Not Now
Everything is against the grain right now. I just want to respond "not now" to everything.
I've pushed myself. I knew I would. I saw it coming and didn't make any attempt to come up with a better plan. It means I can't enjoy anything. It means all I want to do is sit and fight off sleep. What a way to live your life.
But I just need to get through Wed. Just need to make it through tomorrow, really.
Tomorrow:
Essay due before 8AM. Get on van for all-day field trip at 8. Return from trip around 5. Sit in the woods and write continuously for one hour.
Dinner. GIS homework. Teach choreography: 8-10. GIS homework. Other homework?
I just want to run away from life and all obligations. Which is lame, because my relationship with work has been great. I haven't been doing it, but at least it's not because I have a mental block about it.
I just keep pushing myself further and further away from sleep and coherence and function and happiness. Iz bad.
Anyway, as I just posted on fb:
To all those concerned about me and my current relationship with sleep: I know I'm in a bad place. Give me until Saturday. If I haven't fixed it by then, you can start yelling at me/being concerned.
I better have this fixed by Sat. I miss being in a position to enjoy life.
Also, this week is proving to me - to some extent - that I'm really not in a place to have a boyfriend right now. Frances is (I should hope obviously) not my boyfriend, but spending so much time focusing on one person is somewhat like having a bf, and it hasn't been healthy for me. Of course, I'm trying to squash a whole ton of visiting time into a one week visit, so I feel much more urgently motivated to wreck my physical and mental health than I normally would, but still. I can only handle myself right now. I was doing a fair job of it for a while. Then I got sick and my period hit and one of my best friends came to visit. I have treasured my time with her, but I failed at balancing the social with the academic and the fundamentally necessary. I have so much laundry waiting to be done that it will only barely fit into my huge laundry bag. This is getting concerning.
So Saturday. That gives me two more days of serious, unhappy dysfunction and then two days to recover.
How the heck am I going to spend tonight?
I don't think that I'm writing an essay any time soon. Guess it will be late. Like 50% of the essays for this area of class so far, apparently.
*sigh*
Sleep, you win tonight. Maybe I'll try to get up early.
I've pushed myself. I knew I would. I saw it coming and didn't make any attempt to come up with a better plan. It means I can't enjoy anything. It means all I want to do is sit and fight off sleep. What a way to live your life.
But I just need to get through Wed. Just need to make it through tomorrow, really.
Tomorrow:
Essay due before 8AM. Get on van for all-day field trip at 8. Return from trip around 5. Sit in the woods and write continuously for one hour.
Dinner. GIS homework. Teach choreography: 8-10. GIS homework. Other homework?
I just want to run away from life and all obligations. Which is lame, because my relationship with work has been great. I haven't been doing it, but at least it's not because I have a mental block about it.
I just keep pushing myself further and further away from sleep and coherence and function and happiness. Iz bad.
Anyway, as I just posted on fb:
To all those concerned about me and my current relationship with sleep: I know I'm in a bad place. Give me until Saturday. If I haven't fixed it by then, you can start yelling at me/being concerned.
I better have this fixed by Sat. I miss being in a position to enjoy life.
Also, this week is proving to me - to some extent - that I'm really not in a place to have a boyfriend right now. Frances is (I should hope obviously) not my boyfriend, but spending so much time focusing on one person is somewhat like having a bf, and it hasn't been healthy for me. Of course, I'm trying to squash a whole ton of visiting time into a one week visit, so I feel much more urgently motivated to wreck my physical and mental health than I normally would, but still. I can only handle myself right now. I was doing a fair job of it for a while. Then I got sick and my period hit and one of my best friends came to visit. I have treasured my time with her, but I failed at balancing the social with the academic and the fundamentally necessary. I have so much laundry waiting to be done that it will only barely fit into my huge laundry bag. This is getting concerning.
So Saturday. That gives me two more days of serious, unhappy dysfunction and then two days to recover.
How the heck am I going to spend tonight?
I don't think that I'm writing an essay any time soon. Guess it will be late. Like 50% of the essays for this area of class so far, apparently.
*sigh*
Sleep, you win tonight. Maybe I'll try to get up early.