M*A*S*H Quotes - Season 1, Part 2
Henry, Please Come Home
Hawkeye: (to Henry) We're gonna miss you, chief. Your fighting spirit, your little moods.
Trapper: Your cheerful smile.
Hawkeye: Your loyalty.
Henry: Oh, fiddle-faddle.
Hawkeye: Your gift for language.
Frank: O'Reilly, I assure you - all the goldbricking that went on around here under Colonel Blake is going to stop under my command. Life is going to be a different kettle of fish.
Radar: Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service, sir?
Frank: Don't be snotty. Bring me the, uh...
Radar: (handing him a file) Fitness reports.
Frank: Not the fitness reports. You can't anticipate what I'm thinking. I'm not Henry Blake.
Radar: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Frank: I want...
Radar: (handing him another file) The efficiency reports.
Frank: ...the efficiency reports. (he ponders for a moment about this, before handing Radar a paper) Here's tomorrow's routine. See that it's posted.
Radar: (reading the routine) They're not gonna like this.
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
Hawkeye: (waking up) I could swear I heard a bugle. (listens) It is a bugle. Hey. I think we're in the army.
Frank: (making a surprise inspection to the Swamp) The condition of this tent is a disgrace.
Trapper: Yeah, well, it does have that lived-in look.
Frank: Hm-mm.
Hawkeye: Actually, it's modeled on the Chicago sewer system. We saw it in a magazine.
Frank: Look at all of you. Unshaven, out of uniform.
Trapper: Yes, but with a song in our hearts.
Geishas: (singing a melodious, traditional geisha song) If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake / Baked a cake, baked a cake / If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake / How d'you do, how d'you do, how d'you do?
Hawkeye: Welcome home, Henry.
Henry: Hey, what am I gonna do for massages around here?
Hawkeye: Oh, I'll be glad to walk all over you.
Henry: I'm sure you will.
(Henry enters inside the Swamp as a poker game is in session)
Hawkeye: Hey, pull up a chair, Henry.
Henry: Ten hut.
Hawkeye: "Ten hut" from Henry?
Spearchucker: You better knock it off, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: I just never heard him say that.
Henry: You'd better get used to it, Pierce. I'm back in command. And you toe the line. All of you. And no more horsing around. Understood?
All: Yes, sir.
Henry: Good, good. Now you know where you stand. Any questions?
Hawkeye: Yes, sir.
Henry: Well, what is it, man? Speak up.
Hawkeye: Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san?
I Hate a Mystery
Hawkeye: I win all the time because my heart is pure. Right, Frank?
Frank: You're a vice-ridden degenerate, Pierce. I don't think you even have a heart.
Trapper: Ooh! Frank, for a doctor, that's a very serious diagnosis.
Hawkeye: Now, now, we all know how competent and dedicated Frank is. That's why he and Hot Lips spend every night together in the examination room.
Frank: It so happens that Major Houlihan and I are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests.
Trapper: I wouldn't mind making a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
Hawkeye: (arriving in the Swamp after a long day in OR) Ho-Jon, the elixir of life. Drinks for me and my men and water for our horses. Where is it? There it is. (he lies on his cot, with a heavy sigh) Ahh, the symphony begins.
(Ho-Jon prepares the drinks as Hawkeye describes the sounds he makes as music)
Hawkeye: The sultry saxophone splashes of melody. A subtle drum brush for counterpoint. The plunking of cool harp strings. And now... the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
(silence)
Hawkeye: And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
(more silence)
Hawkeye: Ho-Jon?
Ho-Jon: Stizzle swick not here.
Hawkeye: Who stole my stizzle swick?
Henry: I assume you all read my notice concerning our recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would have read it, but the notice was stolen.
Henry: I'm talking about the rash of thefts that have plagued our camp.
Hawkeye: Our plague has a rash.
Trapper: That's the worst kind.
Henry: As it stated, in the interest of morale and unity...
Trapper: Pass the salt?
Henry: Yes, of course. (continues) The guilty party need only return the stolen articles by 1900 hours... tonight. (clear throat) It is now 1900 hours minus 30 seconds. The lights will now be turned off.
(Radar turns off the lights)
Henry: Thank you, Radar.
(everybody groans)
Henry: And the aforementioned guilty party may now return the things.
Barbara: (screaming) Trapper, stop that!
Trapper: Stop what? I'm over here!
Father Mulcahy: Oh!
Leslie: Oh, I'm sorry, Father!
Father Mulcahy: That's all right, my child. You couldn't have known.
Hawkeye: You little devil.
Margaret: What are you talking about?
Hawkeye: Frank, you little devil!
Frank: Oh, you're disgusting.
Frank: (to Hawkeye) And you go right into the stockade, yes siree, Bob! Right into the clink!
Margaret: You tell him, Frank.
Hawkeye: You know, I've never hit a woman.
Frank: You put one hand on her...
Hawkeye: I was thinking of you, Frank.
Hawkeye: Lieutenant, I've always admired your analytical mind. You're one of the few people who can see things without emotion or prejudice. Let me ask you...
Barbara: I think you did it.
Hawkeye: Let me rephrase the question. How would you access my general character?
Barbara: You're cynical and selfish. When you're not in the operating room all you ever think about is your own pleasure.
Hawkeye: Don't sugar-coat it. Give it to me straight.
Hawkeye: Come on, Radar. Let's call it a night.
(Radar, who is disguised as a shrub in order to keep a close watch on Hawkeye, follows him)
Hawkeye: It's the end of the trail for you tomorrow, Radar, 'cause I'm putting an end to this foolishness. I know how to find out who's behind all this, then it's everybody off my back!
(a soldier walks by and looks at the scene in surprise)
Hawkeye: Getting so a man can't talk to his own shrub around here.
Germ Warfare
PA announcer: Attention, all MASH personnel. Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been cancelled due to unusually heavy indifference.
Trapper: (to a patient) Try not to move. You bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop.
Frank: Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?
Trapper: Frank, I'm sorry about that. But you know how it is. War is heck.
Frank: What have you got against writing intelligibly?
Trapper: If I could do that, I'd have become a lawyer.
Frank: Don't make me get unpleasant.
Hawkeye: I can't improve on nature, Frank.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Radar! Damn it, Radar. How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
Radar: Oh, I don't like to be late, sir.
Henry: How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?
Radar: Ours is not to question why, sir.
Henry: I don't want any more static from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve.
Hawkeye: I couldn't agree more.
Henry: If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
Hawkeye: Why don't you buzz off, Frank? Go review your hypocritical oath.
(Hawkeye and Trapper are trying to get some blood from Frank while he's asleep)
Hawkeye: (with a perfect Bela Lugosi voice) Good work, Igor. Very good. In the morning, he will be one of my brides.
Trapper: Shh. Not so loud, my count.
Frank: (sleeping) Oh, Margaret...
Hawkeye: I think we struck dream. (gets closer) Oh, Frank. You're so strong. You're so big and strong.
(Frank mumbles happily)
Trapper: We don't want to get him too excited. We might start something we can't finish.
Hawkeye: You got enough?
Trapper: Almost. I want to put a head on it.
Hawkeye: This guy can sleep through anything. But then he gets a lot of practice while he's awake. How are you doin'?
Trapper: Full. One pint even.
Hawkeye: Shall we check his oil while we're at it?
Trapper: (removing the needle) You get him cleaned up. I'll go get Pai ready.
Hawkeye: (getting closer to Frank again) Goodnight, darling. You're the greatest.
(Hawkeye kisses Frank's cheek; Frank mumbles happily again and leans his head on a very disturbed Hawkeye's shoulder)
Dish: That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.
Hawkeye: I just wanted to thank you for last night.
Dish: You weren't with me last night.
Hawkeye: I was speaking for my fantasies.
Dish: You never quit, do you?
Hawkeye: Well, in the absence of any real success with you in the amour department, you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.
(we then see Hawkeye's fantasy, in wish Dish is naked)
naked!Dish: You're having one right now, aren't you?
Hawkeye: (with an expression of pure bliss) Yeah.
naked!Dish: Is this a new one or are you undressing me with your eyes again?
(the fantasy is over, and Dish is again fully clothed)
Hawkeye: Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right?
Dish: Hm-mm.
Hawkeye: Not a bad way to go, really.
Frank: Well, my sleep was off a bit last night. I had this weird dream.
Trapper: Yeah? What was it?
Frank: That I was a soda with a big straw stickin' in me.
Hawkeye: Frank, don't be paranoid.
Frank: I'm only paranoid 'cause everybody's against me.
Hawkeye: (narrating an encounter between Frank and Margaret as if it was in a nature documentary) Observe the female of the species. Seemingly calm and detached, her tiny GI bosom is beating wildly, because she senses the presence of her frequent partner, the notorious red-necked nose-breather. Uh-oh. The signaling process has begun. Eyeballs are exchanged, and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?" ritual. It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two US Army majors. Yet, the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing.
Radar: Yes, sir?
Henry: Rada... (sighs) Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him. Is that true?
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Well, did I want to see him?
Radar: You must have, sir. Here he is.
Henry: Radar...
Radar: Why would I pull a fast one, sir?
Henry: Are you trying to pull a fast... Will you stop saying what I am thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.
Frank: Sorry I couldn't meet you. I was sent on a wild-goose chase.
Margaret: So was I.
Frank: Margaret, what's happening?
Margaret: They're jealous. All of them, jealous. Of our... our fine, almost spiritual relationship.
Frank: Oh, you're so right.
Margaret: They wanna keep us apart because we're symbols of... of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other, without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs.
Frank: Yes, yes.
Margaret: Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.
Dear Dad
Frank: Can't we have some military discipline in here?
Hawkeye: Good idea, Frank. (to Ginger) Lieutenant, throw out you chest.
Trapper: Why? It looks perfectly all right to me.
Hawkeye: (on a letter to his father) Henry Blake's a good doctor and a pretty good Joe. As a commanding officer... well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running on the bridge and finding out the captain is Daffy Duck.
PA announcer: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be cancelled.
Henry: All right, people, let's settle down. This month's topic is, uh, "Marital sex and the family."
Hawkeye: Louder, Henry.
Henry: Uh, "and the family."
Hawkeye: The first part.
Henry: "Marital se..." (clears throat) "Sex..."
Trapper: Let's hear it for this month's topic!
(everybody cheers)
Henry: Uh... just hold it down, OK? It's not actually necessary that any of you officers be present. Only the enlisted personnel are required to attend.
Hawkeye: Why should they know more than we do?
Trapper: Yeah, I got a date tonight. I wanna learn as much as I can.
Henry: Let's can the jokes. I'd like to get right down to the sex.
(everybody laughs)
Henry: I mean, uh, the talk about the, uh... what I'm supposed to talk about. Radar...
Radar: I'll uncover the charts.
Henry: ...uncover the charts.
Radar: (handing him the pointer) Your pointer, sir.
Henry: Thank you.
(Radar uncovers Figure A and Figure B; people whistle)
Radar: Good luck, sir. (returns to his seat)
Henry: Um... They, uh... You start here... We've got your, uh, man and your woman.
Trapper: Which is which?
Hawkeye: The one with the big hips is the man.
Frank: Can we have an end to these comments? Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject.
Hawkeye: I've devoted my life to this subject. At least a good many of the nights.
Margaret: Dirty mind.
Hawkeye: Well, you know what they say - dirty mind, warm heart.
Henry: Uh, now... Uh, we... (clears throat) Excuse me. Uh, the, uh, union of Figure A - man - and, uh... Figure B... the, uh... woman... is the most sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
Trapper: Uh, sir?
Henry: Hm-mm?
Trapper: What happens in the event that Figure A is attracted to Figure B and wants to get married, but Figure A is already married to, say, Figure C, and Figure B is engaged to Figure D, but Figure A can't keep his hands off Figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Henry: Uh-uh. Well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.
Henry: OK. Moving right along now, we come to the matter of, uh, family reproduction. How it really happens. How it all really happens is, uh... really, uh, one of nature's really cute things, really. Uh, now first of all, uh, it is necessary that these charts... uh, that these two married charts... Uh, it is necessary that they, uh... uh... uh, that they, uh...
Radar: (wide-eyes and in awe) That they what, sir?
Henry: That they, uh... Dismissed.
(everybody cheers as Henry leaves the tent in a hurry)
Hawkeye: Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Yay! Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen!
PA announcer: The following men have volunteered for today's 10-mile fitness hike... (silence)
Frank: Pierce.
Hawkeye: Yes, ma'am.
Frank: I'm here to relieve you.
Hawkeye: You do resemble an enema.
Frank: You're beat, Captain. I suggest you hit the sack this afternoon, instead of chasing nurses.
Hawkeye: A good idea, Frank, but some of those girls have been waiting for months.
Frank: Well, whatever you do, I want to see you shaved the next time I see you.
Hawkeye: I shaved this morning.
Frank: Well, shave again. And this time take one step closer to the razor.
Hawkeye: (smiling) Oh, very good. Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.
PA announcer: Attention, all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sore to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.
(Frank is applying some after-shave)
Hawkeye: Ugh! What's that?
Frank: It's French.
Trapper: Oh. No wonder you smell like a snail.
Margaret: Frank, we've got hours.
Frank: That's right. Let the others get theirs.
Trapper: What's the idea giving Hot Lips mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
Hawkeye: I was getting a culture for the lab.
Trapper: Any good?
Hawkeye: I think if we could get her away from Frank she could become a major kisser.
Trapper: That's what she's doing now.
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah.
(Trapper is helping Hawkeye get into a Santa costume)
Hawkeye: You realize if my father sees this, you have to marry me.
Trapper: I wouldn't marry you for five dollars.
Edwina
Frank: May I make a toast?
Trapper: No, but what about a farewell address?
Frank: Actually, I have a wish to propose, a wish that very soon we'll be united with our loved ones.
Margaret: Beautiful thought, Major.
Hawkeye: Let's just hope that nobody's wife or husband finds out about it.
Radar: Excuse me, sirs. Can you help me, please?
Trapper: What's wrong?
Radar: I just got something in my eye.
Hawkeye: Dirt?
Radar: A finger.
Hawkeye: How'd you get a finger in your eye?
Radar: Through a hole in a tent.
Trapper: What tent?
Radar: The one I had my eye up against.
Hawkeye: I told you to stop peeking in the nurses' shower.
Radar: Well, everyone needs a hobby.
Trapper: You're gonna be fine. Put a heat compress on it, and start looking in the men's shower for a few days.
Frank: May I say that I find this whole proposition highly...
Trapper: Colonic?
Frank: Irregular.
Trapper: I was close.
Frank: And I refuse to be part of this unholy confluence.
Hawkeye: Uh, Frank, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't land your full cooperation to our little enterprise, you'll be stripped naked, painted purple, and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.
Hawkeye: What do army regulations say about strangling a man with his own tongue?
Hawkeye: Where shall we sit?
Eddie: You wanna sit... together?
Hawkeye: I tried sitting apart. It's very painful.
Hawkeye: You know, I could get 20 years for talking to myself.
Eddie: Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you're sitting here. You usually sit with Margie or one of the other girls.
Hawkeye: Well, you're one of the other girls.
Eddie: Why don't I believe you?
Hawkeye: That's because you believe in the popular notion of me as a glib, insincere operator.
Eddie: That's right.
Hawkeye: Those are only some of my qualities. Underneath there's another me. Shy, sensitive, uncertain...
Eddie: Conniving.
Hawkeye: Right. Underneath that, there's another me. Underneath there, of course, there's public parking.
Eddie: You know, I wonder what makes people attracted to each other?
Hawkeye: Well, the first girl I really fell for, it was just chemistry.
Eddie: You mean, an electrical excitement?
Hawkeye: No, no, she wrote all my chemistry papers. Without her, I wouldn't have gotten into med school.
Eddie: I've never been in a man's tent before.
Hawkeye: It's just like a woman's. You just button it on the other side.
Love Story
Margaret: The next time you see me I want a salute, Captain.
Hawkeye: Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?
Trapper: Henry, that's a good idea.
Henry: (embarrassed) Well, I sometimes get 'em.
Hawkeye: Hey, Radar, you got a problem. Come here. This Lieutenant Anderson has a brain.
Trapper: Hawkeye, people with brains don't get transferred here.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah? This kid brushes her teeth with an encyclopedia. (to Radar) Look, I borrowed these from Father Mulcahy for training purposes. We got a lotta work to do.
Radar: (reading the title of a book) War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. War and peace?
Hawkeye: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way. Look, you can't possibly read all of these. Just familiarize yourself with the names and dates. You know what I mean? Just fake it.
Radar: Yeah. (checking another book) Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Sounds serious.
Hawkeye: Well, it was no picnic.
Radar: (reads) "The crumbling Roman Empire was beset with strife."
Trapper: You just spoiled the movie for me.
Radar: What do I do if she corners me on something?
Hawkeye: OK, all right. You just... You look thoughtful and you say: "That's highly significant."
Radar: (bashful) No...
Hawkeye: No, come on. Try it, try it.
Radar: That's highly significant.
Trapper: He said look thoughtful, not sick.
Hawkeye: All right, OK, try this: "I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking."
Radar: (lowering his voice) I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking.
Hawkeye: Not bad.
Trapper: Hey.
Radar: Yeah, I like that.
Hawkeye: Now, look. You might get into a discussion about music with her.
Radar: Music?
Hawkeye: Yeah, she's got some pretty highbrow tastes.
Trapper: Mozart? Bach? All the biggies?
Hawkeye: Bach is easy. If she brings him up, you just smile and you say: "Ahh, Bach."
Radar: Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: Smile a little bit.
Radar: (smiling and waving more energetically) Ahh, Bach!
Hawkeye: That's nice. Very good. That's not bad. Now, if she throws guys at you like Shostakovich or Tchai...
Radar: Who?
Hawkeye: Shostakovich or Tchaikovsky, just try to look bored.
(Radar makes a face)
Trapper: That's your bored look?
Radar: Yeah.
Trapper: Go back to lookin' sick.
Radar: What do I do if she asks me what I like in music?
Hawkeye: Well, say, uh... "Well, I'm partial to the fugue."
Radar: Well, I'm partial to the fugue. (he smiles, but then thinks of something) Can I say that to a girl I hardly know?
Hawkeye: (to Radar) Say something.
Radar: Speaking of Tolstoy...
Louise: Tolstoy? What about him?
Hawkeye: Uh, Radar was saying just the other day how flexible he is, right, Radar?
Radar: Yeah. Flexible.
Trapper: Uh, what Radar meant was that Tolstoy could either work at his writing or not work at his writing.
Louise: Actually, he was one of the hardest-working neo-realist writers of the 19th century.
Radar: I'll go along with that.
Louise: I'll tell you how I feel about Tolstoy...
Radar: That's highly significant.
Louise: I haven't said anything yet.
Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.
Hawkeye: Would you like some ketchup?
Louise: It wouldn't hurt.
(Radar opens the bottle for her, cleaning the top carefully before handing it to her)
Louise: Thanks. Real service.
Radar: I'm pretty good with mustard, too.
Trapper: We use a lot of ketchup around here. It improves the food.
Louise: Well, when in Rome...
Radar: The, uh, fall of the Roman Empire was due to internal strife.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's interesting.
Radar: It's from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
Hawkeye: Radar reads an awful lot.
Trapper: Big reader.
Hawkeye: As a matter of fact, he's voracious.
Louise: Really? Is that true?
Radar: Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.
Margaret: Did you ever see anything like that? Making a fuss over an enlisted man? Fawning all over him?
Frank: It's almost obscene, that's what it is. Probably only got one thing on her mind.
Margaret: Don't say that word, Frank. Not at lunch.
Hawkeye: I told Radar about all those great records you have.
Louise: Yeah, you can borrow 'em any time you want them, Radar.
Radar: Oh, thanks.
Louise: I've got Shostakovich, and I've got the London Symphony playing Tchaikovsky. And, of course, I never travel anywhere without good old Johann Sebastian.
(without Louise noticing, Hawkeye mouths "Ahh, Bach" to Radar)
Radar: Ahh, Bach!
Louise: What does that mean? "Ahh, Bach"?
Radar: Uh, just that. Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: I think once you've said that, you've said it all.
Radar: Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: All right, hold it.
Henry: Now, Pierce, I did not hear that. I did not hear that. And if it comes to it, I'll deny any complicity with, or knowledge of, that sort of cheap, low, sneaky, underhanded maneuver. Think you can do it?
Hawkeye: You got it.
(Frank sneaks into Margaret's tent)
Frank: (to the bed) Margaret, dear... It's me. Frank!
(he pulls down the covers... and finds Trapper and Hawkeye underneath)
Frank: What are you doing?
Trapper: What are we doing?
Hawkeye: Just a little pillow talk, but don't tell the housemother.
Frank: Ohh, you... guys!
Margaret: (entering) I've had it! I've had it with... (she sees the Dynamic Duo) What are you doing in my bed?!
Hawkeye: (in a baby voice) The first one was too hard.
Trapper: (also in a baby voice) And the second one was too soft.
Margaret: All right, all right! Now, what's it gonna take for you two to leave me alone?
Hawkeye: Ease up on Radar and Louise Anderson and cut out all that GI garbage. Let 'em enjoy.
Margaret: No!
Frank: It's blackmail.
Trapper: OK.
Hawkeye: Nighty-night.
(they hide under the covers)
Margaret: Stop it! Stop it!
Trapper: (uncovering) We have a "stop it". Do I hear an "uncle"?
Margaret: (annoyed) Uncle!
Hawkeye: No calls to General Clayton?
Margaret: No more calls to General Clayton.
Trapper: And you'll stay off Henry's back?
Margaret: I'll get off Henry's back.
Hawkeye: Fine. Now there's just one more thing.
Margaret: What?!
Hawkeye: Who is this man in bed with me?
(Margaret groans in frustration)
Trapper: You don't know me. I followed you home from the movies.
Tuttle
Trapper: (about Sister Theresa) Lovely lady.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but she could never be more than a sister to me.
Trapper: Isn't she wasting her prayers on somebody who doesn't exist?
Hawkeye: Who doesn't exist?
Trapper: This Tuttle you made up.
Hawkeye: Who says I made him up?
Trapper: Don't con me. He's a figment of your imagination.
Hawkeye: And what makes you think you're not?
Trapper: Rough shift?
Hawkeye: Picnic.
Trapper: Oh. Not too many wounded, huh?
Hawkeye: No, no wounded. I worked on a pregnant infantryman.
Trapper: Huh.
Hawkeye: Nobody can figure out how it happened, either. He hasn't been near a woman in months.
Trapper: Listen, how did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Hawkeye: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Trapper: You had an imaginary friend?
Hawkeye: Yeah. If anybody said "Who knocked over the garbage?" I said "Tuttle." If they said "Who broke that window?" "Tuttle." "Who wet the bed?"
Trapper: Tuttle.
Hawkeye: He had no control at all.
Trapper: So when you got drafted...
Hawkeye: He got drafted.
Trapper: Just in case you wet your cot.
Hawkeye: Precisely.
Radar: I had an imaginary friend when I was a little boy.
Hawkeye: Terrific.
Radar: Her name was Shirley.
Hawkeye: Your imaginary friend was a girl?
Radar: Mm-hm.
Trapper: What'd she look like?
Radar: Like me. Only with tiny little breasts.
Frank: Oh, Margaret. You're my snug harbor. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into.
Frank: Corporal?
Radar: Sir?
Frank: Where's the Colonel?
Radar: Colonel?
Margaret: Colonel Blake?
Radar: Ah. Uh, I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army now.
(Radar, Hawkeye and Trapper are creating a file for Tuttle)
Hawkeye: OK, let's see. When was Tuttle born?
Trapper: Um... How about 1924? That was a good year for doctors.
Hawkeye: OK. Mother?
Trapper: Mm, yes.
Hawkeye: Father?
Trapper: One.
Hawkeye: Harry and Frieda Tuttle. Birthplace?
Radar: Hey, how about my hometown?
Hawkeye: No, they already got enough to be proud of. How about...
Trapper: Battlecreek, Michigan.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's good. That's perfect. Yeah. Good. OK. Um... religion?
Trapper: Uh... atheist.
Hawkeye: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Radar: What's that?
Hawkeye: They worship trees.
Radar: Ahh, a tree surgeon.
Hawkeye: Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes. Alright, what about medical school?
Trapper: Harvard.
Hawkeye: No, no, we can't make it anyplace they'll check.
Trapper: How about, um... Berlin Polytechnic.
Hawkeye: Perfect. (writes) "Berlinishish Polyteshnico."
(Radar whistles)
Trapper: Ooh.
Hawkeye: Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High. Nah, that's a bit much.
Trapper: You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file. Alright, now a little something for Hot Lips. Height: 6 feet 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair... auburn.
(Radar cracks up)
Hawkeye: Eyes: hazel.
Trapper: Hawkeye...
Hawkeye: Hmm?
Trapper: I think I'm in love.
Henry: Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns.
Radar: Yes, sir. With Major Houlihan. I know one guy who got pictures.
Frank: (pointing at the package in Hawk's hand) That is addressed to Captain Tuttle.
Hawkeye: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist.
Frank: Where is he?
Hawkeye: Oh, Tuttle? He's in Post-Op. I'm gonna drop this off for him.
Frank: Well, I can do that.
Hawkeye: That's very kind of you, Frank. It certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, mean-spirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Frank: It certainly does.
Hawkeye: Then I'll stop spreading it.
The Ringbanger
Buzz1: Don't put me in the same league with the battle fatigue phonies. That's another way of yelling "chicken" in my book.
Trapper: I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress, but I don't believe Freud ever mentioned "chicken". Do you, Doctor?
Hawkeye: I believe once. In describing his mother's soup.
Trapper: Morning, Frank.
Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
Trapper: Thanks, Leslie.
Hawkeye: There'll be a little something under your pillow.
Trapper: Me.
PA announcer: Will the owner of a red pick-up truck, Illinois license LU6751, please fly back to Chicago and remove it from in front of the Y.
Hawkeye: Yeah, Frank is a... terrific officer and a great doctor. That's good enough for me. That other thing doesn't matter at all.
Buzz: What other thing?
Trapper: Well, uh... I don't think we should say.
Hawkeye: No.
Trapper: I mean, he never actually got caught.
Hawkeye: Right.
Buzz: Doing what?
Hawkeye: Well, it's not Frank's fault he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Buzz: Do you mean that he's a...
Hawkeye: But a fine doctor.
Trapper: And a great nurse.
(Frank breaks into Buzz's tent)
Frank: Margaret!
Margaret: Oh, Frank!
Frank: Colonel Brighton!
Margaret: Buzz, be careful, he's jealous.
Buzz: Why should he be? I don't belong to him.
Margaret: You're drunk.
Henry: Oh, that's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges... the minute I'm sober.
1 Played by Leslie Nielsen
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Hawkeye: (to Henry) We're gonna miss you, chief. Your fighting spirit, your little moods.
Trapper: Your cheerful smile.
Hawkeye: Your loyalty.
Henry: Oh, fiddle-faddle.
Hawkeye: Your gift for language.
Frank: O'Reilly, I assure you - all the goldbricking that went on around here under Colonel Blake is going to stop under my command. Life is going to be a different kettle of fish.
Radar: Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service, sir?
Frank: Don't be snotty. Bring me the, uh...
Radar: (handing him a file) Fitness reports.
Frank: Not the fitness reports. You can't anticipate what I'm thinking. I'm not Henry Blake.
Radar: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Frank: I want...
Radar: (handing him another file) The efficiency reports.
Frank: ...the efficiency reports. (he ponders for a moment about this, before handing Radar a paper) Here's tomorrow's routine. See that it's posted.
Radar: (reading the routine) They're not gonna like this.
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
Hawkeye: (waking up) I could swear I heard a bugle. (listens) It is a bugle. Hey. I think we're in the army.
Frank: (making a surprise inspection to the Swamp) The condition of this tent is a disgrace.
Trapper: Yeah, well, it does have that lived-in look.
Frank: Hm-mm.
Hawkeye: Actually, it's modeled on the Chicago sewer system. We saw it in a magazine.
Frank: Look at all of you. Unshaven, out of uniform.
Trapper: Yes, but with a song in our hearts.
Geishas: (singing a melodious, traditional geisha song) If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake / Baked a cake, baked a cake / If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake / How d'you do, how d'you do, how d'you do?
Hawkeye: Welcome home, Henry.
Henry: Hey, what am I gonna do for massages around here?
Hawkeye: Oh, I'll be glad to walk all over you.
Henry: I'm sure you will.
(Henry enters inside the Swamp as a poker game is in session)
Hawkeye: Hey, pull up a chair, Henry.
Henry: Ten hut.
Hawkeye: "Ten hut" from Henry?
Spearchucker: You better knock it off, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: I just never heard him say that.
Henry: You'd better get used to it, Pierce. I'm back in command. And you toe the line. All of you. And no more horsing around. Understood?
All: Yes, sir.
Henry: Good, good. Now you know where you stand. Any questions?
Hawkeye: Yes, sir.
Henry: Well, what is it, man? Speak up.
Hawkeye: Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san?
I Hate a Mystery
Hawkeye: I win all the time because my heart is pure. Right, Frank?
Frank: You're a vice-ridden degenerate, Pierce. I don't think you even have a heart.
Trapper: Ooh! Frank, for a doctor, that's a very serious diagnosis.
Hawkeye: Now, now, we all know how competent and dedicated Frank is. That's why he and Hot Lips spend every night together in the examination room.
Frank: It so happens that Major Houlihan and I are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests.
Trapper: I wouldn't mind making a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
Hawkeye: (arriving in the Swamp after a long day in OR) Ho-Jon, the elixir of life. Drinks for me and my men and water for our horses. Where is it? There it is. (he lies on his cot, with a heavy sigh) Ahh, the symphony begins.
(Ho-Jon prepares the drinks as Hawkeye describes the sounds he makes as music)
Hawkeye: The sultry saxophone splashes of melody. A subtle drum brush for counterpoint. The plunking of cool harp strings. And now... the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
(silence)
Hawkeye: And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
(more silence)
Hawkeye: Ho-Jon?
Ho-Jon: Stizzle swick not here.
Hawkeye: Who stole my stizzle swick?
Henry: I assume you all read my notice concerning our recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would have read it, but the notice was stolen.
Henry: I'm talking about the rash of thefts that have plagued our camp.
Hawkeye: Our plague has a rash.
Trapper: That's the worst kind.
Henry: As it stated, in the interest of morale and unity...
Trapper: Pass the salt?
Henry: Yes, of course. (continues) The guilty party need only return the stolen articles by 1900 hours... tonight. (clear throat) It is now 1900 hours minus 30 seconds. The lights will now be turned off.
(Radar turns off the lights)
Henry: Thank you, Radar.
(everybody groans)
Henry: And the aforementioned guilty party may now return the things.
Barbara: (screaming) Trapper, stop that!
Trapper: Stop what? I'm over here!
Father Mulcahy: Oh!
Leslie: Oh, I'm sorry, Father!
Father Mulcahy: That's all right, my child. You couldn't have known.
Hawkeye: You little devil.
Margaret: What are you talking about?
Hawkeye: Frank, you little devil!
Frank: Oh, you're disgusting.
Frank: (to Hawkeye) And you go right into the stockade, yes siree, Bob! Right into the clink!
Margaret: You tell him, Frank.
Hawkeye: You know, I've never hit a woman.
Frank: You put one hand on her...
Hawkeye: I was thinking of you, Frank.
Hawkeye: Lieutenant, I've always admired your analytical mind. You're one of the few people who can see things without emotion or prejudice. Let me ask you...
Barbara: I think you did it.
Hawkeye: Let me rephrase the question. How would you access my general character?
Barbara: You're cynical and selfish. When you're not in the operating room all you ever think about is your own pleasure.
Hawkeye: Don't sugar-coat it. Give it to me straight.
Hawkeye: Come on, Radar. Let's call it a night.
(Radar, who is disguised as a shrub in order to keep a close watch on Hawkeye, follows him)
Hawkeye: It's the end of the trail for you tomorrow, Radar, 'cause I'm putting an end to this foolishness. I know how to find out who's behind all this, then it's everybody off my back!
(a soldier walks by and looks at the scene in surprise)
Hawkeye: Getting so a man can't talk to his own shrub around here.
Germ Warfare
PA announcer: Attention, all MASH personnel. Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been cancelled due to unusually heavy indifference.
Trapper: (to a patient) Try not to move. You bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop.
Frank: Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?
Trapper: Frank, I'm sorry about that. But you know how it is. War is heck.
Frank: What have you got against writing intelligibly?
Trapper: If I could do that, I'd have become a lawyer.
Frank: Don't make me get unpleasant.
Hawkeye: I can't improve on nature, Frank.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Radar! Damn it, Radar. How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
Radar: Oh, I don't like to be late, sir.
Henry: How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?
Radar: Ours is not to question why, sir.
Henry: I don't want any more static from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve.
Hawkeye: I couldn't agree more.
Henry: If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
Hawkeye: Why don't you buzz off, Frank? Go review your hypocritical oath.
(Hawkeye and Trapper are trying to get some blood from Frank while he's asleep)
Hawkeye: (with a perfect Bela Lugosi voice) Good work, Igor. Very good. In the morning, he will be one of my brides.
Trapper: Shh. Not so loud, my count.
Frank: (sleeping) Oh, Margaret...
Hawkeye: I think we struck dream. (gets closer) Oh, Frank. You're so strong. You're so big and strong.
(Frank mumbles happily)
Trapper: We don't want to get him too excited. We might start something we can't finish.
Hawkeye: You got enough?
Trapper: Almost. I want to put a head on it.
Hawkeye: This guy can sleep through anything. But then he gets a lot of practice while he's awake. How are you doin'?
Trapper: Full. One pint even.
Hawkeye: Shall we check his oil while we're at it?
Trapper: (removing the needle) You get him cleaned up. I'll go get Pai ready.
Hawkeye: (getting closer to Frank again) Goodnight, darling. You're the greatest.
(Hawkeye kisses Frank's cheek; Frank mumbles happily again and leans his head on a very disturbed Hawkeye's shoulder)
Dish: That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.
Hawkeye: I just wanted to thank you for last night.
Dish: You weren't with me last night.
Hawkeye: I was speaking for my fantasies.
Dish: You never quit, do you?
Hawkeye: Well, in the absence of any real success with you in the amour department, you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.
(we then see Hawkeye's fantasy, in wish Dish is naked)
naked!Dish: You're having one right now, aren't you?
Hawkeye: (with an expression of pure bliss) Yeah.
naked!Dish: Is this a new one or are you undressing me with your eyes again?
(the fantasy is over, and Dish is again fully clothed)
Hawkeye: Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right?
Dish: Hm-mm.
Hawkeye: Not a bad way to go, really.
Frank: Well, my sleep was off a bit last night. I had this weird dream.
Trapper: Yeah? What was it?
Frank: That I was a soda with a big straw stickin' in me.
Hawkeye: Frank, don't be paranoid.
Frank: I'm only paranoid 'cause everybody's against me.
Hawkeye: (narrating an encounter between Frank and Margaret as if it was in a nature documentary) Observe the female of the species. Seemingly calm and detached, her tiny GI bosom is beating wildly, because she senses the presence of her frequent partner, the notorious red-necked nose-breather. Uh-oh. The signaling process has begun. Eyeballs are exchanged, and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?" ritual. It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two US Army majors. Yet, the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing.
Radar: Yes, sir?
Henry: Rada... (sighs) Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him. Is that true?
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Well, did I want to see him?
Radar: You must have, sir. Here he is.
Henry: Radar...
Radar: Why would I pull a fast one, sir?
Henry: Are you trying to pull a fast... Will you stop saying what I am thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.
Frank: Sorry I couldn't meet you. I was sent on a wild-goose chase.
Margaret: So was I.
Frank: Margaret, what's happening?
Margaret: They're jealous. All of them, jealous. Of our... our fine, almost spiritual relationship.
Frank: Oh, you're so right.
Margaret: They wanna keep us apart because we're symbols of... of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other, without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs.
Frank: Yes, yes.
Margaret: Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.
Dear Dad
Frank: Can't we have some military discipline in here?
Hawkeye: Good idea, Frank. (to Ginger) Lieutenant, throw out you chest.
Trapper: Why? It looks perfectly all right to me.
Hawkeye: (on a letter to his father) Henry Blake's a good doctor and a pretty good Joe. As a commanding officer... well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running on the bridge and finding out the captain is Daffy Duck.
PA announcer: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be cancelled.
Henry: All right, people, let's settle down. This month's topic is, uh, "Marital sex and the family."
Hawkeye: Louder, Henry.
Henry: Uh, "and the family."
Hawkeye: The first part.
Henry: "Marital se..." (clears throat) "Sex..."
Trapper: Let's hear it for this month's topic!
(everybody cheers)
Henry: Uh... just hold it down, OK? It's not actually necessary that any of you officers be present. Only the enlisted personnel are required to attend.
Hawkeye: Why should they know more than we do?
Trapper: Yeah, I got a date tonight. I wanna learn as much as I can.
Henry: Let's can the jokes. I'd like to get right down to the sex.
(everybody laughs)
Henry: I mean, uh, the talk about the, uh... what I'm supposed to talk about. Radar...
Radar: I'll uncover the charts.
Henry: ...uncover the charts.
Radar: (handing him the pointer) Your pointer, sir.
Henry: Thank you.
(Radar uncovers Figure A and Figure B; people whistle)
Radar: Good luck, sir. (returns to his seat)
Henry: Um... They, uh... You start here... We've got your, uh, man and your woman.
Trapper: Which is which?
Hawkeye: The one with the big hips is the man.
Frank: Can we have an end to these comments? Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject.
Hawkeye: I've devoted my life to this subject. At least a good many of the nights.
Margaret: Dirty mind.
Hawkeye: Well, you know what they say - dirty mind, warm heart.
Henry: Uh, now... Uh, we... (clears throat) Excuse me. Uh, the, uh, union of Figure A - man - and, uh... Figure B... the, uh... woman... is the most sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
Trapper: Uh, sir?
Henry: Hm-mm?
Trapper: What happens in the event that Figure A is attracted to Figure B and wants to get married, but Figure A is already married to, say, Figure C, and Figure B is engaged to Figure D, but Figure A can't keep his hands off Figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Henry: Uh-uh. Well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.
Henry: OK. Moving right along now, we come to the matter of, uh, family reproduction. How it really happens. How it all really happens is, uh... really, uh, one of nature's really cute things, really. Uh, now first of all, uh, it is necessary that these charts... uh, that these two married charts... Uh, it is necessary that they, uh... uh... uh, that they, uh...
Radar: (wide-eyes and in awe) That they what, sir?
Henry: That they, uh... Dismissed.
(everybody cheers as Henry leaves the tent in a hurry)
Hawkeye: Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Yay! Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen!
PA announcer: The following men have volunteered for today's 10-mile fitness hike... (silence)
Frank: Pierce.
Hawkeye: Yes, ma'am.
Frank: I'm here to relieve you.
Hawkeye: You do resemble an enema.
Frank: You're beat, Captain. I suggest you hit the sack this afternoon, instead of chasing nurses.
Hawkeye: A good idea, Frank, but some of those girls have been waiting for months.
Frank: Well, whatever you do, I want to see you shaved the next time I see you.
Hawkeye: I shaved this morning.
Frank: Well, shave again. And this time take one step closer to the razor.
Hawkeye: (smiling) Oh, very good. Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.
PA announcer: Attention, all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sore to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.
(Frank is applying some after-shave)
Hawkeye: Ugh! What's that?
Frank: It's French.
Trapper: Oh. No wonder you smell like a snail.
Margaret: Frank, we've got hours.
Frank: That's right. Let the others get theirs.
Trapper: What's the idea giving Hot Lips mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
Hawkeye: I was getting a culture for the lab.
Trapper: Any good?
Hawkeye: I think if we could get her away from Frank she could become a major kisser.
Trapper: That's what she's doing now.
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah.
(Trapper is helping Hawkeye get into a Santa costume)
Hawkeye: You realize if my father sees this, you have to marry me.
Trapper: I wouldn't marry you for five dollars.
Edwina
Frank: May I make a toast?
Trapper: No, but what about a farewell address?
Frank: Actually, I have a wish to propose, a wish that very soon we'll be united with our loved ones.
Margaret: Beautiful thought, Major.
Hawkeye: Let's just hope that nobody's wife or husband finds out about it.
Radar: Excuse me, sirs. Can you help me, please?
Trapper: What's wrong?
Radar: I just got something in my eye.
Hawkeye: Dirt?
Radar: A finger.
Hawkeye: How'd you get a finger in your eye?
Radar: Through a hole in a tent.
Trapper: What tent?
Radar: The one I had my eye up against.
Hawkeye: I told you to stop peeking in the nurses' shower.
Radar: Well, everyone needs a hobby.
Trapper: You're gonna be fine. Put a heat compress on it, and start looking in the men's shower for a few days.
Frank: May I say that I find this whole proposition highly...
Trapper: Colonic?
Frank: Irregular.
Trapper: I was close.
Frank: And I refuse to be part of this unholy confluence.
Hawkeye: Uh, Frank, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't land your full cooperation to our little enterprise, you'll be stripped naked, painted purple, and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.
Hawkeye: What do army regulations say about strangling a man with his own tongue?
Hawkeye: Where shall we sit?
Eddie: You wanna sit... together?
Hawkeye: I tried sitting apart. It's very painful.
Hawkeye: You know, I could get 20 years for talking to myself.
Eddie: Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you're sitting here. You usually sit with Margie or one of the other girls.
Hawkeye: Well, you're one of the other girls.
Eddie: Why don't I believe you?
Hawkeye: That's because you believe in the popular notion of me as a glib, insincere operator.
Eddie: That's right.
Hawkeye: Those are only some of my qualities. Underneath there's another me. Shy, sensitive, uncertain...
Eddie: Conniving.
Hawkeye: Right. Underneath that, there's another me. Underneath there, of course, there's public parking.
Eddie: You know, I wonder what makes people attracted to each other?
Hawkeye: Well, the first girl I really fell for, it was just chemistry.
Eddie: You mean, an electrical excitement?
Hawkeye: No, no, she wrote all my chemistry papers. Without her, I wouldn't have gotten into med school.
Eddie: I've never been in a man's tent before.
Hawkeye: It's just like a woman's. You just button it on the other side.
Love Story
Margaret: The next time you see me I want a salute, Captain.
Hawkeye: Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?
Trapper: Henry, that's a good idea.
Henry: (embarrassed) Well, I sometimes get 'em.
Hawkeye: Hey, Radar, you got a problem. Come here. This Lieutenant Anderson has a brain.
Trapper: Hawkeye, people with brains don't get transferred here.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah? This kid brushes her teeth with an encyclopedia. (to Radar) Look, I borrowed these from Father Mulcahy for training purposes. We got a lotta work to do.
Radar: (reading the title of a book) War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. War and peace?
Hawkeye: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way. Look, you can't possibly read all of these. Just familiarize yourself with the names and dates. You know what I mean? Just fake it.
Radar: Yeah. (checking another book) Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Sounds serious.
Hawkeye: Well, it was no picnic.
Radar: (reads) "The crumbling Roman Empire was beset with strife."
Trapper: You just spoiled the movie for me.
Radar: What do I do if she corners me on something?
Hawkeye: OK, all right. You just... You look thoughtful and you say: "That's highly significant."
Radar: (bashful) No...
Hawkeye: No, come on. Try it, try it.
Radar: That's highly significant.
Trapper: He said look thoughtful, not sick.
Hawkeye: All right, OK, try this: "I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking."
Radar: (lowering his voice) I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking.
Hawkeye: Not bad.
Trapper: Hey.
Radar: Yeah, I like that.
Hawkeye: Now, look. You might get into a discussion about music with her.
Radar: Music?
Hawkeye: Yeah, she's got some pretty highbrow tastes.
Trapper: Mozart? Bach? All the biggies?
Hawkeye: Bach is easy. If she brings him up, you just smile and you say: "Ahh, Bach."
Radar: Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: Smile a little bit.
Radar: (smiling and waving more energetically) Ahh, Bach!
Hawkeye: That's nice. Very good. That's not bad. Now, if she throws guys at you like Shostakovich or Tchai...
Radar: Who?
Hawkeye: Shostakovich or Tchaikovsky, just try to look bored.
(Radar makes a face)
Trapper: That's your bored look?
Radar: Yeah.
Trapper: Go back to lookin' sick.
Radar: What do I do if she asks me what I like in music?
Hawkeye: Well, say, uh... "Well, I'm partial to the fugue."
Radar: Well, I'm partial to the fugue. (he smiles, but then thinks of something) Can I say that to a girl I hardly know?
Hawkeye: (to Radar) Say something.
Radar: Speaking of Tolstoy...
Louise: Tolstoy? What about him?
Hawkeye: Uh, Radar was saying just the other day how flexible he is, right, Radar?
Radar: Yeah. Flexible.
Trapper: Uh, what Radar meant was that Tolstoy could either work at his writing or not work at his writing.
Louise: Actually, he was one of the hardest-working neo-realist writers of the 19th century.
Radar: I'll go along with that.
Louise: I'll tell you how I feel about Tolstoy...
Radar: That's highly significant.
Louise: I haven't said anything yet.
Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.
Hawkeye: Would you like some ketchup?
Louise: It wouldn't hurt.
(Radar opens the bottle for her, cleaning the top carefully before handing it to her)
Louise: Thanks. Real service.
Radar: I'm pretty good with mustard, too.
Trapper: We use a lot of ketchup around here. It improves the food.
Louise: Well, when in Rome...
Radar: The, uh, fall of the Roman Empire was due to internal strife.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's interesting.
Radar: It's from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
Hawkeye: Radar reads an awful lot.
Trapper: Big reader.
Hawkeye: As a matter of fact, he's voracious.
Louise: Really? Is that true?
Radar: Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.
Margaret: Did you ever see anything like that? Making a fuss over an enlisted man? Fawning all over him?
Frank: It's almost obscene, that's what it is. Probably only got one thing on her mind.
Margaret: Don't say that word, Frank. Not at lunch.
Hawkeye: I told Radar about all those great records you have.
Louise: Yeah, you can borrow 'em any time you want them, Radar.
Radar: Oh, thanks.
Louise: I've got Shostakovich, and I've got the London Symphony playing Tchaikovsky. And, of course, I never travel anywhere without good old Johann Sebastian.
(without Louise noticing, Hawkeye mouths "Ahh, Bach" to Radar)
Radar: Ahh, Bach!
Louise: What does that mean? "Ahh, Bach"?
Radar: Uh, just that. Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: I think once you've said that, you've said it all.
Radar: Ahh, Bach.
Hawkeye: All right, hold it.
Henry: Now, Pierce, I did not hear that. I did not hear that. And if it comes to it, I'll deny any complicity with, or knowledge of, that sort of cheap, low, sneaky, underhanded maneuver. Think you can do it?
Hawkeye: You got it.
(Frank sneaks into Margaret's tent)
Frank: (to the bed) Margaret, dear... It's me. Frank!
(he pulls down the covers... and finds Trapper and Hawkeye underneath)
Frank: What are you doing?
Trapper: What are we doing?
Hawkeye: Just a little pillow talk, but don't tell the housemother.
Frank: Ohh, you... guys!
Margaret: (entering) I've had it! I've had it with... (she sees the Dynamic Duo) What are you doing in my bed?!
Hawkeye: (in a baby voice) The first one was too hard.
Trapper: (also in a baby voice) And the second one was too soft.
Margaret: All right, all right! Now, what's it gonna take for you two to leave me alone?
Hawkeye: Ease up on Radar and Louise Anderson and cut out all that GI garbage. Let 'em enjoy.
Margaret: No!
Frank: It's blackmail.
Trapper: OK.
Hawkeye: Nighty-night.
(they hide under the covers)
Margaret: Stop it! Stop it!
Trapper: (uncovering) We have a "stop it". Do I hear an "uncle"?
Margaret: (annoyed) Uncle!
Hawkeye: No calls to General Clayton?
Margaret: No more calls to General Clayton.
Trapper: And you'll stay off Henry's back?
Margaret: I'll get off Henry's back.
Hawkeye: Fine. Now there's just one more thing.
Margaret: What?!
Hawkeye: Who is this man in bed with me?
(Margaret groans in frustration)
Trapper: You don't know me. I followed you home from the movies.
Tuttle
Trapper: (about Sister Theresa) Lovely lady.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but she could never be more than a sister to me.
Trapper: Isn't she wasting her prayers on somebody who doesn't exist?
Hawkeye: Who doesn't exist?
Trapper: This Tuttle you made up.
Hawkeye: Who says I made him up?
Trapper: Don't con me. He's a figment of your imagination.
Hawkeye: And what makes you think you're not?
Trapper: Rough shift?
Hawkeye: Picnic.
Trapper: Oh. Not too many wounded, huh?
Hawkeye: No, no wounded. I worked on a pregnant infantryman.
Trapper: Huh.
Hawkeye: Nobody can figure out how it happened, either. He hasn't been near a woman in months.
Trapper: Listen, how did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Hawkeye: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Trapper: You had an imaginary friend?
Hawkeye: Yeah. If anybody said "Who knocked over the garbage?" I said "Tuttle." If they said "Who broke that window?" "Tuttle." "Who wet the bed?"
Trapper: Tuttle.
Hawkeye: He had no control at all.
Trapper: So when you got drafted...
Hawkeye: He got drafted.
Trapper: Just in case you wet your cot.
Hawkeye: Precisely.
Radar: I had an imaginary friend when I was a little boy.
Hawkeye: Terrific.
Radar: Her name was Shirley.
Hawkeye: Your imaginary friend was a girl?
Radar: Mm-hm.
Trapper: What'd she look like?
Radar: Like me. Only with tiny little breasts.
Frank: Oh, Margaret. You're my snug harbor. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into.
Frank: Corporal?
Radar: Sir?
Frank: Where's the Colonel?
Radar: Colonel?
Margaret: Colonel Blake?
Radar: Ah. Uh, I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army now.
(Radar, Hawkeye and Trapper are creating a file for Tuttle)
Hawkeye: OK, let's see. When was Tuttle born?
Trapper: Um... How about 1924? That was a good year for doctors.
Hawkeye: OK. Mother?
Trapper: Mm, yes.
Hawkeye: Father?
Trapper: One.
Hawkeye: Harry and Frieda Tuttle. Birthplace?
Radar: Hey, how about my hometown?
Hawkeye: No, they already got enough to be proud of. How about...
Trapper: Battlecreek, Michigan.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's good. That's perfect. Yeah. Good. OK. Um... religion?
Trapper: Uh... atheist.
Hawkeye: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Radar: What's that?
Hawkeye: They worship trees.
Radar: Ahh, a tree surgeon.
Hawkeye: Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes. Alright, what about medical school?
Trapper: Harvard.
Hawkeye: No, no, we can't make it anyplace they'll check.
Trapper: How about, um... Berlin Polytechnic.
Hawkeye: Perfect. (writes) "Berlinishish Polyteshnico."
(Radar whistles)
Trapper: Ooh.
Hawkeye: Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High. Nah, that's a bit much.
Trapper: You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file. Alright, now a little something for Hot Lips. Height: 6 feet 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair... auburn.
(Radar cracks up)
Hawkeye: Eyes: hazel.
Trapper: Hawkeye...
Hawkeye: Hmm?
Trapper: I think I'm in love.
Henry: Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns.
Radar: Yes, sir. With Major Houlihan. I know one guy who got pictures.
Frank: (pointing at the package in Hawk's hand) That is addressed to Captain Tuttle.
Hawkeye: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist.
Frank: Where is he?
Hawkeye: Oh, Tuttle? He's in Post-Op. I'm gonna drop this off for him.
Frank: Well, I can do that.
Hawkeye: That's very kind of you, Frank. It certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, mean-spirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Frank: It certainly does.
Hawkeye: Then I'll stop spreading it.
The Ringbanger
Buzz1: Don't put me in the same league with the battle fatigue phonies. That's another way of yelling "chicken" in my book.
Trapper: I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress, but I don't believe Freud ever mentioned "chicken". Do you, Doctor?
Hawkeye: I believe once. In describing his mother's soup.
Trapper: Morning, Frank.
Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
Trapper: Thanks, Leslie.
Hawkeye: There'll be a little something under your pillow.
Trapper: Me.
PA announcer: Will the owner of a red pick-up truck, Illinois license LU6751, please fly back to Chicago and remove it from in front of the Y.
Hawkeye: Yeah, Frank is a... terrific officer and a great doctor. That's good enough for me. That other thing doesn't matter at all.
Buzz: What other thing?
Trapper: Well, uh... I don't think we should say.
Hawkeye: No.
Trapper: I mean, he never actually got caught.
Hawkeye: Right.
Buzz: Doing what?
Hawkeye: Well, it's not Frank's fault he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Buzz: Do you mean that he's a...
Hawkeye: But a fine doctor.
Trapper: And a great nurse.
(Frank breaks into Buzz's tent)
Frank: Margaret!
Margaret: Oh, Frank!
Frank: Colonel Brighton!
Margaret: Buzz, be careful, he's jealous.
Buzz: Why should he be? I don't belong to him.
Margaret: You're drunk.
Henry: Oh, that's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges... the minute I'm sober.
1 Played by Leslie Nielsen
M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3