OMG, a fic!
Title: "Spare Parts"
Series: Black Butler
Genre: Comedy, General
Characters/Pairings: Sebastian, Will, established SebaCiel and Will/Grell
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,175
Summary: In which a carjacking forges an unlikely friendship and kicks some long-unwelcome baggage to the curb.
Notes: Takes place in crescent_moony's "Bicentennial" series, post-H&K. Vaguely references the second musical and the Story of Will the Reaper.
To Read:
In the time following Sebastian and Ciel's wedding, the happy couple had somehow wound up getting into the habit of taking joint vacations with another supernatural twosome, William and Grelle, much like extended double-dating. And while for the most part, this worked out swimmingly, Grelle having proved herself a true friend to them both, her husband was a somewhat different story.
And now, the worst of all possible situations.
This year's trip had led them to Atlantic City, NJ. Grelle, having taken it upon herself to be the ideal "cool big sis" to Sebastian's diminutive soulmate, had booked an extensive spa visit for herself and Ciel - one that would last the entire length of the day - leaving her husband to spend nearly eight hours in the company of the demon he detested more than anyone else in the world.
Yes, William T Spears was going to need a good, stiff drink to get through this day.
As both men parted ways with their significant others, William climbed behind the wheel of his wife's red Firebird, announcing his intent to locate the nearest pub and camp out, either until it was time to return to the spa for dinner or until he drank himself completely numb to the company he'd be keeping. A wry smile quirked at the edges of Sebastian's lips.
"Mind if I join you?"
William gave a weary sigh and inserted Grelle's charm-bedecked keys into the ignition as Sebastian climbed into the passenger's seat beside him.
"If you must."
As they pulled out of the spa parking lot, Sebastian began rifling through the hot rod's glove compartment, searching for something.
"I believe Grelle's GPS has a restaurant-locating function installed. Since we're unfamiliar with this area, we can use it to determine--"
"Put that infernal machine away, demon," William rebuked sternly, "we've had it squawking at us for the entire duration of this trip, I won't endure a second more of that nonsense."
Sebastian's eyebrows raised slightly in disbelief, but he quickly replaced the device without another word.
---
Even in the nicest resort towns - but especially in Jersey - it only takes a few wrong turns before one may find oneself smack-dab in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, USA. It was after a few such wrong turns - William vehemently condemning Sebastian's suggestions that they stop and ask for directions - that the two finally settled on the first run-down dive they came across, merely so they could take a break from driving any longer.
It was clear from the moment they strode through the bar doors that they didn't quite fit in at this particular establishment. Here were two preternaturally good-looking men, dressed as though they'd just come from a GQ photo shoot, in what was obviously one of the seediest biker bars located in the Upper 48.
Sebastian's sixth sense informed him almost immediately that they weren't about to receive a warm welcome, but William seemed oblivious and strode right up to the bartender, ordering himself an old-fashioned gin and tonic. Sebastian had only just seated himself beside his unwilling compatriot when he felt a sudden jab at his shoulder from behind.
Both men turned around to examine the source of the disturbance and found themselves eye-to-eye with a man burly enough to put most pro wrestlers to shame. It was clear the man had already been drinking quite a bit that day. As is said, it's five o' clock somewhere, right?
"Th-the hell you two doin' here?" the man slurred, placing one meaty elbow on the bar beside them to steady himself, "I ain't seen you before... And I know everyone 'round these parts," he chuckled, as though enjoying a private joke only he found amusing, "Bet you got lost lookin' for one of them gay bars, am I right? You look like a couple of queers."
"Funny," Sebastian mused drily, not missing a beat, "your mother would have said differently last night."
William snorted under his breath despite himself, even as their (now increasingly red-faced) assailant looked ready to pop an artery.
"You sonnuva bitch, I'll tear you a new assho--"
The thug was cut off by a loud CLUNK, as the bartender returned with William's drink and gave the men a stern look.
"There will be no physical altercations in my establishment, gentlemen," clearly this was the voice of a man who meant business, "now, seeing as these two have just ordered their beverages and you, good sir, have only been adding to your tab thus far, I would ask that you kindly vacate the premises until you can either put up or shut up."
The incensed patron shot the bartender a dirty look, but began heading towards the door, his grimace of displeasure slowly becoming a wicked grin as he spotted something outside in the parking lot. A little red flag shot up in Sebastian's mind, but before he could voice it...
"Honestly, a 'your mama' joke?" William sneered incredulously, "No wonder you get along so well with that boy of yours, you certainly have the mentality of a 13 year-old."
Sebastian frowned and crossed his arms indignantly. It was one thing to insult him or his lineage, but commenting at the expense of his paramour was hitting a little below the belt, in his opinion. Thusly did his suspicions vanish, replaced instead with quiet displeasure.
---
The problem became obvious roughly an hour and a half later, after both of them had determined they'd had quite enough of that bar, thank you, and returned to their parking space in the gravel lot just outside. Grelle's car, however, was nowhere to be seen. William stared at the space for a while, as though willing the car to appear where it should have been.
"William..." Sebastian began cautiously, "You did remember to lock the car earlier, didn't you?"
The reaper was silent.
"Didn't you?"
"No, demon, I did not!" William replied, irritated, "Nor would I have needed to had you not instigated such a conflict with that ruffian earlier!"
Sebastian shook his head wearily. Intelligent though his reaper comrade might be, he was seriously lacking in some common sense. Really, who in this day and age didn't lock up their car when in unknown territory?
William suddenly went as white as a sheet, likely imagining himself on the business end of his wife's chainsaw.
"Grelle adores that car. It and Cardenio are like children to her."
(Incidentally, Cardenio was currently being looked after by Ronald and Finny - dogsitters extraordinaire - along with Sebastian's cat Georgina. But those adventures happen to be a tale for another day.)
And while Sebastian couldn't help but feel as though William had brought these troubles upon himself, no one would be enjoying themselves once Grelle discovered what had happened to her beloved Firebird. And Sebastian had no desire to be on the receiving end of his own spouse's displeasure were their "family vacation" to be spoiled by such calamitous happenings.
The demon let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes briefly to concentrate. After a moment, he reopened them and spoke.
"It would seem the perpetrator - or rather, perpetrators - took that road inland," he explained, gesturing in the direction of an unkempt dirt road that veered off into the distance to the left.
"Very well," William responded, adjusting his glasses resolutely, "let's be off, then."
Sebastian raised an eyebrow.
"So... We're just going to walk?"
"Until we track down those car thieves and bring them to justice, yes. We walk."
"I thought the reapers had a rather strict policy of non-interference in human matters," Sebastian rebuffed, amused.
"I never said I was going to kill them," William replied, a somewhat sadistic expression forming upon his features, "though that doesn't mean I can't make them wish they'd never been born."
Sebastian decided that his best response was silence, so he merely shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks and followed behind the resolute reaper as they headed off into a thicket of trees.
---
The thicket, as it turned out, was more than a thicket, with enormous coniferous giants stretching off in every direction alongside the narrow highway upon which they found themselves traveling. They had been walking for well over five hours, with no signs of civilization in sight.
"Confounded..." William muttered to himself, drawing a handkerchief from the pocket of his polo shirt and wiping his brow with it, "Where the devil could they have ferreted themselves away to? And how did a beach resort suddenly become this endless forest?"
"The Pine Barrens," Sebastian began, with all the gravitas of a university professor, "also known as the Pinelands. A heavily forested area of coastal plain stretching across southern New Jersey. In fact, the name 'pine barrens' refers to the area's sandy, acidic, nutrient-poor soil, to which the crops originally imported by European settlers didn't take well. These uncommon conditions enable the Pine Barrens to support a unique and diverse spectrum of plant life, including orchids and carnivorous--"
"Oh, do shut up, demon," William wheezed, his face suddenly taking on a strange, vaguely confused expression.
"You...don't look terribly well over there, do you?" Sebastian paused, a look of slight concern on his face. The sun was blazing above them with a not-inconsequential sort of intensity, as it had been all day.
"I'm fine," the reaper replied through gritted teeth, "and while unlike you, I do need to eat, drink and sleep at some point, I'll be fine until we've properly dealt with these reprobates."
"You've stopped sweating," Sebastian observed, narrowing his eyes slightly, "William, I think you might be on the verge of having a heat stro--"
But before he could finish that thought, William collapsed in a heap in front of him.
"...Well, shit."
---
William awoke to find himself staring upwards at a creaky old ceiling fan, in what was unmistakably a dingy old roadside inn. He glanced around the ill-furnished room to find his unwanted travel companion sitting in a stained recliner beside the bed, idly flipping through a battered gossip magazine with what could easily be mistaken for mild interest.
"Have you...checked us into...the Bates Motel?" William managed to croak, his throat feeling unnaturally dry and clammy.
"Ah, you're awake," Sebastian observed, "and making pop culture references, that's a new one."
"Obviously I'm awake," William responded, annoyed, "and Hitchcock is in no way 'pop' culture, demon."
Sebastian shrugged with open amusement.
"Whatever you say. There's some water over there," he said, directing William's attention to a mug resting on the bedside table beside him, "and don't worry, I haven't poisoned it. Though I won't deny the thought may have occurred to me..."
William needed no more prompting. He quickly downed the thirst-quenching beverage and took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves.
"So..." he began hesitantly, "What exactly just happened?"
"Well, you collapsed in the middle of one of the country's larger national reserves, leaving me to find you a safe place to recover with no time, no resources (save my own) and, lest we forget, absolutely no means of transportation."
"How... How did we get here?" William ventured.
"I had to carry you."
William's face took on a variety of different shades, beginning with a sort of greenish tinge and making its way to a humiliated crimson.
"Fireman-style, if that eases your pride any."
It didn't.
Suddenly, though, a far more troubling thought occurred to William. It was dark outside.
"Wait, wh-what time is it?" he glanced around frantically, searching for any kind of time-measuring device in the room.
"It is..." Sebastian trailed off, "Approximately 7:30...ish. In the evening."
"B-but... The spa... We were supposed to pick up... Have you tried to contact them?"
"About that," Sebastian continued with a resigned sigh, carding his fingers through his long, silken hair, "if you'll recall, we left our cell phones in the car... You know, the one that got stolen?"
"Well, yes, obviously," William countered, irritated, "but surely this motel has a phone system! Yes, see? Here, right here." He gestured angrily to a grungy rotary phone placed atop a wobbly desk in the room's far corner.
"When I say 'our' cell phones," Sebastian continued, with the patience of a veritable saint, "I mean all of our cell phones. Grelle and Ciel's included."
"So, we have no way of contacting them?" William answered, a look of quiet horror spreading across his features. The spa their significant others had been attending was made up of a series of thatched huts, priding itself on its naturalism and sustainability. It was doubtful there'd be a phone system available for them to call. Sometimes he really hated his wife's more obscure fancies.
"Well, not entirely..." Sebastian explained, "Ciel and I are always connected by our contract seal, meaning he could reach out to me at any time and confirm our whereabouts. One of the many perks of being a demon."
William decided to let that 'perks' remark slide for the moment.
"But strangely enough," Sebastian murmured, seeming rather perplexed, "he has...yet to do so."
"And you? Could you reach out to him?"
"Normally, yes. But for some reason, he seems to be... How do I explain this... Out of range, so to speak?"
William blinked. Out of range?
"It's probably nothing to be concerned about," the demon concluded, "he does this quite often, whenever he feels the need for privacy. If he were to become genuinely concerned, he'd be able to determine I'm still alive, at the very least... Though, I must say, you might not have been, had I not gotten you cooled down in time." Sebastian crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"Honestly... It feels as though I'm constantly owing my life to complete imbeciles. How embarrassing..."
"And you're very welcome," Sebastian replied, with faux-cheer, "I can only assume you're making a reference to when a certain bespectacled redhead saved your life as a wee novice? Grelle mentioned it to me once," he clarified, upon seeing William's look of surprise.
"Yes," the reaper snorted, "a debt which remained unpaid until nearly a century later, during that Jack the Ripper debacle. Thanks to you, in fact. Let's just hope it doesn't take as long to repay this one..."
"Am I mistaken, or did you just circuitously thank me for my attempted murder of your wife?"
"That's not what I meant and you know it, demon," William hissed, "don't go twisting my words."
Sebastian's eyebrow twitched with irritation. A man could only take so much abuse, verbal or otherwise...
"You know, you're lucky I've grown so fond of your wife, because I'm beginning to wish I'd left you to die in that forest. As much fun as I admittedly have driving you bonkers, I certainly wouldn't miss having you around... I know she would, though, which is the only reason you're even still alive right now, so do show a bit of gratitude, hmm?"
This seemed to be the final straw for William.
"Fond of her? You're fond of her? Now listen here, demon, I can't even begin to imagine what she ever saw in you, but listen closely! She chose me, alright? She chose me and you even have your own little husband now, so why do you continue to torment me by feeding into her affections like this?!"
For a moment, there seemed to be a brief ringing noise in the background as silence fell over the stuffy motel room.
And then Sebastian began to laugh: a hearty, unbridled laugh that made William's hackles rise in indignation.
"What, exactly, is so funny, demon?"
"I'm sorry, it's just..." Sebastian wiped traces of mirth from the corners of his eyes as he replied, "I mean, is this really what this has been about all this time? Jealousy? Are you really that thick?"
William sputtered indignantly.
"Listen, Will. William. Mr Spears. Whatever. I don't know why this even needs saying at this point, but I have absolutely no romantic designs on your wife, nor have I ever. And to be honest, I can't believe a well-grounded man like yourself honestly feels threatened by any 'crush' she may have had on me all those years ago... Really, did you never notice what it was all those former objects of her affection had in common?"
"In...common?" William's brow furrowed.
"Yes. Tall, dark, stern, emotionally distant... Any of this sounding familiar?" When no response came, Sebastian gave a sigh of exasperation, "Let's put this another way, do you happen to recall when exactly she became a (excuse the expression) man-crazed psychopath?"
"I suppose... During our first mission together, right before she saved my life. She went from begrudging my very existence with every fiber of her being to suddenly worshipping the ground I walked on. I still can't understand why. Before that she'd seemed completely self-absorbed, utterly wrapped up in her own ambitions..."
"Well, that's it then," Sebastian concluded, "that was when she began chasing after you. And make no mistake, it's only ever been you she's chased after. The few times I even slightly reciprocated her interests - merely to further my own ends, you understand - she immediately distanced herself."
That got William's attention.
"Now, then... Do you believe me?"
William slowly raised his eyes to meet the demon's and nodded soberly.
"It would seem I've misjudged you - and for that, I apologize," with this admonition, a change appeared to come over the reaper, "I suppose... I suppose I've always known, on some level, that my worries were unfounded. It's just... I could never understand why it was that she fell in love with me. I still can't, to be honest. I mean... Honestly... She's given me so much during our time together. What could I possibly have to offer that she'd want?"
Sebastian was mildly shocked by the reaper's candor, but chalked it up to the heat exhaustion and alcohol from earlier.
"Well," the demon responded, with a sudden and faraway look in his eyes, "if there's anything I've learned from my time with Ciel, it's that love happens when you least expect it - and often for no discernible reason at all."
"Yes..." William responded quietly, averting his eyes, the faintest dusting of pink upon his cheeks, "I... I suppose it does."
Sebastian gave a bemused smile. Looks like the merciless taskmaster has a heart after all...
---
After a few more hours of rest, the two finally decided to check out of the greasy deathtrap and resume their quest. The middle-aged woman behind the cheap linoleum countertop gave William a knowing smile - and when she thought Sebastian was out of earshot - leaned over to whisper in his ear.
"You're a lucky man to have such a doting husband, if you don't mind me saying so, sir."
"I... I beg your pardon?"
Sebastian looked vaguely horrified as he suddenly came forward with a flurry of "no, no, ma'am, you misunderstood," leaving William to stand there in the middle of the lobby, looking and feeling vaguely like an idiot.
"And just what the hell was that all about, demon?"
William had waited until they had exited the building before starting in on Sebastian.
"Well," Sebastian explained sheepishly, "while I was waiting for you to regain consciousness, I happened to make a bit of small talk with the manager - you see, ever since we've gotten married, I can never resist bragging on my beloved baby bird - but it would seem," Sebastian grimaced in obvious discomfort, "it would seem that she had the misfortune of interpreting your particular brand of prickliness as similar to how I'd described my Ciel and naturally jumped to the wrong conclusion... And since we partook of their room for such a short while, she probably assumed we were--"
Both men blanched at one another, turning varying shades of green.
"Shall we agree to never speak of this again?"
"Agreed."
---
It was the middle of the night before the two managed to find their way to their targets. In the outskirts of a small town, a large workshop with rusty aluminum siding loomed ahead, ear-splitting whirring and ratcheting emerging from within. Sebastian's heart sank.
"William, hold on a moment. I think this is a ch--"
But William simply strode inside as if he owned the place.
Never to be one to get in the way of a man's dispersal of justice, Sebastian merely waited outside while William dispatched the men inside with deadly efficiency, lecturing all the while. Even if he'd been gentler with them, Sebastian wouldn't have been surprised if they'd still woken up with headaches from the reaper's scathing words alone.
Finally, when all had become quiet, Sebastian ventured inside to find William searching the workshop in confusion.
"Where's the car? This is the right place, yes? They were the same men..."
"The car is here..." Sebastian began hesitantly, before gesturing in several directions around them, "and here, and here, and here, and here, and here."
The blood drained from William's face.
"This is a chop shop."
"It would appear so, yes."
"My wife is going to kill me."
"Well, perhaps not," Sebastian replied, a devious smile forming on his lips.
William raised his eyebrows expectantly.
"Ten seconds flat."
"Excuse me?"
"That's how long it will take me to reassemble the car, when utilizing my full demonic abilities. So long as that would not offend you, sir."
"N-no, but..." William cleared his throat awkwardly, "You'd really help me after how shamefully I've treated you?"
"Of course. After all, what are friends for?"
Friends? William looked on in bewilderment as Sebastian went to town recreating the car, as good as new. A rueful smile slowly appeared on his face. Clearly, finding happiness in love did wonders for a demon's amiability. And - though he'd be loath to admit it - most likely a reaper's as well. He never thought he'd see the day he would consider a demon a friend, or that he would ever be considered a friend to one in return.
"Thank you, demo-- I mean... Sebastian."
---
As the sun rose the next morning, the two finally made their way back to the Atlantic City spa. Rushing to the front desk, expecting any combination of fury and malice from their respective spouses, they were shocked when the receptionist merely presented them with a note.
It was written with a red sharpie, in a loopy handwriting that was unmistakably Grelle's:
Hello, my darling boys! Since we left our phones in the car with you, we're leaving this note to let you know where it is we'll be going. There's the most fabulous casino just down the street and we simply couldn't resist giving it a try once we'd finished with our seaweed facials - you're going to love how smooth my skin is now, Will - and my partner in crime has the most devious plan for getting the most out of those slot machines. Hush-hush! We'll probably be pulling an all-nighter, so you two don't worry about a thing and just find a nice place to relax until tomorrow morning. We'll meet you back at the spa entrance at 9am sharp! Love ya mean it! XOXO Grelle
"9am sharp..." Sebastian murmured.
"But, isn't that--"
"Five minutes from now, yes."
"So you're saying--"
"They never even knew we were gone, right."
"And--"
"That's why Ciel never bothered to contact me, exactly."
The two men glanced at each other, and then, simultaneously: "Honestly."
---
Ciel and Grelle walked side-by-side down the boardwalk, their pockets significantly - and not altogether legally - heavier than before, keeping an eye out for their respective husbands as they made their way back towards the spa. They were rather shocked at what they found, however.
Sebastian and William seemed to have both dissolved into utter hysterics, with the demon scarcely able to restrain his chuckling and the reaper grabbing hold of the other's shoulder to steady himself as he laughed. The two looked for all the world as though they'd been the best of friends all their life.
Their significant others stopped in their tracks and exchanged a look. Even though Grelle had known William for nearly two and a half centuries, she could count the times she'd seen him laugh on one hand - and the last time Ciel had seen him like this had been in a surreal fever dream between life and death.
"Ciel-dear," Grelle remarked lightly, "it would seem our husbands have been replaced by some manner of alien lifeforms."
"Er, yes, quite..." Ciel replied, confused - but not unpleasantly so. Huh. Just when he thought he'd seen everything.
And as the two couples reunited, an unprecedented sense of ease fell over the group. At the very least, it would seem that both Sebastian and William had found themselves a new drinking buddy.
But next time, they'd be sure to lock the car first.
Series: Black Butler
Genre: Comedy, General
Characters/Pairings: Sebastian, Will, established SebaCiel and Will/Grell
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,175
Summary: In which a carjacking forges an unlikely friendship and kicks some long-unwelcome baggage to the curb.
Notes: Takes place in crescent_moony's "Bicentennial" series, post-H&K. Vaguely references the second musical and the Story of Will the Reaper.
To Read:
In the time following Sebastian and Ciel's wedding, the happy couple had somehow wound up getting into the habit of taking joint vacations with another supernatural twosome, William and Grelle, much like extended double-dating. And while for the most part, this worked out swimmingly, Grelle having proved herself a true friend to them both, her husband was a somewhat different story.
And now, the worst of all possible situations.
This year's trip had led them to Atlantic City, NJ. Grelle, having taken it upon herself to be the ideal "cool big sis" to Sebastian's diminutive soulmate, had booked an extensive spa visit for herself and Ciel - one that would last the entire length of the day - leaving her husband to spend nearly eight hours in the company of the demon he detested more than anyone else in the world.
Yes, William T Spears was going to need a good, stiff drink to get through this day.
As both men parted ways with their significant others, William climbed behind the wheel of his wife's red Firebird, announcing his intent to locate the nearest pub and camp out, either until it was time to return to the spa for dinner or until he drank himself completely numb to the company he'd be keeping. A wry smile quirked at the edges of Sebastian's lips.
"Mind if I join you?"
William gave a weary sigh and inserted Grelle's charm-bedecked keys into the ignition as Sebastian climbed into the passenger's seat beside him.
"If you must."
As they pulled out of the spa parking lot, Sebastian began rifling through the hot rod's glove compartment, searching for something.
"I believe Grelle's GPS has a restaurant-locating function installed. Since we're unfamiliar with this area, we can use it to determine--"
"Put that infernal machine away, demon," William rebuked sternly, "we've had it squawking at us for the entire duration of this trip, I won't endure a second more of that nonsense."
Sebastian's eyebrows raised slightly in disbelief, but he quickly replaced the device without another word.
---
Even in the nicest resort towns - but especially in Jersey - it only takes a few wrong turns before one may find oneself smack-dab in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, USA. It was after a few such wrong turns - William vehemently condemning Sebastian's suggestions that they stop and ask for directions - that the two finally settled on the first run-down dive they came across, merely so they could take a break from driving any longer.
It was clear from the moment they strode through the bar doors that they didn't quite fit in at this particular establishment. Here were two preternaturally good-looking men, dressed as though they'd just come from a GQ photo shoot, in what was obviously one of the seediest biker bars located in the Upper 48.
Sebastian's sixth sense informed him almost immediately that they weren't about to receive a warm welcome, but William seemed oblivious and strode right up to the bartender, ordering himself an old-fashioned gin and tonic. Sebastian had only just seated himself beside his unwilling compatriot when he felt a sudden jab at his shoulder from behind.
Both men turned around to examine the source of the disturbance and found themselves eye-to-eye with a man burly enough to put most pro wrestlers to shame. It was clear the man had already been drinking quite a bit that day. As is said, it's five o' clock somewhere, right?
"Th-the hell you two doin' here?" the man slurred, placing one meaty elbow on the bar beside them to steady himself, "I ain't seen you before... And I know everyone 'round these parts," he chuckled, as though enjoying a private joke only he found amusing, "Bet you got lost lookin' for one of them gay bars, am I right? You look like a couple of queers."
"Funny," Sebastian mused drily, not missing a beat, "your mother would have said differently last night."
William snorted under his breath despite himself, even as their (now increasingly red-faced) assailant looked ready to pop an artery.
"You sonnuva bitch, I'll tear you a new assho--"
The thug was cut off by a loud CLUNK, as the bartender returned with William's drink and gave the men a stern look.
"There will be no physical altercations in my establishment, gentlemen," clearly this was the voice of a man who meant business, "now, seeing as these two have just ordered their beverages and you, good sir, have only been adding to your tab thus far, I would ask that you kindly vacate the premises until you can either put up or shut up."
The incensed patron shot the bartender a dirty look, but began heading towards the door, his grimace of displeasure slowly becoming a wicked grin as he spotted something outside in the parking lot. A little red flag shot up in Sebastian's mind, but before he could voice it...
"Honestly, a 'your mama' joke?" William sneered incredulously, "No wonder you get along so well with that boy of yours, you certainly have the mentality of a 13 year-old."
Sebastian frowned and crossed his arms indignantly. It was one thing to insult him or his lineage, but commenting at the expense of his paramour was hitting a little below the belt, in his opinion. Thusly did his suspicions vanish, replaced instead with quiet displeasure.
---
The problem became obvious roughly an hour and a half later, after both of them had determined they'd had quite enough of that bar, thank you, and returned to their parking space in the gravel lot just outside. Grelle's car, however, was nowhere to be seen. William stared at the space for a while, as though willing the car to appear where it should have been.
"William..." Sebastian began cautiously, "You did remember to lock the car earlier, didn't you?"
The reaper was silent.
"Didn't you?"
"No, demon, I did not!" William replied, irritated, "Nor would I have needed to had you not instigated such a conflict with that ruffian earlier!"
Sebastian shook his head wearily. Intelligent though his reaper comrade might be, he was seriously lacking in some common sense. Really, who in this day and age didn't lock up their car when in unknown territory?
William suddenly went as white as a sheet, likely imagining himself on the business end of his wife's chainsaw.
"Grelle adores that car. It and Cardenio are like children to her."
(Incidentally, Cardenio was currently being looked after by Ronald and Finny - dogsitters extraordinaire - along with Sebastian's cat Georgina. But those adventures happen to be a tale for another day.)
And while Sebastian couldn't help but feel as though William had brought these troubles upon himself, no one would be enjoying themselves once Grelle discovered what had happened to her beloved Firebird. And Sebastian had no desire to be on the receiving end of his own spouse's displeasure were their "family vacation" to be spoiled by such calamitous happenings.
The demon let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes briefly to concentrate. After a moment, he reopened them and spoke.
"It would seem the perpetrator - or rather, perpetrators - took that road inland," he explained, gesturing in the direction of an unkempt dirt road that veered off into the distance to the left.
"Very well," William responded, adjusting his glasses resolutely, "let's be off, then."
Sebastian raised an eyebrow.
"So... We're just going to walk?"
"Until we track down those car thieves and bring them to justice, yes. We walk."
"I thought the reapers had a rather strict policy of non-interference in human matters," Sebastian rebuffed, amused.
"I never said I was going to kill them," William replied, a somewhat sadistic expression forming upon his features, "though that doesn't mean I can't make them wish they'd never been born."
Sebastian decided that his best response was silence, so he merely shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks and followed behind the resolute reaper as they headed off into a thicket of trees.
---
The thicket, as it turned out, was more than a thicket, with enormous coniferous giants stretching off in every direction alongside the narrow highway upon which they found themselves traveling. They had been walking for well over five hours, with no signs of civilization in sight.
"Confounded..." William muttered to himself, drawing a handkerchief from the pocket of his polo shirt and wiping his brow with it, "Where the devil could they have ferreted themselves away to? And how did a beach resort suddenly become this endless forest?"
"The Pine Barrens," Sebastian began, with all the gravitas of a university professor, "also known as the Pinelands. A heavily forested area of coastal plain stretching across southern New Jersey. In fact, the name 'pine barrens' refers to the area's sandy, acidic, nutrient-poor soil, to which the crops originally imported by European settlers didn't take well. These uncommon conditions enable the Pine Barrens to support a unique and diverse spectrum of plant life, including orchids and carnivorous--"
"Oh, do shut up, demon," William wheezed, his face suddenly taking on a strange, vaguely confused expression.
"You...don't look terribly well over there, do you?" Sebastian paused, a look of slight concern on his face. The sun was blazing above them with a not-inconsequential sort of intensity, as it had been all day.
"I'm fine," the reaper replied through gritted teeth, "and while unlike you, I do need to eat, drink and sleep at some point, I'll be fine until we've properly dealt with these reprobates."
"You've stopped sweating," Sebastian observed, narrowing his eyes slightly, "William, I think you might be on the verge of having a heat stro--"
But before he could finish that thought, William collapsed in a heap in front of him.
"...Well, shit."
---
William awoke to find himself staring upwards at a creaky old ceiling fan, in what was unmistakably a dingy old roadside inn. He glanced around the ill-furnished room to find his unwanted travel companion sitting in a stained recliner beside the bed, idly flipping through a battered gossip magazine with what could easily be mistaken for mild interest.
"Have you...checked us into...the Bates Motel?" William managed to croak, his throat feeling unnaturally dry and clammy.
"Ah, you're awake," Sebastian observed, "and making pop culture references, that's a new one."
"Obviously I'm awake," William responded, annoyed, "and Hitchcock is in no way 'pop' culture, demon."
Sebastian shrugged with open amusement.
"Whatever you say. There's some water over there," he said, directing William's attention to a mug resting on the bedside table beside him, "and don't worry, I haven't poisoned it. Though I won't deny the thought may have occurred to me..."
William needed no more prompting. He quickly downed the thirst-quenching beverage and took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves.
"So..." he began hesitantly, "What exactly just happened?"
"Well, you collapsed in the middle of one of the country's larger national reserves, leaving me to find you a safe place to recover with no time, no resources (save my own) and, lest we forget, absolutely no means of transportation."
"How... How did we get here?" William ventured.
"I had to carry you."
William's face took on a variety of different shades, beginning with a sort of greenish tinge and making its way to a humiliated crimson.
"Fireman-style, if that eases your pride any."
It didn't.
Suddenly, though, a far more troubling thought occurred to William. It was dark outside.
"Wait, wh-what time is it?" he glanced around frantically, searching for any kind of time-measuring device in the room.
"It is..." Sebastian trailed off, "Approximately 7:30...ish. In the evening."
"B-but... The spa... We were supposed to pick up... Have you tried to contact them?"
"About that," Sebastian continued with a resigned sigh, carding his fingers through his long, silken hair, "if you'll recall, we left our cell phones in the car... You know, the one that got stolen?"
"Well, yes, obviously," William countered, irritated, "but surely this motel has a phone system! Yes, see? Here, right here." He gestured angrily to a grungy rotary phone placed atop a wobbly desk in the room's far corner.
"When I say 'our' cell phones," Sebastian continued, with the patience of a veritable saint, "I mean all of our cell phones. Grelle and Ciel's included."
"So, we have no way of contacting them?" William answered, a look of quiet horror spreading across his features. The spa their significant others had been attending was made up of a series of thatched huts, priding itself on its naturalism and sustainability. It was doubtful there'd be a phone system available for them to call. Sometimes he really hated his wife's more obscure fancies.
"Well, not entirely..." Sebastian explained, "Ciel and I are always connected by our contract seal, meaning he could reach out to me at any time and confirm our whereabouts. One of the many perks of being a demon."
William decided to let that 'perks' remark slide for the moment.
"But strangely enough," Sebastian murmured, seeming rather perplexed, "he has...yet to do so."
"And you? Could you reach out to him?"
"Normally, yes. But for some reason, he seems to be... How do I explain this... Out of range, so to speak?"
William blinked. Out of range?
"It's probably nothing to be concerned about," the demon concluded, "he does this quite often, whenever he feels the need for privacy. If he were to become genuinely concerned, he'd be able to determine I'm still alive, at the very least... Though, I must say, you might not have been, had I not gotten you cooled down in time." Sebastian crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"Honestly... It feels as though I'm constantly owing my life to complete imbeciles. How embarrassing..."
"And you're very welcome," Sebastian replied, with faux-cheer, "I can only assume you're making a reference to when a certain bespectacled redhead saved your life as a wee novice? Grelle mentioned it to me once," he clarified, upon seeing William's look of surprise.
"Yes," the reaper snorted, "a debt which remained unpaid until nearly a century later, during that Jack the Ripper debacle. Thanks to you, in fact. Let's just hope it doesn't take as long to repay this one..."
"Am I mistaken, or did you just circuitously thank me for my attempted murder of your wife?"
"That's not what I meant and you know it, demon," William hissed, "don't go twisting my words."
Sebastian's eyebrow twitched with irritation. A man could only take so much abuse, verbal or otherwise...
"You know, you're lucky I've grown so fond of your wife, because I'm beginning to wish I'd left you to die in that forest. As much fun as I admittedly have driving you bonkers, I certainly wouldn't miss having you around... I know she would, though, which is the only reason you're even still alive right now, so do show a bit of gratitude, hmm?"
This seemed to be the final straw for William.
"Fond of her? You're fond of her? Now listen here, demon, I can't even begin to imagine what she ever saw in you, but listen closely! She chose me, alright? She chose me and you even have your own little husband now, so why do you continue to torment me by feeding into her affections like this?!"
For a moment, there seemed to be a brief ringing noise in the background as silence fell over the stuffy motel room.
And then Sebastian began to laugh: a hearty, unbridled laugh that made William's hackles rise in indignation.
"What, exactly, is so funny, demon?"
"I'm sorry, it's just..." Sebastian wiped traces of mirth from the corners of his eyes as he replied, "I mean, is this really what this has been about all this time? Jealousy? Are you really that thick?"
William sputtered indignantly.
"Listen, Will. William. Mr Spears. Whatever. I don't know why this even needs saying at this point, but I have absolutely no romantic designs on your wife, nor have I ever. And to be honest, I can't believe a well-grounded man like yourself honestly feels threatened by any 'crush' she may have had on me all those years ago... Really, did you never notice what it was all those former objects of her affection had in common?"
"In...common?" William's brow furrowed.
"Yes. Tall, dark, stern, emotionally distant... Any of this sounding familiar?" When no response came, Sebastian gave a sigh of exasperation, "Let's put this another way, do you happen to recall when exactly she became a (excuse the expression) man-crazed psychopath?"
"I suppose... During our first mission together, right before she saved my life. She went from begrudging my very existence with every fiber of her being to suddenly worshipping the ground I walked on. I still can't understand why. Before that she'd seemed completely self-absorbed, utterly wrapped up in her own ambitions..."
"Well, that's it then," Sebastian concluded, "that was when she began chasing after you. And make no mistake, it's only ever been you she's chased after. The few times I even slightly reciprocated her interests - merely to further my own ends, you understand - she immediately distanced herself."
That got William's attention.
"Now, then... Do you believe me?"
William slowly raised his eyes to meet the demon's and nodded soberly.
"It would seem I've misjudged you - and for that, I apologize," with this admonition, a change appeared to come over the reaper, "I suppose... I suppose I've always known, on some level, that my worries were unfounded. It's just... I could never understand why it was that she fell in love with me. I still can't, to be honest. I mean... Honestly... She's given me so much during our time together. What could I possibly have to offer that she'd want?"
Sebastian was mildly shocked by the reaper's candor, but chalked it up to the heat exhaustion and alcohol from earlier.
"Well," the demon responded, with a sudden and faraway look in his eyes, "if there's anything I've learned from my time with Ciel, it's that love happens when you least expect it - and often for no discernible reason at all."
"Yes..." William responded quietly, averting his eyes, the faintest dusting of pink upon his cheeks, "I... I suppose it does."
Sebastian gave a bemused smile. Looks like the merciless taskmaster has a heart after all...
---
After a few more hours of rest, the two finally decided to check out of the greasy deathtrap and resume their quest. The middle-aged woman behind the cheap linoleum countertop gave William a knowing smile - and when she thought Sebastian was out of earshot - leaned over to whisper in his ear.
"You're a lucky man to have such a doting husband, if you don't mind me saying so, sir."
"I... I beg your pardon?"
Sebastian looked vaguely horrified as he suddenly came forward with a flurry of "no, no, ma'am, you misunderstood," leaving William to stand there in the middle of the lobby, looking and feeling vaguely like an idiot.
"And just what the hell was that all about, demon?"
William had waited until they had exited the building before starting in on Sebastian.
"Well," Sebastian explained sheepishly, "while I was waiting for you to regain consciousness, I happened to make a bit of small talk with the manager - you see, ever since we've gotten married, I can never resist bragging on my beloved baby bird - but it would seem," Sebastian grimaced in obvious discomfort, "it would seem that she had the misfortune of interpreting your particular brand of prickliness as similar to how I'd described my Ciel and naturally jumped to the wrong conclusion... And since we partook of their room for such a short while, she probably assumed we were--"
Both men blanched at one another, turning varying shades of green.
"Shall we agree to never speak of this again?"
"Agreed."
---
It was the middle of the night before the two managed to find their way to their targets. In the outskirts of a small town, a large workshop with rusty aluminum siding loomed ahead, ear-splitting whirring and ratcheting emerging from within. Sebastian's heart sank.
"William, hold on a moment. I think this is a ch--"
But William simply strode inside as if he owned the place.
Never to be one to get in the way of a man's dispersal of justice, Sebastian merely waited outside while William dispatched the men inside with deadly efficiency, lecturing all the while. Even if he'd been gentler with them, Sebastian wouldn't have been surprised if they'd still woken up with headaches from the reaper's scathing words alone.
Finally, when all had become quiet, Sebastian ventured inside to find William searching the workshop in confusion.
"Where's the car? This is the right place, yes? They were the same men..."
"The car is here..." Sebastian began hesitantly, before gesturing in several directions around them, "and here, and here, and here, and here, and here."
The blood drained from William's face.
"This is a chop shop."
"It would appear so, yes."
"My wife is going to kill me."
"Well, perhaps not," Sebastian replied, a devious smile forming on his lips.
William raised his eyebrows expectantly.
"Ten seconds flat."
"Excuse me?"
"That's how long it will take me to reassemble the car, when utilizing my full demonic abilities. So long as that would not offend you, sir."
"N-no, but..." William cleared his throat awkwardly, "You'd really help me after how shamefully I've treated you?"
"Of course. After all, what are friends for?"
Friends? William looked on in bewilderment as Sebastian went to town recreating the car, as good as new. A rueful smile slowly appeared on his face. Clearly, finding happiness in love did wonders for a demon's amiability. And - though he'd be loath to admit it - most likely a reaper's as well. He never thought he'd see the day he would consider a demon a friend, or that he would ever be considered a friend to one in return.
"Thank you, demo-- I mean... Sebastian."
---
As the sun rose the next morning, the two finally made their way back to the Atlantic City spa. Rushing to the front desk, expecting any combination of fury and malice from their respective spouses, they were shocked when the receptionist merely presented them with a note.
It was written with a red sharpie, in a loopy handwriting that was unmistakably Grelle's:
Hello, my darling boys! Since we left our phones in the car with you, we're leaving this note to let you know where it is we'll be going. There's the most fabulous casino just down the street and we simply couldn't resist giving it a try once we'd finished with our seaweed facials - you're going to love how smooth my skin is now, Will - and my partner in crime has the most devious plan for getting the most out of those slot machines. Hush-hush! We'll probably be pulling an all-nighter, so you two don't worry about a thing and just find a nice place to relax until tomorrow morning. We'll meet you back at the spa entrance at 9am sharp! Love ya mean it! XOXO Grelle
"9am sharp..." Sebastian murmured.
"But, isn't that--"
"Five minutes from now, yes."
"So you're saying--"
"They never even knew we were gone, right."
"And--"
"That's why Ciel never bothered to contact me, exactly."
The two men glanced at each other, and then, simultaneously: "Honestly."
---
Ciel and Grelle walked side-by-side down the boardwalk, their pockets significantly - and not altogether legally - heavier than before, keeping an eye out for their respective husbands as they made their way back towards the spa. They were rather shocked at what they found, however.
Sebastian and William seemed to have both dissolved into utter hysterics, with the demon scarcely able to restrain his chuckling and the reaper grabbing hold of the other's shoulder to steady himself as he laughed. The two looked for all the world as though they'd been the best of friends all their life.
Their significant others stopped in their tracks and exchanged a look. Even though Grelle had known William for nearly two and a half centuries, she could count the times she'd seen him laugh on one hand - and the last time Ciel had seen him like this had been in a surreal fever dream between life and death.
"Ciel-dear," Grelle remarked lightly, "it would seem our husbands have been replaced by some manner of alien lifeforms."
"Er, yes, quite..." Ciel replied, confused - but not unpleasantly so. Huh. Just when he thought he'd seen everything.
And as the two couples reunited, an unprecedented sense of ease fell over the group. At the very least, it would seem that both Sebastian and William had found themselves a new drinking buddy.
But next time, they'd be sure to lock the car first.