M*A*S*H Quotes - Season 1, Part 3
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet
Nancy: I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: War's a dirty business, Lieutenant. None of us should be here.
Nancy: I mean in your tent.
Hawkeye: My tent's dirty business too, but it's a lot more fun than the war.
Nancy: (drinking her martini) Mmm... Mm, this is sensational.
Hawkeye: You're my kind of girl, Nancy... drunk.
(Frank is lying on the floor, in great pain)
Trapper: Frank, do you have a history with your back?
Frank: Oh, it goes out every few years. Last time was VJ Day in Times Square, when this big sailor hugged me.
Hawkeye: Let's get him to the Post-Op ward and string him up. Maybe traction will help.
Frank: Oh, traction helps. Usually a day or two in traction and I...
Trapper: Now wait a minute, Frank. I'm the doctor here.
Hawkeye: I thought I was the doctor here.
Trapper: Actually, we're all doctors here. Even the patient's a doctor here.
Hawkeye: Here, here.
Hawkeye: Henry, you're not gonna endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Margaret: That's "Major" to you, Captain!
Hawkeye: Henry, you're not gonna endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Hawkeye: Listen, what I don't understand is what a guy like you, with your background, is doing here in the infantry. Why aren't you a correspondent, or something?
Tommy: I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace.
Hawkeye: You used to be a Communist!
Tommy: I'm keeping my country safe from me.
Wendell1: I'm a marine. We're the best.
Hawkeye: I'm a coward. We're the worst.
Radar: Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Radar: It's not Hot Lips. It's Radar.
Hawkeye: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
Dead Dad... Again
Hawkeye: 3-0 silk.
Ginger: 3-0-silk.
Hawkeye: Suture scissors.
Ginger: Suture scissors.
Hawkeye: Snoo.
Ginger: "Snoo"? What's "snoo"?
Hawkeye: Nothing much. What's snoo with you?
Frank: Can't you ever be serious?
Hawkeye: I tried it once. Everybody laughed.
Hawkeye: Klinger, do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Klinger: (who is wearing a wedding gown) No, sir.
Hawkeye: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's so easy to go overboard with one of those, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Hawkeye: Just one suggestion: you must wear a slip. With the sun behind you, I could see clear through to your shorts.
Klinger: Of course. And I've got so many slips in my tent.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the x-rays.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: May I ask where you got that?
Klinger: Mail-order catalogue, sir.
Hawkeye: A white wedding gown?
Klinger: I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.
Hawkeye: (writing to his father) "It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly. An amazing kid. I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability - the little fink."
Radar: (who was passing by) Is that a nice thing to say?
(Radar is taking a finals exam in order to get a high-school diploma)
Henry: First question. "What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?"
Radar: The Gettysburg Address.
Henry: "For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?"
Radar: The isosceles triangle.
(Henry looks at Radar with a mock stern face)
Radar: Something wrong?
Henry: No, no. No. No, your answers are right. You just memorized them in the wrong order.
Hawkeye: Knock, knock.
Trapper: Who's there?
Hawkeye: Abe Lincoln.
Trapper: Abe Lincoln who?
Hawkeye: Don't you know me? (laughs uproariously)
Trapper: That's awful.
Hawkeye: OK, can I do another one?
Trapper: No!
Hawkeye: Knock, knock.
Trapper: (very annoyed) Who's there?
Hawkeye: Thomas Jefferson.
Trapper: Thomas Jefferson who?
Hawkeye: Was Abe Lincoln just here? (bursts out laughing again)
Trapper: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.
Hawkeye: I gotta hand it to you, Frank. You got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth.
Frank: (VERY drunk, singing) A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I... I got a gal in Kalamazoo!
Hawkeye: Frank?
Frank: Zoo.
Hawkeye: Frank?
Frank: Yo!
Hawkeye: If you don't stop singing, I'll glue your tongue down!
Frank: Oh, don't be a party pooper. Or a pooter parpy. (laughs)
Trapper: Frank, the party's over. It's a quarter to three.
Frank: (singing) And there's no one in the place except you and me...
Hawkeye: Frank, you take requests?
Frank: Anything.
Hawkeye: Shut your cakehole.
Frank: (sings) Oh, shut your cakehole / The more I want you...
Trapper: Come on, Frank, knock it off! Close your eyes!
Frank: If I close my eyes, my brain won't get any air.
Hawkeye: Your what?
Frank: I got a brain, you know! I got a brain as big as hers are!
Trapper: Right, pal. Right, buddy.
Frank: Pal and buddy.
Hawkeye: I sure hope that's not a song.
(Frank goes to the still to get more gin)
Hawkeye: (throwing a pillow at Frank's face) Get away from there, Frank. We're closed.
Frank: (sitting on Trapper's cot) You know, no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy" in my whole rotten life. You know what my own brother used to call me? My own brother? Ferret Face. (he moves on to Hawkeye's cot) Can you imagine that? Do you think I look like a weasel?
Hawkeye: No, Frank, you're very handsome.
Frank: Honest?
Hawkeye: Honest.
Frank: Really?
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) Do you think he looks like a weasel?
Trapper: Who?
Hawkeye: Ferret Face!
Frank: Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.
Hawkeye: Frank, go to sleep. You look beautiful.
Trapper: Say, you sure you don't love me just for my body?
Hawkeye: Believe me, Frank, that's the last thing we love about you. Go to sleep.
The Longjohn Flap
Trapper: Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Yeah?
Trapper: I'll give you $20 for that pair of longjohns.
Hawkeye: (laughs) Are you kidding? I wouldn't take 12 of your toes for these. I'm warm, warm, do you hear? Warm! (cackles)
Trapper: I'll give you $50 and a picture of my children.
Hawkeye: Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bedplate.
Trapper: $60, you can have the children!
Hawkeye: Thanks, but I have no place to keep them.
Frank: I'm reducing you to Corporal.
Cook: Sir, are you busting me?
Frank: Yes. And with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course.
Cook: My invalid wife is dependent on my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.
Frank: Is this the same wife you had when you poisoned me?
Cook: Yes, sir.
Frank: As I remember, I couldn't punish you then because your wife had just died.
Cook: Oh, she got better. See, they only thought that she was dead. She was stiff and everything. But it was nothing. Her death was all in her head.
Hawkeye: Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth.
Frank: (to Klinger) The next time we meet, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
Klinger: I'd like to ask your advice on a spiritual matter.
Father Mulcahy: Certainly.
Klinger: If you need something - I mean, if you're really cold or something - it wouldn't be a mortal sin to steal something from somebody who was kind of a rotten person anyway, would it?
Father Mulcahy: Have you stolen something?
Klinger: (showing him the longjohns) These.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, my. Aren't they nice. Whoever you took these from must be very cold right now.
Klinger: Father, if I give 'em, back, the certain person I took them from would like to have me killed. I've really been trying to avoid that lately.
Father Mulcahy: I see.
Klinger: I can hear the artillery going off every night when I go to sleep. Every night it keeps getting closer. I can't stand it any more.
Father Mulcahy: Yes, I know. I hear it too.
Klinger: You hear it too?
Father Mulcahy: Yes, it gets closer every night.
Klinger: I'm really in trouble. I was just making that up.
Hawkeye: Is Henry in?
Radar: (peeking into the office, where Henry is putting on the longjohns) Some of him is. But most of him is still hanging out.
Radar: (over PA) Attention. Here's the announcement you've been waiting for. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father of a bouncing baby appendix.
The Army-Navy Game
Father Mulcahy: Good morning, Radar.
Radar: Hi, Father. I thought you might bet the football pool. For ten bucks, this time tomorrow you could be $1,000 richer.
Father Mulcahy: All the wealth I want, you can find in here. (points to his Bible)
Radar: Oh, is that where you keep it?
Radar: Hey, Klinger, you wanna get in on the pool?
Klinger: No, all I wanna do is get out of the army.
Radar: Just keep wearing those dresses.
Klinger: They're not getting' me out. They're only getting' me whistles.
Henry: Pierce, are you scared?
Hawkeye: Don't be silly. I'm too frightened to be scared.
(Klinger and Trapper are helping move patients during heavy shelling)
Patient: Doc?
Trapper: Yeah?
Patient: How come my nurse needs a shave?
(a nurse falls on top of Hawkeye when another shell falls nearby)
Nurse: Are we dead?
Hawkeye: Feels like heaven to me.
Frank: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Hawkeye: We know, Frank. We know.
Frank: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Hawkeye: I think I did.
Trapper: (entering the office) What's the scam?
Hawkeye: We're just about to draw straws to see who defuses the bomb.
Trapper: Boy, do I know when to come into a room.
Hawkeye: Short match goes out and gives the bomb a physical.
Frank: Well, I'm a married man, you know.
Trapper: So am I.
Hawkeye: I'm not.
Trapper: You got more to live for than either of us.
(Klinger enters in Father Mulcahy's tent, wearing a grey suit)
Father Mulcahy: Yes?
Klinger: It's me - Corporal Klinger.
Father Mulcahy: Why, Klinger!
Klinger: Surprised, huh, Father? First time you ever seen me without a dress? Right?
Father Mulcahy: Exactly. Why, you're a very nice-looking young man. Not that you didn't make a very nice-looking young woman as well.
Henry: 21-20.
Radar: How do you know that, sir?
Henry: Ohio State - Illinois. Last game of the season. I was team manager.
Radar: Oh...
Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky - great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches - one foot. Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Radar: Tackled.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. (sighs) And he's a judge now.
Radar: (to Klinger, who is still wearing his suit) Don't I know your sister?
Hawkeye: (about to defuse the bomb) You got the right instructions, Henry?
Henry: I hope so.
Hawkeye: I hope so too, otherwise I'll come back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.
PA announcer: Attention! The final score: Navy 42, Army 36. And the winner of the football pool is... Father Mulcahy.
Trapper: (to the Father) You won again.
Hawkeye: You always win. Who do you know?
(Father Mulcahy looks up)
Hawkeye: Name-dropper.
Sticky Wicket
(the gang is playing poker)
Radar: Open for five.
Trapper: Call.
Hawkeye: I'm in, Shorty.
Radar: Stop makin' fun of my height!
Hawkeye: What height? You have no height to make fun of. Go get some height. We'll make fun of it.
Radar: Knock, knock, sir.
Henry: This better be important, Radar.
Radar: It's Major Houlihan, sir. She's throwing a fit.
Henry: Then give her a distemper shot. I've gotta get some sleep.
Radar: But she says if you don't come she's gonna inform General Clayton.
Henry: 20,000 miles from home and I'm still aggravated by a woman. Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control.
Radar: What should I tell her, sir?
Henry: You go right to Major Houlihan, you set your jaw firmly, and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers, and you tell her I'll be right there.
Trapper: (to Radar) How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose?
Henry: You woke me up for that, Private O'Reilly?
Radar: Corporal, sir.
Henry: Nothing is for ever, Radar.
(Barbara approaches an apparently sleepy Hawkeye and kisses him)
Hawkeye: I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Henry, don't try to practice psychiatry. It always gives you a headache.
Hawkeye: You know something, Henry?
Henry: What?
Hawkeye: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Henry: Thanks. You know something, Pierce?
Hawkeye: What?
Henry: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.
Major Fred C. Dobbs
Trapper: Back home I could be giving some nice blue-haired lady a hysterectomy.
Hawkeye: How about selling married couples his-and-hers-terectomies?
Hawkeye: (trying to comfort Ginger, after Frank called her an incompetent bungler) Did you know Frank Burns was stolen by gypsies as a little boy?
Ginger: No.
Hawkeye: Police found him, brought him back to his parents. They refused delivery. Then the police brought him back to the gypsies, but they didn't want him either. Then, the cops brought him to the woods hoping the bears would raise him. After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the gypsies.
Henry: You know, Frank? As rough as it's been sometimes, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you'd had the backbone to maintain some discipline around here.
Henry: Well, so much for missing you.
Hawkeye: Frank! Flowers? I asked for light chocolate. I'm allergic to flowers.
Frank: They're not for you.
Trapper: Hot Lips?
Hawkeye: I'm allergic to her, too.
Frank: You're nothing but common drunks.
Hawkeye: That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Henry: (to Hawkeye and Trapper) It's absolutely inexcusable! You two guys should be sentenced to life in front of a firing squad.
Hawkeye: Hot Lips is leaving?!
Henry: She says she's been publicly humiliated.
Hawkeye: Well, she has. And to think of the all times I offered to humiliate her privately!
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) I don't care how drunk you make me. I'm not going home with you.
Frank: Do you, uh... always sleep with a teddy bear?
Radar: Well, not when I'm on duty, sir.
Margaret: Who is she, Frank?
Frank: Who? Is who?
Margaret: You're seeing another woman.
Frank: Are you crazy? I'm a happily married man.
Hawkeye: You did some good work in there, Frank.
Trapper: You really did.
Frank: Hmph.
Trapper: We're sorry, Frank.
Hawkeye: We really are.
Frank: Well, sometimes a joke can get way beyond an apology.
Margaret: Frank, they're trying to make amends.
Hawkeye: We'll never try to make you look foolish again, Frank.
Trapper: Scouts honor.
(Margaret nudges Frank to accept their apologies)
Frank: Well... (he extends his hand to Hawkeye) OK.
Hawkeye: (shaking Frank's hand and turning to Trapper) I told you he was a sweetheart.
(and, without a warning, Hawkeye grabs Frank and snogs him senseless)
Margaret: (hitting Hawkeye and trying to make him release Frank) Oh, what are you doing?! Stop that! Pierce, let him go!
Hawkeye: Wait your turn! (he returns to the snogging)
Cease Fire
Hawkeye: (on the phone) General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce. I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain, but I wanna have your baby. I mean it, I want your baby! I'll kiss all your stars!
Henry: (on the phone) Yes, sir, I'll tell Major Houlihan that you look forward to seeing her.
Hawkeye: (getting close to the receiver) If she doesn't want you, there's always me!
Ho-Jon: Hey, they're passing out champagne. I thought you guys might like some.
Hawkeye: Nah, I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
Radar: Hey, Trapper, sign my book?
Trapper: I'll sign in when the real cease-fire comes.
Nancy: Aw, how can you turn him down?
Hawkeye: His liver's where his heart oughta be.
Nancy: What's where his liver oughta be?
Hawkeye: Onions.
(Hawkeye and Nancy are making out in the Swamp)
Nancy: Hold it. Hold it, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: I'm trying.
Nancy: Someone might walk in.
Hawkeye: They're all doctors and nurses. What could we possibly do that would surprise them?
Nancy: I don't know.
Hawkeye: Let's see what we can come up with.
Hawkeye: (to a patient) Now I'm giving you a direct order. You start getting better immediately, or I'll operate again. This time blindfolded and sober.
Margaret: (rather drunk) I won't make any trouble, Frank.
Frank: (also drunk) I know, darling.
Margaret: Not one bit.
Frank: You're a peach, Margaret.
Margaret: Dead women can't make any trouble, right?
Frank: Right. (pause) Dead who?
Margaret: I'll just stick my head in an oven, and it'll be over in seconds. And I won't mention your name in my note.
Frank: Margaret, what are you saying?!
Margaret: I can't live without you, Frank! You're all I have! I love your thin little lips. And the bristles where you shave your earlobes.
Frank: Margaret...
Margaret: Take me home with you, Frank!
Frank: Margaret, my wife!
Margaret: I'll learn to love her. We'll get along, you'll see. I'll be your nurse.
Frank: She's my nurse.
Margaret: Then I'll be your patient. I'll catch something terrible and you'll have to see me every day. I'll pay, Frank. You can even bill me. Darling, take me home with you. I won't make any problems...
Showtime
Margaret: Is it absolutely necessary to make bad jokes while you're operating?
Trapper: Absolutely. Scalpel.
Margaret: Scalpel.
Trapper: I found it invaluable to make bad jokes ever since I did my first autopsy, when my colleagues put a kidney under my cap.
Henry: Why aren't you out there at the switchboard?
Radar: You asked me to come in the office.
Henry: They could phone about my wife any minute.
Radar: Well, you just spoke to the hospital. She hasn't even gone into labor yet.
Henry: Don't argue with me! It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't even be there with her.
Radar: Yes, sir. (he leaves, but quickly comes back) Well, at least you were there for the important part.
Hawkeye: You know that ancient joke about the guy who saves his regiment? Shoots the cook?
Father Mulcahy: No. How's it go?
Hawkeye: (about Trapper and Margaret) You know something? Those two could wind up... (he trails off, realizing he's talking to Father Mulcahy)
Father Mulcahy: Uh, yes?
Hawkeye: Rolling Easter eggs.
1 Played by Ron Howard.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Nancy: I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: War's a dirty business, Lieutenant. None of us should be here.
Nancy: I mean in your tent.
Hawkeye: My tent's dirty business too, but it's a lot more fun than the war.
Nancy: (drinking her martini) Mmm... Mm, this is sensational.
Hawkeye: You're my kind of girl, Nancy... drunk.
(Frank is lying on the floor, in great pain)
Trapper: Frank, do you have a history with your back?
Frank: Oh, it goes out every few years. Last time was VJ Day in Times Square, when this big sailor hugged me.
Hawkeye: Let's get him to the Post-Op ward and string him up. Maybe traction will help.
Frank: Oh, traction helps. Usually a day or two in traction and I...
Trapper: Now wait a minute, Frank. I'm the doctor here.
Hawkeye: I thought I was the doctor here.
Trapper: Actually, we're all doctors here. Even the patient's a doctor here.
Hawkeye: Here, here.
Hawkeye: Henry, you're not gonna endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Margaret: That's "Major" to you, Captain!
Hawkeye: Henry, you're not gonna endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Hawkeye: Listen, what I don't understand is what a guy like you, with your background, is doing here in the infantry. Why aren't you a correspondent, or something?
Tommy: I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace.
Hawkeye: You used to be a Communist!
Tommy: I'm keeping my country safe from me.
Wendell1: I'm a marine. We're the best.
Hawkeye: I'm a coward. We're the worst.
Radar: Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Radar: It's not Hot Lips. It's Radar.
Hawkeye: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
Dead Dad... Again
Hawkeye: 3-0 silk.
Ginger: 3-0-silk.
Hawkeye: Suture scissors.
Ginger: Suture scissors.
Hawkeye: Snoo.
Ginger: "Snoo"? What's "snoo"?
Hawkeye: Nothing much. What's snoo with you?
Frank: Can't you ever be serious?
Hawkeye: I tried it once. Everybody laughed.
Hawkeye: Klinger, do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Klinger: (who is wearing a wedding gown) No, sir.
Hawkeye: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's so easy to go overboard with one of those, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Hawkeye: Just one suggestion: you must wear a slip. With the sun behind you, I could see clear through to your shorts.
Klinger: Of course. And I've got so many slips in my tent.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the x-rays.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: May I ask where you got that?
Klinger: Mail-order catalogue, sir.
Hawkeye: A white wedding gown?
Klinger: I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.
Hawkeye: (writing to his father) "It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly. An amazing kid. I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability - the little fink."
Radar: (who was passing by) Is that a nice thing to say?
(Radar is taking a finals exam in order to get a high-school diploma)
Henry: First question. "What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?"
Radar: The Gettysburg Address.
Henry: "For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?"
Radar: The isosceles triangle.
(Henry looks at Radar with a mock stern face)
Radar: Something wrong?
Henry: No, no. No. No, your answers are right. You just memorized them in the wrong order.
Hawkeye: Knock, knock.
Trapper: Who's there?
Hawkeye: Abe Lincoln.
Trapper: Abe Lincoln who?
Hawkeye: Don't you know me? (laughs uproariously)
Trapper: That's awful.
Hawkeye: OK, can I do another one?
Trapper: No!
Hawkeye: Knock, knock.
Trapper: (very annoyed) Who's there?
Hawkeye: Thomas Jefferson.
Trapper: Thomas Jefferson who?
Hawkeye: Was Abe Lincoln just here? (bursts out laughing again)
Trapper: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.
Hawkeye: I gotta hand it to you, Frank. You got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth.
Frank: (VERY drunk, singing) A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I... I got a gal in Kalamazoo!
Hawkeye: Frank?
Frank: Zoo.
Hawkeye: Frank?
Frank: Yo!
Hawkeye: If you don't stop singing, I'll glue your tongue down!
Frank: Oh, don't be a party pooper. Or a pooter parpy. (laughs)
Trapper: Frank, the party's over. It's a quarter to three.
Frank: (singing) And there's no one in the place except you and me...
Hawkeye: Frank, you take requests?
Frank: Anything.
Hawkeye: Shut your cakehole.
Frank: (sings) Oh, shut your cakehole / The more I want you...
Trapper: Come on, Frank, knock it off! Close your eyes!
Frank: If I close my eyes, my brain won't get any air.
Hawkeye: Your what?
Frank: I got a brain, you know! I got a brain as big as hers are!
Trapper: Right, pal. Right, buddy.
Frank: Pal and buddy.
Hawkeye: I sure hope that's not a song.
(Frank goes to the still to get more gin)
Hawkeye: (throwing a pillow at Frank's face) Get away from there, Frank. We're closed.
Frank: (sitting on Trapper's cot) You know, no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy" in my whole rotten life. You know what my own brother used to call me? My own brother? Ferret Face. (he moves on to Hawkeye's cot) Can you imagine that? Do you think I look like a weasel?
Hawkeye: No, Frank, you're very handsome.
Frank: Honest?
Hawkeye: Honest.
Frank: Really?
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) Do you think he looks like a weasel?
Trapper: Who?
Hawkeye: Ferret Face!
Frank: Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.
Hawkeye: Frank, go to sleep. You look beautiful.
Trapper: Say, you sure you don't love me just for my body?
Hawkeye: Believe me, Frank, that's the last thing we love about you. Go to sleep.
The Longjohn Flap
Trapper: Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Yeah?
Trapper: I'll give you $20 for that pair of longjohns.
Hawkeye: (laughs) Are you kidding? I wouldn't take 12 of your toes for these. I'm warm, warm, do you hear? Warm! (cackles)
Trapper: I'll give you $50 and a picture of my children.
Hawkeye: Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bedplate.
Trapper: $60, you can have the children!
Hawkeye: Thanks, but I have no place to keep them.
Frank: I'm reducing you to Corporal.
Cook: Sir, are you busting me?
Frank: Yes. And with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course.
Cook: My invalid wife is dependent on my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.
Frank: Is this the same wife you had when you poisoned me?
Cook: Yes, sir.
Frank: As I remember, I couldn't punish you then because your wife had just died.
Cook: Oh, she got better. See, they only thought that she was dead. She was stiff and everything. But it was nothing. Her death was all in her head.
Hawkeye: Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth.
Frank: (to Klinger) The next time we meet, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
Klinger: I'd like to ask your advice on a spiritual matter.
Father Mulcahy: Certainly.
Klinger: If you need something - I mean, if you're really cold or something - it wouldn't be a mortal sin to steal something from somebody who was kind of a rotten person anyway, would it?
Father Mulcahy: Have you stolen something?
Klinger: (showing him the longjohns) These.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, my. Aren't they nice. Whoever you took these from must be very cold right now.
Klinger: Father, if I give 'em, back, the certain person I took them from would like to have me killed. I've really been trying to avoid that lately.
Father Mulcahy: I see.
Klinger: I can hear the artillery going off every night when I go to sleep. Every night it keeps getting closer. I can't stand it any more.
Father Mulcahy: Yes, I know. I hear it too.
Klinger: You hear it too?
Father Mulcahy: Yes, it gets closer every night.
Klinger: I'm really in trouble. I was just making that up.
Hawkeye: Is Henry in?
Radar: (peeking into the office, where Henry is putting on the longjohns) Some of him is. But most of him is still hanging out.
Radar: (over PA) Attention. Here's the announcement you've been waiting for. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father of a bouncing baby appendix.
The Army-Navy Game
Father Mulcahy: Good morning, Radar.
Radar: Hi, Father. I thought you might bet the football pool. For ten bucks, this time tomorrow you could be $1,000 richer.
Father Mulcahy: All the wealth I want, you can find in here. (points to his Bible)
Radar: Oh, is that where you keep it?
Radar: Hey, Klinger, you wanna get in on the pool?
Klinger: No, all I wanna do is get out of the army.
Radar: Just keep wearing those dresses.
Klinger: They're not getting' me out. They're only getting' me whistles.
Henry: Pierce, are you scared?
Hawkeye: Don't be silly. I'm too frightened to be scared.
(Klinger and Trapper are helping move patients during heavy shelling)
Patient: Doc?
Trapper: Yeah?
Patient: How come my nurse needs a shave?
(a nurse falls on top of Hawkeye when another shell falls nearby)
Nurse: Are we dead?
Hawkeye: Feels like heaven to me.
Frank: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Hawkeye: We know, Frank. We know.
Frank: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Hawkeye: I think I did.
Trapper: (entering the office) What's the scam?
Hawkeye: We're just about to draw straws to see who defuses the bomb.
Trapper: Boy, do I know when to come into a room.
Hawkeye: Short match goes out and gives the bomb a physical.
Frank: Well, I'm a married man, you know.
Trapper: So am I.
Hawkeye: I'm not.
Trapper: You got more to live for than either of us.
(Klinger enters in Father Mulcahy's tent, wearing a grey suit)
Father Mulcahy: Yes?
Klinger: It's me - Corporal Klinger.
Father Mulcahy: Why, Klinger!
Klinger: Surprised, huh, Father? First time you ever seen me without a dress? Right?
Father Mulcahy: Exactly. Why, you're a very nice-looking young man. Not that you didn't make a very nice-looking young woman as well.
Henry: 21-20.
Radar: How do you know that, sir?
Henry: Ohio State - Illinois. Last game of the season. I was team manager.
Radar: Oh...
Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky - great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches - one foot. Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Radar: Tackled.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. (sighs) And he's a judge now.
Radar: (to Klinger, who is still wearing his suit) Don't I know your sister?
Hawkeye: (about to defuse the bomb) You got the right instructions, Henry?
Henry: I hope so.
Hawkeye: I hope so too, otherwise I'll come back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.
PA announcer: Attention! The final score: Navy 42, Army 36. And the winner of the football pool is... Father Mulcahy.
Trapper: (to the Father) You won again.
Hawkeye: You always win. Who do you know?
(Father Mulcahy looks up)
Hawkeye: Name-dropper.
Sticky Wicket
(the gang is playing poker)
Radar: Open for five.
Trapper: Call.
Hawkeye: I'm in, Shorty.
Radar: Stop makin' fun of my height!
Hawkeye: What height? You have no height to make fun of. Go get some height. We'll make fun of it.
Radar: Knock, knock, sir.
Henry: This better be important, Radar.
Radar: It's Major Houlihan, sir. She's throwing a fit.
Henry: Then give her a distemper shot. I've gotta get some sleep.
Radar: But she says if you don't come she's gonna inform General Clayton.
Henry: 20,000 miles from home and I'm still aggravated by a woman. Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control.
Radar: What should I tell her, sir?
Henry: You go right to Major Houlihan, you set your jaw firmly, and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers, and you tell her I'll be right there.
Trapper: (to Radar) How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose?
Henry: You woke me up for that, Private O'Reilly?
Radar: Corporal, sir.
Henry: Nothing is for ever, Radar.
(Barbara approaches an apparently sleepy Hawkeye and kisses him)
Hawkeye: I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Henry, don't try to practice psychiatry. It always gives you a headache.
Hawkeye: You know something, Henry?
Henry: What?
Hawkeye: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Henry: Thanks. You know something, Pierce?
Hawkeye: What?
Henry: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.
Major Fred C. Dobbs
Trapper: Back home I could be giving some nice blue-haired lady a hysterectomy.
Hawkeye: How about selling married couples his-and-hers-terectomies?
Hawkeye: (trying to comfort Ginger, after Frank called her an incompetent bungler) Did you know Frank Burns was stolen by gypsies as a little boy?
Ginger: No.
Hawkeye: Police found him, brought him back to his parents. They refused delivery. Then the police brought him back to the gypsies, but they didn't want him either. Then, the cops brought him to the woods hoping the bears would raise him. After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the gypsies.
Henry: You know, Frank? As rough as it's been sometimes, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you'd had the backbone to maintain some discipline around here.
Henry: Well, so much for missing you.
Hawkeye: Frank! Flowers? I asked for light chocolate. I'm allergic to flowers.
Frank: They're not for you.
Trapper: Hot Lips?
Hawkeye: I'm allergic to her, too.
Frank: You're nothing but common drunks.
Hawkeye: That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Henry: (to Hawkeye and Trapper) It's absolutely inexcusable! You two guys should be sentenced to life in front of a firing squad.
Hawkeye: Hot Lips is leaving?!
Henry: She says she's been publicly humiliated.
Hawkeye: Well, she has. And to think of the all times I offered to humiliate her privately!
Hawkeye: (to Trapper) I don't care how drunk you make me. I'm not going home with you.
Frank: Do you, uh... always sleep with a teddy bear?
Radar: Well, not when I'm on duty, sir.
Margaret: Who is she, Frank?
Frank: Who? Is who?
Margaret: You're seeing another woman.
Frank: Are you crazy? I'm a happily married man.
Hawkeye: You did some good work in there, Frank.
Trapper: You really did.
Frank: Hmph.
Trapper: We're sorry, Frank.
Hawkeye: We really are.
Frank: Well, sometimes a joke can get way beyond an apology.
Margaret: Frank, they're trying to make amends.
Hawkeye: We'll never try to make you look foolish again, Frank.
Trapper: Scouts honor.
(Margaret nudges Frank to accept their apologies)
Frank: Well... (he extends his hand to Hawkeye) OK.
Hawkeye: (shaking Frank's hand and turning to Trapper) I told you he was a sweetheart.
(and, without a warning, Hawkeye grabs Frank and snogs him senseless)
Margaret: (hitting Hawkeye and trying to make him release Frank) Oh, what are you doing?! Stop that! Pierce, let him go!
Hawkeye: Wait your turn! (he returns to the snogging)
Cease Fire
Hawkeye: (on the phone) General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce. I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain, but I wanna have your baby. I mean it, I want your baby! I'll kiss all your stars!
Henry: (on the phone) Yes, sir, I'll tell Major Houlihan that you look forward to seeing her.
Hawkeye: (getting close to the receiver) If she doesn't want you, there's always me!
Ho-Jon: Hey, they're passing out champagne. I thought you guys might like some.
Hawkeye: Nah, I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
Radar: Hey, Trapper, sign my book?
Trapper: I'll sign in when the real cease-fire comes.
Nancy: Aw, how can you turn him down?
Hawkeye: His liver's where his heart oughta be.
Nancy: What's where his liver oughta be?
Hawkeye: Onions.
(Hawkeye and Nancy are making out in the Swamp)
Nancy: Hold it. Hold it, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: I'm trying.
Nancy: Someone might walk in.
Hawkeye: They're all doctors and nurses. What could we possibly do that would surprise them?
Nancy: I don't know.
Hawkeye: Let's see what we can come up with.
Hawkeye: (to a patient) Now I'm giving you a direct order. You start getting better immediately, or I'll operate again. This time blindfolded and sober.
Margaret: (rather drunk) I won't make any trouble, Frank.
Frank: (also drunk) I know, darling.
Margaret: Not one bit.
Frank: You're a peach, Margaret.
Margaret: Dead women can't make any trouble, right?
Frank: Right. (pause) Dead who?
Margaret: I'll just stick my head in an oven, and it'll be over in seconds. And I won't mention your name in my note.
Frank: Margaret, what are you saying?!
Margaret: I can't live without you, Frank! You're all I have! I love your thin little lips. And the bristles where you shave your earlobes.
Frank: Margaret...
Margaret: Take me home with you, Frank!
Frank: Margaret, my wife!
Margaret: I'll learn to love her. We'll get along, you'll see. I'll be your nurse.
Frank: She's my nurse.
Margaret: Then I'll be your patient. I'll catch something terrible and you'll have to see me every day. I'll pay, Frank. You can even bill me. Darling, take me home with you. I won't make any problems...
Showtime
Margaret: Is it absolutely necessary to make bad jokes while you're operating?
Trapper: Absolutely. Scalpel.
Margaret: Scalpel.
Trapper: I found it invaluable to make bad jokes ever since I did my first autopsy, when my colleagues put a kidney under my cap.
Henry: Why aren't you out there at the switchboard?
Radar: You asked me to come in the office.
Henry: They could phone about my wife any minute.
Radar: Well, you just spoke to the hospital. She hasn't even gone into labor yet.
Henry: Don't argue with me! It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't even be there with her.
Radar: Yes, sir. (he leaves, but quickly comes back) Well, at least you were there for the important part.
Hawkeye: You know that ancient joke about the guy who saves his regiment? Shoots the cook?
Father Mulcahy: No. How's it go?
Hawkeye: (about Trapper and Margaret) You know something? Those two could wind up... (he trails off, realizing he's talking to Father Mulcahy)
Father Mulcahy: Uh, yes?
Hawkeye: Rolling Easter eggs.
1 Played by Ron Howard.
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3