trimester of her pregnancy, their sex life had been...
Arizona shook her head, not sure if she was trying to get rid of the negativity that had descended upon her or the memories of what had been. Their sex life did seem to be a past memory, Callie seemingly having no interest in a resumption.
The myth of lesbian bed death was exactly that - a myth. But right now they were experiencing their own version nonetheless. And she missed it, truly she did but what hurt far more than the physical absence was the knowledge that Callie no longer saw her that way, no longer found her attractive.
It hurt and while she had no doubt, none whatsoever, that Callie still loved her that made the hurt somehow more profound. Logic told her that sooner or later they would have sex again but the thought of having some perfunctory sex with her wife just to fulfil some dutiful quota killed her. Because for Arizona sex with her Calliope should never be perfunctory.
*****
By the time Callie had tidied up, watched her sleeping angels for a while and wandered into the bed room she had decided to tackle Arizona head on. Months of weekly marriage counseling had taught them both to communicate better. But talking when things were great was good, but talking when things were fraught that was essential.
As she entered their shared bathroom she met Arizona hobbling out of the shower. Her face free of makeup, invigorated by the steam of a hot shower, she looked younger than her years. And clad only,in a short white towel, that left little to the imagination it was almost all Callie could do to stop herself from tearing that towel from her, pushing her against the door and... Instead she just pushed her desire down deep, and smiled as she brushed past Arizona, to brush her teeth.
Back in the bedroom Arizona picked nervously at an invisible thread on her baby blue lacy pajamas top. When she was scared she got angry. It was who she was, had always been really. Not her finest characteristic, but it hadn't mattered much for back then she seldom got scared. So she was seldom angry.
Until she was.
Until she was scared all the time.
Until she was angry all the time.
Fear / Anger. Love / Hate.
Opposite sides of the same coin.
It had taken months of therapy just for her to understand that much. Months more to find a coping mechanism. Months of therapy, of talk, of tears.
And throughout it all, there was Callie.
And she was still there.
And Arizona knew she always would be.
So Arizona was going to talk to her wife. Because not talking was easier, until it wasn't. Because not talking was what they did until there was no them anymore. Because not talking was no longer, could never be, an option again.
*****
"Honey..." "Calliope..."
Spoken simultaneously.
Arizona smiled "You first."
Callie sat down beside her, taking the hand playing nervously into her own, then leaned in with a gentle kiss to perfect pink lips, "I know you're annoyed with me, that I've upset you somehow but I don't know what I did and .." she sighed "...you know me, I'm not going to figure it out and then we'll both stew and..."
"No, you didnt do anything, you..."
"Okay, so what did I not do..."
P
"Callie, nothing, you're...it's not..." Arizona struggled to find the words, then closing her eyes as if it might block out Callie's answer, swallowed and asked "Do you like her?"
"What? Who?" Callie's genuine confusion evident in her voice.
Arizona suppressed the desire to say 'the slut who was fawning all over you in Joes' and instead simply said quietly "Dr. Smithson."
Callie scrunched up her eyes in the hope that it would bring some clarity, it didn't. "Uhm...yeah? I guess, I mean she's a bit...but hey if she's good at it......and she's interested in it, sure."
The answer didn't exactly allay Arizona's worries but it didn't really make sense either, " What?"
"Ortho, she's interested in..."
"She's not interested in Ortho, Callie!" Arizona shook her head in exasperation, sometimes Callie didn't see what was sitting on top of her nose.
Callie let go the hand she was holding, hackles rising. It was one thing when their colleagues called it carpentry but the least her wife could do was to respect her speciality. "Arizona, it may surprise you to know that some people think Ortho is a fine..."
"She's not interested in Ortho, Callie..." Arizona repeated, then softer " ...she's interested in the Head of Ortho."
Callie looked surprised then confused, " What? But I'm the Head of...oh...no. Really? Is she?"
Arizona smiled involuntarily, "If she's not blind."
Callie looked flattered but quickly that changed to...well, just plain annoyed.
"That's what this is about? You're jealous? Wait! Do you think I....Arizona! That's so not fair, I have never...there is nothing going..." Callie's face was flushed.
"I know that! Calliope I know that." Arizona quickly reassured her, grabbing her hand back to make that point more forcibly. "It's not...it's not you..."
Callie's face softened immediately,anger gone replaced by concern, " I don't understand what this is then? Where is this coming from?"
"I get scared..."
Callie's brow furrowed, "...of what?"
"We're okay, right? I mean, happy?" Arizona asked lowly, her eyes catching Callie's eyes then quickly darting away,adding before Callie could say a word, "Do I make you happy?"
"Arizona? Yes, yes, you make me so...I mean.... we're happy, I mean... I know I am..."
Arizona's loud exhale of relief cut Callie short. She repeated, "I get scared..." Callie's silence forced her to continue, "...that one day you'll realise that...this..." She made a circular gesture "...isn't what you want."
Silence followed. Arizona biting her lip in a bid to stop its slight tremor, Callie grinding her jaw.
"So after everything we've been through...you still don't trust me?" Hurt and disbelief threatened to turn to anger deep inside Callie.
"What? No. I didn't say..."
" Am I still a newborn to you? Is that it? Christ, Arizona...I married you, I married a woman...you still don't trust me? We had this conversation years ago, you terrified I was going to sleep with Mark or some other guy at the drop of a hat...but I thought... How on earth are we back there again? Do you think I'm just going to throw myself at the first person who flirts with me? Man or woman? What kind of..."
"No no, no... It's not...we're not, we...." Arizona berated herself, she was doing this all wrong, saying it all wrong. That's why she didn't like the talking, with words came confusion, misinterpretation. It's why she used to think that she could express herself with actions, with feelings. That she could put every ounce of feeling into a touch, a kiss, a look. Of course she now knew that sometimes the talk was essential even if the talk was scary and hard. "... it's not about you, it's me."
Callie sighed then, taking a deep breath, added, "I don't understand any of this. And now you're scaring me...cause I thought everything was good, like really good, for reals, not like before when I just wanted it to be good but...what are you saying? Are we in trouble? Again? I thought we were..."
She was cut off by a searing kiss. A kiss the like of which they had not shared in months, a kiss full of desire, of want, of love. A kiss that, cliches be damned, just took her breath away.
"We are. You make me so happy, Calliope. I am so happy and it terrifies me that I might lose this, lose you."
"Why?" Did she not know that her heart beat for Arizona and their family? Did her wife not know just how damned precious she was to her? What was she scared of? Her heart or her own?
Arizona sighed loudly. She hated this. That she was weak now; clingy, needy. She had never been those things, never. Not before Callie. Never afraid that she might lose it all in a heartbeat but then before Callie and their kids she hadn't all that much to lose.
"Back in the day..." She began again "...it was about you. I loved you, so hard, so fast and it scared me...cause I didn't trust you...about Mark, about men. I knew I was enough, more than enough for any woman who wanted a woman."
Callie nodded. She hadn't understood it then, Arizona's fears. She'd been so blinded by love, so awestruck that Arizona wanted her, was hers that she hadn't understood that Arizona had her own fears too. Hell, it took a breakup and a shooting for her to even begin to fathom the depths of her woman's insecurities.
"Now,it's....I trust you...more than anyone, more than ever..."
Callie nodded again. She hadn't understood that either, her wife's anger, the sense of betrayal. So determined was she to get ' her Arizona' back she hadn't allowed time for grieving for what was lost. Not just Mark and Lexie, not just Nick who died in Seattle just hours after the plane was located. Not just a leg. Arizona had lost her belief in good and order and reason on that mountain. By the time she'd made it to Boise all she had left was her faith in Callie. When she lost her leg she lost that too.
It had been a long way back, so many obstacles to overcome, so many things to rebuild.
Trust the hardest.
For both of them.
"So I make you happy?"
Arizona just nodded, trying as she was to order her thoughts, to try to explain.
"And you trust me so you know I would never..." Callie added.
Arizona nodded again, "It's not you...it's me...I..."
Callie's heart began thumping so loud she imagined her wife should hear it, "What? You don't trust yourself? Is there...something, someone..."
"No!" Arizona practically yelled back, gripping her wife's two hands "Jesus, no....God,Callie, I love you, only you and....you need never worry about that again...I promise...I...thought you knew.."
"I do! I do know that..." Callie moved their entwined hands to cup Arizona's face, "...I love you too. And I trust you, absolutely, more than ever."
Arizona exhaled slowly, leaning in to rest her forehead on Callie's. Eyes scrunched up failed to stop a few stray tears from falling.
"Arizona..." Callie hated seeing the sadness and worry in her wife's face, especially when she was at a loss as to why it was there, "...we love each other and we trust each other so what is wrong? Why are you..."
"This isn't what you signed up for..." Arizona said quietly, using the same circular hand motion as before, quickly adding before she lost her nerve, "...when we got married, this wasn't what you..."
"Whoa! Wait, no...." Callie was confounded "...what are you talking about...I signed up for you and I got you a-and I have you. You."
"But I'm not the same. I used to be..."
The truth was when she compared herself to before Arizona fell short in every way. Not just physically. But physically...well that was the easiest to explain. Which didnt make it easy. Just talking about it, feeling it was like a self fulfilling prophecy. Feeling weak and inadequate made her so. Admitting it to her wife just confirmed it.
The woman her wife married was a self confessed type A confident- bordering on- arrogant honorable human being. And she was hot too. She was in her own words 'right and awesome'. She had truly believed that was who she was. And her self belief had served her well. It had gotten her to the top of her chosen speciality, the most hardcore of them all. It had gotten her there at a preposterously young age. It had gotten her a string of gorgeous women culminating in the miracle that was Callie Torres.
After the plane crash everything had changed but then slowly with a lot of help and therapy and time and after many many missteps she had restored her own belief system. Fragile but there. But lately doubt had crept in again. Doubt and fear. Until she was more than scared. After the crash she thought she had nothing left to lose until she actually lost Callie with the threat of losing Sofia too. Then she got Callie back and now with Sofia and Michael too the fear of losing them was paralyzing.
"She's everything I'm not...not anymore... she's young and, and pretty and p-pert and...whole a -and..."
"Who?" Did Arizona really mean the silly intern? The mere idea that she could even be compared to her wife was....it was ludicrous.
"Calliope! you know who..." Arizona spat out, then immediately felt contrite again. She hated the woman. A woman with whom she'd barely exchanged maybe two sentences. But that woman wanted her wife. So she hated her. Too much to even say her name. "...P-Pocahontas."
Callie's eyes widened, briefly toying with the idea that maybe her wife had taken a blow to the head while she was at work, "...who?"
Arizona blushed, she was being immature to add to all her other failings "... Didn't you say she was related to Chief Sitting Bull or Geronimo or..."
Despite the seriousness of it all Callie laughed, " I may have said she had some Native American heritage but....God, Arizona how can you compare yourself to Ma..." she thought better of it, smiling weakly as she finished "...Pocahontas?"
"...I don't look like her or any of them and..."
"Them? Who them, I mean what them? I mean who?"
"The women lining up for you, I don't compare with them, I know that and..."
Hearing Arizona sound so unsure so...well pathetic hurt Callie. Even if,possibly because, she had no idea where this was coming from. And genuinely no idea what more she could do.
"You know it's true."
" No, it's not. This is crazy...I love you....not, not Pocahontas or, or...Snow White or Red Riding Hood or Cinder- freakin- Ella or... I love you. You. I don't know how else to show you that or prove it or..."
"Callie I know you do, I just....I just..." Arizona couldn't bear to see the disappointment in Callie's face, the truth in her eyes so she bowed her head in shame even as she whispered "I want you to want me too. I need you to want me."
Their old fashioned 'grandfather' clock ticked loudly from the corridor outside. Breaking the heavy silence inside. Arizona, head still bowed, wiping tears away furiously from her now reddened cheeks. Callie staring at her, open - mouthed, words swirling about her brain in a mélange of confusion and disbelief. Words that somehow could not reach her tongue.
The only other sounds heard was breathing. The steady calm breathing of their baby son coming over the monitor contrasting with their unsteady uneven ones.