Re: A Prego Retrospective. Or, I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.
For some reason, I wanted to do a Letterman-style Top 10 Things I've Learned by being Prego.
- Month 1: Yes, it could take you over a year of “trying” to get pregnant. Or you could be pregnant RIGHT NOW. From BREATHING.
- Month 2: Why is it before you’re ready to announce your pregnancy at work, all your officemates want to take you out for drinks?
- Month 3:Another wonderful way to announce the lovely event is to become the Victorian Fainting Lady. At church. When you’re the cantor.
- Month 4: No, I’m not fat, just pregnant, thanks for asking!
- Month 5:Repeat from Month 4. What? So this stage is the boring one!
- Month 6: Miracle? More like Alien. Yeah, THAT scene. I’ll take the special…
- Month 7:You start contemplating how the Not-So-Little Alien Baby is going to get out. Panic attacks followed by ice cream followed by obsessive baby book reading. Rinse, repeat.
- Month 8:When you contemplate that maybe, just maybe, you could get DOWN to the wetland, but that they’d need a crane to get you back UP, it’s time to get out of the field.
- Month 9:When your coworkers are taking bets on whether your stride is more like a Weeble Wobble or an Oompa Loompa, it’s time to go on leave. And also, "barefoot and pregnant" really means "my shoes don't fit,"
- Month 10: 40 years, 40 days, 40 weeks. Some Biblical writer got at least the number part right. And I’m just trying to resist the temptation to play “The Final Countdown” in the delivery room…